


(I Would) Die 4 U

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Anal Sex, Band Fic, But still soft?, Crying, Deception, Dirty Talk, Discussion of Death, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Dream Sex, Drinking, Fantasizing, Guilt, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Magic, Masturbation, Pining, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Smut, and they were ROOMMATES, so much nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2020-10-29 18:22:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 109,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20800916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: Kyo looked around for the source of the music. It wasn’t his laptop. It wasn’t anything familiar at all, and honestly, his apartment was small enough that there wasn’t anywhere it could be coming from.He closed his eyes, listening more intently. It was beautiful, gentle strains of acoustic guitar, and Kyo wondered if one of his neighbors was a musician and he’d just never noticed, but he pushed the idea aside. It was too close. There was no chance that it was coming from next door, even with the relatively thin walls of the building...-OR, the one where Kyo discovers a ghost haunting his apartment and does the sensible thing: tries to recruit him for his rock band!-





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY! This one is kind of a big deal for me, it's something I've had sitting around for ages, 'cause it's actually my NaNo from last year. I've been so excited and nervous to share it with all of you.  
It's a little spoiler-y to say but it's also the main plot: Die is dead from the beginning of this, so be warned. Also I'm not nice to Kisaki (I don't know anything about him and I feel fine about that), he's purely a plot device. Also also, please accept all my nonsense BS-ing things about magic, etc, that's all part of the fun, right?  
And so, here it is, the first chapter. Updates will continue, probably twice a week, for the next couple months at least. Thank you, and please enjoy!!  
(PS it's so hard to write an AU where they're not in a band, I don't even wanna do it, hahaha. This band is clearly not Dir en grey though! Formed very differently!)  
(PPS Rating will go up when we get to that point)

Kyo slid lower in his seat, letting out another frustrated sigh into the eerie silence of the subway car. He ignored the irritated glances he received from other passengers and rubbed at a spot between his eyebrows, trying to think of some solution.

There had to be some kind of solution.

Unless the band really was just… dead.

Certainly it had seemed like it was heading that way for a while now, since Kisaki hadn’t been able to get along with _anyone_, honestly didn’t even seem like he was trying to. But without him did they even have a band?

His mind ran through it again. They were supposed to have a gig in two weeks. _Two weeks_, and now they didn’t have a bassist. There was no way that would work.

Mostly, Kyo was just angry with himself. He hadn’t (almost surprisingly) been the one to actually drive Kisaki away, but maybe he _should_ have been, ages ago. Then they wouldn’t be in this situation now, bass-less and expected on stage in only a fortnight. There was just zero chance of them finding a new bassist to replace him in that little time.

For the briefest of moments, he wondered if they might convince Kisaki to come back, but even if they _could,_ he was sure no one would want to. It was a wonder he had hung around this long when everyone found him as intolerable as they did. The fact was that he just didn’t mesh well with the rest of the band. Even as Kyo considered that they’d have to switch up their setlist without Kisaki’s songs, he found it was no great loss. Kyo wrote all their lyrics and Kaoru was the primary source for the band’s compositions. Toshiya and Shinya brought in a few too, and there were things they worked on together, but all in all, it wasn’t like losing the handful of tunes Kisaki had penned would be that powerful a blow to their repertoire. 

It would still be a problem for them to not have a bassist though. 

Kyo’s phone was vibrating just as the train got to his stop and he waited to answer until the last second, just as he was coming up out of the underground.

“Hello?”

“Kyo, hey, it’s me.” 

It was, to Kyo’s mild surprise, Toshiya. It wasn’t that he hadn’t expected for his bandmates to want to talk about what had happened and what their options were from here, but he had definitely thought Kaoru would be the first one to call him.

“Hey,” Kyo said. There wasn’t any point in asking what was up; he’d just come from the same disaster of a rehearsal as Toshiya, and was pretty sure he knew how the guitarist was feeling.

“I can’t stop thinking about what we’re going to do,” Toshiya said.

“I know.” Kyo made his way out of the train station and up to the actual street level, somewhat relieved to find he wouldn’t have to be making his walk home in the rain.

“It’s just we’re supposed to have that gig in two weeks…”

“I know, and it was such a pain to get that gig,” Kyo said.

“We can’t just back out of it.”

“Well, what the fuck else are we supposed to do?” Kyo said. “We can’t find some random new bassist in that short a time and expect them to get caught up on everything we’re playing! I’ve been running through everyone I know in my head—”

“Even me?”

Kyo paused. “Even you?”

“I mean…” Toshiya sighed. “I play bass. You know that. You know I _wanted_ to play bass for the band in the first place.”

Kyo had actually forgotten about that. Back when they were first forming the group, Toshiya and Kisaki had both been contenders for the role of bassist. Kisaki had only won out due to his seniority, along with the fact that Toshiya could still be useful to the band as a secondary guitarist. He’d gone along with it grudgingly, and Kyo hadn’t really thought of Toshiya as anything other than rhythm guitarist since then.

“So… you want to take over as bassist now?” Kyo said carefully.

“In a way, I’m excited that he’s out,” Toshiya said, sounding slightly embarrassed. “I’m much better with a bass than with a guitar, you know.”

“Right, right,” Kyo said. This changed how he was thinking about things. “You think you could get those bass lines down in time for the live?”

“I can’t guarantee that they’ll be exactly what he was playing,” Toshiya said. “But they’ll probably be better.”

Kyo snorted. “This is the best news I’ve heard all day, then.”

“It’s not exactly great news, though,” Toshiya said.

“How is it not? You’ve solved the problem I’ve been struggling with all evening of how we could possibly find a bassist to replace Kisaki on such short notice.”

“So we’ve found one,” Toshiya said. “But now we need to find a new rhythm guitarist.”

“Oh,” Kyo said, frowning. “Maybe we don’t… need one?”

“Gee, thanks,” Toshiya said.

“I’m not trying to be offensive,” Kyo said quickly. “I just mean, we’ve got Kaoru, he’s got most of the guitar parts handled, hasn’t he?”

“About half?” Toshiya said. “We were expecting to have two guitarists, Kyo. There are whole solos that Kaoru would have to pick up, not to mention all the harmony parts that would be lost, and the countless moments where we’re just playing different things, both crucial to the song. We’d have to basically rearrange _everything_.”

“So that’s even worse than finding a new bassist is what you’re saying,” Kyo said.

“I’m just saying, one solution doesn’t make the entire problem go away.”

“Still, a guitarist is probably easier to find than a bassist, right?” Kyo said as he rounded a corner and turned onto the street with his apartment building. “Guitar’s a popular instrument.”

“And two weeks is a short timeframe,” Toshiya said.

“What’s going on here?” Kyo said. “How am I ending up the more optimistic one in this conversation?”

“Are you optimistic?”

“No,” Kyo said. “I don’t think we stand a chance of finding anyone, and if we still have to perform in two weeks we’re gonna sound like shit and probably never get another gig in this city.”

“There, that sounds more like you,” Toshiya said. There was a brief pause before he said, “Have you talked to Kaoru?”

“Not yet,” Kyo said. He nodded to one of his neighbors as he started up the steps to his building, then headed for the single rickety elevator. “I would have thought he’d have called me by now, but I guess you got to me first.”

“Do you think he’s going to try to get Kisaki back?”

“That would be… a shocking turn of events,” Kyo said, and punched the button for his floor. “After the things he said to him at the rehearsal today, I’d be surprised if he ever talked to him again—outside of maybe a courtroom.”

Toshiya laughed. “It was pretty ugly, wasn’t it? I didn’t think it would be Kaoru in the end. Like on some level, I knew someone was gonna blow up eventually, but my money was on it being you.”

“I guess my money would have been on me too, if I weren’t me, knowing I wasn’t going to blow up,” Kyo said. “Kaoru taking Kisaki’s head off didn’t seem too far out of left field.”

“No, I guess not,” Toshiya said. “What do you think he’s doing now?”

“Kaoru?” The elevator jolted to a stop at Kyo’s floor and he headed down the hall, past the flickering fluorescent light to his front door. “Writing, probably. Some furious composition he’ll bring in tomorrow and expect us to have nailed by the end of the week.”

“Are we even still meeting tomorrow?”

Kyo frowned, freezing with his key in the lock. “I… I don’t know. I thought we would.”

“We don’t even have a band anymore.”

“How can you say that? The rest of us are still here!”

“Is Shinya still onboard?”

Kyo’s frown deepened at the mention of the drummer. He was quiet and hard to read; it was difficult to say whether he would want to remain with the band after Kisaki’s departure or not. He wanted to assume that he would. He had always felt deeply bonded to Shinya and hated the very idea of losing him as a bandmate. “I haven’t talked to him either.”

“How did you think he seemed?” Toshiya said. “I couldn’t really get a good read on him, but you guys are closer.”

Kyo came into his apartment, flicking the light on and locking the deadbolt behind him. “I wasn’t really focused on him though, with everything going on.” He tossed his keys on the table by the door and toed off his shoes, leaving them in the genkan. “He didn’t seem… emotional, one way or the other.”

“Do you think he’ll leave?”

“If he does, I’m blaming it 100% on you,” Kyo said. “If you didn’t fuck with him so much…”

“Oh, please, don’t act like you’re so innocent,” Toshiya said. “I can’t help that he’s an easy target for poking fun at! I don’t think he _really_ minds. I mean, if he ever said it really bothered him, I’d stop. He gets that, right?”

“I dunno,” Kyo said. As he stepped more fully into his apartment he thought he heard… something. Had he left the TV on while he was out?

“Shit, I’m gonna feel awful if he leaves the band now,” Toshiya said. “Should I call him? Maybe I should call.”

“Yeah, maybe you should just go ahead and call,” Kyo said distractedly. His TV was off, but there was definitely music playing. Where was it coming from?

“…You okay?” Toshiya asked.

“Yeah, no, I’m fine,” Kyo said. “I’ll see you tomorrow—or if rehearsal’s canceled… Well, I’ll talk to you either way.”

“Okay.”

“Work on those bass lines,” Kyo added. “Just in case.”

“I will,” Toshiya said with a laugh. “G’night.”

Kyo said goodbye and ended the call, dropping his phone on the arm of the couch. He looked around for the source of the music. It wasn’t his laptop. It wasn’t anything familiar at all, and honestly, his apartment was small enough that there wasn’t anywhere it _could_ be coming from.

He closed his eyes, listening more intently. It was beautiful, gentle strains of acoustic guitar, and Kyo wondered if one of his neighbors was a musician and he’d just never noticed, but he pushed the idea aside. It was too _close_. There was no chance that it was coming from next door, even with the relatively thin walls of the building. 

His last guess was that it could be coming from somewhere outside, if maybe he’d left a window cracked open, and he started towards the sliding door leading to his pathetic excuse for a balcony, and wrenched back the curtains.

For a split second he was sure he saw someone—there was _definitely_ a shadowy long-haired figure, guitar and all, perched on the little wall around his balcony—but as soon as he got the door open there was no one there at all.

Kyo took a few steps out, even leaning over the railing and looking down at the street below. The music had ceased as well, and he felt as though he’d lost his mind. 

Shaking his head, Kyo turned and headed back inside. Maybe he just had thoughts of guitars weighing too heavily upon him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to be posting this story, and to hear your thoughts on it. The comments so far have just made me even more excited, aaah, I hope you guys are enjoying it so far xoxoxo!!

Kyo jerked awake at the sound of his phone vibrating, but as he felt blindly around, he couldn’t find it anywhere. He ended up picking himself up off the couch where he’d fallen asleep the night before and shaking out blankets, unable to find where the sound was coming from, much in the way he had looked for the source of the mysterious music just twelve hours earlier. 

He finally found it wedged between the couch cushions and answered it just before it would have gone to voicemail (that seemed to keep happening to him).

“H’lo?”

“Did I wake you?” It actually was Kaoru this time, his voice reassuring in its patience, even though Kyo knew there must be a great deal of stress and frustration buried under that front.

“Uhh, yeah, kind of, but it’s fine.” Kyo let himself fall back onto the couch and scratched at the back of his head, mussing his sleep-disheveled hair even more. “Expected you to call yesterday.”

“Hmm. I wanted to work a few things out before calling,” Kaoru said. “We have a problem with the band.”

“You mean it being dead?”

There was a pause before Kaoru said, “Please don’t say that.”

“What would you like me to say instead?”

“We’re… reconfiguring our lineup.”

“Is that phrase one of the things you wanted to work out before calling?” Kyo asked.

“The main concern is our upcoming live,” Kaoru said.

“I know. And we don’t have a bassist.” Kyo leaned his head back against the couch. “Or maybe we don’t have a rhythm guitarist.”

“Wait, what?” A sliver of panic could be heard through a crack in Kaoru’s calm. “You’ve talked to Toshiya. Are you saying he…? What are you saying?”

“No, Toshiya’s not going anywhere,” Kyo said quickly. 

“Because if it came down to that, I mean, we could try… apologizing… to Kisaki…”

“That is not going to fucking happen, and you know it.”

“No, god, you’d have to pay me more than my life is worth to apologize to that dickbag,” Kaoru said.

“I figured,” Kyo said. “But Toshiya said he can take over bass.”

There was another pause. For how much Kaoru generally liked to have the conversation planned out from his end, it was clear that this one was throwing him again and again. “Then we don’t need… to find a new bassist?”

“That’s what Toshiya is saying,” Kyo said. “But that still leaves us with the problem of finding a new rhythm guitarist.”

“I can handle most of that,” Kaoru said dismissively.

“When I tried to say that, Toshiya took great offense,” Kyo said.

“Hmm…”

Kyo waited for him to say more, but he didn’t. “So. Are we still having rehearsal today?”

“Hm? Why wouldn’t we?” 

“I just wasn’t sure if we were even still—”

“We need the rehearsal now more than ever,” Kaoru said. “In fact, would you be able to meet half an hour early? We won’t have access to the rehearsal space, but we could go over some of the changes that will need to be made, talk through them…”

Kyo glanced at the clock on the wall before answering, “Yeah, that’s no problem. One more thing, Kaoru, have you talked to Shinya?”

“You haven’t?”

Kyo winced. After talking to Toshiya the night before, Kyo had really done little else besides writing out a few of his feelings and then passing out on the couch. He hadn’t even changed out of his clothes. “I was going to talk to you first,” he said.

“Well, I spoke to him last night. He’ll be at rehearsal today. I’ll see you there.”

“Right, okay,” Kyo said, somewhat reassured. “See you.” He hung up and breathed out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t really been worried that Shinya would leave the band, and yet hearing that he would definitely be at rehearsal was still comforting.

Thankful that he didn’t have to be back at his day job until the following day, Kyo dragged himself up from the couch and went through the motions of gathering up something to wear before slumping into the shower. Normally he would have preferred to take a bath, but he had utterly failed in the time management department the previous night and he was just going to have to pay for it now by getting ready in a bit of a hurry.

Half an hour later he was about to head out the door when he ran back and grabbed his lyrics notebook from where he’d left it on the floor in front of the couch. He was still confident that Kaoru would be bringing in music he’d want them to master, and he figured there might be something he could transfer over out of what he’d scribbled down before falling asleep.

He was distracted enough wondering how their songwriting process as a band would change without Kisaki there that he hardly noticed the soft sounds of a guitar playing, beginning just as he closed and locked his front door.

Kyo arrived at the rehearsal space early, but more significantly, he arrived _before Kaoru_. He wasn’t sure such a thing had ever happened before, and was just in the process of taking an artsy selfie to commemorate the occasion when Shinya showed up, giving him a very judgmental look.

Even being judged, Kyo couldn’t pretend he wasn’t happy to see him. “Shinya! We both beat Kaoru here, what do you think of that?”

“Is that what your photoshoot there is about?” Shinya said, nodding towards the phone in Kyo’s hand.

“Naturally.”

“Shall we take one together?” Shinya held out his hand.

Kyo hesitated. Shinya was good at the whole social human thing. His Instagram was an ocean of photos of him with various friends and acquaintances, and he always looked like he’d walked off a runway, or possibly the set of some high-budget fantasy film. Kyo preferred to stay out of pictures with other people, or to exist safely hidden behind a face mask. He was awkward around people he didn’t know well. Honestly he was awkward around people he _did_ know well, too, but they were more tolerant.

Shinya rolled his eyes and pulled out his own phone, snapping an attractive photo of himself and posting it right then and there, with a cute caption about how Kyo had been there too but was wearing too much camouflage to be seen in the picture. Kyo watched as it got sixteen new “likes” just in the few minutes they were sitting there. 

Truly, Shinya was probably responsible for the majority of the gigs that their band managed to score, just due to his knack for social networking. If he really did leave because of this whole thing with Kisaki, that would be the end for them, Kyo was sure.

The two of them found a little table outside the coffee shop that was on the ground floor of the studio building and sat down to wait for the rest of the band, or what was left of it. Shinya spent another minute or two looking at his phone before Kyo tried to talk to him.

“How are you doing?” he asked, knowing it didn’t come out sounding half as casual as he meant for it to.

“I think I’m doing better than the rest of you,” Shinya said. “If you’re worried that Kisaki leaving is going to make me leave, you have it backwards. I’ve just been waiting for us to get rid of him.”

“Did you have someone in mind to replace him?” Kyo wondered. He never stopped being amused by the ways in which Shinya, despite his quiet and angelic demeanor, was more pragmatic and callous than the rest of them at times. 

“Toshiya’s a better bassist,” Shinya said simply. “I’ve been keeping my ears open for another guitarist, but I haven’t heard of anyone we might recruit.”

The wording struck a chord in Kyo, calling up the memory of the mysterious guitar-playing he’d heard the night before and he sought to explain it to Shinya. “I actually thought I heard someone last night.”

“You _thought_ you heard them?”

“Well, I can’t be sure where it was coming from,” Kyo said, frowning. “It seemed like it was just outside my apartment, but when I looked, there was no one there. It was beautiful though…”

“You’re sure you didn’t dream it?” Shinya looked skeptical. “You’ve probably had a lot on your mind.”

“No, I… I’m sure I was awake,” Kyo said, although he doubted it more even as he said it. He had fallen asleep early, and his dreams had been strange, restless things. He’d had the unsettling sense that he was being watched, though there was nothing fully formed enough to have a proper memory of once he woke up.

“Maybe it was someone in your building then, and you can find them later,” Shinya suggested.

Toshiya and Kaoru arrived just then, together, and Kyo forgot the matter quickly. 

“Sorry I’m late,” Kaoru said, barely glancing at them before he set his things down and pulled out a chair at the table.

“You’re technically not,” Kyo said. “It’s still five minutes till we were supposed to meet.”

Kaoru ignored him. “Toshiya and I have been going over everything, and I think it will work fine for him to take over on bass. Kisaki certainly wasn’t doing anything Toshiya can’t pick up easily enough.”

“That means a lot coming from you,” Toshiya said, and thought he said it in a joking tone, there was actually something to his words. While none of them exactly doubted that Kaoru respected their musicianship, it was rare for him to put his appreciation to words, even in such a small way, and Kyo was sure Toshiya really did think it meant a lot.

Kaoru spread his sheet music out on the table and spent the next twenty-odd minutes going through it, putting off to the side the handful of more Kisaki-centric tunes from his folder and marking up the others, noting where he would be taking over solos and circling whole sections that he wasn’t sure how to re-work yet. Toshiya had clearly already discussed many of the changes with him before they arrived, and the rest of the band contributed where they could, but there was only so much they could suggest when it came to matters of guitar, and Kyo found himself feeling a bit useless as Kaoru went through page after page, barely looking up from his work.

At length, Kaoru started stacking everything up again, putting his pencil aside with a sigh. “That should cover just about everything.”

Toshiya made some small sound of disagreement in the back of his throat, but it wasn’t small enough that anyone could ignore it, and they turned to look at him. “It’s a temporary fix at best,” he said.

“From here on out we can make sure new works don’t have parts in them for extra band members,” Kaoru said, some of the strain of the events since yesterday showing around his eyes, and creeping into his voice, “But if you want to play most of what we have already, this will have to do.”

Toshiya looked for a moment like he wanted to argue more, but he kept his lips pressed firmly together. It was surprising that he’d spoken out as much as he had; he wasn’t usually one to pick fights.

As they gathered their things to go into the rehearsal space, Kyo walked alongside Toshiya, eyeing him nervously. Was yesterday only the beginning? Would they all start being at one another’s throats now, tearing the group apart?

“What’s the problem?” he asked, his voice pitched low enough for Kaoru not to hear.

Toshiya gave a small, irritated shake of his head. “He’s being stubborn.”

“And this is surprising?”

“No, it’s just unhelpful,” Toshiya said. “There’s no way he can cover as much of the guitar parts as he’s claiming to be able to. He’s going to exhaust himself and it’s still going to end up sounding like we’ve got gaping holes in stuff. If he wants us to retain any of the sound we’ve had in the past, we _need_ another guitarist.”

“Why don’t you tell him that?” Kyo asked.

“You think I didn’t?” Toshiya half-laughed. “That’s why we were running so late. I tried to tell him I thought it would be best for us to scope out other local groups and see if we could find anyone who was looking to move on from where they are, and he got so _defensive_, saying he could handle it, and it wasn’t necessary. I’m still going to be on the lookout for someone we could bring in, even if Kaoru’s not able to be part of that search.”

Kyo nodded solemnly. “Shinya said something similar. I’ll look, too,” he assured Toshiya.

The rehearsal itself was not as smooth as they were used to. There was less bickering, since Kaoru didn’t have anyone trying to battle him for leadership, but it was all stops and starts, running back and taking things again, even on songs that they used to be able to to play with their eyes closed. It was clear that Kaoru could not possibly take on everything he was trying to, and yet he was unwilling to back down from his stance on the matter, leaving everyone else patiently waiting as he worked himself into a fit of frustration.

“Let’s take ten,” Kaoru growled, putting his guitar on its stand and already fishing out his carton of cigarettes on his way out of the room. No one really felt like approaching him in his sensitive emotional state, so they stayed behind.

“We don’t have time,” Shinya said, still settled behind his drum set. “Maybe if we had another month, I would think Kaoru could get it to where it sounded all right, but it doesn’t matter how talented he is; he can’t play two guitar parts at once.”

“You try telling him that, then,” Toshiya said. “You know what he’s like.”

“All I can do is threaten him with my own lack of cooperation,” Shinya said. “I’m fairly sure we don’t have time for that, either.”

Kyo cracked open a water bottle and took a sip. “We already know what we need to do. We need to find a new member for the band. Are you sure you guys don’t know anyone? Toshiya, what about from your old group?”

Toshiya shook his head. “The guitarist from my old group was an asshole; I don’t think we want to try and wedge him in here.”

“I know a couple people,” Shinya said. “But they’re used to doubling as vocalists, and I’m not sure they would take kindly to being relegated to rhythm guitar only.”

Kyo sighed. “Let’s make a deadline for ourselves. We need to find someone new no later than Saturday, or else we need to totally reevaluate our setlist before it’s too late. We’re probably going to have to do some more active searching than just keeping our eyes and ears open at this point.”

Toshiya’s fingers played around the edge of a sticker on his bass. “I don’t want Kaoru to feel like we’re going behind his back.”

“He’ll thank us when we still have a band at the end of this,” Shinya said.

Just then the door opened and Kaoru came in, looking around at all of them. “No one else came out for a smoke.”

“I quit,” Kyo reminded him.

“I’m trying to quit, too,” Toshiya said.

“Guess it’s just me, now.” Kaoru looked sort of awkward about it, scratching at a spot behind his ear before he shrugged and went to retrieve his guitar. He didn’t ask anyone else if they were ready before he announced where they were starting and told Shinya to bring them back in.

The rest of the rehearsal wasn’t much better than the first half. Sure, there was progress, and one or two songs seemed like maybe they could be starting to come together, but given their time limitations, Kyo was not at all optimistic, and actually went home at the end of the evening feeling even more discouraged than he had the day before.

It wasn’t until he was walking along the corridor of his building that he remembered Shinya’s suggestion that there might be a guitarist in Kyo’s building that he could try to get his hands on. He paused in the hall, listening, but even the usual voices from the apartments on either side of his own seemed quiet, and he gave up, finishing the walk to his door in frustrated silence.

There was nothing to be done, he thought, as he came inside and took off his shoes before heading to the kitchen. Even with all of them looking, there was no guarantee that they could find someone by Saturday; they might have to just do their best with Kaoru and try to help him in any way they could, and if they blew the upcoming gig… Well, that would just have to be something they moved forward from. He rummaged through the fridge and pulled out some leftovers that looked safe to eat. He put them in the microwave to heat up and crossed his small apartment to the bathroom, stripping off his jacket and shirt as he walked. He started filling the bathtub, making sure the temperature was right before he came back out and left the rest of his clothes in the hamper in the corner of his bedroom. 

Before Kisaki had taken off, it had really seemed like they were on the cusp of something. Like the greatness for which they were destined might be just around the corner, like this upcoming live could be a real turning point for them. Kyo wondered if all that was magnified by the way in which it all now seemed hopeless. Some part of him still couldn’t help but wonder if they might be able to get Kisaki to come back just for this one last performance. It wouldn’t ever happen, but he couldn’t seem to keep his mind from coming back to that.

The microwave beeped and Kyo snatched up some chopsticks on his way back through the kitchen as he went to take it out.

It was his own fault, to a degree. Like Shinya had said, many of the other guitarists doubled as vocalist, and if he was truly pulling his own weight, Kyo could pick up whatever guitar parts were missing. Instead he was just there taking up space, keeping the other band members from getting a new guitarist because they would have to replace him. He set down his dinner on the edge of his dresser, and stepped into the bathroom once more.

Switching the faucet over to shower instead of filling the tub, he settled under the stream and washed quickly, scrubbing over tattooed skin and rinsing shampoo from his hair. Once all the suds had gone down the drain, he wasted no time in shutting off the water, and took his leftovers with him as he climbed into the still-full bathtub with a hiss and a sigh.

He leaned back, closing his eyes and trying to let the hot water relax him. He hated the thought of being a burden to his bandmates. They had, over time, become like his family, and he never wanted to be the variable that kept them from success. If Shinya really thought they might be able to get one of those singing guitarists for the group, they should try, and Kyo would be willing to step down. He could sacrifice himself for the good of everyone. 

Kyo lingered in the bath for a long while after he’d finished his dinner and set the empty container aside, thinking and not thinking, eyes closed. When he heard the smooth and elegant sounds of a guitar playing, it took him a few minutes to realize it wasn’t just that he’d left music on in the other room. It was the same as he’d heard the night before, and his eyes snapped open as he thought he might have another chance to find whoever was playing.

He leapt out of the tub, taking a good amount of the bath water with him, and barely bothered drying off before he wrapped his towel around his hips and went, dripping, out into his apartment. The music was louder than it had been before, as Kyo crossed his bedroom and went to the genkan, opening his front door and poking his head out into the hall. It wasn’t coming from out there. 

He closed the door and just as he turned back to his apartment he saw him—sitting perched on the back of the couch, plain as day, an acoustic guitar in his lap, playing with absolutely zero concern for what was going on around him. For a second Kyo stood frozen just staring at the stranger—long-limbed and beautiful, his brow furrowed as he concentrated on the music he was making—lost as to how he could possibly confront someone who had broken into his apartment, what, just to rehearse?

Shaking his head to clear it, Kyo squared his shoulders and marched into the living room. “Hey!”

The stranger didn’t react at all.

Kyo scowled and pushed his wet hair back from his face before trying again, even more angrily. “I said, HEY.”

At that, the man’s eyes flicked up, and then went wide as he saw Kyo glaring at him.

“Yeah, who the fuck did you think I was talking to?” Kyo said. 

The stranger’s hands stilled on his guitar and he got gracefully up from the couch, though he didn’t speak.

“You wanna tell me just what the hell you’re doing in my apartment?” Kyo crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to feel intimidated despite the fact that this guy had easily a good fifteen centimeters on him in height, and Kyo was naked save for the towel around his hips.

Dark eyes moved over Kyo, seeming almost curious, and then, “You… can see me?”

Kyo blinked at him. “You’re standing right there.”

“You heard me playing,” the stranger said quietly.

“Of course I did!” Kyo said, gesturing to the guitar incredulously. “You’re in my fucking apartment! It’s not a big place, in case you hadn’t noticed. What, did you think I’m deaf and blind or something?”

The man shook his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I… didn’t think you could see me.”

“Looks like you left your invisibility cloak at home, buddy,” Kyo said. He was starting to think this guy might be mentally unstable and it might not have been wise to confront him without calling anyone for backup, but still he asked, “Why would you think I wouldn't see you?”

The stranger narrowed his eyes, looking distrustfully at Kyo for a long moment. Finally he shrugged. “Because I’m dead.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're meeting! It's an encounter! This chapter is pretty short ok ok

Kyo only stared at him for a moment before saying, “Um. Obviously you’re not.”

“I am, I swear!” 

“Prove it.”

The stranger looked down at himself for a moment and then sighed. “How do you want me to prove it?”

Kyo shrugged. “Do something only someone who’s dead can do.”

The man pushed some hair back behind his ear and then looked at his hand, very focused. He brought it slowly down to the back of the couch. And stopped. Frowning, he pushed his fingertips against the upholstery, but if there was something he meant to have happen, it wasn’t happening. “I… it’s not always something I have… a great amount of control over.”

“What isn’t?”

“My corporeal… form?” He closed his eyes, concentrating again, and then suddenly his hand was moving _through_ the back of the couch. “Aha! See??”

“What the fuck.”

“I told you, I’m dead!”

Kyo looked from the hand with a couch through it back up to the apparently-dead guy’s face. “So… you’re a ghost.”

“I guess you’d call it that.”

Kyo shook his head. He wasn’t sure he was willing to believe this just yet, but he wanted more information either way. “Who are you? And dead or alive, what are you doing in here?”

“My name is Die.”

“Like Daisuke…?”

“Spelled D-I-E.”

Kyo snorted. “Is that supposed to be a joke? Something to go with your ghost persona?”

“It’s supposed to be a stage name,” Die replied icily. “I wasn’t planning on actually dying back when I first started going by it.”

Kyo eyed the guitar that he still seemed to be holding. He supposed _if_ this guy was really a ghost—not that he was buying that necessarily—the guitar must have come with him from his ghost dimension because he didn’t seem to have any trouble holding it, even when he’d made his other hand all non-corporeal. “So you had a stage name for your guitar-playing?”

Die nodded. 

Kyo sucked on his tongue for a moment and then said, “You’re good.”

Die raised an eyebrow.

“The guitar. You sound good.” Kyo relaxed his posture a little bit, starting to feel more confident that this intruder wasn’t going to do him any bodily harm. “That’s why I was looking for you; I heard you playing last night, too.”

Die looked surprised. “You did?”

“Wasn’t that you? On my balcony.” Kyo nodded towards the sliding door.

“It was.” Die’s gaze wandered, and Kyo could see him getting lost in thought.

“What’s wrong?”

“Have you ever heard me playing before then?”

“Before last night?” Kyo shook his head. “That was the first time I’ve heard anything like that. I thought I was imagining it.” He gave Die a look. “Considering you just told me you’re dead, I might still be imagining it.”

“No one has ever heard me playing, or seen me, since… for as long as I’ve been dead,” Die said. He moved his left hand, now slightly translucent, up to rub nervously at his collarbone.

“And how long has that been?” Kyo asked. He looked Die up and down, but his clothing didn’t seem to indicate any particular time period outside of the present day. He was well-dressed, in form-fitting jeans and a long t-shirt, a leather jacket over it all. For the second time, Kyo was struck by how attractive he was.

“I’m not actually sure how long it’s been,” Die admitted, looking uncomfortable. “What’s the date now?”

Kyo told him, and watched a curious, sad smile cross his face.

“That must be it then,” Die said, more to himself than to Kyo. 

Somehow it didn’t feel right to pry into what exactly he meant by that, so Kyo let it go for the moment and tried to redirect them to the other question he hadn’t gotten answered yet. “You’re in my apartment. As a ghost, does that mean you’re, what, tethered here? Did you die _in this apartment_?” Kyo looked around, wondering whether that was all something he’d overlooked when he’d filled out paperwork for the place years ago.

“No,” Die said. “I didn’t die here. I _lived_ here. I guess I just came back here because... it feels like home.”

Kyo opened his mouth to ask just how exactly Die had gotten himself killed anyway, but thought better of it at the last second, and just pursed his lips thoughtfully instead. “Hmm.” He looked around the living room again, let himself try to imagine what it might have looked like when this stranger was living there before him. “Guess it feels like home to me, too.” 

“I didn’t mean to disturb you,” Die said.

Kyo waved a hand. “You didn’t really. I mean, you did—I found it highly disturbing to have some guy sitting uninvited in my living room jammin’ on the guitar, and only more so once he started talking about being dead—but I guess I’m over it now.”

Die quirked an eyebrow again. “That’s… surprisingly chill of you.”

“How long have you been playing?” Kyo asked as he crossed to the tiny kitchen to pull a water bottle out of his fridge.

“Time is a little bit tricky for me, conceptually,” Die said. “I’ve played guitar most of my life. And after.”

Kyo jerked a thumb towards the fridge. “Did you want anything?”

“No, thank you,” Die said. “I don’t eat. Or drink. Well, not anymore.”

“Used to be a big drinker, eh?”

“Alcohol was one of my biggest enemies in life,” Die said, almost fondly.

“You had a number of enemies?”

“No, no,” Die said. “All things considered, I… was pretty well-liked. I mean, as far as I know. It’s a strange thing to look back on.”

“Did you get to go to your own funeral?” Kyo asked, cracking his water bottle open. “I always kind of wished I’d get to do that.”

“To see what people really thought of you?”

Kyo shrugged. “More just to freak people out. I don’t think I’d want to know what people say about me after I’m dead. I don’t even really want to know what they think of me when I’m alive.”

Die laughed at that, and the sound startled Kyo. It was a foreign sound in his lonely apartment and seemed too light to have come from a dead—undead?—being.

“To answer your question,” Die said, "No. I didn’t attend my funeral. I’m not usually able to travel around this… realm so much.” He made a face. “Trust me, I know how weird that sounds.”

“It’s good that you’re self-aware,” Kyo said. He walked past Die, was about to sit on the couch, when he realized he still wasn’t dressed. “Oh, um. I’m gonna put on some clothes.”

“Oh, sure,” Die said, visibly embarrassed. He looked away.

“If you don’t have free rein of the realm or whatever,” Kyo said, raising his voice as he continued speaking on his way to the bathroom, “Does that mean you’ve been, what, _here_? All the time, without me ever noticing?” He pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and a t-shirt. Normally he didn’t bother wearing one to bed, but since he had company…

It took a moment for Die to respond. “Not all the time. Like I said, the passage of time is hard for me, but I haven’t been… _aware_ of you. Certainly not for years.”

Kyo came back into the living room. Die looked soft and vulnerable, his fingers playing absently over his lower lip as he stared into space. Or maybe, Kyo supposed, he really could see something there, in another realm. Like a cat.

“So where have you been, if not here, and not at your funeral?” Kyo asked. He was aware that it might be kind of a personal question, and prepared himself for the possibility that Die wouldn’t want to answer.

“It’s… hard to describe,” Die said vaguely.

Kyo nodded, deciding not to press the issue. He took another drink from his water bottle. “But you’ll be… staying, now?”

Die looked over at him. “Oh. Um. No, I guess… I wouldn’t impose on you like that.”

Kyo shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t really care. Long as you more or less stay out of my way.”

Die blinked. “You wouldn’t mind a dead guy hanging around your apartment?”

_Not one that looks like you_. “Nah,” Kyo said, rubbing at his hair. “I mean, it’s not like you’re a really creepy one.” He frowned. “Sorry, I hope that’s not somehow offensive for me to say.”

“It’s not,” Die said. “I’m just… surprised.”

“Yeah, well,” Kyo said. “I don’t see the point in trying to get rid of you. I don’t mind your guitar-playing, either.”

“Of course I can try to make myself scarce, anytime you need me to,” Die said. “I mean, I don’t know exactly how to do that, but I’ll work on it. You deserve your privacy, too.”

“I appreciate that,” Kyo said. He was about ready to turn in by now, and was going to say so, but Die was making a peculiar face, so he waited to see what he was thinking.

“I’m… You’re sure I’m not imposing?” Die said. “I don’t want to make things awkward for you, if you, you know, have your girlfriend over, and want to be alone.”

Kyo scoffed loudly, not bothering to hide his amusement that that would be what Die was worried about. “I definitely don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Any girl you’d want to bring home then—”

“Not gonna happen,” Kyo said. He didn’t feel the need to go more in-depth than that. “I’m really hardly ever home anyway, between work and everything else. I don’t think we’ll have a problem.”

“Still,” Die said. “I’ll try to keep my visits… brief.”

“Yeah, you just do your best. If there’s an issue, I’m not shy about bringing it up,” Kyo assured him.

Die finally smiled, the softness of it fitting his face better than Kyo expected. “Thanks.”

“And with that settled, I’m going to head for bed,” Kyo said, stretching his arms over his head. “If you… need anything…?”

“I won’t wake you,” Die said. “But, um, would it bother you if I played a while longer? I don’t have to…” He pulled his guitar back into his lap, eyebrows tilted hopefully.

“No, I don’t mind at all,” Kyo said. “I like your playing.”

Die smiled again, wider this time, his teeth showing, all perfect and even, straight across. Kyo rather liked it. He hoped it was a smile he would see more often.

“Goodnight—Wait,” Die said, stopping Kyo from leaving the room. “I… never got your name.”

“Oh. It’s Kyo.”

“Kyo.” Die nodded. “Then, goodnight, Kyo. Sleep well.”

“Do you sleep?” Kyo cocked his head, peering at Die.

“Not as such.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said. “Enjoy your night then. I hope my snoring isn’t too bothersome.”

“I doubt that I’ll be troubled by it.”

“And by the way,” Kyo said, “if I’m asking too much nosy shit, just tell me. I’ve never… You’re my first ghost. I know I’m not always the most sensitive to people’s comfort, so just tell me to fuck off if I get too personal, all right?”

“I’ll do that,” Die said.

“Good. Okay.” Kyo looked around the living room. “I’ll leave the light on for you?”

“Thanks. I’ll turn it off in a bit.”

Kyo nodded. It was kind of like having any other guest. In a surreal and impossible kind of way.

He bade Die goodnight once more and went into his bedroom. He could hear the first notes of the guitar playing again before he even lay down. 

He let the gentle sound of it lull him to sleep. Maybe it was a skewed way to look at it, but he found he felt _safer_ with Die there, knowing there was someone else in the apartment—even a spirit. Distantly he wondered whether he would wake in the morning to find the whole encounter had been a dream.

If so, it was one worth writing about, and he carried that inspiration into restfulness.


	4. Chapter 4

The apartment was empty when Kyo awoke. Nothing was out of place, nothing left behind; there was no sign that someone else had been there at all.

No sign, except for Kyo’s vivid memories of the evening.

He spent the entirety of his travel time to work trying to pick through the details recorded in his thoughts for evidence of reality. He was sure he’d heard the guitar more than one night in a row. Die was an explanation for that, if nothing else.

Still, the whole thing sounded a bit far-fetched, even to his own mind, and he’d _been_ there for it. He couldn’t bring it up to anyone else.

The work day passed in a distracted blur. People came to the museum’s front desk, spoke to him, left again, but Kyo hardly noticed them. He couldn’t get the ghost in his apartment out of his head, kept seeing his hands on his guitar, his smile so warm and open—Would he be there when Kyo came home that night? He almost wanted to sneak out early, to rush back to his place just to see if the spirit—if _Die_— was there.

But another part of him was afraid. Another part of him was all knotted up with the possibility that he really had seen Die only in his dreams, that if he hurried home, he’d have to face that fact that much sooner, accept that there was no such thing as ghosts, and that no one like Die had ever existed outside Kyo’s imagination.

Fortunately, he was able to put off that reality check a while longer, since he had band practice after work.

He walked into the rehearsal studio with his cup of coffee, mumbling his greetings to his bandmates, who were too busy having a conversation of their own to really notice anyway.

“It’s not feasible,” Shinya was saying. “We don’t have money to hire a guitarist.”

“I’m not saying long-term,” Toshiya replied. “But for this gig? We’re running out of time, and if we could offer some compensation, it might raise our chances of finding someone.”

“A support member,” Kaoru said thoughtfully. “Did you have someone in mind?”

“Well, no, not someone specific,” Toshiya admitted. “But it still might be our best bet. I mean, did anyone else have any leads?”

Proverbial crickets echoed in the answering silence.

Then Kyo had a terrible idea.

“I… might,” he said.

Everyone turned to look at him, but he couldn’t meet their eyes.

“You found us a potential new guitarist?” Shinya said.

“That’s a hard maybe,” Kyo said. “I haven’t, um, asked, or anything.” _And I’m not 100% sure I didn’t hallucinate him_.

“Well, you’d better get on with it!” Toshiya said.

“I will,” Kyo said. “I’ll… figure it out. And come back with—something, Thursday. An answer.”

“Worst case scenario,” Kaoru said, “We can muddle through with a single guitarist. It’s not unheard of, by any means. I think I could handle it, with enough preparation.”

“Which is exactly what we _don’t_ have,” Toshiya said, exasperated. He turned to Kyo. “_Ask_.”

They rehearsed, and in ways they sounded better and more unified than ever. At the same time, it was painfully obvious that a whole instrument was missing, and all their arrangements still had gaping holes in them, no matter what Kaoru might have been trying to do to mask that fact.

By the end of the night’s practice, everyone was uneasy, both discouraged and more confident than usual.

“You really found someone you think could handle the guitar parts?” Toshiya asked a bit eagerly, as they were packing up. “Since yesterday?”

“Like I said, _maybe,_” Kyo hedged. He didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. “It’s not anything like for sure.”

“Where did you find them? I’ve been running through all my contacts.”

“My apartment,” Kyo said, feeling the urge to swallow around the nervousness gathering in his throat.

“Your building? If that works out, I guess it’d be a pretty big coincidence,” Toshiya said.

“I guess so.”

Was it a coincidence? Die had only just appeared to him. Maybe there was a reason he’d never been visible before, and maybe this was it. Maybe he was _fated_ to be their new band member.

Or else that was why Kyo had _dreamed him up_.

“Toshiya, do you believe in ghosts?” Kyo asked, hoping it sounded casual.

Toshiya gave him a look, but was otherwise unfazed by the apparent non-sequitur. “You’ve been watching too many horror movies again?”

“Just.. thinking about it,” Kyo said. “An existence after death. Could that be possible?”

Toshiya was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “If you’re really asking my opinion, then yeah, sure. I think we know little enough about it, who’s to say any theory is impossible? I mean, spirits? Sounds wild at first, but not out of the question. They could be gods in some form, or… it’s not uncommon, right? Across countless cultures, people have reported experiences, said they were guided by spirits.”

Kyo nodded. That was true enough. Could this be such a case? Or was the spirit the one who had been guided to him?

“Should I be worried?” Toshiya asked, but some of that usual teasing was gone from his tone.

Kyo looked at him and found a wary gentleness in his eyes. It sparked some kind of guilt in Kyo, and he quickly looked away.

“No, no,” he said. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“You’ll talk to me if you need to.”

“I will,” Kyo said. “If there was anything, you’d be the first person I’d come to.”

Toshiya didn’t question him any further, and Kyo went home alone, his guts twisting around themselves as he wondered what, if anything, he would find when he walked in the door. Maybe Die could only appear during certain hours of the night. Maybe he’d be falling asleep and he’d catch the strains of Die’s guitar again.

He hoped he would.

As it happened, he didn’t need to hope for that. His television was on in the living room, and he could hear it as soon as he came into his apartment. 

“Hello?” Kyo called as he took off his shoes. “Die? Tadaima…?”

“Okaeri! I’m in here!” Die’s voice called from further into the flat.

Kyo allowed himself a private smile before following the voice into the living room. There was something kind of nice about having someone there waiting when he got home. It had been a while since he’d had that.

“Long day?” Die asked. He was lounging on Kyo’s couch, looking exactly as he had the night before, perhaps a bit more cheerful. His hands were behind his head, and he looked kind of happy to see Kyo, though that could have been Kyo’s projection.

“Not immeasurably so,” Kyo said with a shrug. “I wasn’t sure you’d be here.”

“Did you want me not to be?” Die said worriedly.

“No, I told you, I don’t have a problem with—”

“And you’re allowed to change your mind,” Die cut him off and sat up fully. “At any time. It’s _your_ apartment.”

“It was yours, once.”

“Yeah, I had my chance with it. Now the place is yours and it’s your right to throw me out on my ass.”

“Well, I still won’t,” Kyo said. He had to drag his gaze from the unsettling earnestness in Die’s face. What kind of spirit offered to give up his haunting grounds without a fight, without even an exorcism? Kyo wanted to say he’d never met a ghost like Die, but he knew it was moot, considering he’d never known anyone dead at all.

For the first time since coming in, Kyo’s attention turned to the television. “What are we watching?”

“Oh,” said Die. “It’s that variety show, where the guy is teaching celebrity guests his seduction tactics and stuff.”

Kyo looked at the screen, his mouth scrunched up to one side. The host of the show was demonstrating how to back up a car in the most suave way possible, and the girls in the studio audience were squealing.

“And _why_ exactly is that what we’re watching?” he said.

Die shrugged. “I guess it’s what I flipped to after the music station performance.” He, too, was staring at the TV screen, a wrinkle in his brow like he was trying to understand something particularly difficult. “You know, I remember this show. Not a thing about it has changed since it was on back when I was still alive.”

Kyo still wasn’t sure precisely when that had been. “What do you expect to change about it?”

“Anything,” Die said, flailing one arm slightly. “Even the guy looks exactly the same. Seriously, has he aged at all?”

“Maybe he hasn’t,” Kyo said. “Maybe he’s ageless, like you.” That was a bit of an assumption, that Die didn’t age, but it pretty much seemed like a given that one didn’t grow older after death.

Die raised an eyebrow, interested. “You think so? Think he’s a ghost and that’s how he’s stayed so pretty?”

“Sure!” Kyo said. “Or maybe a vampire, are those real?” He finally came around to join Die in sitting on the couch, and Die scooted to make room for him without being asked. “It’s funny, but finding out ghosts are real, I’m curious what other monsters are more than myth—” He winced. “Fuck, that was insensitive. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean you’re a monster.”

Die didn’t appear overly bothered. “I know what I am. They make horror movies about people like me, I get it.”

“I’m really sorry, though,” Kyo said. “And besides, they’ll make horror movies about anything—trust me, I would know.”

“Something of a buff?”

“I just think they’re fun. Horror, sci-fi… I like zombie flicks. Hey, are there zombies?”

“I’ve never personally encountered any,” Die said. “And I’d prefer to keep it that way.”

“Fair,” Kyo said.

“What else do you like?” Die asked. When Kyo just gave him a curious look, he went on, “If you really don’t mind me hanging around, we might end up spending some time together. It seems right I should get to know you.”

“I suppose so,” Kyo said. He leaned back against the arm of the couch, getting comfortable, and pointed at the TV. “For one thing, not this.”

Die looked. The show’s guests were now taking turns attempting the sexy car-backing-up move, but none of them could really pull it off like the host, and the audience was laughing. Die grinned and shut the TV off. “Not a fan, huh?”

Kyo shook his head. “That guy gives me the creeps. He’s just weird.”

“You wouldn’t want to be a guest on his show?” Die teased.

“Hell no!” Kyo said. “I don’t even know how much you’d have to pay me just to get near him.”

Die laughed. “All right, noted.”

Kyo found himself smiling too. Die’s laugh was… It felt good. He closed his eyes, let his head fall back. “What else do I like… I like to draw? I like to sleep, when I can. Mostly I like music.”

For a second it felt like the air around Kyo _tingled_, and when he opened his eyes Die was looking at him. “What kind of music?”

“Lots of kinds,” Kyo said. He paused before adding, “I liked what you were playing last night.”

If he’d thought it was possible, Kyo would have said that Die blushed, but he was reasonably sure that wasn’t something ghosts could do.

“Yeah?” Die said. “I was just messing around.”

“So you’re a composer?”

“I’m—I _was_… Sometimes,” Die said. “I enjoyed writing music.”

“Not anymore?”

“I still do,” Die said. “But… no one hears it now.”

“Except me,” Kyo said.

Die looked at him for a long moment, nodded.

“You want to share it with more people,” Kyo said. “You said Die is your stage name; you’re a performer. It must be hard not being able to get out and perform.”

Die tipped his head forward and his long red hair fell in front of his face, almost hiding him from view. “Like a piece of me is missing.”

Kyo pushed his tongue against his teeth, thinking. This was a good lead-in to what he needed to ask. But was it smart? Die was _dead_. He’d only even known him for one day, and he literally wasn’t alive. What part of that made him a suitable bandmate?

Then again, Kyo had never been one to back out of doing something just because it wasn’t smart.

“_Can _you perform?” Kyo asked.

Die’s eyes narrowed as he lifted his head. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we’ve talked about you not being able to get around this realm easily, but you also said you came here because it felt like home, right?” Kyo said. “Not because you died here. Does that mean you _could_ go somewhere else?”

“I… haven’t spent much time trying,” Die said. His eyebrows were knit together in confusion and discomfort.

“Do you want to try?”

“Where are you going with all this?”

Kyo exhaled. “I’m in a band. We’ve been doing pretty well, getting gigs, going in a good direction—but we lost a band member.”

“That sucks,” Die said.

“He was a dick anyway, we’re not real heartbroken, but,” Kyo said, pausing to make sure he was remembering to breathe again, “we are in pretty desperate need of a guitarist.”

Die blinked at him, once, twice. “Are you—You want me to join… your band?”

“If that’s something you think you’d be interested in.”

“You remember the part where I’m—I’m _dead_, right? Deceased and all that?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Kyo said. “But if you’re physically able, and you _want_ to get out and play music again, I don’t see why you shouldn’t do it.” He sat up, leaned his elbows on his knees. “And I’ll be honest, and say it’s mostly me being selfish. We have a live coming up and we’re a guitarist short. My bandmates are on the verge of panicking. When I heard you playing the other night… I thought I was imagining things, that I wanted a guitarist so bad I was hearing one.” He let his eyes focus on Die’s hands. “But you’re… here. You’re _real_. And maybe you came to me for a reason.”

Die’s hands folded together, one thumb rubbing over the back of the other hand’s knuckles. “Do you really believe in that kind of thing?

Kyo made a face. “Not really. But I’d like to. And until recently I couldn’t say for sure that I believed in ghosts either.”

“And the others?” Die raised an eyebrow. “They’ll be okay with playing alongside someone dearly departed?”

“I mean, I haven’t told them that detail about you,” Kyo admitted, “But they’re pretty chill guys.”

“All right, ignoring for the time being what a ridiculous thing that is to say in this situation, what makes you think I’d actually be a good person to have in your band? I don’t even know what genre of music you play, and you’ve never seen how I am in a group.”

“Are you an asshole?”

“Well, no—”

“A bad musician?”

Die hesitated, like he wanted to be humble. “No, I can’t say that I am.”

“Then it’s fine,” Kyo said. “Anyway, it’s worth trying, right?”

“You…” Die shook his head, laughing.

“Me what?”

“You’re just… really different, from anyone I’ve ever met,” Die said.

“Hm.” Kyo nodded grimly. “I kind of get that a lot.”

“I wonder if they all mean it in the positive way that I do.”

“Doubtful.” Kyo tried to put aside the feeling that accompanied Die _praising_ him, like the air around him was buzzing again. It was hard though, to let go of it completely, when he was all too aware that many people who met him meant he was _different_ in the exact opposite way—thought that he was a freak or an outcast, couldn’t understand why he didn’t act the way they expected him to, and were unwilling to accept that that was just how he was.

How fitting, he thought, that the first person he’d met in years who seemed fine not trying to change him, who wanted to get to know him, was some (presumably) straight guy who’d been dead for years—about as unattainable as it gets.

“It’s late,” Kyo said as he grew more uneasy in the silence that had fallen between them.

“Is it?” Die craned his neck, looking around the living room for a clock.

“For me,” Kyo said. “I’m gonna take a bath and turn in.”

“Oh,” Die said. His eyebrows did a brief something, but Kyo didn’t really know him well enough to interpret it. “Have a good night, then.”

“You, too,” Kyo said, and he stood to head for the bathroom. 

That hadn't gone as badly as it could have, he thought as he gathered what he needed to take into the bathroom. He got his shirt off and tried to imagine the rest of the band's happy reactions when he told them he'd found someone. Only—had Die actually agreed to it? Kyo was halfway through unbuttoning his jeans when he came hurrying back out to the living room. “Hey!”

Die was still on the couch, holding a book Kyo recognized from his own shelf. He looked up in surprise, his eyes traveling down Kyo’s body to his unbuttoned pants, then snapping back up to his face. “Hey?”

“You never actually said for sure if you’re down with joining my band,” Kyo said. He half-absent-mindedly hooked his thumb in the waistband of his pants, his breath catching when he saw how the action pulled Die’s attention. He cleared his throat and Die looked at his face again. “So, what should I tell my bandmates?”

“Oh, I, um. I’d thought I made it clear. Yes,” Die said, looking oddly guilty. “It’s insane, because I’m a ghost and I know literally nothing about your band, but you—make me want to say yes.” His eyes widened, like his own words had shocked him, and he averted his eyes. “Yes, let’s tell your band you found a guitarist.”

Kyo grinned. “Great. We’re meeting the day after tomorrow, so I’ll tell them. But if you want, I can wait till the next rehearsal to bring you, so you have more time to prepare.”

“I’ll just be slowing your practice down if I really go in knowing nothing,” Die said.

“Right.” Kyo crossed to where he’d set down his bag near the genkan, uncaring how his jeans slid down his hips another few centimeters as he walked. He took out a binder from the largest zipped pouch and brought it back to Die. “This has stuff for most of the things we’ve been working on lately.” He opened the binder to show Die the couple of discs tucked into the inside pocket, along with chord charts and lyrics. “We’ve got some demos recorded there. I don’t know as much about the guitar parts as some of the other members, but they can advise you better when you meet with them.”

Die took the binder, looked at it very seriously, and gave a small bow. “Thank you.”

“Saturday’s okay for your first rehearsal?”

“I’ll try to free up my schedule,” Die said drily.

“If you can.” Kyo smiled. “All right. Cool.”

“Cool. Yoroshiku onegaishimasu.”

“Yoroshiku onegaishimasu,” Kyo repeated, bowing himself. Then he walked back out of the living room, leaving Die to peruse his music binder.

Kyo finished undressing in the bathroom, thinking about Die the whole time. He hadn’t missed the way that Die had been eyeing his body. That was interesting, and definitely something he wanted to spend some time investigating further. Between that and how embarrassed he’d looked after saying he wanted to join the band, Kyo was starting to suspect his ghostly guest might not be so straight after all.

It was a pointless discovery though, not worth dwelling on. Die being into dudes hardly changed the fact that he was not among the living and was thus unsuitable for Kyo to develop some kind of crush on.

It was hard not to, though.

At least there was still the chance that he’d hate working with him in the band, and it would effectively quell those feelings.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~love love love~

Kyo made the trek to rehearsal with a thrill of nervous energy thrumming through him. He’d been totally preoccupied all through his work shifts the past two days, his mind bouncing restlessly between thoughts of Die and the band. He was going to break the news to the gang, and though he’d assured Die they were chill, he was a little nervous about how they’d react to the revelation that the guitarist Kyo had recruited was a ghost.

He’d considered not mentioning it at all, but he didn’t foresee that working out in his favor. More likely, there would be some point where Die, having so endearingly little control over his corporeal form, would accidentally go right through something—or some_one_—and freak everyone the fuck out. It was better, Kyo thought, to give them some warning, let them know that it was a thing.

He just didn’t know how they’d take it.

Toshiya, he figured, would be fine with it. He’d expressed when they talked that he believed in ghosts, and not much seemed to unsettle him. Kaoru would be skeptical. And Shinya…

Kyo could see that going more than one way. On the one hand, Shinya was the most laid back of any of them, but he was also the one Kyo could imagine being uncomfortable. He would have to be careful about how he broached the subject.

Even outside the context of the band, Kyo hadn’t been able to keep Die off his mind. He knew he shouldn’t be thinking about him so much, and certainly not in the manner in which he was, but he felt a strange _connection_ to him, one that he hadn’t felt with anyone in so long, and it only made sense that it was something supernatural.

And maybe it was just him getting too excited because he’d always wanted to meet a ghost, and now it was like his very own personal spirit had fallen into his lap.

Or, he’d like him to fall into his lap.

Right, and that was exactly the kind of thinking he knew he should be doing less of. Die wasn’t interested in him—unless he was, since that was a definite possibility, given some of his reactions that Kyo had been cataloguing. But even if he was! They couldn’t have any kind of real relationship.

For one thing there was the mystery of where Die went when he wasn’t at the apartment. He’d been hanging around Kyo’s home just minding his own business (except when he borrowed books from Kyo’s shelf, but Kyo didn't mind that so much). But what about when he _wasn’t_ there? Did he spend his time in some afterworld—Heaven? Hell? Was Die actually some angel or demon, whiling away his evenings on earth for lack of something better to do?

Kyo didn’t really want to open that can of mental worms, as it included all kinds of questions about religion and god(s) that he didn’t have the energy to consider casually. Maybe Die didn’t have answers for those questions either; he could barely even keep track of time.

That was another reason that he couldn’t be seen as serious dating material. How could Kyo ever count on him to show up to dates and not disappear to some other realm? He couldn’t sleep beside him. And if he was corporeally challenged…

Kyo wondered how it would feel to have Die pass right through his body. He shivered at the thought.

He was about to cross the street when something small lying in the middle of the sidewalk stopped him. He bent to inspect it more closely.

It was a bird; a baby bird, by the looks of it, tiny enough that Kyo could have closed it up in one hand. It was also dead.

Kyo spent longer staring at it than he should have. It was so _small_, and so perfect. There was no visible damage or injury. Its wings were neatly folded, its minuscule legs tucked under it, its beady black eyes unblinking forevermore. It almost looked fake. He wanted to pick it up, see if it was just a prop, something stuffed and decorative. It was beautiful, and it was dead. Like Die.

Kyo left it where it was and crossed the street when the light changed.

He hadn’t even taken its picture, and part of him regretted that. At the same time he could imagine the conversations that such a photo would spark if he showed it to anyone, all the condescending looks and angled eyebrows, accompanying questions about Kyo’s “fascination with death,” comments that it was “a bit morbid, don’t you think?” He got enough of that shit in response to his lyrics, and wasn’t looking for more.

Kaoru was already there as Kyo entered the rehearsal space, and nodded in greeting before looking back down at the papers in his lap.

Kyo went to set down his things in the corner, then came to where he usually put his music stand, and stood looking at himself in the wall of the room that was all mirrors. He didn’t have anything to put on a music stand, having left his binder at home, in case Die was around and wanted to work on things. It was likely that Kaoru would have something to say about that, but Kyo wasn’t really interested in his thoughts on the matter. 

“Kyo, you okay?” Kaoru’s voice got Kyo’s attention sometime later, and he realized he’d been staring into the mirror without moving the entire time.

He was lost in thought, wondering if Die’s reflection showed in a mirror, or if ghosts were like vampires. Could he photograph him? At the very least, he could sketch a drawing of him, if he couldn’t record him another way. But he’d have to do some research.

“I’m fine,” Kyo said. “Just thinking.”

“Toshiya’s running late,” Kaoru said. “He said to start without him.”

Kyo hadn’t even noticed Shinya coming in, but he realized now that he was already there, and already set-up. “Oh,” he said. He’d wanted to talk to the whole band, let them know the update about Die, but he couldn’t say the whole thing, only to have to go through it again once Toshiya showed up. “What should we work on then?”

“I thought we could tighten up ‘Prisoner’ somewhat,” Kaoru said. “The intro especially could use some work.”

Kyo agreed, and they jumped into rehearsal with his nerves still wrenching inside him. When Toshiya arrived, he was frantic to just join in, not wanting to lose any time, and Kyo found himself close to panic, when an hour in he still hadn’t gotten to spill the secret threatening to rip its way out of him.

Finally Kaoru called for a break, but before he could duck outside with his cigarettes, Kyo gave a deliberate cough, loud enough to get everyone’s attention on him.

“What’s up?” Kaoru asked, and his voice was so _close_ to that _One_, the one that came with soft eyes, with “_Maybe you should just calm down,_” that Kyo’s jaw tightened in response, and he fought down the urge to snap something back at him.

“I told you I’d find out about that potential guitarist by today,” Kyo said.

“…And?” Toshiya said eagerly.

“I talked to him the other night,” Kyo said. He looked around at them all, their wide-eyed but patient expressions. “He said he’d be willing to try it out.”

“Really!” Toshiya looked ready to jump on Kyo and hug him, but luckily he knew better.

Kaoru pursed his lips. “I told you, we don’t _really need_ another—”

“Oh, shut up, Kao, this is great news!” Toshiya said.

“Am I not enough for you people?” Kaoru muttered.

Toshiya ignored him. “This is the guy from your building, right?”

“You didn’t bring him today?” Shinya asked.

“Yes, but no, we thought he could be more productive if he had some time to prepare,” Kyo said. “He’ll come Saturday.”

Toshiya nodded emphatically. “I can help him out with any of the guitar parts—do you have his phone number?”

Kyo grimaced. He hadn’t expected his lead-in to come so soon. “I don’t… think he has a phone.”

The room went quiet.

“He doesn’t have a cell phone?” Shinya said slowly.

“He… doesn’t have a phone at all,” Kyo said.

Another silence.

“What kind of person doesn’t have a _phone_?” Kaoru said.

“It’s okay though,” Kyo hurried to say. “I can get in touch with him really easily. He’s kind of always around.”

“Are you sure he didn’t just _tell_ you he doesn’t have a phone?” Toshiya said, but it was a half-step off from the voice he usually joked around in.

“We didn’t really talk about it,” Kyo admitted. “But I don’t think it’s a problem. The important part is that he’s a great guitarist.”

“How long has he been playing?” Shinya asked, clearly trying to be supportive.

“He said his whole—a long while,” Kyo said, and swallowed.

“Give us more info, what’s his name, where’s he from? He’s around our age?” Toshiya was being supportive too, in his more impatient way.

“His name is Die, he’s… local, I guess,” Kyo said. Was he the same age as them? That was a little bit trickier. He looked like he was around their age, but Kyo still wasn’t sure how long he’d been dead. Did that factor into his age? Should he count it by the year Die was born or by how long he’d been alive? “I think he’s close to the same age as us.” His clothing didn’t look old-fashioned or anything, after all.

“There’s something you’re not telling us,” Kaoru said calmly.

Kyo nodded. “There’s something about him that. Is unusual. I felt like I should mention it before you meet him, but I don’t want it to bias you against him somehow.”

“Why would it do that?” Toshiya asked. “He’s not a good guy?”

“He is, as far as I know,” Kyo said. “Or, he was.”

“Was,” Shinya repeated warily.

Kyo took a deep breath. “Right, so the thing about Die is that he’s dead, which _sounds_ like a big problem at first, but I really don’t want you guys to worry about it too much.”

“Kyo…”

“I mean, there is the issue where he seems to struggle with time and space a little bit, so he could be kind of unreliable,” Kyo said, determined to keep talking in spite of the looks he was receiving from his bandmates. “But that’s not the biggest deal in the grand scheme of things, right? The upcoming gig is the main thing to worry about, and I'm _pretty_ sure we could get him to show up for that. I think you'll like him—As soon as I heard him play, I thought he could be the guitarist we’re missing.”

Toshiya held up a hand. “Back up.”

Kyo barreled on, “He’s nice, and funny, and really available, because he’s living in my apartment—well, no, not _living_, but um, chilling. Haunting? Anyway—”

Kaoru’s hand was suddenly firm on Kyo’s shoulder, and he clamped his mouth shut.

“You’re telling us that the new guitarist you recruited for the band,” Kaoru said, “is dead?”

Kyo swallowed, and nodded.

“Are we talking, like, a zombie?” Toshiya said.

“Not a zombie,” Kyo said. “More like a ghost.”

“Walking through walls and shit?”

“He could, I think,” Kyo said. “Mostly he just hangs around playing his guitar and watching variety shows on my TV.”

“Kyo,” Kaoru said soberly, “You must realize how this sounds.”

“I do,” Kyo said. “But when have I ever lied to you guys? I mean, about something important?”

Kaoru paused, then said, “I don’t suppose you have any proof?”

Kyo frowned. He should have anticipated that that would be something they’d want. But he didn’t know what he could have brought. He related the story of Die putting his hand through the couch.

“He just stuck his hand right through it?” Toshiya said, impressed. “That’s badass.” Kyo knew he’d be the easiest to get onboard.

“How did he die?” Kaoru said. He was still suspicious. “Is he a malevolent spirit? How come he’s in your apartment, but only appearing to you now, years after you moved in?”

Kyo had expected Kaoru’s skepticism as well. He answered honestly, “I don’t know the details of his death. It seems like too personal a question. I’m not sure why he’s appearing now, but he doesn’t seem malevolent at all. Really, I kind of like him.”

Kaoru raised an eyebrow. “You _like_ the ghost haunting your apartment?”

Kyo was starting to get annoyed by everyone repeating the things he said like they were crazy. “Yes, I like him,” he said. “We get along well, or I never would have invited him to join the band.”

“Well, I think it’s great,” Shinya said.

Kyo waited for him to say more. He’d been perhaps most nervous about Shinya’s reaction. He respected and trusted Shinya more than just about anyone, and he knew that he didn’t always go for creepy stuff; maybe asking him to welcome a spirit into his group was taking it too far. 

“I know how rare a thing it is for you to like people,” Shinya elaborated. “If you think this guy is going to fit in with us and you want to work with him, I am more than willing to give him a shot, too.”

“Yeah, same here,” Toshiya said. “Plus, I’ve never met a ghost before, so I’m kind of stoked to see what he’s like.”

“You might be disappointed,” Kyo said. “He’s really not all that different from anyone else.”

“He must be something special if he’s got _your_ seal of approval,” Shinya pointed out. “You’re about as picky as they come.”

Kyo turned to Kaoru then. He needed everyone to verbally accept Die before he could actually bring him there, but Kaoru was still just standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, his lips pursed. Kyo knew from experience it could take him a long while to come around to someone else’s idea, even when it didn’t involve supernatural elements.

After an excruciating pause, Kaoru exhaled. “There’s no harm in trying him out.”

Kyo felt that a whole piano’s worth of weight had been lifted off his chest. “I don’t think you’ll regret it.”

“He really doesn’t have a phone though?” Toshiya said. “That sucks.”

“I’m sure I can easily pass along any messages,” Kyo said.

“I guess so…”

Toshiya was clearly already imagining Die as part of their lives, and Kyo was relieved. Kaoru went out to smoke while Toshiya went on a bit about the guitar parts, giving advice for Die that Kyo knew he’d never remember enough to pass along. Maybe he really did need a phone.

Shinya was still being especially quiet, and while that wasn’t out of character for him, Kyo couldn’t help but worry that he wasn’t quite as fine with the situation as he’d claimed to be.

Still, Kyo reasoned that it was harder for any of them to fully understand and accept Die before they’d even had the chance to meet him. Saturday’s rehearsal would change things; they’d all see how right Die was for the band, then.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't get a chance to update yesterday but here is another chapter! Hmm! <3

Kyo leaned his chin on his hand, his eyes half-lidded as he stared across the empty front hall of the art museum. 

No one had come in in the past half hour. It was a dreadfully slow day, and usually that would have made Kyo restless, but as it was, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with people anyway, and found himself somewhat grateful for the quiet.

He’d been brooding the entire shift thus far.

He couldn’t shake the thought that he was really out of his mind for thinking he could rope Die into joining the band. He wasn’t some student of dark magic at a seance; how could he claim to have influence over the dead?

Die didn’t answer to him.

No, Die was his own being with his own rituals, and Kyo couldn’t count on him to be there when he wanted him. Or when he _hoped_ he’d be there.

Die had been conspicuously absent when Kyo had arrived home from rehearsal the night before, and while he knew it shouldn’t bother him, it still did. In such a short time, he’d grown accustomed to Die’s presence, taken comfort in it, and having him vanish without notice felt oddly personal, like he’d left because of something Kyo had done.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been as bad if he’d been there in the morning, but no, Kyo had woken to find his apartment once more still and silent. No soft guitar music lingering in the air.

Kyo doubted. He doubted his own mind. He’d spent all that energy reassuring his bandmates that Die was real, that he’d be a good addition to the group, and now he was ready to claw his own brain open to check for loose wires, something that could explain his invention of a beautiful ghost haunting his home with enchanting music.

The issue was (at least partly) that Kyo wasn’t so much a person of strong faith. He believed in what he could see and touch and feel. He believed in _himself_, the only thing he was sure he could trust. This entire experience had called that trust into question, made him wonder if it was wisely placed.

He’d just started to trust Die, too, and surely that was an indication of a short somewhere in his mental connectivity, given that he’d only met Die a couple days ago and knew nothing about him. And now he was gone. Had he just up and left? Had Kyo driven him away? Had he ever really been there?

A small family came into the museum then, boots scraping on the mat as they left umbrellas on the rack by the door. Kyo hadn’t even realized it was raining.

The family—mother and two boys who couldn’t yet be out of elementary school—approached the counter, brushing damp hair out of their faces.

Kyo greeted them and asked politely whether they’d been there before. He wasn’t good at using his customer service voice, but he could be polite.

The mother shook her head. “First time,” she said. “My husband—he used to come here often, talked about how much he enjoyed the atmosphere, so we wanted to come see it, too.”

Kyo pushed a small map of the museum across the counter towards her. “This floor is our general exhibit." He pointed to the map. “The third floor is currently displaying the work of architect Masakawa Teruyoshi, including a number of models that might be interesting to you. The second floor houses our amateur gallery as well as our seasonal exhibit; right now it’s a series exploring the theme of ‘Beyond.’” All are open until the museum closes at four pm today, and there’s a workshop on ‘Sculpture in Modern Society’ starting at two o’clock, if you’d like to attend. Admission is free, but we ask that you RSVP so we have an idea of what size group to expect.” The spiel was automatic, came pouring out of Kyo like he was a faucet, and if he wasn’t so used to it, he’d have covered his own mouth with his hands just to stop the flow of words.

The woman smiled. “Thank you for being so helpful,” she said. “We won’t have time for the workshop today, but maybe we’ll come back another time. You have workshops regularly?”

“Wednesdays and Fridays,” Kyo said. He fished a flyer with the season’s scheduled workshops printed at the bottom out of a drawer of his desk. “On a variety of topics. Come back for one that appeals to you. Bring your husband.” He attempted a grin, but she didn’t respond in kind, merely smiling back sadly.

“Dad’s not gonna come back here,” the younger of the two boys said, and his mother put a hand on his shoulder to quiet him.

“Thank you again. You’ve really been lovely.” She took the papers Kyo had offered her, folded them, and tucked them into her purse—black to match the rest of her outfit.

“If you need help or have any questions, feel free to ask me, or another staff member,” Kyo said, and he watched them walk away, the mother clutching one of each of the children’s hands, a bit tightly, Kyo thought, for their age.

They didn’t return to ask anything of Kyo, but he found himself thinking about them nonetheless. They were a welcome distraction from whatever else his brain was feeding him. He wondered about the father; if he’d come in often, had Kyo seen him? Would he dimly recognize him if he saw him again? He hoped the boys were enjoying the models on the architecture floor.

It was just before two when they came back through on their way out. The mother nodded to Kyo at his desk, and Kyo caught a snippet of their conversation—something about flowers—as they reclaimed their umbrellas and went out into the grey afternoon.

It wasn’t until they were gone that Kyo fully put the facts together, and then he felt very stupid indeed for what he’d said to them about bringing the husband when they came to a workshop. He wondered whether the children’s father was a ghost, too, if Kyo would be able to see him, should he feel like visiting the museum that he’d enjoyed during his life. Maybe he could come back and meet up with his family sometime, too.

Or were there rules against that? Die had never spoken much about friends or family that he’d held dear, never mentioned dropping in on any of them for a visit. Perhaps such things were frowned upon.

The remainder of the day passed gloomily, somewhere between quickly and dragging. Kyo didn’t let himself speculate about any of the other museum guests’ lives, as it led him down a dangerous rabbit hole, and he ought to have learned by now to avoid thoughts like that.

Kyo’s mood hadn’t exactly picked up by the time he got home. He was feeling surly and abandoned, and was ready to throw himself a proper pity party, most likely involving large quantities of chocolate and a long soak in the bath, but all of that was interrupted when he came into his apartment and found Die standing there like he was waiting for him.

“You’re here,” Kyo said. He felt kind of silly having been so dramatic about him being gone for a single day, but when he hadn’t expected him to be gone at all, it had felt so much longer.

“How did it go?” Die asked, looking earnest.

“How did what go?”

“Rehearsal!”

Kyo frowned. “I didn’t have rehearsal today. I’m just getting home from work.”

“You didn’t—” Now Die was frowning, too. “I thought you were going to tell the rest of the band about me.”

“That was yesterday!” Kyo said irritably.

“It was?” Die wilted. He looked terribly, honestly confused, and somehow that only frustrated Kyo more.

“Of course it was! I swear, if you can’t keep track of time—”

“I’m—I’m sorry,” Die said, backing up a few steps, right through the sofa. “I told you, it’s difficult for me—”

“Maybe asking you to join the band was a bad idea,” Kyo said. “You’re obviously unreliable, and we can’t have someone flaking out on gigs, coming and going just when he feels like it—”

“I won’t—I don’t _mean_ to—”

“If you’ve got more important things to do, I don’t see why you bother hanging around here at all!” Kyo had backed Die up all the way across the small apartment, so he was now almost cowering against the living room wall, looking paler than Kyo had ever seen him.

“You invited me!” Die said, in a small, miserable voice, and guilt shot through Kyo like lightning. “It wasn’t my idea to join your band, and I offered to leave your apartment. I _told_ you, the concept of time—after—it’s not as _linear_ as it was, and I don’t always know… I’m _sorry_. What did I miss?”

Kyo looked away from him. He hadn’t meant to yell, to take his feelings out on Die. He knew it wasn’t really his fault, and being dead he’d probably suffered enough, and didn’t need someone chewing him out for simply existing in the way that he did.

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” Kyo said. “You didn’t miss anything important, I just… Sometimes it feels like you’re not… I don’t have proof that you’re _real_. And it feels like I’m losing my mind.” He looked nervously at Die’s face. The words felt cruel. “It’s hard to know when you’re coming back—_if_ you’re coming back. You might just be a dream. You’re never here when you wake up.”

“I’m not?” The strain was visible in Die’s face, like he was trying to reach something that wasn’t there.

“No, you never are,” Kyo said. Much as he wanted to still be angry and frustrated, he couldn’t go on trying to blame Die. He sighed, leaned his hip against the arm of the couch. “Where do you go?”

“I didn’t know,” Die said. “I really had no idea that I was… Or that you were expecting me to be somewhere. When I’m not here…” He hesitated. “I think I said before, it’s hard to explain. It’s not like a _place_. The other realm, it’s outside physical space, outside time, it’s more like a… consciousness. That I’m part of.”

Kyo had watched enough sci-fi movies to understand the vibe that Die was describing. “Like some kind of collective hive mind thing?”

“I’m not… _aware_ that there’s anyone else there,” Die said. “Or anyone’s thoughts but my own. But sometimes knowledge is, I guess, _imparted_ to me.”

Kyo tilted his head as an indication for Die to elaborate.

“It’s not like some Shinigami took me by the hand and laid out the rules of the afterlife to me,” Die said. “But there are things that I know, that I inherently understand, from my time spent in the other realm.” His face was slowly starting to regain color and opacity. He put his hands in his pockets and shook his head. “But it’s not like _time_ spent here. I don’t even realize I’m not here anymore. It might be like I close my eyes here, and then I’m formless, between existing and not—and when I think I’ve just blinked—”

“It’s the next day,” Kyo finished for him.

Die nodded grimly. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be,” Kyo said. “But that could be a real problem, if you end up blinking yourself out of existence the day we have a live or something.” He let himself slump onto the couch, and looked up at the ceiling. “Is there some way to call you back?”

There was a pause before Die said, “I don’t know. I’ve never had anyone try.”

Another wave of guilt crested over Kyo. How was it that _he_ was the one asking these questions, trying to find a way to call Die back, call him _home_. He, who was _no one_ to Die, who knew him purely by chance, who was in a way just interested in _using _Die to fill a role in his band. Wasn’t that wrong? Shouldn’t it have been Die’s family, friends, lover(s) who had that chance?

If that was even allowed. Kyo thought again of the family at the museum and wondered whether the sci-fi landscape had mentioned anything in the proverbial handbook about visiting loved ones who were still living. He opened his mouth to ask, but stopped himself. For all he knew, Die’s family and friends were long gone, depending on when exactly he’d died. Or he didn’t _want_ to see them. Families could be a touchy enough subject without the extra layers of complication.

But if they _had_ passed on, were they able to reunite in the other realm? Did they join one another’s formless consciousness; were they able to feel one another’s presence?

Even if it wasn’t the kind of reunion people got in the movies, Kyo found the notion comforting.

“You’re not crazy,” Die said, and Kyo looked up at him. “I realize that might not mean a whole lot coming from me. But I want to…” He chewed at his lip, and then crossed to the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Kyo asked. He turned on the couch to watch the look of concentration on Die’s face as he ripped a small page off the magnetic memo pad on the refrigerator, and snatched up a pen from the counter. 

Coming back around the couch, Die knelt at the end table and scribbled something on the note before passing it to Kyo.

“Here,” he said. His hand brushed Kyo’s—solid and tangible, cold but burning, sparking like electricity—and was gone just as fast. “If you ever need evidence, just for yourself, that you’re not losing your mind.”

Kyo read the note, which stated simply, “_I’m real. —Die_” It made him want to laugh, but at the same time, he did truly appreciate it.

“What, I’m supposed to keep this on me at all times?” he said with a wry smile.

“Hey, what you do with it is up to you,” Die said. “I don’t have much to offer, but I… don’t want you to feel worse, because of me.” He fidgeted with the pen for a few seconds, then it slipped quite literally _through _his fingers, and clattered to the floor. He looked down at it with a furrowed brow, but rather than try to pick it up he just moved to sit on the other end of the couch. The cushions didn’t shift as he sat down. “I will try to do better. To keep my concentration.”

“I can’t ask for more than that.” Kyo slipped the sticky note into his pocket, and looked over at Die. “If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out.”

“I… Yes. I would like it to work out, though,” Die said quietly. Then, even more quietly, “So… what did they say?”

“What they?”

“Your rehearsal yesterday,” Die said. “Did you get to mention me to your bandmates?”

“I did,” Kyo said.

“And?”

“They responded… positively,” Kyo said. “Maybe even moreso than I had expected. They trust my judgment, or at least they claim to. We’ll see what they really think tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.” Die looked around the room. “That’s Saturday?”

Kyo nodded. “I work in the morning, but the museum closes at one o’clock on Saturdays, so I’ll be home early.”

A smile crossed Die’s face for the first time all day. “The museum? You work at a museum?”

“Oh, um, yeah,” Kyo said, feeling embarrassed. He didn’t generally like to call attention to his day job, since he just saw it as something to pay the bills, not something his heart was in.

“What kind of museum is it?” Die asked. “One I’ve been to?”

“I doubt it,” Kyo said. “It just a little modern art museum—almost more of a gallery.”

“That sounds really cool,” Die said, his smile growing wider. “Do you think I could come check it out sometime? If it wouldn’t bother you for me to show up at your work.”

“I don’t care what you do.”

Die snorted. “Not sure how to take that.”

_Well, it’s obviously not true, anyway,_ Kyo thought. Instead of saying it, he changed the subject. “Have you had a chance to listen to the demos from my folder?”

“Oh, yeah!” Die sat up straighter, and his face changed. “But none of them had any vocals…”

“That’s ‘cause it’s mine,” Kyo said. “To work with, add vocals to.”

“Oh,” Die said, and shifted his weightlessness on the couch. “I didn’t realize you were the vocalist.”

Kyo blinked a few times. “I never mentioned it?”

“You’ve really told me very little about yourself.” Die studied him for a moment. “I think I should have guessed it anyway. Nothing else seems to fit.”

“I did try to learn the bass once,” Kyo said, “for about five minutes.”

Die laughed. “How’d that work out for you?”

“Well,” Kyo said, squinting one eye, “I’m the band’s vocalist now.”

“But the douche who left was a guitarist?”

“He was the bassist,” Kyo said. “But Toshiya took over bass—and he’s much better, honestly.”

“And you have _another_ guitarist?”

“Kaoru,” Kyo confirmed. “He’s leader. He can be tough to get a good reading on, can seem cold at first, but he’s more like family to me than my own folks.”

“I can’t wait to meet them all,” Die said. “It’s been a while since I really _met_ many people.”

That reminded Kyo of another thing he wanted to ask, but if he was going to do that he wanted to be multitasking.

He stood up abruptly from the couch. “Come on.”

“Come on?” Die’s forehead creased with worry. “I didn’t mean we had to meet them _now_. I can wait until tomorrow.”

“I know, but I think it’s time we did a trial run of at least getting you out of the apartment.”

“Oh, that.” Die got reluctantly to his feet.

“We’ll just go for a little outing,” Kyo said. “Since you were saying before that you weren’t able to move around this realm freely, right?”

“Right, well…” Die glanced off to the side. “It’s different with someone—a living person. I can… more or less _hitchhike_, tag along with you, even to places I wouldn’t be able to reach alone. That sounds creepy, I’m sorry.”

“Nah, I’m flattered,” Kyo said. “Of all the people you could tag along with, I probably won’t take you to the most exciting places, but at least I can get you out for some fresh air.”

Die gave him a dubious look but followed him to the front door, patiently waiting while he put on his shoes.

They’d barely taken a few steps out of the building’s elevator when Die froze, and Kyo had to stop, looking back at him over his shoulder.

“What’s the matter?” Kyo looked down at his feet and back up. “Is it—What, already outside your boundaries for free movement, some kind of barrier? Are you stuck?”

Die’s voice came out small and miserable. “It’s raining.”

“Uh.” Kyo looked up at the drizzling sky. “Yeah, you’re not wrong.”

Still, Die didn’t move, his face all screwed up as he held his ground.

Kyo started to worry. Could ghosts not go in the rain? Maybe it would destabilize his structural integrity, make him melt like a witch. Or maybe he’d died in the rain and was traumatized by what, to Kyo, was a simple act of nature.

“Do… we need to wait to go out until it stops raining?” he asked, trying to keep his tone gentle.

“It’s just… my hair really hates the rain,” Die said solemnly.

Kyo stared at him.

Now to be fair, Die did have one of the most majestic manes Kyo had ever seen, red tresses cascading down to his shoulder blades in elegant waves—but he couldn’t actually let his good looks keep him trapped inside on a rainy day.

“Die, okay,” Kyo said, turning to face him. “I don’t know how to put this delicately, but… you’re dead. And a few raindrops dampening your ‘do hardly seems worth bitching about at this point, you know? If that’s the kind of anxiety we have to deal with once we kick the bucket, maybe it’s not quite the eternal rest it’s cracked up to be.”

Die stayed still, a vague translucency seeping out from his core.

“Look at that,” Kyo said, gesturing to Die, but mindful not to touch him, despite how he wanted to, how he was beyond intrigued by the unique sensation that had left his fingertips itching before; he didn’t think Die needed to be physically crowded in this moment. “You’re not even fully solid right now,” he pointed out. “The raindrops will go right through you, never touch your hair. Let’s go, okay?” He resisted the urge to reach for Die’s hand so he could tug him along, and instead just nodded towards the sidewalk and hoped that Die would follow him.

It took a few second but soon Kyo felt the vibrations of the air beside him that he’d come to associate with Die’s presence. He couldn’t hear him, his footsteps in the puddles, but he could feel him.

They walked to the end of the block in silence, Kyo wanting to let Die get accustomed to it if he really hadn’t gotten out in a while. The rain was mild, and Kyo didn’t have much concern for how it fell on him, but he was trying to have some consideration for Die’s discomfort.

“How are we doing?” he asked finally, as they crossed the street.

“Fine,” Die mumbled. “I can’t feel the rain.”

Kyo cocked his head to look at Die. “Is that a good thing?”

“I don’t know,” Die said. “It’s strange. Not something I’d taken into account.”

“Is that—Can you not feel anything?” Kyo wondered aloud, before he could think better of it. He thought again of Die’s hand brushing his, the electricity he’d thought was shared. “No sensation?”

“I can feel,” Die said. “Physical sensation, it requires some. Concentration.” His pale cheeks colored a bit.

Kyo was sure he was blushing himself. He needed to get his mind out of the gutter, away from the physical sensations he’d like to get Die to concentrate on. A million questions and purely scientific experimental scenarios were flooding his thoughts, and he gave his head a little shake. “There was something I wanted to ask you.”

“Hm?”

“Do you see other dead people?” Kyo looked down at the ground ahead of them, wet pavement reflecting the lights of the city. “Ghosts, or spirits, here, in the other realm?”

There was a pause long enough that Kyo thought Die wasn’t going to answer, then he said, “There’s no one in the other realm. Not even me. Here… I don’t see much of anyone and they don’t see me. I see you.”

Kyo chanced a glance up at Die, found him looking back fixedly.

“Like there’s an outline around you,” Die said. “You’re clear when no one else really is.”

Kyo swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable with the intimacy of Die’s words. He was starting to wonder if he was taking advantage of Die, since he was the default easiest person for Die to access as the current resident of his old apartment.

“Sounds very lonely,” Kyo said.

“Not that I ever noticed,” Die said. “I suppose it must be, but by now it just feels like the way things are.” He turned his face up to the sky, and Kyo watched as the rain fell past him, never landing on his flawless skin. Die kept his eyes open, staring down the drops as they fell. “Where are we going?” Die’s voice was soft, almost lost under the pitter-patter of the rain.

Kyo reoriented himself, found they were still walking in a pretty much random direction. He did a quick mental rundown of all the places they could reach if they continued on this way. “To the park,” he said, after some consideration. “You must have been there before.”

“The one with the fountain?”

“Unn. Not likely to be very crowded in this weather. So you don’t have to feel the pressure of people around you while you’re… experiencing the world.”

Die made a small noise, indignation and amusement both at once. “I’ve experienced the world, you know.”

“It never hurts to get a little more experience.”

Kyo was relieved to see a smile back on Die’s face, even as tentative as it was. He jammed his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket to keep himself from reaching for Die again, and told himself he was content to be there with him as he reacquainted himself with this realm.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi hi, my apologies for the late update, I have been so ridiculously busy and just had no time or energy at all to post. And now I have company staying for a few days, so the next chapter will be late, too, but I'll try to get back on schedule by the end of next week.  
If it helps, this chapter is a little bit longer than they've been lately (but also a little angsty look ouuuut~)  
Thanks again for reading and your comments! You don't know how happy it makes me to read them xoxo

The rain had cleared up by Saturday, and much as Kyo didn’t mind a little drizzle, he was relieved, as he made his trek home from the museum, that the weather had settled down. He was thankful for anything that might make the day run smoother.

It wasn’t exactly that he was worried about how the rehearsal was going to go. After his trial run getting Die out and about, he was confident enough that they could make it to the rehearsal space without incident, and he didn’t doubt anyone’s musical ability; honestly he did think Die would be a comfortable addition to their band and dynamic.

But that still left plenty to worry about. What if Toshiya got a little overzealous in his enthusiasm for working with a ghost and said something that offended Die? What if Kaoru was stuck so deep in his stubbornness and pride that he rejected Die just because he didn’t want to _need_ him? And then there was the mystery that was Shinya; strong though his social skills were, it was still hard to say how he would feel about working with someone like Die. The inherent creepiness of it could be too much for him.

Kyo tried to leave his own feelings out of it. There was nothing serious to consider on his end, although he was curious how it would be getting onstage with someone who made him feel so… He’d never tried to establish a working relationship with someone to whom he was so _attracted_.

Because that fact was becoming harder to ignore. Kyo was no fool. He knew that part of the reason he’d overreacted and yelled at Die the day before was that he’d developed some kind of _crush_ on the ghost. That had to have been a new low for him.

He also wasn’t so much in denial that he didn’t know that was part of why he’d wanted Die in the band. Yes, they were desperate for a guitarist, but the logistics surrounding him being dead and everything hadn’t deterred Kyo in the way that they probably would have, had he not wanted the excuse to keep Die around.

And he couldn’t forget how he’d sometimes caught Die looking at him. Not just with interest, but like Kyo was _worth_ something, like he was the only man in the world. He supposed for Die, in a way, he was. That would change with the rest of the band, and he definitely did _not_ have the right to feel jealous because of that, but he could at least admit to feeling conflicted.

None of these more social concerns would make much difference at all, though, if Die didn’t stay grounded in this realm enough for the rehearsal.

That was probably what Kyo was most nervous about, that Die wouldn’t be there when he got home, wouldn’t reappear in time for practice, and Kyo would have to show up empty-handed. He could imagine the looks he’d receive from the rest of the band as he tried to explain, _no, really, I did recruit a ghost guitarist, he just got stuck in his sci-fi collective consciousness realm and lost track of time!_

With a sigh, Kyo reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out the note from Die. He ran his thumb over the “ie” in Die’s name, where the ink had run from going out in Kyo’s pocket in the rain. It was real, though, solid in his hand, and the script was nothing like his own, _couldn’t_ be his own invention. Die was real, and Kyo wasn’t imagining him.

Even just saying it in his head was surprisingly comforting.

With his attention on the note in his hand, Kyo hardly noticed where he was going, and very nearly tripped over a little wooden plaque that was lying facedown on the sidewalk. He stopped in front of it, looking down and then around. He quickly found where it had come from: a little display on the corner with flowers and written prayers, a memorial for a child who had been killed in a traffic accident there.

Kyo slid the note back into his pocket before crouching to pick up the fallen plaque. He returned it to its rightful place, and knelt respectfully at the shrine for a moment before getting up and continuing on his way.

It seemed that death was following him everywhere lately. Ever since he’d first met Die, there had been omens of death around every corner. Was someone trying to send him a message? Or was he just noticing these things more because meeting Die had brought the topic to the forefront of his mind?

It wasn’t like he’d never done way too much thinking about death in the past, but it was different this time. A lot of things were different.

He reached his building and rode up to his floor, trying to regulate his breathing and prepare for either possibility: Die would be there or he wouldn’t. Kyo could figure out how to deal with either situation, so there was no need for panic.

He’d barely gotten the door open when Die was suddenly in his face, eyes wide and hopeful. “It’s still Saturday, right?!”

Kyo stared at him for a second, then chuckled. “Yeah, it’s Saturday.”

Die punched the air. “_Yes. _I didn’t fuck it up!”

“Well done,” Kyo said, bending to untie his shoes.

“Oh, um, okaeri,” Die said then, with a sheepish smile.

“Sure, right, tadaima,” Kyo said.

“I’ve been working on guitar parts all morning.” Die wandered from the genkan over to where his guitar was lying on the couch. “I’m getting more comfortable with it, but I’m looking forward to hearing what the actual songs sound like. Even the ones with demos recorded aren’t full versions…”

“No, I know. We’ll go over it all today.” 

Kyo watched as Die picked up the guitar and sat with it on his lap. It was an electric, not the one he’d seen him playing before. He wondered if anyone else could play that guitar or if it would turn to mere atmosphere in their hands. Was it just an extension of Die himself? How could he set it down?

Die frowned at Kyo’s facial expression. “What?” He followed his gaze to his guitar and tilted his head to the side. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kyo said. “That’s just not the guitar I saw you with last time.”

“No, that was my acoustic.”

Kyo pursed his lips. “I’m just trying to wrap my head around how you have different guitars.”

“Well, I guess… they’re not _real_,” Die said. “I mean, in the same way that I’m not.” He wiggled his fingers, showing off their transparency. “Just energy.”

“But you left it across the room,” Kyo pointed out.

“I’m energy, I just said.” Die raised an eyebrow. “I’m not human. I can exist everywhere at once.”

“Right, ‘cause that’s not creepy at all.”

“Omnipresence!”

“That gonna be your new stage name?”

Die wrinkled his nose. “No way. By now I’m too attached to be anyone other than ‘Die’.”

Kyo nodded, feeling strangely pleased with that answer. He supposed he’d also grown attached. And in a shamefully short time. “Does that mean you can’t play a guitar that’s not energy?” he asked, bringing the subject back from a potentially intimate direction.

“I could,” Die said. “But this one’s more reliable. Sometimes I’m good at making physical contact with stuff and sometimes it’s hard. It takes a lot of effort to maintain one way or the other.”

Kyo wanted to ask how that would work when it came time to plug him into a sound system, but he figured that might be a bridge to cross when it was reached.

“So, how long until we leave?” Die said, and Kyo realized he was excited, practically _bouncing_.

That was fair. It had been a while for him, but Kyo hadn’t known he was looking forward to it so much. It helped relieve some of his guilt over taking advantage of Die.

“Maybe in an hour.” Kyo pointed at a clock on the kitchen wall, easily visible from Die’s position. “And if you need reminding, that’s when the minute hand has gone all the way around the clock one time.”

“Shut the fuck up, I know what an hour is,” Die said, laughing.

“Just making sure,” Kyo said. “I’m gonna eat something—you’re sure you can’t have anything?”

“I don’t need food,” Die said. “And digestion is… more trouble than it’s worth, honestly. Don’t worry about me.”

“I just feel awkward eating and not offering you anything.”

Die shrugged. “You’ll have to live with the awkwardness, I guess.”

Nevertheless, Die hung out with Kyo while he fixed himself a humble lunch of tamago kake gohan and sat down to eat it.

He grinned when he saw Kyo’s food. “So Japanese.”

“What?” Kyo looked down at his bowl. “So I am, what’s your point?”

Die shook his head, still grinning. “It’s nice. Familiar. I used to love eating that, too.”

Kyo paused guiltily. His impulse reaction was to make some snarky joke about Die trying to get his lunch, or else to say something reassuring, like _Maybe someday you can have it again!_ But he couldn’t. There was no “maybe someday” for Die. His life was over and this time spent with Kyo had to be just a constant, painful reminder of that fact. Was it better though than the isolation of being dead, alone?

Somehow it didn’t seem to bother Die that Kyo was sitting there eating in front of him. He kept up a peaceful and friendly conversation as Kyo ate, talking about how he’d gotten involved in music back during his life.

“For a while, you know, I was really into Kendo,” Die was saying as Kyo moved to put his empty bowl in the sink. “That was my _thing_, what I put all my energy into.”

“Yeah?” Kyo raised an eyebrow. He’d never been overly involved in extracurriculars when he’d been in school. And he’d only been in school for a short time. He’d dropped out to be a roadie for a local rock band, and had only managed to get the job he had at the museum through a friend of an old art teacher of his.

“I guess I didn’t have delusions that I’d make a career out of it,” Die said. “But still it was only after that that I started taking the guitar really seriously.”

“Ah, naturally, because guitar’s much more feasible as a career path.”

“It worked out for me. For the most part.”

Kyo stepped around Die so he could go to the bathroom and stand at the sink. “I’m still listening,” he informed him as he shoved his toothbrush in his mouth.

“I don’t know if there was a lot left in the story.”

Kyo could see Die reflected behind him, in the mirror. Not like a vampire then. He spit in the sink, and when he flicked his eyes back up to the mirror, Die had changed—his eyes and cheeks dark and sunken, blood matting his hair—Kyo whipped around to stare at Die as he stood there, pale but charming as ever.

Die frowned. “You okay?”

Kyo struggled to get his breathing right. It had been a trick of the light, or his imagination running wild. He’d had death on the brain for too long and it was starting to take its toll on him.

“I’m fine, yeah,” he said, feeling a bit shaken still. “We should get going.”

Die nodded, but he still looked concerned.

Minutes later they were down at the street once more, walking in the direction of the underground station.

“Hope you don’t mind taking the train,” Kyo said. “How long has it been since you used good ol’ public transportation?”

“A while,” Die said, “but I don’t mind at all. I prefer it.”

“That’s lucky, I guess, ‘cause I don’t have a car,” Kyo said. “Living in the city I’ve just never needed one.”

“Mm.”

“Plus there are so many accidents these days,” Kyo said, thinking of the memorial he’d righted earlier that afternoon. “I’m not sure how safe it is.”

“True.”

Kyo slanted his eyes towards Die. He was being oddly quiet, and Kyo figured he must be nervous about the rehearsal, and about getting there, being squished up with so many people. As they reached the subway platform, Kyo looked around at them all, wondered if all of them could see Die, or if he was special somehow.

He hadn’t exactly thought of that before. He knew Die wasn’t used to being seen, but… that could be a problem, if they were gonna have performances.

As if in response to his thoughts, a pair of high school girls approached them and, to Kyo’s surprise, asked Die shyly about his guitar.

“Yes, it’s my electric,” Die said. “I’m on my way to band rehearsal right now.”

The girls were highly impressed, but didn’t say much else before dissolving into giggles and scurrying off.

Kyo had been pretending not to watch the interaction, in an effort to give Die some privacy, and so had set himself up in front of the map of the line they were taking.

“So what’s our stop?” Die said as he came back up beside him.

Kyo pointed to a station four stops away. “It comes up pretty quick after this main hub.” He slid his finger back one stop. “That’s where we’d transfer if we were going to my museum.”

“Ah! Next time,” Die said.

“Sure,” Kyo replied noncommittally.

“I’m kinda surprised they let you work in a museum.”

Kyo raised his eyebrows. “What, I’m not respectable enough?”

“Not really.”

Kyo ran a hand through his hair. “Harsh. I’m not that bad. I have black hair every once in a while.”

“Yeah, but all those tattoos.” Die’s eyes were roaming over Kyo’s body, as if he could see all the designs currently hidden by his clothing.

“Most of them end up covered when I’m dressed for work,” Kyo said. He rubbed a hand self-consciously over his neck, where he knew the tattoos were harder to hide.

“I guess,” Die said. “I don’t know. Times have changed since I was alive.”

“That might be true.” Kyo nudged Die as their train pulled up and they walked briskly to board it. Luckily it was Saturday, and not the time of day when the most salarymen were making their commutes home. As it was, they got on the train with little difficulty, and without Die having to interact physically with anyone else.

It was a short ride and they were almost to their stop when Kyo felt a little spark of static, and then Die was right there whispering in his ear.

“D’you see that guy’s shirt?”

Kyo’s eyes darted around the train car.

“Right by the door.”

Immediately Kyo knew the guy Die was talking about—one in a shirt that said “_I don’t HAVE a big dick—I AM a big dick!_” in garish neon letters.

Die snickered. “Can you imagine choosing to leave the house in that shirt? It’s not nice to laugh, I know, but how fucking embarrassing.”

Kyo weighed the possibility that maybe the guy was wearing it to be funny, but he didn’t honestly look like he had that type of sense of humor. And even if it was meant to be funny, it was a _seriously_ ugly shirt. “You think he bought it himself? Maybe someone gave it to him and he didn’t realize they meant it as an insult.”

“Either way,” Die said. “I wouldn’t be caught _dead_ in a shirt like that.”

Kyo choked on the loud snort of laughter that came out of him, and slapped his hand over his mouth. The man they were talking about glanced in their direction, and Kyo held his breath, focusing on a point on the floor. He could feel Die shaking with silent laughter beside him.

Finally their stop came and they rushed past the guy in the bad shirt and everyone else, both still trying to contain themselves.

“He might have heard you!” Kyo hissed as they made their way up from the underground.

“Pshh, people don’t hear me.”

“They do sometimes!” Kyo said. “It’s not like you’re invisible—what about those girls at the station?”

“Oh,” Die said, his face changing. “Well, shit.”

That kind of just made it funnier to Kyo, and he burst out laughing again.

“Cut it out! I swear, I’m not really an asshole!” Die said, having no success fighting his own smile. “It’s not that funny!”

And maybe it wasn’t, but Kyo wasn’t used to it, to spending time with anyone else, and certainly not to laughing with them. Sure, he laughed with his bandmates or his coworkers sometimes, but there was something freeing about laughing with Die like this, and it had caught him off-guard.

“So which way is it?” They’d come up to the street level, and Die was looking from the left to the right. He shifted the strap of his guitar's carrying case on his shoulder.

Kyo wondered if it was heavy. Did energy have weight? How would it feel to have Die sitting on top of him?

“We go left,” he said, and started off in that direction. Looking back at Die, he asked, “Why did you bring that anyway?”

“Bring… what, my guitar?” Die looked puzzled as he walked alongside Kyo. “Rehearsal. Why wouldn’t I bring it?”

“You can’t just, I dunno, manifest it when we get there?”

“Oh. Hmm.”

“I mean, I don’t really get how it works, obviously,” Kyo said. “I just thought, what you’d said before.”

“No, yeah, I probably could.” Die’s eyes were downcast, and his voice dropped slightly. “I guess… I just wanted to carry it. It makes it feel more real. It’s been a while, you know? Since I had anything like this, anything to fill that, well, emptiness inside me. At the risk of sounding cliché”

Kyo found it discouraging that even in death one could feel consumed by emptiness. What hope was there of ever escaping it? Was the human experience nothing more than surging forward, constantly searching for some unattainable impossibility to bring meaning to it all? That kinda sucked.

Besides that, Die’s words had reminded Kyo of how horribly guilty he felt for dragging him into his band. It was clear that making music was important to Die, that he took it seriously, and Kyo couldn’t help but feel like he’d preyed upon that dedication and used it for his own devices.

Then again, Die _wanted_ this. It made him happy and brought him purpose, and it wasn’t like Kyo had been duplicitous in his recruitment. Die knew what he was getting himself into, and he was _excited_. Didn’t that mean Kyo was practically doing him a favor?

He was still deliberating the morality of it when his phone vibrated in his pocket and he took it out to read a new text from Toshiya.

**[T]**: _You're bringing him, right?_

He typed his response one-handed.

**[k]**: _Yes, we’re almost there_

“Who’s that?” Die asked.

“Toshiya.”

“The bassist,” Die said, and Kyo nodded. “Walk me through it again.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “Through what?”

“The band!” Die said nervously. “So I know what to expect.”

Kyo sighed and put his phone in his pocket. “There’s not that much to tell… Toshiya is the bassist, used to be rhythm guitar, he’s… a good friend. We actually used to be roommates, back before I got the place I have now.”

“And he won’t have a problem with me?”

“No, I’m more worried about him saying or doing something insensitive just because he’s excited to meet a ghost. He can be kind of a puppy about things.”

Die laughed. “I’ll be prepared for that, then.”

“Then Shinya is our drummer, he’s the real peacekeeper of the group. I think,” Kyo said and paused, feeling less sure, “he’s an extremely understanding person, but he has basically no tolerance for bullshit. I don’t think I can know for sure what he’ll think of you until he meets you.” In a way, Kyo felt certain that Shinya and Die would get on really well—but the ghost factor could still put a hiccup in things.

“I guess I’ll tread lightly with him?” Die said. “And luckily, I’m not one to bullshit much anyway.”

“That is lucky,” Kyo agreed. “Though we probably would never have even gotten this far, if I thought you were.”

They were getting close to the studio and Kyo’s stomach was starting to churn just with the anticipation of everything. He wondered whether ghosts could feel nerves in the same way.

“And the other one is the leader,” Die said. “Lead guitarist, right? Cold but brotherly.”

Kyo half-smiled at the description of Kaoru. “He is kind of like an older brother to me, yeah. And he’s not _actually_ cold, he just might come off that way at first. The real thing with Kaoru is he’s pretty stubborn. Almost as bad as I am.”

“Is it a problem?”

“No, but…” Kyo considered his words. “He didn’t want to need another guitarist. He’s a proud kind of guy, so he might just resent you for no better reason than that. He can be distrustful, skeptical… He might be the toughest for you to please.” He stopped walking outside the doors of the studio. “Here we are.”

Die looked up at the stone of the building. “Well. Thanks for all the advance warning on that front.”

“Sorry,” Kyo said sheepishly. “Ready to go in?”

“As much as I’m gonna be,” Die sighed.

They headed inside and found Shinya sitting at their usual table outside the coffee shop, engrossed in his phone. 

“Hey, Shinya,” Kyo said.

Die was hovering a few steps behind him, and Kyo jerked his head, encouraging him to come closer.

“H’lo, Kyo,” Shinya said without looking up.

Die looked between Shinya and Kyo, abject fear in his wide eyes.

Kyo tried to look reassuringly back. “Kaoru here yet?”

“Smoking.”

“And Toshiya?”

Shinya finally looked up from his phone. “He _was_ here.” He looked over his shoulder towards the café and shrugged. Then he suddenly seemed to notice Die. “Hello.”

“Hey,” Die said. “I’m Die. Looking forward to working with you.” He bowed.

Shinya was just looking at him strangely. “Kyo, this is… the guitarist you found?”

Kyo nodded. “I told you about him. He’s been working on the songs for the live already and everything.

“He’s a real person,” Shinya said.

“Um.” Kyo paused, set his music binder on the table. “Well, yeah. I… thought I’d said as much.”

“What you’d said was that he was a _ghost_, not an actual guy.”

“I don’t understand what you mean by that.” Kyo could feel something angry and defensive already prickling along the back of his neck, and he wondered distantly if it was just Die’s proximity. “I told you about him, and you said you wanted to give him a shot. You said it was _great_.”

“And I _do_ think it’s great,” Shinya said. “Especially now that I can see he’s a real, living—”

“He’s _not_ living,” Kyo said sharply. “When I explained that to you, you were ready to welcome him with open arms. But what, you thought I was full of shit?”

Kyo didn’t really know why he was even arguing. He’d been uneasy ever since he broke the news originally, worried about Shinya’s response. He’d been so sure there was more to Shinya’s feeling than what he was showing, and lo and behold, he’d been right! Shinya had been _humoring_ him, when really he’d never believed Kyo’s story about Die from the beginning.

“Well, come _on_, Kyo,” Shinya said. “What am I supposed to think? You come in saying you’ve solved our crisis, and you know what you’re _like_—”

“You’re supposed to fucking _believe_ me,” Kyo said. “Or at least not lie and say you do when you don’t!”

Shinya’s voice was level. “You’re not being realistic. You know just as well as I do that there have been times—”

“What the hell is this?” Toshiya came out of the coffee shop, looking between them, bewildered. “Kyo, what—you’re fighting with _Shinya_? What’s going on?”

“He thinks I’m a delusional nut job, that’s what.”

“I _never_ used those words,” Shinya said firmly.

Kyo scoffed. That wasn’t a denial of the meaning behind the words.

“About _what_?” Toshiya demanded.

“About me,” Die said in a small voice, and everyone’s attention turned to him. “Shinya was… surprised to see that I’m real.”

Toshiya’s eyes narrowed. “And you are…?”

“Die,” Kyo said. “The guitarist I told you about.”

“The ghost?”

“Except clearly,” Shinya said, rolling his eyes, “he _isn’t_—”

“Actually, I am,” Die cut in. “Excuse me for interrupting, and I know I don’t owe you any evidence, but really, it saddens me to see your lack of faith in Kyo.” He let out a soundless sigh and then all at once he was fading, going paler and paler as if bleached out in the sun, and a moment later the building’s lobby could be seen right through his body.

Shinya gaped at the demonstration, and his phone hit the table as it fell from his lax hand.

“Holy shit,” Toshiya said.

More guilt bubbled up, so Kyo could almost feel it burning his throat. This wasn’t at all how he’d meant for this meeting to go.

“You really weren’t kidding,” Toshiya muttered, nudging Kyo with his elbow.

“No, I wasn’t.”

“But you can still play guitar?” Toshiya said to Die, and it was a good thing, since he looked about ready to fade out of sight altogether. Was that what it looked like when he vanished to the other realm?

“Guitar’s no problem,” Die said, and he and Toshiya began an eager discussion of the parts that Die was taking over.

Kyo wasn’t really listening. He couldn’t help the betrayal he still felt over Shinya’s reaction to Die. Even if Shinya wasn’t the type to freely embrace the supernatural, Kyo couldn’t understand why he’d made such a show of _believing_ Kyo, if that was insincere. Kyo was never dishonest with his friends in that way, and he didn’t want their behavior towards him to be like that either.

Shinya was still watching Die, though his facial expression had returned to its usual calm neutrality. Kyo didn’t want to fight with him, and so he mumbled something about looking for Kaoru, and stalked off to find where their band leader was smoking outside.

He was easy to find, looking much the same as he ever did: obviously sleep-deprived, smoke billowing elegantly around him. He glanced over towards the door as soon as Kyo stepped out of the building, and offered a simple nod of greeting before returning to staring off into the distance.

“What brings you out here?” Kaoru asked after a moment.

Kyo shook his head, not wanting to relate the whole fight he had had with Shinya. “I brought Die. The guitarist, like I said I would.”

Kaoru pursed his lips. “Is he… here now?” He eyed the space next to Kyo warily.

“Inside,” Kyo said.

Kaoru raised his eyebrows, but seemed to accept the answer, and looked off again.

Kyo hesitated. The last thing he wanted was to pick fights with the whole band, but he felt like he had to know, if they had all felt the way Shinya clearly had. Finally he said, “You did believe me, right? That I’d found someone for the band. You _do_ believe me.”

The pause was longer than Kyo would have liked. Then, “Because it’s you, yes. I’ve known you long enough to know that you wouldn’t make some false claim about something like that—or about anything.”

Kyo could tell there was more that he wasn’t saying. “But?”

Kaoru blew out a stream of smoke. “Who was it?”

“Who was…?” Kyo swallowed around a lump in his throat. “Shinya.”

“Figured.” Kaoru took another long drag of his cigarette before saying, “You know how much Shinya cares about you. We all do.”

“I don’t see what that—”

“Yeah, but you do,” Kaoru cut him off, shaking his head. “Nobody thinks you’re fragile, but we never want you to feel like you’re unsupported, either. I know you’ve felt like that before.”

“What, so you’ll just lie and act like you’re supporting me instead of risking hurting my feelings?”

“What harm does it do to support you _more_ than you need?” Kaoru said. “We know you’re not lying. Whatever you were going to bring in, it was going to come from you, and from a place of sincerity. But you can’t have expected us to take you at your word, when what you were saying—”

“But I _did_,” Kyo said helplessly. “I thought you’d take me at my word, because you _said you did_. Because it was all I had, and it was true.” He sagged against the wall of the building. “You don’t know how crazy I felt. Like I was losing my mind. I know how it sounds, Kao, I’m not so far gone that I can’t hear myself. But that just made it that much more of a relief when you all accepted what I was telling you.”

He put his hands in his pocket, let himself feel Die’s note against the pads of his fingers. He could have shown it to Kaoru right then, the closest thing to evidence that he’d ever been given, but he figured it was pointless with Die just inside waiting for them.

“That’s why we accepted it,” Kaoru said. “None of us wants to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to be lied to,” Kyo said. “_That_ hurts. I don’t lie to you guys.”

Kaoru gave him a look. “Don’t you?”

Kyo clenched his jaw. “I haven’t, in a long time.”

“Can’t blame us for being careful,” Kaoru said. He finished his cigarette, crushed the butt under his heel. “At any rate, you said he’s here now. Let’s meet Die.” He moved towards the door.

Kyo nodded and took a steadying breath before pushing away from the wall and following Kaoru inside.

Everyone was right where Kyo had left them. Toshiya had both his and Kyo’s binders open on the table, and was bent over them, marking things in pencil as Die listened attentively. Shinya’s phone was still lying forgotten in front of him as he sat and watched the others talk.

“Die,” Kyo said, interrupting as gently as possible, “this is Kaoru.”

Die looked up from the music and stood straighter before bowing, expressing his gratitude for Kaoru’s welcoming him into the group.

“Kyo has spoken highly of you,” Kaoru said. “I look forward to seeing what you can do.”

“He’s been very generous,” Die said. “I’ve never known anyone like him.”

“I doubt anyone has,” Toshiya said. “Kyo’s a fuckin’ weirdo.”

Die’s eyes widened, but Kyo just laughed.

“Now, Die, you were in a band before?” Kaoru asked.

“I was, but it’s… been a while,” Die said. “I’ve been all the more excited to get back onstage for it.”

“And you’ll be able to do that?” Shinya said, his voice soft. “We don’t need to worry about you… fading away in the middle of a performance?”

“I can maintain myself for as long as is needed,” Die said.

Kyo scratched at his nose to hide his frown. He’d heard Die talk about it enough to know he wasn’t really as confident in his ability to keep control as all that. He didn’t even know what it was that made him slip into the other realm.

“I’m sorry,” Kaoru said. “Maintain…?”

“Oh, man, you missed it,” Toshiya said. “Kyo wasn’t messing around, Die is a legit ghost, he can disappear, phase through shit…” He looked curiously at Die. “Can you fly, too? Levitate or something?”

“All right, all right,” Kyo said. “I think all your questions of that nature can probably wait. It’s time for us to rehearse, isn’t it?”

Kaoru agreed, and the band gathered their things and moved up to the rehearsal space.

It took some finagling to get Die plugged into the sound system, an extra crackle of electricity making the power surge and feedback screech before they were sure he was hooked up right, but then somehow his guitar was coming through the speakers just as if it was a real instrument and not constructed out of energy.

The practice started haltingly. Toshiya stood close by Die, correcting and guiding him frequently but patiently. It was a lot to hash out, but they had all come prepared to get the work done, and as the night went on, it seemed like no one was really taking any issue with Die’s unusual condition; they were treating him as well as they might have treated any new band member, working alongside him without complaint.

If anything, the least productive band member was Kyo. With all the stopping and starting, the hammering out of guitar parts and whatnot, Kyo was spending more time sitting and listening than doing vocals.

And watching. He was doing a fair amount of watching, too.

It was strange, seeing how Die interacted with other people, witnessing that smile on his face but not having been the one to put it there. He’d almost expected it to hurt, but in actuality, he _liked_ it, liked seeing Die happy, liked the light that came into his eyes as he let the music carry him.

Plus there was just something unbelievably sexy about how he worked his guitar. It was a different context from the peaceful acoustic sessions Kyo had seen back at the apartment. Here he threw his body and soul into his playing, tossed his head back in ecstasy, moved with the rhythm like it was pulling him from within. Kyo couldn’t stop staring at how Die’s hands flexed and tightened, fingers playing so deftly over the frets, strong but nimble.

Even when he meant to be paying attention to his cue to start singing, Kyo was thinking how those fingers would feel dancing over his skin, bringing him to life with their electric touch. And then he was thinking about other parts of Die, aside from his hands. Would he still shimmer and buzz if Kyo ran his fingertips over Die’s body? Would he spark when Kyo traced the lines of him with his tongue?

“Kyo, did you want us to keep vamping or were you gonna come in at some point tonight?” Toshiya asked, loud enough to make Kyo realize how deeply he’d been spacing out.

“I’ll um. I’ll come in at the chorus,” Kyo said, and he hurriedly took a drink of water, as if that was his reason for not singing when he should have.

When at last their reserved time in the rehearsal space was coming to an end, the whole band was smiling, feeling better and more hopeful about the direction of things than they had since long before they’d lost Kisaki.

“I actually think this might work,” Kaoru said. “Hard as that is to believe, when our performance is only a week out.”

“But it’s not hard to believe at all,” Toshiya said. “Die’s awesome, he’s picking up everything like he’s the one who set it down.” He grinned at Die. “You have serious skills.”

Die smiled back, somewhat bashfully. “I’m just happy to be part of a group again.”

“This calls for celebration!” Toshiya said.

“I agree,” Kaoru said. “Shinya, you’re in?”

Shinya had already finished packing up his things, but he nodded.

“Good. I’m just gonna go for a quick smoke, and then we can all go in my car.” He started for the door, then turned and pointed at Die. “You smoke?”

“Er, not anymore,” Die said with a shrug.

“It can’t hurt you now,” Kaoru pointed out. “Maybe you ought to start.”

“I’ll consider it.”

Kaoru went out, and Kyo came up beside Die.

“Don’t worry about him.”

“Yeah,” Toshiya added, “he’s lonely out there ‘cause Kyo and I both quit, but just don’t pay him any mind.”

“Nah, he’s fine,” Die said.

“You’re cool with going in his car, right?” Kyo said as he moved his music stand back in place against the wall. “It might be cozy with all five of us, but I think everyone else took the train here—maybe another time we can take two cars so it’s not so crowded…”

“Actually, you know, I don’t think I, um, I can go out to night,” Die said.

Kyo looked up in surprise. “You can’t?”

“Just for a couple drinks!” Toshiya said.

Die laughed, but the sound wasn’t what Kyo had gotten used to. “Sorry, I guess dying kind of put an end to a number of my vices.”

“Well, you don’t have to drink, of course,” Shinya said quickly.

“Yeah, it’s just to celebrate,” Toshiya said. “No pressure!”

“Honestly,” Kyo said, “they usually keep it pretty mellow, it doesn’t get too crazy or anything.” The truth was that Kyo didn’t usually go out with the others himself. He wasn’t much of a drinker, and it wasn’t enjoyable for him to feel trapped in that kind of social situation. But when there was something legitimately worth celebrating, he didn’t always skip out on it.

“No, it’s not that,” Die said. “I think I’m just tired.”

Kyo didn’t keep the abject concern off his face then. “Really? Are you okay?” Maybe he only had a limited amount of energy to spend in this realm and he’d exhausted it. It could be a lot more tiring for him to travel places outside his regular haunting grounds. Would this be a recurring problem?

“I’m fine,” Die said. “Just kind of want to get home. Or… back to the apartment, at least.”

“Are you sure?” Shinya asked.

Toshiya looked devastated. “But you’re the _reason_ we’re celebrating!”

“Do you want me to go back with you then?” Kyo offered. “I don’t need to go out with them.”

“No, it’s fine,” Die said. Kyo could tell he was growing more uncomfortable, but he couldn’t really understand why.

Then Kaoru strode back in, blowing into his hands to warm them. “Are we all ready to go?”

“Die won’t join us!” Toshiya complained.

Kaoru looked at him, obviously disappointed. “Why not?”

“Because!” Die said, his voice louder than Kyo had ever heard it. “It doesn’t make any sense for a dead guy to go out partying, okay? I can’t eat or drink, I don’t really wanna be _around_ people, and I’d rather just go home!”

Everyone went quiet, staring at him.

“I’m sorry,” Die sighed, and his eyes closed. “I’m not mad—I… appreciate the offer. But I don’t want to go out. Kyo, please, go without me, have a good time. I can get back on my own.”

Before anyone could try to argue the matter any further, he was out the door, not even bothering to open it before slipping through.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, hopefully I can return to a more regular posting schedule now! Thank you all for your patience!  
Please note that with this chapter the rating has gone up!

The bar was noisy, and Kyo tried to take comfort in the dim chaos, but he wasn’t having any luck getting Die off his mind.

He wondered whether it had been right to let him take off like that. Maybe he should have gone after him. It wasn’t like it would have been any great loss to him, missing a night out with his bandmates drinking. He hadn’t expected the idea to upset Die like that though, and he had to think there was something he was missing.

“You look like you could use a drink,” Kaoru said, leaning on the table across from Kyo.

“I’m fine,” Kyo said distractedly.

“Then you know, maybe sometime _you_ could volunteer to be designated driver.”

“It’s your car,” Kyo said. “What would I do at the end of the night, drop you off and walk home from your place?”

“You’re always welcome to spend the night.”

Kyo rolled his eyes. “More than likely, I won’t even come next time.”

“I guess that’s true,” Kaoru said. “You’re here this time to celebrate our new guitarist, and he didn’t even join us himself.”

“Hmm.” Kyo frowned down at his glass. His ice cubes were melting, watering down his untouched coke, but he just couldn’t care.

“Do you know him well enough to know if that’s typical behavior?”

Kyo wasn’t sure how to answer. Nothing like that had ever come up before. He’d certainly never heard of Die getting _tired_, and while he was aware that Die neither ate nor drank, he’d never before expressed any discomfort being around Kyo while he did those things. Maybe it was different though, being outside the apartment, being in public. “I really don’t,” Kyo said, eventually.

Toshiya and Shinya came over to the table, drinks in hand. “What are we talking about?”

“Our new guitarist missing his own welcome celebration,” Kaoru said.

“Yeah, what’s the deal with that?” Toshiya said. “I was so bummed.”

“I kind of was, too,” Kyo admitted quietly. He couldn’t shake the thought that he should have gone home with Die, not let him go alone when he was clearly in distress.

“Was it something we did, or said?” Toshiya asked. “I feel like I must have been an ass and not even realized…”

Kyo’s mouth slanted sideways as he thought. It was possible that Die had been offended sometime during the night and just not said anything. He didn’t seem to be much one for confrontation, so he might have just opted for the alone time rather than admit that he was hurt.

After all, there had been the whole thing with Shinya, and while Kyo was pretty sure he was the one bothered by that more than Die, it could have created some uncomfortable tension that Kyo hadn’t been so perceptive of. He chanced a glance over towards Shinya, but he wasn’t looking back at him.

Really, Shinya had been even quieter than usual all evening. Ever since their argument, he’d seemed to be avoiding talking or making eye contact with Kyo. It was understandable. It was rare for Shinya to fight with anyone, and Kyo was more likely to internalize his negative responses than hurl them at another person, so probably the whole thing had thrown Shinya for a loop.

“I really hope we didn’t do anything to cause him offense,” Kaoru said. “He was seriously great to work with.”

“I’m pretty sure once he’s confident, we’ll sound worlds better than we ever did with Kisaki,” Toshiya said.

“Oh, easily.” Kaoru sipped his tea. “How did you find him, Kyo?”

“He was just _there_.”

“But how did you know to bring him into the band, that it was even possible? It’s an awfully big coincidence.”

“It is,” Kyo said. “Unless it’s not.” He traced a finger through the condensation pooling around his glass, dragged a few water droplets around the table. “I found him _because_ he was playing guitar. Just sitting in my living room with his acoustic. How was I supposed to know in that moment, what he was, what he would… that he had the potential to join us? I couldn't have imagined it then, but getting from there to here was so natural.”

Kaoru made a thoughtful noise. “We should incorporate some of his acoustic playing into our songs.”

“Does he compose, too?” Toshiya asked.

Kyo nodded. “He told me that he does, though no one’s heard his recent compositions besides me.”

“So our capacity to create is not diminished in death,” Kaoru mused. “Incredible. Die is fascinating.”

“Right?” Toshiya said excitedly. “Like when he whooshed right through that door? That was so spooky and badass!”

“It makes you wonder, to what degree do—”

“He’s not a fucking science experiment,” Kyo said, not loudly, not _angrily_, but feeling somewhat exasperated by how they were talking. “Yes, Die is fascinating and his being a ghost is cool, but there’s a lot more to him than just being dead.”

Toshiya shifted guiltily. “Yeah, well, of course there is.”

Maybe it was hypocritical of Kyo. He had asked Die so much about the afterlife, about his experiences. He liked being around him, but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t think the ghost aspect was a pretty prominent part of his identity at this point.

“I wish we could know him more,” Toshiya said. “The person he is—or was. Is? He seems cool, but I guess he doesn’t want to be around us that much.”

“It must be overwhelming for him,” Kaoru posited. “He’s said that he hasn’t been in a band in a long while; coming into all of this so suddenly has to be jarring. How long has it been since he was alive?” He looked to Kyo.

“He hasn’t said.”

“It can’t have been _too_ long,” Toshiya said. “He doesn’t seem clueless.”

“He said when he was alive, that one variety show was on, where the guy gives the guests all his trademark romance techniques,” Kyo said. That was possibly the best time-related hint he’d gotten, and it still didn’t narrow it down fully.

Kaoru frowned, and Toshiya said, “The Gackt one? Okay, so I guess he’s been alive at some point in the past, what, twelve years…”

Shinya spoke up quietly, “Do you know how he died?” 

The question irritated Kyo. “It’s really not my place to ask.”

“No, of course not,” Shinya said. “I just thought the information would tell us something about him, if he died in some recorded natural disaster, or there was some incident that killed him, something we should be sensitive about…”

Kyo hadn’t really thought much about that. If one could be traumatized by a horrific incident that they survived, how much _more_ traumatic would it be to have actually _died_? Presumably anything that killed Die would still exist in the world, whether it was illness, natural disaster, or even murder. How did Die get through the day handling the memory of his own death?

He remembered the vision he’d seen in the mirror, wondered if that had been how Die looked when he died. The blood he’d seen might suggest it had been a violent death, but it was still also possible that it had all been in Kyo’s mind, and he couldn’t jump to conclusions.

There was so much that he didn’t know about Die. It was only natural since he’d met him less than a week ago, but at the same time he felt like he’d known him so much longer.

“Is it also a coincidence,” Toshiya said, “that the guy you recruited _happens_ to be totally your type?”

Kyo looked at him in surprise, found him smirking back at him. “Wha—my type how?”

“You know,” Toshiya said. “The hair, the bone structure, he’s taller than you…”

“If all I’m looking for is someone with hair, bones, and a few centimeters on me, you’d think I’d have found them by now.”

“So you’re saying you’re _not_ attracted to him,” Toshiya said skeptically.

“No, I’m—Not saying that,” Kyo said. “We all have eyes, okay. But a coincidence… Like I said, it depends on if any of it is, really. Sometimes it feels more like… I don’t know, like we were led to each other.” He shrugged, embarrassed that he’d confessed even that much.

“I didn’t think you believed in things like that,” Shinya said.

“I don’t really,” Kyo said, “but Die makes me doubt. Makes me believe. Kind of flips my brain inside out and wrings everything that makes sense out of it.”

“Sounds fun,” Toshiya said.

“Sure, if you love suffering like I do.”

Kaoru cleared his throat. “And with that I think I’ll go out for a cigarette.”

“Oh, Kyo, no one loves suffering quite like you do,” Toshiya said. He got up and went outside with Kaoru, leaving Kyo alone at the table with Shinya.

It was uncomfortable.

Kyo had never felt so uncomfortable with Shinya, and he couldn’t say that he cared for it. He was a little surprised that Shinya hadn’t found some excuse to leave as well. Sipping at his watery cola, Kyo found himself lost for anything to say to Shinya at the moment.

It took a long time, but then Shinya said, “I know that you’re angry with me.”

Kyo snorted. “No shit, how'd you work that one out?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Shinya said. “Or to betray your trust. But I realize I made you feel that way, and that I was subsequently less polite to Die than I should have been.”

Kyo waited for him to go on, having heard nothing he disagreed with thus far.

“Die deserves better, and it was wrong for me to speak to and about him the way I did initially.” Shinya sighed. “I’ll be honest. It freaked me out that he’s a ghost. When I thought you were just saying things and I didn’t have to _believe_ it, it was easier to accept him. Evidence that there are ghosts in our world forces me to confront things about my own mortality with which I’m not prepared to cope.”

Kyo could understand that.

“It doesn’t excuse my actions, however,” Shinya said. “And Die… he seems really decent.” He met and held Kyo’s gaze. “I can see how much he means to you already.”

Kyo tried to wave a dismissive hand, but it was more of a hapless flail.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you look at anyone like that, and I’m glad that you’re opening yourself up, but…” Shinya frowned very slightly. “Be careful. You know his story’s already ended, and yours has a ways to go.”

“I know,” Kyo said. It wasn’t like he saw some kind of future for him and Die, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t admire him from a distance. Or up close.

With the air cleared between him and Shinya, the rest of the night passed much more pleasantly. Kyo still wasn’t drinking, but as the night wore on he started to feel that giddy, disorienting exhaustion that was something like being intoxicated.

He didn’t stop talking about Die, couldn’t stop thinking about him, and Toshiya kept egging him on, eager to learn more about their newest band member, and apparently amused by Kyo’s readiness to provide whatever information he had.

It was late by the time Kaoru made the rounds to drop everyone off, and tired as Kyo was, he also had some lingering energy to burn off, felt kind of nervous and worked up. For once he was relieved to find the apartment dark and empty when he got in, and put aside his concern for Die having left in a somewhat emotional manner.

He didn’t bother turning on any lights after he left his shoes at the door, with his socks tucked inside, and was already unfastening his belt before he even got to his bedroom.

For all that he liked Die and enjoyed his presence, Kyo had to admit he kind of missed the privacy he’d become accustomed to after years of living alone. And he’d missed the freedom to take care of his own body, most of all.

On this now rare occasion where he found himself without company, he intended to take advantage; his bedtime routine was shortened to taking a piss, washing his face, and brushing his teeth, and then he could finally give his full attention to his body’s _other _needs.

Kyo was comforted by the familiar dark of his own room. He knew where everything was, knew where the nightstand would be so he could take Die’s note from his pocket and leave it there, wasn’t surprised when his knee bumped into the edge of the bed and he climbed up onto the mattress even as he worked his jeans down off his hips and let his hand slip into his boxers to wrap around himself.

Instantly he was sighing in relief at his own touch, stroking himself easily to full hardness with images of Die still playing prominently in his mind. He didn’t bother trying to fight them, just turned to kick his jeans off and throw them across the dark room to land in the hamper in the corner.

His cock was aching just from having been abandoned to deal with his jeans, and he rushed to get back to it, canting his hips towards his hand.

He hadn’t taken this kind of time for himself in too long, not since everything that had happened in the past week, and he was almost surprised by how _good_ it felt. But not actually surprised.

Generally speaking, Kyo found he enjoyed masturbating perhaps more than was strictly normal. He’d had the thought before that it was his only source of joy in life. Sure, there was music, and performing always brought him some satisfaction, but alone in the dark with his cock leaking over his fist—that was a special time out of his day, when he wasn’t focused on anything other than feeling _good_.

And he always knew just how to make himself feel good.

He pumped slowly, reached down with his other hand to roll his balls in his palm, to stroke just behind them. He let out a soft grunt and his head fell forward. He was tempted to reach back farther, get a finger inside himself. He hadn’t done that in a while, and he craved the tight, full feel of something opening him up.

It had been even longer since he’d actually had someone else inside him. Some thick cock driving deep into him…

_Fuck_.

He didn’t often think about things quite so graphically when he jerked off. It wasn’t generally about being really turned on, or a desire to have sex with someone. For Kyo and his greatest enjoyment of himself, it was about sensation, all the tightening of muscles, the coiling need, and the blissful release of everything at once.

He was startled to find a more structured fantasy working its way into his session.

But the thought of how good it would feel to have someone’s dick in him had occurred tohim, and it wasn’t likely to vanish from his thoughts now, especially when it was so easy to attach that dick to someone already attractive in every other way.

Kyo squeezed his eyes shut against the lightless room, and let himself imagine it was _Die’s_ hand wrapped around him instead of his own, that same long-fingered, tattooed hand that played over his guitar strings with such strength and dexterity.

He bit down on his lip as he thumbed the head, thinking of Die doing it, of Die watching him with warm, curious eyes as he took him apart with his electric touch. He could almost feel the sparks that always accompanied Die’s hand on him, and all at once the room was too hot, and he had to take his hands off himself so he could yank off his shirt. He threw it towards the hamper, uncaring of how in the darkness he missed and heard it fall to the floor. That wasn’t even on his list of priorities at the moment.

Kyo’s back hit the bed and he pushed his boxers down to better go after himself. He imagined Die crouching over him, long hair falling around his face as he looked down at him. He touched himself to the thought of Die, hard because of him, the blunt head of his beautiful, imaginary cock nudging at Kyo’s hole. He moaned loudly, dug his heels into the bed as he imagined Die entering him, slowly, with agonizing patience, letting him feel every centimeter until Kyo was so full he felt like he was choking on it. His hand sped up and he remembered Die’s hands again, how tightly he could grip the neck of his guitar, how fluidly he could slide over the frets.

He thought of the intense focus and concentration that took over Die’s face when he played. He wanted that kind of attention focused on him instead. He could imagine Die’s brow furrowed as he buried himself deep inside Kyo’s body, laid out beneath him—and before he could get any further with that train of thought, Kyo was cumming, a harsh but painfully satisfied cry ripping out of him as warm cum spattered up over his abs.

“_Fuck_,” Kyo whispered as he just lay still for a long moment. His breathing was loud in the room, and if he’d been exhausted before, now he was on the brink of death. “Fuck,” he said again, and groaned as he shifted enough to get his boxers fully off. He used them to clean himself up, wiped his hands on them, and then tossed them too in the general direction of the laundry hamper, to be dealt with in the morning.

It never took long after a self-session like that for Kyo to drift off to sleep. In fact, he slept better post-orgasm than just about any other way. It was another reason why he enjoyed looking after himself so much. He’d tried all manner of strategies and home remedies to help him sleep, but nothing worked better than rubbing one out. This occasion was no different, and Kyo drew the covers up close around him so he could relax into the heavy kind of sleep that was strong arms tugging him downward, with no resistance.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Halloween! Anyone doing anything fun? I started putting my costume together today.  
Anyway, please enjoy the new chapter, lovelovelove~

Sunlight pulled a reluctant Kyo from his pleasant night’s rest far sooner than he would have liked. He grumbled, squinted around for a clock and hoped desperately that he would discover he was allowed to go back to sleep for another few hours. Unfortunately, it was actually nearing noon, and even with the museum closed on Sundays, Kyo had places he needed to be.

The first rehearsal with Die had gone well, but with the band’s performance looming so near, they needed the practice more than ever, and Kaoru had insisted that they meet every evening this week—not that anyone disagreed.

Still, Kyo lollygagged a little bit. It was hard to leave his cocoon of warm blankets, especially when he’d left his clothing strewn all over the place and fallen asleep without even his boxers to warm his backside out in the cold world.

Then again, a hot shower sounded like a damn good idea.

With that promise as encouragement, Kyo threw his covers off and made a hasty dash for the bathroom, washing away sleep and cold under a soothingly scalding spray.

Twenty minutes later he was dressed in clean clothes, and went around his room tidying up a few things. He remembered the clothing he’d aimed at the hamper in the dark the night before, and walked around his bed to pick up the items—

But there was nothing on the floor there.

He frowned. Hadn’t that been yesterday? He was sure he’d tossed things this way, and they hadn’t gone _into_ the hamper.

He looked in at his other dirty laundry and paused. It was all there. Jeans, shirt, even the soiled boxers from the previous night. Was his aim really that much better than he’d thought? He was sure he hadn’t gotten up and put things away properly, so he supposed he must’ve just landed them right when he threw them, unless—

Kyo swallowed, and a shudder ran through his whole body.

_Die_. He must have cleaned up, put the clothes into the hamper where Kyo had obviously intended for them to go.

The question was, had Die seen how the clothes had gotten on the floor in the first place?

Kyo had come home, found the apartment dark, and carried on under the assumption that he was alone. But what if he’d been totally wrong? Ghosts didn’t need light to see. Kyo hadn’t been quiet or discreet in the slightest, and it was possible that Die had witnessed everything and just been too polite (or horrified) to interrupt and say something.

Then again it was possible that Die hadn’t seen or heard any of it. Maybe he’d just come in in the morning, found a mess, and, being sort of anal about tidiness, had gone ahead and picked up what was on the floor.

Of course, Kyo didn’t have any evidence that Die was the type to be really persnickety about that kind of thing, and even if he did just pick it up, that wasn’t so comforting, seeing as the boxers at least had been pretty unmistakably covered in…

Kyo tried to tamp down on his rising panic. There was nothing much he could do about it now. Die was nowhere to be seen. Maybe later he could see him, before rehearsal, and he could talk to him.

And just what the fuck did he think he was going to say? “_Hey, Die, did you happen to catch me jacking off last night and clean up after me? Yikes, man, sorry about that!”_ Maybe talking about it would just put them both in an awkward position, and he’d do better to act like it had never happened.

That was easier said than done when it quickly became all that Kyo could think about. He was reasonably sure he hadn’t said anything _too_ incriminating out loud, in the throes of passion, but he still knew perfectly well what he’d been thinking of as he’d moved his hand over his own length, and the idea that Die might have seen him during that incredibly vulnerable moment set something on fire inside Kyo that he didn’t have the first idea how to calm.

It was ridiculous, he was sure, to be that excited over some ghost dick. More than likely he wouldn’t even be able to feel it inside him. But that didn’t mean he didn’t want to try to feel it.

As it happened, it hardly made much difference whether Kyo wanted to talk to Die about it or not, because Die hadn’t made an appearance all day. That was also troubling; he had been in Kyo’s room at _some_ point and moved the clothes, but he hadn’t stuck around. Had he really just been disgusted?

Kyo went on doing chores around his apartment. He started a load of laundry and sorted out his recycling, and started to grow worried when he still didn’t see Die.

It would be such an embarrassing way to have scared him off. He could imagine himself going on some talk show, telling everyone his surefire method for removing a spirit from your home—_masturbate loud enough and the ghost will be too uncomfortable to show his face again! No exorcism necessary!_

He carried a trash bag around, quietly tidying up stray scraps of this and that. He came to his nightstand and picked up the note Die had written, turned it over between his fingers. He didn’t really need it anymore; the rest of the band had seen Die and could confirm that he was more than a mere figment of Kyo’s imagination.

All the same, he tucked the little water-stained paper into the pocket of his jeans and moved on to sweep a couple food wrappers into his trash bag.

Kyo was hanging his laundry to dry, and just starting to really worry that Die wouldn’t make it back in time for their evening rehearsal, when the TV switched on, and Kyo looked to see Die just sitting nonchalantly on the couch.

“Oh,” Kyo said, an undershirt still dangling damply from one hand. “You’re here. I wasn’t sure you’d make it.”

“Am I late?”

“Well, no,” Kyo said. _Not technically_. “I was just going to leave when I’m done with this laundry though.”

“Hmm.” Die was looking at the TV with a kind of glazed expression, and it bothered Kyo, though he couldn’t put into words exactly why.

“So, where were you?” Kyo knew it was a stupid thing to say. As far as Die had told him, there was really only one other place he went when he wasn’t with Kyo in the world of the living.

Die was able to pick up on the real underlying question, which was more _Why weren’t you here?_ and he said, “I know I’ve been around a lot. I haven’t left you much time or space for yourself, even though I said that I would. So, I wanted to apologize for that.”

Kyo frowned. “It’s not like you’ve been smothering me or anything. I’m the one who asked you to join the band.”

“I know, but still.” Die shrugged one shoulder, his eyes still on the TV screen. “You’ve been kind to me, and I don’t want to take that for granted.”

Kyo wasn’t sure how to respond. Die was being so _considerate_, and it just made Kyo feel guiltier for the inappropriate things he’d been thinking about him.

And just like that, he was thinking some more, his eyes wandering down Die’s body, over his long, lean thighs. Kyo wanted to straddle him. He could easily envision himself on Die’s lap, rutting and grinding against him until he came in his own pants.

Jesus, maybe he really had been out of the game too long if it was that easy for his mind to go there.

“I appreciate that,” Kyo said awkwardly, aware of how delayed he was in saying anything. He hurried to get back to his laundry, refusing to look at Die any longer.

A short time later they were on their way once more to the rehearsal space. Clouds were lurking menacingly though the rain hadn’t started up again, and Kyo had his coat buttoned clear up to where it covered the bottom of his face. Die was unbothered as ever by the weather, and walked beside Kyo without looking at him.

“So did you have fun last night?”

Kyo glanced up, flustered. “I—what? When? No.”

Die arched an eyebrow. “No? Going out with everyone wasn’t good…?”

“Oh!” _Duh_. “Right, yeah, it was good. You know, Toshiya’s always entertaining, it’s always pretty funny when he gets drunk enough to suggest we go to karaoke.”

“And do you?”

“Fuck no.”

Die laughed, “I think it’d be fun.”

Kyo tried to picture it, Die in a karaoke room, maybe awkwardly holding some maracas. “Yeah, you’d wanna go duet with Totchi?”

“Sure! He seems really cool.”

Kyo smiled. He hadn’t realized how much he’d been worried about Die’s reactions to the rest of the band until he felt that relief rush through him. “I’m glad you like him.”

“I liked all of them,” Die said before a little crease appeared between his brows. “I don’t think Shinya cared for me, though.”

“That whole thing wasn’t your fault,” Kyo told him quickly. “We talked more last night, Shinya is just… he worries about stuff, and he’s not always great at expressing things openly—not that I’m one to talk.” He chuckled into the collar of his jacket. “He said he was sorry for how he acted towards you, that he should have treated you with more respect.” Kyo studied Die’s profile as they walked down the stairs to the subway station. “Was he—Is that why you didn’t want to join us last night?”

Finally Die looked over in surprise. “What? No! Oh, man, is that what he thought?”

“Toshiya was worried it was something he’d done.”

“Oh, no.” Die looked pained. “God, I feel so shitty now, I didn’t mean for anyone to think that.”

Kyo nodded, trying to to be understanding. “So, then… um, what… why _did_ you decide to just go home?”

Die’s mouth opened, pain still the main aspect of his expression. “I—it’s not, just—I didn’t. Want to go out.” He gave Kyo a kind of apologetic look and didn’t say anymore.

“So he didn’t mention anything about being upset last night?” Kaoru said quietly to Kyo as they watched Toshiya and Die running through one of the guitar solos.

Most of the practice had been like this, Toshiya working closely with Die on riffs and details while everyone else focused on their own sections. It wasn’t smooth, but it was necessary work.

“No,” Kyo answered. “He said it wasn’t anything to do with the band, he just didn’t want to go out.”

“But he made it back to your place okay?”

“I guess so,” Kyo said with a shrug. “I mean, he showed up in time for rehearsal.” And he might have been there last night too and Kyo just hadn’t noticed.

“And his poor mood doesn’t seem to have carried over,” Kaoru mused. “I guess that’s a good thing.”

“I think so,” Kyo said, and yawned.

“I’ve been in touch with the venue,” Kaoru said. “I wanted to make sure they have all the correct information about our band and its _members_.”

Kyo felt a little smirk tugging at his mouth as he heard in the simple statement Kaoru’s lingering distaste for Kisaki.

“I was thinking—how would you feel about changing the band’s name?” Kaoru said.

The question surprised Kyo. It wasn’t like they were a huge name or anything, but they’d experienced moderate success locally, and rebranding at this point could push them backwards. If it was something Kaoru was seriously considering, Kyo wanted to know his reasoning.

“I thought you were hoping for us to make contact with potential management companies soon,” Kyo said. “You don’t think separating ourselves from any success we’ve had as an established group could be, well, harmful?”

“I think,” Kaoru said, and closed his eyes in concentration, “that Die could be the key. And I want our _new_ band to be clearly something of which he is a part.”

Again, Kyo was surprised. Of course he was pleased that everyone had taken to Die so well so quickly, but it almost made him suspicious. “If this is just about distancing ourselves from what we’d made with—”

“It’s not,” Kaoru said quickly. “That is, I can’t deny that I’d like very much for us to be seen independently from him, but there’s another point to my thinking, which I’m afraid you might like even less.”

That didn’t bode well. Kyo looked over at Toshiya and Die. They’d stopped playing and were talking quietly amongst themselves.

“I think there could be something to Die’s presence,” Kaoru said, “as… a kind of gimmick.” His face was stone-cold serious. “The _ghost_ thing might give us an edge, distinguish us from other up-and-coming bands.”

Kyo stared at him. “You want to make the fact that Die is _dead_… into some kind of publicity stunt?”

“I knew you wouldn’t like it,” Kaoru muttered, shaking his head.

“I just—I’m trying to wrap my head around it,” Kyo said. “You really see this guy is deceased and think, ‘oh, how can I take advantage of this?’?”

“Now, come on,” Kaoru said. “Don’t act like you didn’t meet him and see an opportunity.”

“Not like this!” Kyo hissed, trying to keep his voice from rising. “What do you even expect him to do, come onstage only after we hold a séance, do some kind of ghost _tricks_ for your entertainment? I’ve gotta say, I think it’s really shitty of—”

Kyo was interrupted by Toshiya’s loud cackle of laughter, and both he and Kaoru looked to find Die levitating several centimeters off the floor, looking rather proud of himself.

“Holy shit!” Toshiya said. “Hoooly shit, that’s so cool—are you guys seeing this?!”

Die chuckled. “It’s really not that much more complicated than stickin’ my hand through something.”

“You should totally do that onstage!”

“You think so?” Die launched into the guitar solo they’d just been practicing, still floating in the air.

“Hell yes! It’s badass!” Toshiya said enthusiastically.

Kaoru gave Kyo a pointed look.

Kyo scowled. “_Fine_.” After all, who was he to protest if Die wanted to sell himself out like that?

Shinya had been watching the whole scene in silence, but at that point he got up from his seat at his drums and came over to Kyo, sitting lightly on the chair beside him instead.

“You have to admit it’s a pretty neat trick,” he said.

“_Trick_,” Kyo said scornfully. The whole thing still rubbed him the wrong way, and he wondered whether Die knew what he was getting himself into.

“Die is a performer,” Shinya said. “His death has prevented him from getting out there and being who he is, doing what he loves. Now he has the chance to take his… unfortunate state into his own hands, to change it into something more… beneficial.” He looked at Kyo. “You don’t think it makes sense for him to embrace that part of himself, to show off what it allows him to do?”

Kyo hated that it _did_ make sense, that it was probably actually a much more emotionally healthy way to handle things than trying to _hide_ the fact that he was dead, or act like there was nothing unusual about him.

“So you and Kaoru are in cahoots about this?” Kyo said.

“I always run things by Shinya first,” Kaoru said. “He’s better than I am at telling if I’m being either impractical or insensitive.”

“Or both,” Shinya added.

“Then did you have another band name in mind?” Kyo asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

Kaoru nodded. “I figure our sort of theme, musically, lyrically is… centered around pain. So, thinking of the band as a unit, a single body… What do you think about _Genshitsuu_?”

Kyo considered it. _Phantom pain_. It was perhaps just subtle enough to not be silly, and was in fact pretty appropriate. It was a psychological pain, and Kyo couldn’t deny that he kind of liked Die being so accepted that he was real _part_ of their new band name. “We’ll have to put it to a vote, I guess.”

Kaoru smiled. “But you’re not rejecting it outright.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Then I am cautiously optimistic.”

“That can be the name of our first album,” Shinya teased.

“Jesus, how would that happen?” Kaoru said, the horror at such a suggestion evident on his face.

“Don’t be like that,” Shinya said. “I think we probably _should_ start working on putting together an album.”

“_That’s_ not the part of what you said that I have a problem with, and you know it.” Kaoru thought for a moment. “I don’t know what we’ll really title our first album. But I agree we should be thinking about a tracklist. After the gig.”

Kyo and Shinya both nodded and they all returned their attention to Die, struggling to return to the ground from his hovering position. As neat a trick as it was, it definitely required some practice before it was really stage-ready.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!!!   
There's still a fair amount of this story left, not exactly sure how far it's going to carry us. Some chapters still need sorting out, but we're not near the end, obviously. Some angst in this chapter though, and discussion of death (what, in a ghost fic??) so be warned about that.  
Hope everyone's having safe and happy holidays (if that's something you celebrate! safe and happy regular days otherwise!) and that November is even better for all of us.  
Thank you for your support as always, and love to you all~

“Back to the top?” Toshiya asked tiredly.

Kaoru shook his head. “The transition is what was sloppy. Let’s take it from the last chorus of the previous song.”

They waited for Shinya to count them back in, and ran the whole section over. It went much smoother that time, but Kaoru still stopped them and made them take it again. He’d been increasingly strict in his expectations as the live itself drew nearer. With this being their last rehearsal before soundcheck, the night before the performance, he wasn’t letting them get away with even minor imperfections.

“You understand why I’m being so demanding, right?” Kaoru said.

He ignored Toshiya’s mumbled response of, “_because you’re a huge bag of dicks_,” and looked around at the rest of them until they nodded.

“Good, then let’s take ten.” He was out the door before anyone else had even set down their instruments.

Kyo felt for Toshiya. He’d been receiving the worst of Kaoru’s wrath, after all.

Since Toshiya had taken the time to help Die get situated and caught up on the rhythm guitar parts, his own bass-playing hadn’t been his main focus. The lines were still pretty new to him, and while his ability to adapt was impressive, he was still making more mistakes than Kaoru was comfortable with.

“You know not to take him too seriously, don’t you?” Shinya said to Toshiya. “He gets stressed out and he doesn’t even think about anything other than what he’s working towards.”

“It’s not like it’s _my_ fault he made Kisaki leave the band,” Toshiya said.

“What, you want him back?” Kyo said. “No, thank you.”

“We’re honestly far more cohesive without him,” Shinya said.

“I just mean he doesn’t have to take his stress out on me,” Toshiya sighed. “He creates his own stressful situations.”

Shinya gave him a sympathetic look. “More often than not. Which is why it’s important for you to remember that it’s not about you at all.”

Die nodded vehemently. “It’s not about you. I can’t claim to know Kaoru well, but you sound amazing, and the fact that you had to take over all these bass parts only in the past couple weeks is _mind-blowing_. I don’t know how you do it!”

Toshiya smiled bashfully, and didn’t grumble anymore, even when Kaoru came back in and they resumed practicing.

It was sweet, Kyo thought. Die was such a kind and gentle soul he knew just what to say to improve Toshiya’s mood. Kyo never knew what to say. He’d been friends with Toshiya for years, but he still felt like any attempts he made to comfort him tended to backfire and make him more irritated instead.

He supposed Die just had that kind of natural flair for understanding people and knowing what they needed, and it was nice to see Toshiya accepting his compliments, and not continuing to grouse out of sheer spite.

That is, it _was_ nice, until they finished running one of the few songs that featured Die more prominently, and Toshiya repeated Die’s compliment back to him.

“You’re one to talk—that solo? You only played it for the first time three _days_ ago. _That_ is mind-blowing.”

Die grinned. “Glad you think so.”

Kyo’s eyes narrowed. What was going on here? Whatever it was, he hated it. He was no longer approving of the sweetness, or happy to see Toshiya cheered up. It looked too much like _flirting_, and he wasn’t interested in that for even a second.

Was that really all it took? Die looked at Kyo like he meant something, but the minute he introduced him to new people, he turned and batted his eyelashes at the closest tall, muscular, good-humored hunk of a man in the vicinity?

Kyo had no claim to Die. And certainly it was Die’s right to flirt with whomever he felt like, but Kyo found he was still moping over it when they were packing up for the night.

Toshiya kept giving Kyo these strange little looks, clearly confused as to why he was upset. Which was fair.

“So, where are we going tonight?” Kaoru said, as if going out had already been decided.

Then again, it might have been; Kyo hadn’t been paying attention all that well for the whole end of rehearsal, though at least he’d managed not to miss any of his cues. That was just a disturbing testament to how much he could run on autopilot once he got into performance mode. It was also probably related to how he could never really remember a performance once it was over.

“Die, you’ll come this time, won’t you?” Shinya said. “It’s the night before our debut as Genshitsuu. It’s worth celebrating. And—we are sorry about last time…”

“No, you did nothing wrong,” Die said, shaking his head. “I just, um. It’s not my scene anymore.”

Toshiya looked like he wanted to argue, so Kyo cut him off, “Yeah, I think I’ll actually skip tonight, too. Rest up for tomorrow.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Die said. “I mean, not because of me, right?”

“I’m just not feeling it.” Kyo shrugged. “Just wanna get home.”

Toshiya only looked more distressed. He sighed. “If you guys are sure… Die, you rocked tonight. You’re gonna be great tomorrow.” He clapped him on the shoulder.

Only then did Kyo remember the important detail that Toshiya was, in fact, straight, and had not been flirting with Die at all. Man, this infatuation with Die was really fucking him up.

“You guys have fun, though,” Kyo said, making sure to smile at Toshiya so he’d know he wasn’t still upset with him over literally nothing. “And Shinya, keep an eye on them.”

“I always do,” Shinya said with a polite nod of his head. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to join them?” Die said, a nervous edge to his voice. “I don’t want you to miss out.” 

“Trust me, I’m not missing anything,” Kyo said. “We can head back to the apartment together.”

“I might text you some notes later,” Kaoru said, “so please be sure to check your phone. Die, if I have anything for you, I’ll send it via Kyo.”

“Sounds good,” Die said, and Kyo bit back a laugh at his perplexed facial expression. Sooner or later he would have to learn that that was just how Kaoru was.

They finished their goodnights, and then Kyo and Die were on their way back towards the subway station, the chill night air ruffling Kyo’s hair, while Die’s remained perfect and motionless down his back. Clouds and light pollution kept them from seeing any stars, but a bright cheshire moon grinned down at them and Kyo watched it as they walked.

They went over details for the live the next day as they rode the train, things they’d gone over a dozen times already, like when they needed to be at soundcheck, what additional equipment they wanted to have on-hand.

Then Kyo asked, “What are you going to wear?”

Die seemed to glitch for a second. “Wear?”

“Yeah, wear,” Kyo said. “You know, clothes.” He looked Die up and down. Had he been wearing the same outfit every time he’d seen him? It was such a casual and unassuming look that Kyo truly hadn’t noticed whether it had changed or not.

“I… guess I hadn’t really thought about it…”

“But you _can_ change your clothes, yeah?” Kyo pressed. “I’m assuming, what with the whole existing-as-energy thing, you can more or less wear whatever you want.”

Following that line of thought, Kyo supposed that indicated that _this_ was how Die had _chosen_ to present himself. He had good taste.

Once again he remembered that other version of Die whose reflection he’d seen. Could he look that way, too? Was that how he truly looked, and this ensemble was some kind of glamour? Or had Kyo imagined it in an anxiety-fueled and sleep-deprived moment?

“Well, what are you going to be wearing?” Die asked.

“No, no, no.” Kyo shook his head. “You can’t base your look on me. I never really manage to match the rest of the band.”

“No? Sounds like we need a stylist.”

“We don’t even have a manager,” Kyo pointed out. “One staffing issue at a time.”

“Maybe I could get Kaoru the contact info for my old group’s manager,” Die mused.

“You don’t think that could create some conflict of interest? Or at the very least be really fucking awkward.”

“Oh, hm, you might be right about that.”

They were almost back to Kyo’s apartment building, walking a bit slower as they approached it.

“Then what are the others going to wear?” Die said, following Kyo into the building’s elevator.

Kyo puffed up his cheeks and blew out the air. “I really couldn’t say. It tends to be a kind of free-for-all. Shinya’s usually in white, looking like he’s never seen a rock venue in his life… Toshiya alternates between skirts and some muscle-baring get-up, and Kaoru…” He trailed off with a grimace, and Die laughed.

“So I have a fair amount of wiggle room.”

“Definitely,” Kyo said. They stepped out onto their floor and moved down the hall towards their unit. “If you want, we could pick out something for you—do a kind of fashion show, try a bunch of stuff. I have a full-length mirror in my room, we can see what—”

“No, that’s all right,” Die said, his eyebrows drawn down. “I’m. I’m sure I can figure something out on my own. But I appreciate the offer.”

“Yeah, no problem,” Kyo said. He was a little thrown by Die’s response, but he tried to shrug it off as he got the door to the apartment open. “To tell the truth, I probably just want to go straight to bed.”

Die chuckled. “I just might join you.” His eyes went wide. “I mean! I mean, I know, what you mean. I am also tired.” He swept into the apartment, crackling the air around Kyo as he passed.

“I thought you said you don’t sleep,” Kyo said as he bent to untie his sneakers.

“I don’t need to sleep.” Die’s voice was drifting from the dark living room, which seemed to be where he was most comfortable, based on how often he appeared there. “But I can go into a… maybe it’s more a kind of meditative state. If I focus my energy right. It helps me feel more rested, I guess you’d say.”

“Mm, rested,” Kyo yawned. “Gotta get me some of that.” He shuffled into the bathroom to start brushing his teeth, only to be called back out by Die’s voice.

“You should have gone out with them.”

“Ha?” Kyo managed around a mouthful of toothbrush.

“They’re your friends,” Die said. “You shouldn’t be here with me instead of with them.”

“You’re my friend, too,” Kyo mumbled before spitting in the sink. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Besides, it’s not like I opted out just because I felt bad for you or something.”

Die was staring when Kyo came back out of the bathroom. “I’m your friend?”

“Well, yeah.” Kyo went about emptying his pockets, stripping out of his jeans shamelessly and pulling on his sleep pants. He put his phone on the nightstand to charge overnight and moved to sit on his bed. “And, you know, they want to be friends with you, too. That’s why they keep pushing, trying to convince you to go drinking with them. They’re not just being annoying—I mean, they are, but they want to know you.” He shrugged. “I want to know you, too.”

Die looked strange, standing in his bedroom, too tall and awkward. He seemed to sense that, because he sat down on the floor, leaned his back against the wall. “There’s not… What do you want to know?”

Kyo shifted around, getting under the covers. He didn’t know what to say, how to tell Die that he wanted to know _everything_ about him, but that it felt wrong to pry into anything about when he’d been alive. “Whatever you feel comfortable telling me. Is it okay to turn off the light?” He waited for Die to nod before clicking off the ceiling light over his bed and lying down.

Die didn’t say anything, made no sound at all, and not knowing for sure that he was there almost made it easier to talk to him.

Kyo looked up towards the ceiling that he couldn’t make out in the dark. “I have a lot of questions. Of course I do. About who you _were_ and about what happened to you, about why you’re here now. But you don’t have to share more than you want to.”

There was a pause, then Die’s voice, “You can ask me anything. I’ll answer you.”

The implication was clear, that Die might not have answered someone else, but was willing to hear out Kyo, specifically. Still, Kyo said, “None of it really matters.”

Kyo closed his eyes, listened. He wanted to know if Die breathed, if he could hear it in the otherwise silent room, but there was nothing. He might as well have been alone.

Then Die said, “I still think you should have gone out with them.”

Kyo’s eyes snapped open. “Are you serious? What, I’m boring you, you wanna get rid of me or something?”

“No,” Die said. “Just… I’m not… Going out is a good time for you to unwind, and I’d hate to be the reason you don’t get to have that.”

“I told you, you’re not,” Kyo said. “I actually hardly ever go out with them anyway. I don’t really drink, so it’s not that interesting to me.”

“The other night was a special occasion, then?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said. “You joining the band seemed really worth celebrating, so I went with them. It’s still not like I was out getting drunk, though.”

“Really?” There was a peculiar skepticism to Die’s voice. “So when you came home you were totally sober?”

“Sure, sober. Just also really fucking tired.”

“Hmm. Sometimes that can be worse.”

“I don’t disagree,” Kyo said, huffing out a laugh. He rolled onto his side. He still couldn’t see Die, even though his eyes had adjusted somewhat to the dark. But in spite of that, he felt secure in the knowledge that he was there. He could _feel_ his presence, the cold burn of him filling the room, making Kyo feel protected. He let his eyes close again, his hands curled loosely, free of the tension he was so used to carrying.

And he had almost drifted off when Die spoke again, his voice hardly even a whisper.

“It was my fault.”

Kyo waited, not 100% sure he’d really heard the words and not dreamed them.

“That night. I was the one driving, and I shouldn’t have been,” Die continued distantly. “It was an accident, but there’s no one to blame but myself.”

Kyo opened his eyes, trying again to focus in the blackness of the room. Die’s death. Without Kyo even asking, Die was confessing something so painfully intimate, and Kyo was afraid to even breathe in case it came across as an interruption.

“I wasn’t drunk,” Die said, and it was hard, bordering on defensive, despite the fact that Kyo wouldn’t have ever accused him of such a thing. “I know what people thought, and I know that I usually had too much, but never when I was driving. And that night I didn’t have a single drink. I was—Designated Driver.”

Kyo could tell that was the worst part of it for Die, that was the detail that made the whole thing worse than merely dying. If he’d been the designated driver, he’d been responsible for more than just himself. There had been other people in the car.

“It was after a gig. The whole band was out celebrating, and it was my turn to stay sober. I was knocking back grapefruit juices all night, and everyone was happy, we thought… We thought we were going places. That it was just the _start_ of everything. And then we left the izakaya, and I hadn’t even touched alcohol, but… It was still my fault.”

Kyo realized he was clenching the bedsheet in his fist, tight enough to strain the fabric. He wanted to be able to see Die, but he wasn’t sure he’d have been able to even with the lights on. There was something so far away about his voice.

Wetting his lips, Kyo asked, “What happened?”

“I was tired,” Die said, followed by a dry chuckle. “I was _exhausted_, and I fell asleep at the wheel, lost control of the car. Next thing I knew, I was looking at myself from the outside, my head split open, the angle of my neck all… wrong.” He swallowed audibly. “I didn’t survive the crash.”

Kyo kept his voice soft, careful. “And the others?”

“I had my whole band in the van,” Die said. “But I was the only one who died. I deserved it.”

“Die…” Kyo clutched at the sheets even harder. It hurt to hear Die talk like that. It was familiar and it was wrong.

“I did,” Die insisted. “I had a responsibility to all of them, and I fucked everything up in _the_ most irreparable way there is. I should have been chugging _coffee_ all night, to keep myself awake. I should have told them, no, I’m _too tired_ to drive, I should have pulled over and rested until I was alert enough to go on.”

“Maybe you should have,” Kyo said gently. “But you didn’t. And torturing yourself for that fact now won’t change it.” He pushed himself to sit up, wrapped his arms loosely around his knees. “You made a mistake, and I’d say you’ve paid for it.”

“So did everyone else,” Die said. “Two of my old bandmates ended up badly injured enough that they might never play again. The other two fared better, but there was no one in that van who didn’t suffer.”

“You were able to find out what happened to them?”

“At the beginning… It was hard to step back. I felt—I _was_ responsible. I didn’t know what had happened at first, what I—was. I saw myself there, and I couldn’t process it. I could only react, put every drop of energy I had into dragging everyone else out of the van before it caught fire. I couldn't even call for help. They were too badly injured for me to help more than that, and that was because of me. I still couldn’t let go—I saw all of them, in the hospital. But they couldn’t see me.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t move around this realm freely,” Kyo said.

“Not on my own,” Die said. “But I was never alone. I was always with _them_—and I guess I _was_ always alone, too.” A quiet sniff sounded in the dark room. “The real reason I didn’t go to my funeral was that I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to see who came, didn’t want to know how angry they were. I destroyed people’s careers, ruined their lives—my _friends_. I couldn’t face them, so I kept my distance, let my connections to everyone I knew fade. Let them go on without me.”

“That’s why you came back here. That’s the only reason I was even able to know you.”

“I still can’t face them.”

Kyo chewed his lip thoughtfully. “You… saved their lives.”

“Lives that _I_ endangered,” Die said, or _snarled_, if Kyo was honest. He’d never heard him sound like that before.

“Fine,” Kyo said. “Then don’t face them. They probably don’t need any closure anyway, right? They’ve all moved on without you.” He hadn’t meant to react with anger of his own. It was misplaced, and he knew that, but he’d never taken it well when someone raised their voice to him. Sighing, Kyo lay back down. “Die, I’m grateful to know you. I’m glad you came into my life, no matter how tragic the circumstances. This is where we are now, and we couldn’t have gotten here any other way.” He closed his eyes. “Tomorrow we have a performance to give, so let’s get some rest, yeah?”

He waited for Die’s response, but it never came, and as Kyo finally fell asleep, he found he could no longer sense that protective presence that meant Die was nearby.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3 hello, hope everyone's doing well~  
Hmm, more angst? Possiblyyyy

The loud vibrations of an incoming call on his phone startled Kyo awake earlier than he would have liked, and it took him a few tries to actually pick up the device and hit the “answer” icon.

He couldn’t do better than a grumbled, wordless noise to announce he was listening.

“…Is that supposed to be like ‘hello’?” It was Toshiya, because of course it was.

“It’s more like, ‘I don’t want to be awake.’”

“Yeah, geez, you went home early, but you sound worse than _me_.”

“Was there a reason for your call?” Kyo growled.

“I’d say it seems like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, but you obviously haven’t even _gotten_ out of bed,” Toshiya said. “I called to see if you can bring that extra mic cable. I was gonna bring mine, but I must’ve left it somewhere, ‘cause it’s not in my closet.”

Kyo squeezed his eyes shut. “Um, yeah, I think you left it _here_.”

“Oh, perfect. Can you bring that one, then?”

“Isn’t the venue gonna have all that shit?”

“Yes, but you know Kaoru,” Toshiya said with a sigh. “He’s paranoid and I don’t blame him. It doesn’t hurt to come prepared for the worst.”

“Right,” Kyo said. “Yeah, no problem, I’ll bring it.”

“Thanks.” Toshiya paused. “So, are you gonna go back to sleep, or…? It’s only a couple hours till we’re supposed to be there for soundcheck.”

“No, yeah, I’m getting up. Here I go right now, being awake.” Kyo willed himself to sit up. It didn’t work.

“Okay… Well, good luck with that,” Toshiya said. “I’ll see you there?”

“Mmhmm. See you.” Kyo disconnected the call and rubbed both hands over his face, hoping to clear away some of the sleepiness. It worked a little.

As he sat up, his gaze immediately fell on the spot against the wall where Die had been sitting the night before. There was no sign of him there now, and even when Kyo got up and moved around the apartment, he was nowhere to be found.

It was unsettling, but Kyo wasn’t willing to let it worry him yet. It was the day of the gig. Maybe Die just needed a little extra time meditating in his non-corporeal realm before he felt ready to get onstage. Everyone had their own rituals.

Kyo focused on himself, showering and doing a few vocal warmups. It didn’t take long for his jumble of thoughts to return to his conversation with Die from the previous night.

He supposed it could have been something much worse than a car accident, and he was really sort of touched that Die felt he could trust Kyo enough to share the details with him at all. But it had been painful to hear Die’s guilt over the matter, something so deeply felt that even dying hadn’t assuaged it. Maybe it was easier for Die to be angry with himself than to grieve for everything he had lost, easier to think everyone he’d known hated him than to consider how much they might _miss_ him.

He could picture Die as he’d described himself—as Kyo had seen him reflected in the mirror—broken and bloody, the only one left to burn up in a mangled vehicle. What could the others have thought, unable to see or know what force had pulled them from the wreckage? Did they feel that same presence that Kyo felt when Die was around; could they have suspected that their friend had helped them, even from beyond the grave?

It hurt to think that Die wasn’t willing to allow himself that peace of mind, of making contact with people he’d actually known, of resolving whatever he’d left unsaid, just out of fear and self-loathing.

And yet, even having been through all of that—dying, losing everyone and everything—Die was… _warm_. He smiled and he created, he was guarded but not walled-off. He was willing to hear Kyo’s questions and respond to them, and he’d already gotten closer to Kyo than Kyo generally allowed anyone. He was dead but he was far more socially competent than Kyo himself.

Except for how even as Kyo came out of the fogged-up bathroom, Die still hadn’t reappeared.

Kyo knew it was at least partly his own fault. Die had opened up to him, and while he’d been vulnerable, Kyo had gone about communicating all wrong, been sharp and thoughtless instead of tactful and understanding. He’d pushed Die away instead of welcoming him into his arms, berated him when he’d needed support, and now Die was lost in some void instead of there getting ready for the live.

Everything else was prepared. Kyo made sure his hair and makeup supplies were in his bag with his change of clothes, and put the mic cable Toshiya had requested there ready to take out the door. Time was running out, though, and there was no sign of Die.

They’d been over it. Die knew what time he needed to be back, but that didn’t mean much when he’d also said that he had no concept of time or anything else when he existed in the other realm. And they’d never worked out a way to call him back.

And if Kyo had been too hard on him, maybe he didn’t even _want_ to show up for the live.

Still, much as Kyo loved to blame himself, he also knew that Die had made a commitment, to him and to the rest of the band, and if nothing else, Die sure seemed like someone who valued loyalty.

Kyo paced around the apartment for a few more minutes, and then texted Kaoru.

**[k]:** _Might be a little late but no worries, start soundcheck w/o us if necessary_

He sent it with some amount of trepidation. He didn’t want to worry Kaoru, after all. The last thing he needed was for Kaoru to start panicking before they even got there. But soundcheck, important as it was, would suffer less from Kyo and Die’s absence than from anyone else’s; Kyo hated participating in the little tech rehearsals anyway, and Die’s guitars, merely an extension of his own energy, might not have even been connected to the sound system in reality, so checking his levels was probably more for show than anything else.

As expected, Kaoru wrote back quickly.

**[K]:** _What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Do you need me to come pick you up?_

Kyo worried his lip as he mulled over the offer. It might buy him some time if he didn’t have to rely on public transportation, but would likely create a much larger problem if Kaoru ended up being late to soundcheck.

He replied with a half-truth.

**[k]: **_Nothing’s wrong, just having trouble finding something I need for the show. Don’t worry though, I’ll come asap._

With that, he went back to pacing from room to room. He switched the television on, in case it might lure Die home. He was running out of time to make even the train that would get him there a little bit later. He knew he couldn’t leave without Die because he might never find his way to the venue without Kyo, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could afford to wait for him.

Checking the time on his phone for the nth time, Kyo sighed and went back into his room to gather his keys and wallet from the dresser, where he’d emptied his pockets the night before. He crammed both into a zippered pouch of his bag, and then spotted Die’s note lying there, too.

He picked up the paper, battered and torn along one edge, stained and faded from riding around in Kyo’s pocket the past week. His thumb rubbed fondly over Die’s name as it had so many times, and he allowed himself to realize how truly _sad_ he would feel if Die didn’t come back, if he’d actually _lost_ him, and over something that was so much _nothing_.

“Please come back, Die,” he whispered, his eyes closing. “Come back to me.”

There was a chill in the air, and Kyo wrapped his arms around himself before he opened his eyes and found he was fact to, well, _chest_, with someone—with, obviously, _Die._

It took a good deal of blinking, willing away tears that Kyo wasn’t interested in admitting had started forming, but eventually he looked up at Die’s face, saw him looking back with a kind of sullen curiosity.

“How did you do that?” Die asked, and Kyo counted it as a blessing that he didn’t seem _angry_, that he didn’t just vanish again as soon as he appeared.

“Do what?” Kyo said.

“You… summoned me.” Die’s eyes flitted to Kyo’s hand. “What’s that you have?”

Kyo’s hand tightened around the slip of paper protectively. “Nothing. It’s my note you wrote me.”

Die arched an eyebrow. “You still have that?”

“I always have it,” Kyo mumbled.

Die’s expression softened. “Well, it worked.”

“I was worried you wouldn’t come back,” Kyo said. He knew they didn’t exactly have time or some touching reunion or a heartfelt conversation, but he needed Die to know how much it meant just to see him. “I thought…”

“You called me back,” Die said.

“We’re late,” Kyo said. “For soundcheck.”

Die’s eyes widened. “Oh shit. Why didn’t you say that to begin with?” He was headed for the door before Kyo could think of any reason he shouldn’t be, and in some feat that Kyo was tempted to attribute to Die’s supernatural abilities, they made it to the train in time.

The atmosphere between them wasn’t quite as it had been. There was no joking away on the subway, or laughing at the other passengers. They both kept quiet and to themselves, and Kyo cursed himself for making things awkward when they had been so comfortable.

It wasn’t until they transferred to their last train that Die even addressed Kyo, “I’m not mad.”

Kyo looked at him in surprise. “No?”

“I’m sorry if it seems like I am.”

“It kinda does,” Kyo admitted.

Die shook his head. “I know I come off that way sometimes, when I don’t know how to handle my emotions well. It’s not you I’m angry with, though; if it’s anyone, it’s me.”

“And I get that,” Kyo said. “After what you told me, I can definitely understand the… regret, the anger that you have towards yourself.” He adjusted his grip on the overhead strap he was holding. “Look, Die, I could tell you… a bunch of bullshit about self-compassion and forgiveness. I’ve been to enough therapy to have heard it all before. And maybe it wouldn’t help, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe once you’ve died you’ve missed your window of opportunity for healing.”

Die looked down at his shoes, said nothing.

“But you know… Accidents are part of being a person. And if it had been one of your bandmates driving, if _he_ had crashed, and _you_ had been injured, would you carry on punishing him the way you’re punishing yourself?”

Die looked up. “I wouldn’t punish him.”

“‘Cause it was an accident,” Kyo said. “You’d forgive him.”

Die nodded.

Kyo shrugged. “That’s all I’m saying.”

Eveyone was already onstage for soundcheck by the time Kyo and Die arrived.

“What kept you?” Kaoru demanded, but Kyo waved him off and took his place in front of the mic.

Once he’d lowered the stand significantly so it was at an appropriate height for him, Kyo got the go-ahead from the sound technician to check his levels, making sure to use the breadth of his range that he’d be using during the set. It took some adjustments, but in time everyone had things set as they needed them, and the band was dismissed back to the venue’s backstage area to get ready.

“We were just startin’ to get worried,” Toshiya said to Kyo as they all crowded into the single dressing room.

“I was, too,” Kyo said. He lowered his voice to add, “Die wasn’t in the apartment when I woke up. We kind of argued last night, and I think it… I don’t know, man, fucked up his energies.”

“You… argued with your ghost roommate?” Toshiya said, bemused. “What, over who was taking the trash out, or…?”

Kyo rolled his eyes, but changed his mind just before he told Toshiya any details of the argument. “It was kind of personal.”

Toshiya tilted his head and raised his eyebrows slowly. “You know, this might not be the time to ask,” he said, his eyes darting around the room to the other band members, “but is there possibly more to your, ah, relationship with Die than you’ve let me in on?”

There really _wasn’t_. Nothing was _going on_ between them, and for all the actual evidence Kyo had, Die might not even be into men. Then again, Kyo hadn’t shared much with Toshiya about his own feelings for Die, which he could hardly deny were growing with every passing day. He patted Toshiya on the shoulder. “You’re right. It’s not the time to ask.”

Toshiya was left gaping after him as he went to start styling his hair.

Kyo couldn’t help noticing throughout the whole process of getting the band stage-ready, Die was sitting off all the way to one side of the room, doing absolutely nothing. His hair already looked perfect, he didn’t have a phone to play on. He didn’t really need to stretch his hands or arms like Shinya, and he didn’t require food, so he wasn’t having a snack like Toshiya rushed to do the moment Kyo released him from the styling chair in front of the mirror. Kaoru was in and out of the room, checking things, talking to people, smoking. When Kyo had finished Toshiya’s hair, and tidied up the counterspace, he came to stand before Die, who hadn’t moved from where he sat with his eyes closed.

“Can I get you a book or something?” Kyo offered, and Die opened his eyes to look up at him.

“I’m fine for the moment, but thank you.”

“Meditating again?”

One side of Die’s mouth curved up. “Trying to.”

Kyo leaned one hip against the makeup counter. “Still so difficult to find peace, even in death, eh?”

“Harder, I think,” Die said.

“Then again, I’m not sure your experience is exactly typical,” Kyo said. “It’s tough to say, when I haven’t met any other ghosts.” He shrugged one shoulder. “Or maybe I have, and haven’t even noticed that’s what they were.”

“I doubt it,” Die said. “My being here—your seeing me in the first place—was a… set of circumstances.”

“Yeah, I guess it was,” Kyo said, somewhat amused by the vagueness of Die’s word choice.

Die closed his eyes again, rolled his shoulders back. “Do you get nervous before shows?”

“Yes, and no,” Kyo said. “Once I’m onstage it’s fine, but if I think about it too much before I go out there, I can wind up really… discouraged.”

Die’s brows knit together as he looked up at him. “Discouraged how?”

Kyo gestured sort of uselessly and then crossed his arms over his chest. “The usual ways. About all of it, that it’s pointless, and I can’t reach anyone with what I’m singing, that I’m kidding myself pretending it’s worth carrying on instead of admitting I have no talent.” His voice had gotten very soft by the end of it. Even though the nearest other person was Shinya and his headphones were on, Kyo didn’t want to risk the others overhearing him.

Die, meanwhile, was making a face Kyo had never seen on him before, halfway between quietly puzzled and completely enraged. “What the fuck are you _talking _about? Kyo, Christ, I haven’t said much about it because I didn’t really think I _needed_ to, but I have never heard anyone who can sing like you.”

Kyo scoffed dismissively, but Die only got more serious.

“_No_, Kyo, look at me.”

He did. Die’s eyes were alight, the dark brown dancing with those same sparks Kyo felt whenever his hand brushed Die’s.

“It’s impolite, and maybe I’ll go to hell for saying it, since my driving ended up breaking the guy’s collarbone, but my old vocalist?” Die shook his head. “He was great, and I never thought he was lacking in anything, but I can’t even _compare_ him to you.”

“C’mon, stop,” Kyo said, unable to maintain that kind of eye contact.

“I’m just telling you the truth,” Die said. “The first time I got to really hear you, I was so blown away that I forgot how to play an E minor and we had to stop the whole song, remember?”

Kyo squirmed. He was uncomfortable, felt trapped. Part of him was basking happily in the way Die was talking about him, but mostly he just wanted to get away from it. Die was sweet, but he was wrong; he didn’t know Kyo that well, didn’t know how often he fucked up, or how his lyrics had lost the band gigs more than once in the past.

“The raw emotion that comes out of you, crooning or screaming or anything in-between,” Die was saying, “It’s, like, _piercing_, it fucking _hurts_, and I mean that in the best possible—”

“I said _stop_,” Kyo snapped. There was a loud rushing in his ears that was making it hard to focus. Die was wrong, why didn’t he know how wrong he was?

“But—”

“But nothing,” Kyo said. “I’m not Toshiya, you can’t just suck up to me with a bunch of people-pleasing compliments.”

Die stared at him, mouth hanging open. “That’s not what I was—what does Toshiya have to do with anything?!”

“I just wanted to let you know that he’s _straight_, since you seem to have missed that memo,” Kyo said, and he hated himself as soon as it was out of his mouth. 

Die’s cheeks colored noticeably. “I wasn’t—I didn’t ever—”

“Yeah, right, like you weren’t flirting with him just the other day?” Kyo said skeptically. He wished he could stop talking but he’d already lost control of that function. He hadn’t meant to bring up Toshiya, certainly not in a way that seemed to challenge or demean Die’s sexuality, but it was already too late to start taking things back, and Die’s eyes still had those sparks of light flickering in them.

“I assure you, I was not,” Die said through bared teeth. “I don’t even know what incident you’re referring to—but what bothers me more is, why? Why do you care? Is there such a huge problem if I _was_ flirting with him?”

Kyo’s jaw tightened. “Just that I told you, he’s not—”

“And that could be an issue then between me and _him_,” Die said. “So what’s _your_ deal with it? You have something against guys who like other guys?”

Kyo was unable to do more than make a loud, possibly embarrassing sound, kind of like the snort of a large piece of machinery, and then he was turning and stalking out of the dressing room and moving to sit in a chair in the hall instead.

He knew he couldn’t actually be mad at Die. He’d been the one to pick the fight in the first place, and for no good reason whatsoever, since Die had only been being nice to him.

And he _knew_ he had no right to get jealous over how Die talked to Toshiya, but once he started going downhill, it was harder and harder to find the brakes.

There Die had been, misguidedly praising how talented Kyo was, not realizing he was in fact a genuine certified Mess, while not five meters away, Toshiya, who was _legitimately_ talented—could play multiple instruments, composed music worth hearing, had some goddamn fucking social skills—sat chomping away at his banana, blatantly phallic in spite of his well-established heterosexuality, and it had just been too much for Kyo to stand by and allow.

Kyo was deeply ashamed of how he’d acted, but he couldn’t very well go charging back into the dressing room and say that at this point. All there really was to do was get through the evening’s performance and hope that Die wouldn’t be too angry to hear him out when it was over.

Tipping his head back against the wall, Kyo closed his eyes. He remembered Shinya’s warning to him, not to get so emotionally invested in Die when he knew perfectly well there was nothing there for him but heartache. He’d never been that good at listening to advice, even from someone as wise as Shinya, and somewhere, thinking he still had control of the situation, he’d lost scope of things entirely, and let Die come creeping right into his heart.

The sound of voices talking and laughing had Kyo’s eyes opening, and he found Kaoru coming inside from where he’d been out smoking, walking along the hall with one of the venue’s sound technicians. They parted ways as the tech left to go back to work, and Kaoru spotted Kyo and came over.

“You’re ready early,” he commented.

“Finished Toshiya’s hair, too,” Kyo said. He was getting antsy for the actual live to start, but showtime wasn’t for another thirty minutes, and he knew they weren’t even the first band on.

“Strange for us to be on top of things for once, isn’t it?” Kaoru chuckled and sat in the chair beside Kyo. “I know that’s thanks to Die, and thanks to you.”

Kyo shook his head. He didn’t deserve any thanks at the moment.

“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. I understand that you consider his death and any surrounding details to be personal and not open to discussion,” Kaoru said. “I respect that, and I think it’s admirable on your part, that you’re so protective of him.” He paused, looking at the wall across from them. “I just want you to be prepared… If our aim is recognition, a wider audience, there could be a lot of questions brought up.”

Kyo nodded slowly. Somewhere in his mind he’d already foreseen that inevitability. He had to assume that it was something Die had thought about, too.

“Outside of that,” Kaoru said, “I do feel that our sound, with the incorporation of Die and his ideas, is the strongest it’s ever been, and if possible I’d like us to start thinking about recording for our EP.”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. An EP was something Kaoru had made a lot of noise about before, but he’d never heard him sounding so serious about it. He supposed it made sense, if Die really was setting them more firmly in this new direction. He wondered if Kaoru would still be feeling so gung-ho after the gig was over.

Kaoru went on for a bit about recording studios and schedules, and Kyo started to space out. If it was important, he’d hear it all again later anyway.

It wasn’t exactly spacing out, though—it was concentrating, just not on Kaoru’s words. The truth was he had started to feel that all-too-familiar, dark kind of panic, wrapping cold tendrils around him, his wrists, his spine. There was an itch in his palms, a sharp pain behind his eyes, and he knew it all intimately, but he didn’t have the time to deal with it now. There was nothing readily available for him to sufficiently satisfy the overwhelming need to do _something_—to hurt himself. To bleed.

He’d been clean for months, hadn’t reverted to his usual self-harm habits, and he didn’t want to break his streak now, but there was still something like a high-pitched static inside his brain that he knew there was no other way to cut through.

Difficult as it was to focus on anything else, Kyo did his utmost to think about the show ahead of him, and to get himself into the proper headspace for making that music.

After a while, Kaoru had to stop talking because the first band was going on and it was all quiet backstage. Kyo found it a little easier to exist in the moment instead of inside his own head when he could hear the other band playing their set. They were okay, but Kyo didn’t care for the vocalist’s style.

During the set, the rest of the band gradually came out of the dressing room and took their seats in the hall. There wan’t any available chair next to Kyo, since Kaoru was already sitting by him, and he felt sort of relieved, because there was already some awkward shift in atmosphere just in the others coming out.

Die sat in the chair directly across the hall from Kyo, and he was frowning, though he didn’t actually meet Kyo’s eye. Kyo realized he had changed into what must have been his concert attire. He sort of regretted that he’d missed the transformation, but for the most part he figured it was for the best, given that just seeing him in his new outfit had Kyo’s heart tripping over itself.

It wasn’t anything over the top; it was actually very understated, just black jeans tucked into some heavy boots, with a dark red shirt, halfway unbuttoned, and with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

It was hard for Kyo to tear his eyes away from the expanse of Die’s pale chest as it was revealed by his open shirt. There was no particularly impressive musculature showing, and yet Kyo had to think Die had no right to look so damn good.

But at the same time, Kyo didn’t have any right to sit there admiring him when he’d just gone and picked a fight with him earlier. He got a grip on himself and spent most of their time sitting there staring at the floor in front of his shoes, memorizing the cracks in the hardwood.

Before long, the other band was finishing, and they were up, preparing to go out onstage. Kaoru gathered them all into a huddle and spoke some words of encouragement that Kyo didn’t find especially memorable. He brought his hand to the middle of their little circle and waited for everyone else’s to stack on top. Kyo swallowed as Die laid his hand over his own, and he was stuck by how large it was in comparison. The crackle of electricity was brief before they all threw their hands up again with a cheer, and then they were walking out onto the still-dark stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I will stop making Toshiya eat bananas only when I am dead


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is so much. I'm having serious thoughts about making some large-scale changes in my life and it is scary and exciting. I'm sure if I do I'll tell you guys more about it. In the meantime, it just means I am busy, but I will try to keep updates regular!!

Kaoru had been adamant that they start off their set with something high-energy. Stuck as they were between two other bands, he wanted to make sure they grabbed the audience’s attention from the get-go, and then packed more emotional punch a couple songs in.

Kyo kept that in mind as he quite literally threw his body into their opening number, roaring and shrieking with a fury he never managed to reach in rehearsals. The actual live was different, it was real, and Kyo wasn’t Kyo anymore, and all that existed was this connection with the audience, this communication with them.

The set progressed, and in the third song, Kyo let himself hit new emotional lows with his performance, finding the comforting opportunity to scratch and claw at his own bare chest until he drew blood. By the end of that number, he felt calmer than he had since back in the dressing room, and he was grateful for the moment of quiet as the band switched some of their gear, and he knelt by the drum platform, drinking from his water bottle.

The quiet didn’t last, as the lights came back up and the audience screamed.

Not screamed as in cheered, but screamed as in, _how the hell was that guitar just floating on the stage with no one holding it!?_

Kyo looked at where Die was supposed to be in some alarm. This hadn’t been part of the plan, even as they’d discussed a few show-offy ghost tricks he might whip out onstage. This had never been on the table, and honestly Kyo hadn’t even known it was something Die could do.

The crowd only screamed more as that floating guitar seemingly began to play itself, starting the intro for the next song.

So, Die was still there; his energy was just manifesting in some fucked-up way, and Kyo couldn’t struggle to understand it or he would miss his cue to start singing.

Gradually, Die reappeared, and in response, the audience got wilder. Kyo couldn’t help noticing Die looked rather embarrassed as he came back into focus, that he hung his head forward as if his long hair might hide his face from scrutiny.

The rest of the show went more or less as planned. Kaoru and Toshiya played up some cute moments on their side of the stage, Kyo spoke to the audience just enough to keep them riled up, and in the final song, Die did his levitating bit, getting so into it that the stage lights flickered.

All in all, it was a total success. The crowd was still screaming for an encore as they returned to the dressing room, but they weren’t permitted to give once, since there was one more band performing after them, and they were pressed for time.

The lack of encore didn’t dampen the band’s spirits at all, and they were all pretty much giddy as they stood around cleaning off makeup and brushing out their hair.

“That was fantastic,” Kaoru said. “I have no doubt that we’ll be receiving calls for more opportunities. This show was everything we needed it to be.”

“Yes, because of Die and his amazing feats,” Shinya said. “That was… impressive.”

“Yeah, never saw you do that one before!” Toshiya chimed in. “Where you went invisible except for the guitar? That was rad.”

Kyo didn’t say anything. He still didn’t feel like he was allowed to talk to Die, and even if he was, it felt strange to heap praise upon him for something like that. In his experience, fluctuations in Die’s energy of that sort were more often a sign of some emotional distress or loss of concentration, and he saw it more as a potential call for concern than some neat parlor trick.

Besides, he was a little preoccupied with confronting his own reflection in the mirror. In the heat of the moment, he hadn’t realized just how badly he’d ripped into himself, but in the dressing room lights there was no ignoring the blood he’d left running down his chest.

He only stood dabbing at it for a minute or two before he excused himself to use the venue’s showers and let the harsh spray of scalding water wash makeup, sweat, and blood alike down the drain. He hissed appreciatively at the sting as the water hit the fresh cuts crisscrossing his ribs and pectorals. It was worse than he’d noticed when he’d been doing it, but somehow it was just what he’d needed. It had appeased something inside him, so that he wasn’t searching desperately for the nearest sharp utensil any longer, and with the added bonus of having been an Onstage Thing it was possible that he wouldn’t get any shit about it from his bandmates—or at the very least _less_ than he would have if it hadn’t been part of the performance.

He dressed in clean clothes and returned to the dressing room wondering whether Die would still be there. Perhaps he’d have saved him the trouble of an uncomfortable conversation and just gone back to the apartment himself, or even to his other realm.

It wasn’t that Kyo wanted to be rid of him, he just didn’t know how to begin to explain his earlier behavior, especially not without sharing more about his feelings for Die than he was keen on doing. Die hadn’t seemed like he was still angry, but Kyo had noticed during their huddle backstage the way Die’s eyes had continually flitted back and forth between him and Toshiya, so obviously he’d kept in mind what Kyo had so foolishly said.

The whole band was still in the dressing room when Kyo walked in, and he didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Kaoru says we have to celebrate,” Toshiya announced.

Kaoru looked affronted. “I was not the only one saying that. It just seems like it was such a great live…”

“Die must think it’s all we ever do, go out drinking,” Shinya said, though Kyo noticed his eyes were actually following _him_ as he crossed to his bag.

Die laughed, and the sound startled Kyo enough that he looked over at him. “It’s fine, it’s how I spent a lot of my time when I was alive, believe me.” There was something off about his smile, something sad behind the mask of good humor he wore for the band, and it made Kyo’s insides twist.

“Does that mean you’ll come out with us this time?” Kaoru asked, clearly hopeful, though he tried to make it sound like a throw-away question.

“You guys, you _just _invited him _last night_, and he wasn’t into it,” Kyo said. “Maybe you should back off.” It was possible that he should have just kept quiet, but he didn’t feel able. Knowing what he did now about the night that Die’s life had ended, it only made sense that Die wouldn’t want to go out drinking with his bandmates. It probably felt too much like that terrible memory, was too triggering. Could ghosts be diagnosed with PTSD?

“We know,” Toshiya said hurriedly. “It’s just that our very first performance as a band… It’s kind of a one-time special event…”

“I’m grateful for the offer,” Die said. “I doubt that I’ll ever want to join you guys out for a night of drinking, but. It’s kind of nice to be invited anyway. Makes me feel wanted.” He grinned, and the others laughed.

“I’m sure you are after tonight,” Kaoru said. “Did you hear the way those girls were screaming?”

“Of course he did, Kao, he’s _dead_, not deaf,” Toshiya said, rolling his eyes.

“You mean the shrieks of terror?” Die said dubiously. “Oh, yeah, they sounded really… interested.”

“No, no, not when they saw _Kyo_,” Toshiya said. “We mean when they saw _you_!”

“And when they _couldn’t_ see you,” Kaoru added.

“I think the screams were more positive than you imagined them to be,” Shinya said.

“Oh, definitely,” Toshiya said. He nudged Kyo with his elbow. “You’re being awfully quiet, c’mon, tell Die the screaming meant they loved it.”

Kyo turned to face Die. He’d been avoiding eye contact, and now that he made it it was hard to get any words out. He gave a stiff nod. “You were phenomenal.”

That seemed to create a highly uncomfortable silence in the room, and Toshiya had to clear his throat to get them all to move on.

“So then! Kaoru’s driving, yeah?”

“Again?” Kaoru complained. “No, I want to drink tonight, let’s just get a cab.”

They were all starting to file out of the dressing room, but Shinya made sure to stop by Kyo, and pressed a small tube of ointment into his hand.

“At least take proper care of them?” He raised his eyebrows, glanced pointedly at Kyo’s now-clothed chest, and walked out with the others, his bag slung over his shoulder.

That left Kyo alone with Die, and he wasn’t ready for it, so he scrambled to get any remaining items stuffed into his own bag, and hurried after Shinya before Die could speak a word.

He didn’t have to go far to catch up with the others; the whole band had stopped just outside the door on the side of the building that led to the parking lot, having run into an obstacle: Kisaki.

He was looking down on them in his rather serpentine manner that could only be achieved by his wearing almost comically high platforms.

“I was surprised you went ahead and had the gig, what with losing a band member and everything,” Kisaki was saying. “Doesn’t seem to have set you back too much, does it?”

“No, I’d say we’re stronger than ever,” Kaoru said.

Kisaki gave him a condescending sort of smile. “I’m not sure what your image is supposed to be now… This new guy is meant to be, what, some sort of spirit? Isn’t that a bit much? Of course it’s amusing to think that you really couldn’t find a single living person willing to join your group.”

“It’s not that we were desperate,” Toshiya said, his shoulders squared. “Die is a terrific guitarist.”

“Oh, certainly,” Kisaki said. “Much better than you could have done, hm?”

“He didn’t struggle any to take over your bass lines, Kisaki,” Kaoru said sharply.

“No, I suppose I should be proud of him,” Kisaki said. “I hope you boys enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame brought to you by that freak of nature you’ve got playing with you now.” He looked past Toshiya and Kaoru, lips curling dangerously when he spotted Die.

“Fuck off,” Kyo said, mostly in an effort to distract Toshiya, who seemed a half-beat off from straight-up decking Kisaki. “No one asked you.”

“Eloquent as always,” Kisaki said, smiling placidly at him. “Best of luck to you all.” He sauntered off towards the front of the venue then, and no one was sorry to see him go.

Toshiya was still cursing angrily under his breath when Die leaned closer to Kyo to ask in a hushed voice, “That was your old bassist?”

Kyo quite forgot that he hadn’t wanted to speak to Die, and nodded. “Kisaki. I didn’t really think he was gonna show up here, but I guess we should have expected it. He lives for the drama.”

“Seems like a Grade-A asshole,” Die said.

Kaoru turned then, as if suddenly noticing they were there. “Die, you mustn’t take anything he said to heart. Kisaki is not someone to let dictate your feelings.”

“You mean the ‘freak of nature’ bit?” Die waved a hand. “I’m sure I’ve called myself worse. He’s just jealous and sad.”

Although it was true, Kyo wasn’t sure he believed Die’s dismissal of the insult so easily. He knew Die was prone to punishing himself, and might have taken Kisaki’s words more personally than he claimed.

“I’ll be in touch about recording schedules,” Kaoru said, and he headed off with Shinya, trying to comfort a still-fuming Toshiya.

Kyo was once more left alone with Die, and started walking towards the nearest underground station without pause, hoping to fill the silence as much and as quickly as possible.

Die trailed along behind him, more ghost-like even than Kyo was used to.

After a few minutes on the train, Die said, “Seemed like they tried harder to get _me_ to go out with them than _you_.”

Kyo looked at him questioningly.

“I mean, they don’t really try to convince you, do they?” Die said. “Even for such a special occasion.”

“It’s like I told you,” Kyo said. “I almost never go out with them, I don’t like drinking. It’s not fun for anyone to just have me tagging along wishing I was at home with a warm bath and dinner from the conbini.”

Die laughed, but it was brief, and he seemed to catch himself. “Kyo—about earlier.”

“Don’t,” Kyo said. “I had no right to talk to you like that, I was being a dick.”

“I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” Die said, ignoring him. “I was being totally serious when I said how talented I think you are, but I should have listened when you asked me to stop.”

“You were fine, don’t worry about it.”

“And as for the rest of it—” Die hesitated. “Well, Toshiya came over and… said a few things to me after you went out.”

_Ah, shit_. Kyo closed his eyes. Of course Toshiya would have overheard their little argument; he hadn’t been sitting all that far off, and they’d hardly bothered to keep their voices down. But could Toshiya have really been so clueless as to divulge Kyo’s feelings about Die, which he wasn’t yet ready to share?

“I’m sorry,” Die said. “I didn’t know that you were gay, and maybe he shouldn’t have told me, but I feel like a real moron now, for what I said to you.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“And I meant it, I never noticed that I was… _flirting_ with Toshiya, but,” Die chuckled, a small embarrassed sound, “it has, er, been pointed out to me in the past that I sometimes have a tendency to flirt without even meaning to. And I didn’t know about your feelings for Toshiya, so—”

Kyo’s eyes popped open. “My feelings for Toshiya?!” He looked at Die incredulously. “Wh—Did he tell you that was a thing?”

“Well, no,” Die said, frowning. “But it makes sense, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to step in on something.”

“I keep trying to tell you, Toshiya is _straight_!” Kyo said. “There’s nothing there for you to step in on.”

“Still, it upset you,” Die said impatiently. “So, do you accept my apology or what?”

“I don’t think you should be apologizing,” Kyo said with a shake of his head. “But sure. Thanks.”

“And I’m sorry about the live, too,” Die said rather abruptly as they got off the train and started for the stairs.

“What? What could you have to apologize for with regard to that?”

“My… fading out,” Die said. His expression was terribly remorseful. “I know you all said the audience went for it, and the others seemed to think it was just another cool thing I have up my sleeve, but I could tell you didn’t think that. You knew…”

“You lost control,” Kyo said. And yes, he had suspected that something had been wrong, but he hadn’t been about to call him out for it.

Die nodded guiltily. “I did manage to pull myself together by the end of the song.”

“Yeah, it was okay,” Kyo said. “Not sure why you’re still so upset over it. We all have slip-ups during a live performance.”

“I just… hadn’t been expecting…” Die chewed his lip as they came out from the underground, into the night air. “I wasn’t prepared. Is that a—regular part of the show?”

Kyo looked at him, puzzled, until he saw Die’s eyes travel nervously to his chest and then away.

Oh, that.

“Um,” Kyo began, lamely, “What, like usually? No, I guess not, but, sometimes? it depends on the moment, the feeling. Sorry, I guess I should’ve warned you.”

“None of the rest of the band had any reaction to it at all,” Die said. “I didn’t really know what was happening.”

“They’re just… used to it,” Kyo said. He rubbed a hand unconsciously over his own chest; the cuts there were starting to itch. “You don’t have to worry about anything I’m doing. It’s all, yeah, just part of the show.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it came out of Kyo's mouth so easily that it almost scared him.

Even so, Die stared at him like he was speaking an alien language. “I can’t just _not worry_. You were doing actual damage to yourself up there. That wasn’t stage blood. How am I—”

“But it’s not like it’s _my_ blood, either,” Kyo said. “It _is_, but it’s… a persona’s. And it’s theirs.” He motioned to some invisible audience before them. “It’s a way of connecting to them, bleeding _for_ them.”

Die was still looking at him strangely as they reached the apartment building.

“I’m not asking you to say you understand it,” Kyo said, his bag falling off his shoulder as he moved to unlock his front door. “Just think of it as part of the character I’m playing, same as the lines I’m singing, or the stage makeup.”

“That was a bit of a surprise, too.” Die was watching Kyo’s hand as he fumbled with the key, and Kyo thought it was kind of nice of him to not just charge ahead and phase though the door.

“My makeup?” Kyo said as he finally got the door open and held it so Die could go in first. “Your old band wasn’t big on that stuff?”

“We may have been a slightly different genre,” Die said. “There wasn’t so much…” He gestured vaguely to his face.

“Well, you notice the other members don’t really go in for that as much either,” Kyo said. He locked the door and left his shoes in the genkan. “I just like playing with it. It’s fun to do different stuff. I could try to do yours sometime, if you want.”

Die held up his hands quickly. “No, thank you.” He cleared his throat. “Which is not to say that it was bad at all. I thought you looked great, honestly, but it’s just not my style.”

“It’s not for everyone,” Kyo agreed. “And what you have going on works for you.” He looked Die up and down. He was still dressed as he had been for the concert, though he’d removed his boots, Kyo supposed as some symbol of respect, since it hardly made a difference to Kyo whether he appeared to be wearing shoes in the house or not. “Really, you look… very good.”

“Yeah?” Die looked overly pleased by the compliment, and Kyo felt himself blushing. “I was just trying to choose something that didn’t clash too badly with what everyone else was wearing.”

Kyo nodded and looked away. “Yeah, it’s perfect.”

From there he didn’t linger before going to fix himself some dinner, though he regretted not simply stopping and buying something on their way home. He’d forgotten how tired he got after a concert.

It seemed like Die was tired, too, since he didn’t hang around to talk, but tucked himself into a corner with a book from Kyo’s shelf and remained quiet for the rest of the evening.

They only spoke again to say goodnight, and Kyo might have been imagining it, but he thought Die had undone a couple more buttons on his shirt, and there was no chance of Kyo having anything else on his mind as he struggled to fall asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I feel like this chapter has a lot going on. Or maybe it doesn't. But, heh, I hope y'all enjoy.

“So I guess he’s really serious this time about recording,” Toshiya said, chasing a bamboo shoot around his bowl with his chopsticks. “He’s got Shinya set to start laying down tracks before the end of the week, and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time then for the rest of us.”

Kyo nodded. “It must be nice for him to have something to get so excited about.”

Toshiya laughed. “It does seem like he needs to get out a bit more, huh?”

“This is good for him,” Kyo said. He really was glad that Kaoru was so motivated to move things forward with the band.

“You could stand to get out more, too.”

“What does it look like I’m doin’ right now?”

Toshiya had invited Kyo out to grab dinner at one of their favorite ramen spots, and Kyo had hardly even hesitated in accepting. He was achy and his mind was still cluttered the day after their gig, but he missed the days when he could just go get a meal with Toshiya, and they could talk about everything that was going on.

“Maybe the problem is really just that _you _go out too _much_,” Kyo suggested, and sipped his tea. “Seriously, weren’t you just out after the show last night, and then you’re inviting me out today… Don’t you ever want to get some sleep?”

“I sleep all the time,” Toshiya said dismissively.

“And how does your bank account feel about all your outings?”

“I’m fairly certain my day job pays better than yours, but if you’re so concerned about it, feel free to pick up the bill for dinner,” Toshiya said. “And besides, last night's kind of going out and this kind are totally different.” He picked at his food. “I wish you would have come last night. I know it’s not your thing, and now—well, you have even more of an excuse to skip out on it, but we like you to hang out with us. In case you ever don’t remember that.”

“No, I know,” Kyo said. While it was true that he usually had a hard time believing that his bandmates wanted him around socially, that didn’t have much to do with his recent failure to attend social events. “So what, did I miss some excitement last night?”

“Ehh, excitement?” Toshiya made a sheepish sort of face and rubbed at his neck. “You missed some _ranting_, maybe. Poor Shinya and Kaoru, I think I hardly shut up about Kisaki the whole damn night.”

Kyo pursed his lips. “Hmm, yeah. He really pissed you off, didn’t he?”

Toshiya looked at him with wide eyes. “Like he didn’t piss _all_ of us off? Were you not mad?”

“Of course I was, he’s an asshole, but—”

“I thought you’d be just as angry as I was, if not more, with what he said about Die—which, he had _no fucking right_ to say anything about him in the first place…”

Kyo was quickly getting the feeling that he was going to get to experience some of the ranting he’d missed out on after all.

“But he was being petty even just showing up,” Toshiya went on, glaring down into his bowl. “After all that time working together, you know I had stupidly imagined we might have some kind of _friendly_ relationship when it all ended—”

“That was never gonna happen.”

“I _know_, but I didn’t realize he was gonna be so…” he broke off with a growl, dropping his spoon into his mostly-empty bowl with a clatter. “He’s _such_ a dick.”

Kyo sighed. “He is. But who gives a fuck what he thinks, what he says? He’s sad and pathetic and he wanted to make us feel bad because he feels bad. He wants what we have and all he can think to do about it is try to hurt us.”

Toshiya gave him a funny look. “That’s some big talk coming from you. When did you get all wise about this stuff?”

Kyo shook his head. “It’s way easier to dispense for other people than to believe for myself. Not the same thing at all.”

“Hmm.” Toshiya frowned, clearly disappointed.

“It’s still true, though. Whatever shit Kisaki wants to talk doesn’t matter if you just remember that’s all it is.” Kyo tilted his head. “Aren’t you happier playing the bass?”

“Of course I am,” Toshiya said. “Feels like home.”

Kyo smiled. “Then that’s worth a hell of a lot more. You sound great, too.”

Toshiya snorted. “Yeah, right, like you ever listen to what anyone else is doing.”

“Everyone else does, though, right? I can take the others’ word for it!”

Toshiya’s smile slowly faded and he sniffed. “Listen, Kyo, there’s something else that we were talking about last night.”

“Oh? Something besides your seething hatred for Kisaki? Just how late were you guys out?” Kyo was trying to keep the tone light, though he could tell by the serious look on Toshiya’s face that the mood had shifted towards something he didn’t like so well.

“Something more about _you_,” Toshiya said. “Not like in a ‘we were all talking about you behind your back’ kind of way—”

“Just you were all talking about me,” Kyo said. “When I wasn’t there.”

“Well, yes.” Toshiya kept his gaze on the table. “Not just you. It was—well, you know, you didn’t come out with us last night.”

“No,” Kyo said. “I usually don’t.”

“I know, but it seems like—well, we wondered whether that had something to do with—with Die not coming,” Toshiya said. He looked up at Kyo through his lashes.

“Not really,” Kyo said. “I didn’t go out drinking with you before Die joined the band, and I still don’t now. Not really a change there.”

“Are you sure?” Toshiya asked, and something about how he said it rubbed Kyo very much the wrong way. “In the past, when we’ve had a real reason to celebrate, you’ve _sometimes_—”

“Did you guys even ask me?” Kyo interrupted, remembering how Die had commented on it.

Toshiya was caught off-guard. “Did—wh—”

“You guys don’t even bother asking if I want to go, you just decide you’re all going and expect me to be eager to tag along, even though that’s never the person I’ve been and you all know it,” Kyo said. He was surprised by his own irritation over the matter. “You put more energy into asking Die than asking me, and he’s _dead_.”

“And you just answer for him anyway!” Toshiya said. “Telling us to back off and not invite him—do you _want_ to be invited or not?”

“I really don’t care one way or the other,” Kyo said, which was more or less true. What bothered him far more was that they would take offense at his not going to something to which he was never invited. He himself wasn’t going to lose sleep over being asked or not.

“Besides, Kyo, of _course_ we put more effort into asking Die to come out than you—you’re as stubborn as a _rock_, and if Die came,” Toshiya barreled on, “then shit, you’d probably suddenly change your tune and want to come, too!”

Kyo was taken aback. Was that what this was really about? They hadn’t “_just”_ been talking about Kyo because they’d also been talking about Die?

“Kyo, I’m not—” Toshiya sighed, leveled him with a look too close to pitying to be comfortable. “I overheard what you guys were saying to each other before the live.”

“I know,” Kyo said. “Die told me you talked to him.”

“And I didn’t tell him how you feel about him.”

“I know.”

“But it’s—you’re not the most subtle person,” Toshiya said. “Shinya and I were talking, and we know how much you care about him, but…”

Kyo stared at him, unmoving. He saw now where this was going. This was some kind of intervention. They’d been discussing his closeness to Die, and Toshiya had invited him here specifically to discourage it.

“Just, do you think it’s a good idea?” Toshiya said.

“Do I think… caring about Die is a good idea?” Kyo repeated, a hysterical laugh catching in his throat.

“I mean, it’s clear enough that he cares for you, too,” Toshiya said. “When I explained that you were gay, he said, you know, he’s bi, and I thought, okay, but that doesn’t mean you can go thinking—there’s not really anywhere it can _go_, Kyo.”

The rushing was back in Kyo’s ears, making Toshiya’s words harder to focus on, except for those ones stating that Die was bisexual—that was a detail that he hadn’t had before, not officially, and he was carefully rotating it in his mind, looking for other information he could link it with in the puzzle that was his understanding of Die.

Toshiya reached for Kyo’s hand where it was resting on the table, and he jerked away instinctively.

With a slightly hurt look, Toshiya kept talking, “I’m not saying all this just to be a dick. But you’re opting out of a night celebrating with your friends to, what, go home and chill with a dead guy?”

Kyo shook his head in disbelief. “You’re all fucking hypocrites. I can’t—he’s good enough to play in your band, but not enough of a _person_ to hang out with, socially?”

“We _want_ to know him socially, we invited—”

“But when it’s _me_ hanging out with him, he’s just ‘a dead guy’?”

“That was—I shouldn’t have said that, I apologize,” Toshiya said, wincing. “But, _Kyo_.” He looked at him and seemed all at once very tired. “It _is_ different when it’s you.”

Kyo’s mouth was dry. “Fuck you.”

Toshiya shrugged helplessly. “What are we supposed to think? After how you were acting onstage last night—are we supposed to just ignore that?”

“That was onstage, it’s _different_,” Kyo protested.

“So you’ve said, but it’s not completely,” Toshiya said. “We want you to be okay, and it just seems like spending so much time with a _ghost_ as your main company could… give you dangerous ideas.”

Kyo bit his lip. “You guys can’t claim to know what I’m thinking,” he said finally, and stood up from the table, patting his pocket to make sure he had his phone. “So maybe you’d do better to keep future attempts to ‘save me’ to yourselves.”

“C’mon, Kyo, don’t go,” Toshiya said. “It’s not like that.”

“It is,” Kyo said. “Thanks for dinner, and I’ll see you around the studio.”

As Kyo walked out of the ramen joint, he found it had started raining, and he pulled up the hood of his sweatshirt as he made his way sullenly through the evening. He wasn’t in a hurry to get anywhere, but he didn’t want to waste any time in getting _away._

He supposed he should have known to some degree that his bandmates would react this way, but he hadn’t expected them to try to pin the blame on Die. Hadn’t they learned that Kyo could be perfectly fucked up all on his own, and it wasn’t anyone else’s doing?

He kept on walking right past the train station, opting to just get home on foot tonight. It wasn’t that much farther, and he was already wet, so there was no point in avoiding the rain.

He wiped a few raindrops from around his eyes, and as he thought again about what Toshiya had said—about Die giving him _ideas_—he let out a derisive snort, even though there was no one to hear him. What a thing to say. Kyo couldn’t claim he hadn’t thought about it, sure; there was something reassuring in discovering conclusively that some form of existence could be possible after death, but it wasn’t like Die made it seem like some Super Fun time.

And if Kyo’s bandmates were really as worried about him as all that, like they claimed to be, then they knew that his feelings, the temptation of seeking solace in death, were certainly nothing new brought on by Die.

The whole thing had him angrier than was maybe reasonable. He felt once more betrayed, like he’d been tricked and trapped when he’d thought Toshiya was just having dinner with him without an ulterior motive.

It hurt that their primary response to the time Kyo was spending with Die was to question it, to disapprove of it, rather than to be supportive.

It wasn’t like he’d really expected them to root for him to get together with his ghost roommate, but it would have been nice if they could at least have seen that Die was something _good_ in Kyo’s life. He was something sparking and bright, something that Kyo wanted to wake up for, rush home for. He was comfortable when Kyo found it so hard to be around people.

As usual, Kyo was frustrated by how he found all the things he should have said _after_ the conversation had already ended. He briefly considered sending Toshiya a text, but decided against it. He didn’t want to drag things out at all; he’d rather just be done with the whole conflict.

He hadn’t forgotten the other part of what Toshiya had said either: that everyone knew about his feelings for Die, and that it was “clear enough” that Die cared for him, too. Cared for him how? What made that so clear?

Kyo overthought it. Toshiya seemed to have more facts on that front than he did. He had it direct from Die that he was interested in men, while Kyo had never had any proper proof of that.

He wracked his brain for more relevant memories. He could recall the sincerity of Die’s compliments, the embarrassment in his expression when he’d said that it was _Kyo_ that made him want to join the band. There was his willingness to share intimate information with Kyo, even about his death, and there was the way that his gaze had wandered that night when Kyo had been in the middle of undressing. Kyo wouldn’t have minded him looking at him like that a good deal more.

But he’d never _said_ anything. He’d never even mentioned an interest in men—but then, neither had Kyo. It just wasn’t something he talked about unless it came up, especially with someone in whom he was interested. And it wasn’t like Die was always the most forthcoming. He’d never even said anything about—

Oh. Another memory struck Kyo: his clothing, including his cum-covered boxers, picked up and put in the hamper, the possibility that Die had seen the whole thing and not said a word about it.

Kyo felt himself growing excited. What if he _had_ seen it? What if he’d remained silent, not because he was disgusted, but because he’d _liked_ what he’d seen, because he hadn’t just _seen_ it, he’d actually _watched_?

Okay, Kyo was getting ahead of himself. Jumping from Die being bisexual to Die being a voyeur who was harboring secrets about watching Kyo in his most private moments was… extreme, at best.

Still, he couldn’t help the fire the idea lit low in his belly. He was almost home, and the rain had soaked him nearly to the bone, but he was impossibly warm. He wondered if Die would be there when he got to the apartment. He couldn’t decide if he wanted him there or not, because honestly, he was a little worried that if Die _was_ there, he might try to do something he shouldn’t, say something, reveal too much.

He climbed the stairs, the heat inside him growing with every step, anger and adrenaline and curiosity and an embarrassing sort of need that was starting to block out some more rational regions of his brain.

Kyo held his breath as he unlocked the door, and let himself into the genkan.

“Tadaima,” he called into the dark.

There was no response.

He came further inside, checking all the rooms of the small apartment until he felt satisfied that he was alone.

Or, did it count as satisfied, if he was kind of disappointed?

He breathed out heavily, trying to get his head settled back on right. He’d gotten carried away for a minute there, but he could calm down now.

He slowly started stripping out of his wet clothes, peeling off layers and then hanging them in the bathroom to dry off before he tried to put them with his other laundry. He shivered as his damp skin was exposed to the cool air, especially as he pushed down his jeans and boxers and freed his half-hard cock.

He hung his jeans up with everything else, and cringed when a loud clatter told him he’d forgotten to take his phone out of his pocket before turning the jeans upside down. He picked up his (thankfully undamaged) phone, and made sure to retrieve all other items from his pockets, taking out his wallet, earbuds, and the half-destroyed little note from Die that he couldn’t seem to stop carrying with him every day.

He flipped the paper between his fingers, and chewed his lip as he looked down at Die’s name. He was still standing there naked, and a terrible idea occurred to him.

Die wasn’t there. But last time, Kyo had managed to call him home—call him _back_, with the help of that note.

Now of course, he didn’t need Die to be there. It was better that Die wasn’t there. After all, if Die were to appear, and see him like this—

Kyo’s cock twitched, and he swallowed thickly. This was a very bad idea.

In spite of that knowledge, Kyo kept the little note folded in his fist as he went back into his bedroom and switched on the lamp next to his bed. If he was going to put on a show, he wanted it to be visible.

He started off slow, with relaxed strokes of his cock, just standing in his room, letting himself focus on the feeling more than anything, his length growing harder in his hand. It didn’t take long before pre was beading at the tip, and his breathing had picked up as he was eager to take things further.

Taking his hand off himself, Kyo took another calming breath. There was a moment of rifling through a box stashed under his bed, and then he was laying himself out, methodically, in the middle of the sheets, trying to relax his body even as he grew more aroused at the prospect of what he was doing.

He eased himself back into it, let his hand trail up his abdomen to his chest, gasping softly as he brushed over the scratches he’d left there the previous night, still red and angry. His hand knew its path though, and in time reached a nipple, playing with it lightly at first, then more roughly, pinching and pulling until he was pressing his lips together to keep in any quiet moans.

The same hand traveled back down his body, since the other was occupied still clutching that piece of paper. He stroked his thighs, dragged his nails lightly over sensitive skin, and then spread his legs wider, giving himself plenty of room for what he had planned next.

He grabbed a pillow from behind him so he could put it under his hips; it took some fumbling to find the right position, and when he then reached for his much-neglected erection, he mistakenly did so with the hand holding Die’s note, and let out a sound of dismay as he found the already-crumpled paper now also boasted a large drop of pre-cum dirtying it.

Then, without even thinking about it, he brought it to his mouth and licked up the drop.

Immediately he realized what he’d done, and gasped, even more shamefully aroused by the taste of his own pre. He shoved two fingers into his mouth, intent to lick his taste from them as well. He sucked greedily, thoroughly wetting his fingers with his saliva, and moaned as he let himself imagine Die seeing him in such a state. It was fucked up, but he didn’t think he’d ever been so turned on as when he moved those wet fingers to play around his asshole.

It had been far too long since he’d gotten to play with himself this way, and even the lightest of touches sent electricity jolting through him, much in the same way that any touch from Die did. The thought drove him on, his vision blurring for a few seconds.

Spit dried too quickly for him to do more than tease around his hole, and soon he was snatching up the lube he’d brought into the bed with him, coating his fingers liberally. One hand still held the note, soiled and illegible as it was.

He slipped the first finger inside, and his mouth fell open, his eyes squeezing shut. He pressed in deeper, unable to catch his breath, pulled back only to spread his legs wider and plunge in deep again, and just when he was starting to get lightheaded from his failure to breathe properly, he managed to choke out a moan of Die’s name.

More sparks flew through Kyo’s veins as he added a second finger along with the first, and he wrapped his other hand around his dick even as it pulsed more pre-cum onto his belly.

He was afraid to open his eyes by now, afraid that when he did, Die would be standing there, still and silent, unable to look away.

Kyo squirmed and bucked, starting to actually work towards his orgasm as he imagined Die’s pupils blown with arousal, watching Kyo fucking himself silly right in front of him, as if he couldn’t help it. The whole thing was obscene, but Kyo seemed to have lost all sense of reason, was helpless to his own _want_.

“_Die_,” Kyo whimpered as he let himself get lost in the fantasy of Die watching him.

Maybe if Die liked what he saw he would take his own cock out, stroke as he watched. Maybe he would tell Kyo just how much he liked it, tell him how good he looked touching himself. Or else he’d tell him what a slut he was for opening himself up for just anyone to look at.

Kyo wasn’t that picky; he found all potential scenarios unbearably arousing in their own rights.

He was getting close, and he groped for the lube so he could work three fingers inside himself. He groaned freely at the stretch and his mind once again provided the image of it being Die’s cock filling him up.

The thought had his own cock jumping and he whined, a prolonged, “_Fuuuck_…”

The sad little note wasn’t in his hand anymore, rather it was stuck to his thigh with a combination of sweat and pre-cum, and his mind was nowhere near it as his hand moved more rapidly over his length, his breathing barely more than a few pleasured gasps at random intervals.

Then he could feel it, the nearness of his orgasm, starting with a burning down in the soles of his feet and climbing up his legs. He bucked his hips in erratic, desperate little movements, and keened as it finally washed over him and he painted his belly white.

Only then did he slowly pry his eyes open, blinking back tears that had formed and not yet fallen.

But there was no one there.

He leveraged himself up, with some difficulty, to lean on his elbows and better look around the room, but there was nothing, no crackle of energy, no whisper of movement. There was no one in his room but him.

That made the whole thing kind of embarrassing, hot though it may have been. He sat all the way up, and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he could stand on the floor. He washed up quickly enough in the bathroom, and, with a sharp pang of regret, let Die’s little note fall at last into the trash can next to the sink.

He couldn’t help but notice as he returned to his room and rearranged himself in bed just how _cold_ it had gotten in there. He might need to start turning the heat on at night…


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMM, interesting things happening!  
Next week is going to be prrretty all over the place for me 'cause I'm taking a trip to Canada, and might not have easy internet access, etc. I'll try to get at least one update out before I leave, but it might not be regular schedule. Is everyone else as insanely busy as I feel like I am lately? I'm so behind on my NaNo it's ridiculous, haha.
> 
> More seriously, here's a trigger warning and a SPOILER:  
This chapter contains some discussion of suicidal thoughts/a past suicide attempt (not very graphic), so please be mindful and take care of yourselves.

There never could have been enough hours in a night to satisfy Kyo and his deep-seated hunger for sleep, and that fact was only more pronounced with the inescapable gloom of work awaiting him.

Kyo dragged himself wearily from his bed and all the way to the shower without fully opening his eyes. The world seemed too bright and too quiet, and he wanted to just hide under his covers in the soft dark with his cacophony of dreams and thoughts.

It was by some miracle that he made it to work on time, though he doubted that anyone actually noticed when he was or wasn’t late. It wasn’t like he worked alongside a bunch of people after all. He was responsible for himself, and for answering basic questions relating to bathroom locations and validated parking. Every once in a while someone asked him something halfway interesting, but that wasn’t common enough for Kyo to expect or look forward to it.

That made it a slightly more noteworthy event when a strange young man with shiny curtains of black hair came shiftily up to Kyo’s counter and cleared his throat.

“What can I do for you?” Kyo asked, though he didn’t quite muster the energy for the accompanying smile. Oh well, maybe next time.

“You know that piece you’ve got in the amateurs’ gallery?”

“Well,” Kyo said patiently, “you’ll have to be a bit more specific.”

“The one called, ‘_Other Side_’.”

_Okay, not that specific_. Kyo tried, but he couldn’t call up any memory of the piece just going by the title. “I apologize; the new works were just hung recently,” Kyo said. “I’m not yet intimately familiar with all of them. What was your question about the piece?”

“I want to speak to the artist.”

Kyo frowned. “I’m afraid it’s not within my capabilities to arrange meetings like that.”

“Then just give me the name.” The stranger wasn’t demanding, or even _rude_, but there was a peculiar urgency to his words that made Kyo glad there was a counter between them.

“The artist wasn’t listed along with the piece’s title?”

“It said, ‘anonymous.’ Who submits things anonymously to an art gallery?” The man looked around, and lowered his voice. “You guys must have records, though, right? Can’t you look it up?” He cast a glance at the computer behind the counter, and Kyo followed his gaze dubiously.

The machine was probably older than any works in the museum, and was nowhere near reliable enough to be used for important record-keeping.

“Even if I could, I’m not permitted to give out an artist’s name if they wish to remain anonymous,” Kyo said. “Why, is there a problem with the artwork?”

“No, no!” The customer’s eyes widened. “It’s just… I’ve seen it, too. That, that they painted—I wanted to know… how they know.”

Kyo was lost. “I… beg your pardon?”

“The _other side_,” the man said with emphasis. “It’s the same as I saw when I drowned last year. Was gone for two whole minutes, and that painting… That’s what I remember.”

Kyo stared. A month ago he might have just written this guy off as mentally unstable, but as it was, he leaned closer. “You’re talking about, what, the afterlife?”

“If that’s how you want to think of it,” the man said, still looking sort of nervous. “I didn’t expect to see it again in this lifetime.” He sighed. “You can’t help me reach the artist?”

Kyo shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. Honestly, I don’t even have that information.”

The stranger thanked him for his time and left without complaint, and Kyo waited until his next break before hurrying to the amateur gallery on the second floor, pacing between displays until he found it.

He didn’t need to check the title plaque to know it was the painting in question. It could have been, at first glance, a depiction of outer space—but there was something off about it. The colors swirled together in a way that was less cosmic and more sickly, and just looking at it chilled Kyo to the core.

It was a void, it was endless, and the way it was painted made it feel like it had more than three dimensions. It was improper museum etiquette to reach out and touch it, but there were no wandering guests around at the moment, and Kyo didn’t stop himself from brushing one ripple of color with his fingertips.

The sparks he felt as the came into contact with it were no surprise.

He stood staring at the painting until his break ended, scared of the implications of such an artwork, but horribly drawn to it at the same time. That was it. The other side, the other _realm_. It was where Die went when he was away, and someone had left it hanging, tucked almost into a strange corner of the second floor gallery at Kyo’s work.

Kyo didn’t do anything to slow down his journey home; he even went right past the conbini where he sometimes stopped to pick up dinner. He had to talk to Die about the painting, ask him about it. Part of him even wondered if Die could have been the one who painted it, and somehow snuck it into the gallery’s submissions without Kyo noticing.

That train to thought was much forgotten, however, as Kyo opened the door to his apartment and was met with the tantalizing smells of something _cooking_.

Kyo paused, reopened his door to check the number on it. Sure, it wasn’t _actually_ possible that he could have used his key to unlock the wrong door, but it was such a foreign experience to smell food cooking when he got home that Kyo was momentarily, utterly confused.

He wasn’t sure whether it was more or less confusing when Die came out around the corner with a pair of cooking tongs in one hand, his long hair pulled back into a messy bun.

“You’re home! Welcome back!” Die smiled widely, as if there was nothing bizarre about him apparently taking it upon himself to cook.

Kyo set down his coat and followed Die back into the cramped little kitchen. “What… are you doing?” he asked.

“Cooking!” Die exclaimed. “Obviously! But, ah, it’s kind of been a while, so I’m sorry if my skills are on the rusty side…”

Everything was spread out across the kitchen; meat sizzling on the stove, cutting board and knives stacked by the sink, some kind of sauce, that seemed to have been made from scratch since it was nothing Kyo recognized, in a bowl on the counter, next to the rice cooker which was ticking away.

“But—why?” Kyo looked around. “Why—you don’t even eat, why would you do all this?”

“Would you believe that I was bored?”

“Not really,” Kyo said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Damn. Okay, well.” Die took the lid off of another pan on the stove and pushed some vegetables around as he considered his words. “I noticed you had a bunch of stuff in your freezer that _I _sure as hell have never seen you do anything with, and then you had some produce that was on its last legs, so I thought I’d kind of throw something together.”

“Because…?”

Die made an impatient little noise. “Because you were at work! And you work so much all the time, in addition to everything you do with the band.” He gestured with both hands, looking around the kitchen half-frantically. “And I don’t do anything! You’ve been so—_kind_, and welcomed me into your space—living space, creative space—and I don’t feel like I give much back, so I just thought—But I don’t know if you were saving that beef for anything, I hope I didn’t do something wrong…”

“Do something wrong—Jesus, no, Die, this is…” Kyo didn’t know what to say. It was so unexpectedly _sweet_, and Kyo was struck once again by his guilt over the lecherous thoughts he often had about Die, while here he carried on in blithe ignorance of Kyo’s shameful secrets. “This is amazing. And one of the most thoughtful things someone has done for me.”

Die seemed pleased with that, and went back to whatever he had on the stove.

Kyo moved around behind him to get in the fridge and take out a bottle of tea to pour himself some. “It’s also totally unnecessary, though, and I hope you know that.”

Die turned to look at him, crestfallen. “You already ate?”

“I—no, I didn’t.”

Die slumped in relief and smiled again.

“But you don’t have to cook for me,” Kyo said. “I appreciate it and everything, but I don’t feel like you’re not doing your share of household duties or anything like that.”

Die laughed. “I can imagine you just passive-aggressively posting, like, a chore wheel…”

Kyo wrinkled his nose. “Is that what you think of me?”

“‘Die, it’s your turn to do laundry because I washed the dishes! If you don’t get it done we’ll have to have a household meeting!’”

“Nooo,” Kyo said, covering his face with his hand while Die went on laughing. “God, please don’t think about doing my laundry as your next way to help out, I would be so embarrassed.”

“Okay, okay,” Die said. Then he grimaced. “Er, I am gonna do dishes later though, ‘cause I made a huge fuckin’ mess, and you didn’t ask me to.”

Kyo snorted. “Fine, I’ll let you have that one. And thanks.” He leaned against the counter, trying to stay out of Die’s way without actually leaving the room. “Have you ever really had a roommate who was like that? With the chore wheels and the meetings?”

Die cocked his head, making his bun flop to the side cutely. “No, I guess not. Had an ex kind of like that, though. Or… ex—” He frowned. “I guess ex. We were still together when I died.”

“Oh,” Kyo said, whiplashed by the sudden turn of the conversation. He didn’t want to talk about anyone Die had dated, especially not someone he’d never gotten to break up with, but he couldn’t think of anything to say besides, “You must miss them.”

Die’s shoulders shifted, the movement so small it could hardly be called a shrug. “She was always trying to make a schedule about feeding the cat, cleaning the litterbox… I tried to tell her, ‘I don’t care, he’s _my_ cat, I’m fine with being the one to take care of him!’ But she wanted to be part of things like that.”

“I didn’t know you had a cat,” Kyo said, welcoming an alternate subject to focus on.

“Yeah, he was my baby,” Die said, his voice gone soft. He switched off the stove. “Wish I could show you a picture. He had the cutest fangs.” He pushed a few strings of hair behind his ear and turned to Kyo. “You don’t have any pets.”

“No,” Kyo said, kind of sadly. He’d had some kangaroo rats for a while, but they’d long since passed on. “I’d like to, but it’s kind of a space issue. And a time commitment issue. I wouldn’t want to have to leave an animal cooped up alone here all the time, and as you pointed out, I’m fairly busy.”

Die nodded. “Maybe someday.”

“Yeah, sure,” Kyo said. “I’d like a dog, I think.”

Die seemed surprised. “Wouldn’t have pegged you as a dog person.”

Kyo shrugged. “I like animals.”

The rice cooker then sang its little song, and Kyo gestured to the cabinet behind Die so he could take out a couple bowls.

Or, as it happened, just one bowl, since Kyo was the only one eating. Somehow he really struggled to get used to that.

Kyo watched as Die got the food arranged, looking at his hands as he cradled the rice bowl. He really was improving in his abilities to stay corporeal as needed. His movements were strong and sure as he served the food, and it made it that much harder to resist reaching out and touching him.

“Go sit down,” Die instructed, nodding towards the living room, since the table there was pretty much the only place one could set down a meal.

Kyo didn’t like feeling so unhelpful, but he did as he was told, and sat on the floor at the living room table, taking his cup of tea with him.

Die didn’t take a seat at the other side of the table until Kyo started eating.

Kyo tried not to feel uncomfortable. He enjoyed Die’s company, and wouldn’t have wanted him to go away, but it still seemed so awkward. He was grateful that at least Die was being careful not to watch him while he ate.

“It’s delicious,” he said, because it was definitely about fifty times better than anything he could have cooked for himself.

Die beamed, but didn’t press him for further praise. He was quiet a moment longer, and then said, “So, you think of us as roommates?”

Kyo nearly choked, caught off-guard, and looked at Die with his mouth perhaps fuller than was good manners. He chewed quickly and swallowed before saying, “Um. I mean, kind of. Just in that you kinda… well, we share the space.”

Die nodded thoughtfully, and Kyo wondered whether that had been the wrong thing to say. What did Die think of their situation if he didn’t think of them as roommates, after a fashion?

There was a long pause, during which Kyo was too nervous to take another bite, and Die said, “It’s been a while since I had a roomie. I’m afraid I don’t know what trends have changed.”

“I don’t have any complaints so far,” Kyo offered.

Die gave him a half-smile, and then Kyo’s phone vibrated and he mumbled an apology as he dug it out of his pocket.

It was a message from Kaoru, detailing both Kyo’s and Die’s recording schedules, and Kyo studied it attentively, his mind working out how it would fit in with his hours at the museum.

“Something important?” Die said.

Kyo glanced up at him. “Oh, Kao’s got everything in order for us to start recording our EP.”

Die’s eyebrows rose. “He’s so on top of things.”

“That’s Kaoru for you,” Kyo muttered, his eyes back on his phone’s screen.

“You look worried.”

“I’m just trying to figure it out. If I need to be there with you for your guitar-recording sessions…”

“I can—Hmm.” A pause, then, “Could one of the other guys pick me up from here? I could probably hitchhike with one of them, if you have to work or whatever.”

Kyo’s mouth twisted up, and he hesitated to answer. He didn’t really want someone else to come pick Die up. It was jealous and possessive and irrational, but Kyo didn’t like the idea of anyone else having a strong enough connection to Die that he would feel comfortable traveling with them. Of course, he was willing to put that aside, but the situation still wasn’t ideal.

“Kaoru might be able to,” Kyo said, “since he’s doing some of his guitar recordings the same days, but…” Kyo set his phone down on the coffee table. “Well, he drives, usually. I don’t know if… If you’re okay with going by car.”

“Oh.” Die’s whole form wavered, a strange fading out and back in, faster than Kyo could comment on it. “Do you think… One of the others? Maybe Toshiya would be willing to take the train with me?”

Kyo took a few bites. He hadn’t yet talked to Die about Toshiya’s attempted intervention, and while it wasn’t that he thought Toshiya necessarily _disliked_ Die, Kyo wasn’t sure he trusted him with him. He didn’t know how to voice that without upsetting Die and alerting him to a whole other set of issues.

The silence dragged on long enough that Die spoke up, “You don’t think Toshiya would be okay with it?”

Reluctantly, Kyo said, “I’m not really happy with Toshiya right now. I don’t think he’d be a good person to ask.”

Although Kyo had to admit, at least to himself, that his other bandmates might not be any better. He hadn’t spoken to anyone else about it, but Toshiya had certainly indicated that it was something they’d all been discussing.

“Can I ask why?” Die said.

Kyo looked at him, sitting there nervously toying with the hairs that had fallen out of his bun, and he just felt sorry for worrying him.

“It’s nothing you have to stress out over,” he said. “Toshiya and I just had kind of an argument yesterday.”

“What about?”

“Me,” Kyo said. “Certain things, and how I deal with them, and… It’s kind of. Yeah, I guess I think Kaoru would be your best bet. I can ask if he’d be willing to use public transit?”

“That would be really great,” Die said with a grateful smile, and Kyo went ahead and texted Kaoru then and there.

Kyo’s bowl was more or less empty when Die leaned back on his hands and hummed.

“Recording, man, never thought I’d be getting back in the studio.” A wry little smile crossed his face. “Guess that was never the part of it all that I was into nearly as much as getting up onstage. It’s harder to feel that momentum and everything without the crowd.”

Kyo stood to take his dishes to the kitchen. “But you are still okay with recording? We’re not trying to make you do something you’re not into.”

“No, it’s fine,” Die said. “I want to record—and just leave those in the sink, I told you I’m doing dishes later.”

A potential concern occurred to Kyo, and he came back to the living room with a furrowed brow. “And… you _can _record, right? It won’t be one of those things where your audio can’t be played back and heard by living people?”

“Uh.” Die made a face. “I mean, I don’t really know. I haven’t ever tried.”

Kyo sat once more on the floor. “We’d better test it out, then.” He unlocked his phone and opened up the voice memo application before setting it back on the table. “Here, try just saying anything,” he said, and tapped the record button on the screen.

Die looked at it and then up at Kyo in surprise. He started off, in a low, clear voice, “Hello, this is Die, guitarist for Genshitsuu…” Then he deteriorated into nervous giggling. “I don’t know what to say!”

Kyo ended the recording and played it back twice, smiling at the sound of Die’s laughter, while Die hid his face in his hands. Kyo saved the file to his phone.

“Seems like it shouldn’t be a problem, then,” Kyo said. “If your voice records, your guitars should, too, right?”

“And if they don’t for some reason, Kaoru will be there, and I can probably borrow his instrument.”

“Yeah, I was just worried,” Kyo said. “You know, there’s so much mythology about what ghosts can or can’t do…”

“You watch too many movies,” Die chided. “You’re just getting ghosts mixed up with vampires again.”

“No,” Kyo said, “I already know you show up in _mirrors_.” His eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut as he realized what he’d said, and then hoped Die wouldn’t read into the strangeness of his reaction.

No such luck, as Die tensed and then ran his tongue over his lips before simply saying, “You saw.”

“Just… Just once,” Kyo said, thrown by the smallness of his own voice. “Whenever I see you in the mirror at rehearsal you’re just you, but there was once, I looked, and you were…”

“Dead?” Die was smiling in that rueful way again. “That’s what I see every time I look in the mirror.”

“That—But you don’t look like that,” Kyo said.

“Not to you.”

“No, or to anyone else who can see you,” Kyo said. “I’m sure of it. To us, you look—” He searched for any word that wouldn’t make him sound like a loser, but in the end he gave up and finished, “beautiful.”

The soft look on Die’s face _almost_ made Kyo not want to crawl into a hole of shame and decay there.

“It’s weird,” Die said. “I never thought of myself as a really shallow person or anything, but now I don’t want to see myself at all. I do everything I can to avoid catching a glimpse of my reflection. I can’t face that every day, all the memories of that night.”

“We really need to get you a phone,” Kyo suggested. “Maybe taking some selfies could really improve your self-image.”

“Maybe. Assuming they don’t just come out looking like that,” Die said skeptically.

Kyo watched him, arms resting on his knees, looking so small and sad, not even realizing how gorgeous he was, and was tempted as he so often was, to take Die’s hand, or to push some stray hairs back from his lovely face. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have your sense of self so distorted by having to confront the grisly image of your own death each time you passed a reflective surface. He supposed Die must never have a chance to even temporarily forget that he wasn’t alive, although Kyo forgot all the time.

It hadn’t been a quiet death, either, something that might not be so jarring to look at; Kyo remembered from just the split-second he’d seen it, the dark blood plastering Die’s hair to his head, the way his neck was bent so strangely...

Maybe it was the wrong thing to say in the middle of this, and he should have been more sensitive, but Kyo suddenly heard himself asking, “Did it hurt?”

It sounded like a line, like it should be followed by _When you fell from heaven?_ In a way, that would have been appropriate.

When Die turned towards him, he wasn’t angry, or even surprised. “Dying?” His gaze wandered, unfocused. “I don’t honestly remember. It should have, I think. But it all happened so fast, and then I wasn’t… I think it hurt more, after.” Die met Kyo’s eyes. “The loss, the guilt. That was the worse pain.”

Kyo nodded his understanding. “People never really mention physical pain, in their descriptions of near-death experiences or what have you.”

“No, it’s all life-flashing-before-your-eyes, and that kind of thing, isn’t it?” Die said.

“Did you have that?”

“Not that I recall,” Die said. “It was so sudden, my eyes barely slipped closed, and then there was… darkness.”

“Yeah, I guess I don’t remember anything like that either,” Kyo mused without fully realizing Die would hear him.

“You don’t remember… your life flashing before your eyes?” Die clarified.

“Or any bright light I was meant to go towards, or anything really at all,” Kyo said, since he’d already said too much anyway.

“This was your near-death experience?” Die said.

“I guess,” Kyo replied. “Maybe it just wasn’t near enough.”

Die didn’t say anything, and Kyo couldn’t handle much of how uncomfortable he’d made things. Die was so politely not asking any questions, and the silence was far worse, in Kyo’s opinion.

“It’s not a big deal,” he said impatiently. “I try not to bring it up, but you can ask if you want. You shared your personal stories with me.”

“I don’t need to know if you don’t want to talk about it,” Die said.

“I don’t really care, it’s just awkward more than anything,” Kyo said, and got to his feet, feeling restless. He went into the kitchen and put some water on to boil for tea.

“So, then,” Die said. He’d gotten up, too, but he stayed hovering at the edge of the kitchen, not crowding Kyo at all, though the truth was Die never made him feel crowded anyway. “When was your near-death experience?”

“Maybe three years ago?” Kyo took a cup from the cupboard and turned it in his hands a few times before setting it on the counter. “Pretty soon before I moved in here, actually.”

“And it was… an accident?”

Kyo kept his eyes on the tea he was adding to his cup and shook his head. “Sleeping pills. Everything I had left in the bottle.” He huffed out a laugh. “They wouldn’t write me another prescription after that.”

The tea kettle whistled, and Kyo poured the hot water into his cup, watched the steam rising steadily from it. He took his time returning the kettle to the stove, the tin of tea to the cupboard, finding he was sort of afraid to look at Die again.

When he finally did, he was met with a serious but nonjudgmental expression.

“You tried to kill yourself,” Die said.

“Didn’t work,” Kyo said, needlessly. “Because, um. Toshiya.” He held his tea in both hands, leaned his back against the kitchen counter. “We were roommates at the time, and he found me.” Kyo frowned looking down at his tea. “I didn’t—He got me to the hospital, and next thing I knew I was waking up, wondering why I wasn’t wearing any pants.”

Die’s voice was soft as he said, “Lucky he found you in time.”

Kyo nodded, his jaw shifted to one side. “I’ve often thought the opposite. I didn’t mean to be found, obviously. I should have locked the door, or waited until he was out of town, or…” He shrugged. “I always think I messed it up.”

“Still?” Die questioned. “Even now, you think you wish you’d been… successful?”

“Sometimes,” Kyo mumbled. When he looked up again Die looked much sadder, and a touch translucent. “I mean, not _usually_,” Kyo said quickly. “I’m way better now, more functional, more… I’m not actively suicidal anymore. I haven’t been, for a while.”

“That’s good,” Die said, the words strained. He opened his mouth, then closed it, frowning. After another moment he said, “What was it? That was so bad?”

“Like what horrible, tragic thing happened in my life to push me to that point?” Kyo sipped at his tea. “Nothing. That’s probably the stupidest part. I had no real excuse to feel so shitty, I just couldn’t stand the thought of living anymore. Every fucking day was such a struggle to get through, and for what? Another day, right after. It just felt like… It wasn’t _worth_ it.”

“But you don’t feel like that anymore.”

“It comes and goes,” Kyo said. “The days are still a struggle, but I keep living. I don’t know if it’s worth it or not, but I try not to think about things in those terms, or I start down a bad path.”

“Hmm.” Die was still frowning, staring down at the hardwood of Kyo’s kitchen floor. “I guess… I’d heard all those kinds of themes in your lyrics, but I didn’t know if they were from personal experience or… You told me it was a character, but that’s not exactly true, is it?”

Kyo winced. He’d been hoping it wouldn’t come back to that. “It’s… partly true.”

“And it’s partly a way for you to get away with hurting yourself and passing it off as an act.”

There was no way to argue with it when it was put into words so clearly. Kyo nodded.

“And the rest of the band…”

“They accept it as part of the show, to an extent,” Kyo said, and sighed. “But they also think I’m gonna fucking relapse all the time, and there’s nothing more frustrating than having them look at me like they think I’m gonna break.” He pushed off the counter and walked past Die back into the living room to sit on the couch. “That’s what Toshiya and I were fighting about.”

Die followed after him. “What is?”

“All of it! What happened at the live, my general depression, _you_—He acts like I’m on the edge all the time, and doesn’t trust me to live my own damn life!”

Die looked deeply concerned. "Me?"

“Because you’re _dead_,” Kyo said tiredly. “And because I—have been spending so much time with you.”

“It’s not contagious,” Die said, tilting his head to one side.

Kyo snorted. “It’s more _me_ that he doesn’t trust, remember. Thinks I’ll be _influenced_.”

Die pursed his lips. “You did say Toshiya was… he found you, _helped_ you, that time.”

“Yeah,” Kyo grumbled.

“I can’t imagine,” Die said. “I understand why you’re frustrated, but he’s probably honestly terrified. I’d bet that you scared him way fucking more than he’s ever even let you know, and lives in constant fear of _not_ making it in time the next time around.”

“It’s not that big of a thing,” Kyo said.

“I’d be scared,” Die said. “Knowing what I do now, I _am_, kind of. That you could be here, drinking tea, talking to me, and then just be gone? The thought of losing you like that, to that kind of all-consuming pain and darkness, scares the hell out of me, and Toshiya lived through the Almost. So, I don’t know. Maybe you shouldn’t hold it against him too much.”

Kyo nodded, but the conversation pretty much dropped off from there. 

He had trouble the rest of the evening, thinking past Die’s intimation that the thought of losing Kyo scared him. The thought that Kyo was Die’s to lose. Perhaps Kyo had underestimated just how much Die valued him.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhh my goodness, I really meant to have something up last week, but it was just a whirlwind of activity. I quit my job (or, one of my jobs) and I went to Canada and I just got back (my flight was delayed four hours aaaaaahhh) and I am exhausted and running on fumes, but it's okay and everything will be good and I hope everyone has had a great week lovelovelove you all~!

"I don’t care _how_ mentally unstable you are,” Kyo was complaining as they walked into the rehearsal space, “you don’t go around hugging random strangers on the street!”

Die didn’t bother to hide his laughter, and Shinya raised an eyebrow.

“Kyo made a new friend?” he asked.

“Absolutely not,” Kyo said. “This _guy_ just came up out of nowhere while we were waiting to cross the street and _hugged_ me—”

“It was hardly even a hug,” Die said. “He just kinda put his arm around your shoulders.”

Kyo looked at him in disbelief. “He _touched_ me.”

“He doesn’t like being touched,” Toshiya said knowingly.

Kyo cast a guilty glance in his direction. He still hadn’t had a chance to talk to him since he’d stormed out of the ramen place.

Or maybe he’d had chances—he always could have texted or called—but this was the first time he’d seen him face to face. He knew Die was right, that he should be more forgiving, but he couldn’t help that he was still just the slightest bit irritated with Toshiya, and seeing him in person made those feelings surge up all over again.

“Oh, come on,” Die said, distracting Kyo from his line of thought. “I think he liked you.”

Kaoru looked around with interest, having just walked in. “Wait, I missed something. Someone liked _Kyo_?”

“Ha ha,” Kyo said, glaring. “Die won’t leave me alone about this rando who accosted me—” 

“I thought it was an _embrace_,” Shinya said.

“It was unwelcome,” Kyo growled.

“And it really wasn’t an embrace,” Die said. “Really, if you think that was a hug, you must be living some kind of touch-starved life.”

Everyone went quiet, until Toshiya stage-whispered again, “_He doesn’t like being touched_.”

Die was clearly skeptical. “What, not even by friends?”

Kyo shifted his weight, uncomfortable with how everyone’s attention had focused on him. “I’m pretty picky.”

“I’ve managed to weasel a handful of hugs out of him,” Toshiya said. “In the seven odd years we’ve known each other.”

“But you guys even used to live together!” Die said.

Toshiya shrugged. “Kyo’s bubble is forged of some impenetrable material.”

“Wow,” Die said, a wrinkle between his brows. “I’m the total opposite. I used to hug my friends almost every time I saw them. It’s something I’ve missed, that kind of physical closeness with other people.”

“Aww, well, you’re welcome to hug me if you ever want,” Toshiya offered.

Kyo’s irritation with him only grew, especially when Die chuckled and said he’d have to take him up on that.

“You can hug me, too,” Kyo snapped, instead of of thinking for a few seconds and deciding not to say that.

It had everyone’s eyes back on him, though only Die’s stayed there, as the rest of the band made some pretty interesting faces and turned away.

“You really wouldn’t mind?” Die asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe not. Whatever.” Kyo rushed to drag his music stand into position and to keep Die from looking at the blush rising on his face.

He was quietly relieved when he could give his attention to Kaoru instead, and they could get to work.

It was their first rehearsal all together since the live, and Kaoru was in an unusually good mood. Kyo figured it was because recording had been going so well.

In the past week he’d personally had two sessions in the studio, and though he’d been nervous at first, he’d felt better about his results than he’d expected. The recording engineer was laid-back and reasonable, and the studio itself was comfortable, in a slightly run-down, dingy kind of way. 

It was different from the work they did preparing for live performances. In the studio, Kyo could experiment, try different things. He could fill the empty spaces with harmonies, all the voices that no one outside his own mind got to hear most of the time. He found himself increasingly excited to hear the full versions of all these songs.

With how much they’d all been working on laying down tracks, Kyo was surprised when Kaoru suggested they spend a good chunk of rehearsal time working on new material.

“I already have more gigs in the works for us,” Kaoru said. “And I think it’s important that we continue the process of fully integrating Die into the group, so I want to work up some of his compositions—as long as that’s all right with you.” He looked at Die expectantly.

“Oh! Um, yeah, of course. I’d like that,” Die said, looking a bit flustered.

The evening was unlike any rehearsal they’d had so far. Instead of learning parts that already existed and getting used to playing them together, they were working as a team to create wholly new arrangements of songs no one had ever heard, and it was—natural. During such a process in the past, Kisaki had always been a point of resistance, interrupting what might have otherwise been smooth.

Die was the other end of the spectrum, encouraging deviations from his original vision with enthusiasm, and letting control of the piece flow around the room, shared between them.

Kyo sat off to the side for much of the time, scribbling lyrics in his notebook and recording snippets of melody on his phone. When they got all the way through the first song with Kyo’s vocals added in, Die was grinning from ear to ear.

“You wrote lyrics for my song,” he said.

“I might still tweak them a bit,” Kyo replied with a shrug.

Die chewed his lip, and then blurted out, “I know you don’t like me saying it, so I won’t go on, but I need you to know I think you’re amazing and I’m so fucking psyched to have you putting words to my music.”

Kyo gave a surprised little start. “I—yeah, I’m… I’m psyched, too. And it’s not—I _do_ like you saying it, I just…” He waved a hand. “Forget it. Yeah. Thanks.”

They were nearing the end of their scheduled rehearsal time, and it was hard to not be optimistic about the progress they’d made. It was one of the best things about being in a band, the adrenaline of creation, of coming together to breathe life into something new, and it wasn’t easy to put it away even just for the evening.

Still, they had to start wrapping things up eventually, and that’s when Kaoru said, “Oh, I almost forgot to double-check: Kyo, you’re still off Mondays?”

Kyo looked at him curiously. “Yeah, museum’s closed.”

“So, is everyone okay with next Monday at eleven am?”

“For what?”

Kaoru drew himself up smugly. “We have an interview.”

Kyo grimaced. “An _interview_? What, with _questions_?”

“That’s usually how these things go, Kyo,” Shinya said.

“What’s it for?” Toshiya asked.

“An online music publication,” Kaoru said. “And they’re not the only ones who have contacted me. We were very well-received at the concert.”

“So we’re gonna have to do _more_ interviews?”

“Quit your crybabying,” Toshiya said. “You know it’s all part of it. Just talk about the music if you’re so uncomfortable sharing things.”

“They’ll honestly probably be most interested in Die, anyway,” Kaoru said. “But that works for everyone? I’ll send details on where we’re meeting, etc, later tonight or tomorrow.”

Everyone mumbled their acquiescence, and they started to pack away their equipment.

It was during that quiet time that Toshiya came and stood awkwardly next to Kyo until he looked at him.

“I don’t really think you’re a crybaby, and I’m sorry I said that,” Toshiya said.

Kyo blinked. “I know. I… don’t really care.”

“And I’m—” Toshiya cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for the other day, too. I shouldn’t have come at you like that, and I definitely didn’t mean to make you feel like I’m not supportive of… whatever it is that you have going on.”

“With…?”

Toshiya shrugged somehow frantically. “Whatever! I know how hard it is for you to connect with anyone, and it’s clear that you’ve been out of your shell more lately, and more engaged, and I guess I just. Worry. That you won’t see how deeply you’re getting into something until you’re so invested that—I don’t know. But it’s not like I don’t _want_ you to—”

“I get it,” Kyo cut him off. His rambling was starting to get kind of painful. “I got defensive, ‘cause I don’t want you guys to assume shit about me, and I don’t want you to decide shit _for_ me, but I… get it. I can’t know what it’s like, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the other day, and for—Then.”

Toshiya’s face softened, and he tentatively held his arms open, looking at Kyo with ill-disguised hope.

Kyo rolled his eyes and let himself be hugged for a few seconds before (gently) shoving Toshiya away.

Die was waiting for him by the door, pretending like he hadn’t been watching.

There was a bounce in Die’s proverbial step as they made their way home, and it made Kyo feel lighter too.

“You’re in high spirits,” he commented.

“Spirits! Is that a ghost joke?” Die pointed an accusing finger at him.

Kyo groaned. “I swear I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Too bad, it was a pretty good one,” Die laughed. “It was just a good rehearsal though! It’s been so long since I’ve had my original songs performed, I kind of can’t believe any of it is happening.”

“And then there’s the interviews,” Kyo said worriedly. He hadn’t ben too keen on Kaoru’s assumption that the interviewer would be most interested in Die. It wasn’t any of his business, but that didn’t stop him from wondering how Die would deal with inevitable questions about his life and death.

“Yeah, that’s exciting, too,” Die said, smiling.

Kyo’s heart sank even more. “Are you sure it’s a good idea though? Maybe you could skip it. I don’t think anyone would hold it against you if you wanted to opt out.”

Die gave him a quizzical look. “Why would I do that?”

“Because you know how it’ll be,” Kyo said. “They just care about getting a juicy story, and they’ll twist anything you say to sensationalize it as much as possible.”

“You sure have a grim outlook on this stuff for someone trying to get into show business.”

“Not grim, just realistic,” Kyo argued. “Maybe you can do like Toshiya said—If they ask personal questions, just bring it back to the music.”

“They’re gonna ask personal questions,” Die said. “I’m prepared for that, and I’ll answer as much as I feel like answering.” He tilted his head. “You’re sweet, to be so concerned, and to want to look out for me, but I promise, I can handle myself.”

Not for the first time that day, Kyo felt himself blushing furiously, and he let Die walk a couple paces ahead of him, so he could allow himself a private smile at the feeling of Die calling him “sweet.”

* * *

“Now, what everyone is _most_ interested in is, of course, your rhythm guitarist Die’s _unusual_ abilities,” the interviewer said, eyes bright and excitable.

Kyo scowled. They’d barely made it through some brief introductions before she’d cut straight to it.

“Oh, they’re not so unusual. I’ve been playing guitar for a long time is all,” Die said cheekily.

The interviewer laughed, evidently charmed. “In all seriousness, though. There are all kinds of rumors floating around about what happened at your concert. Will you give us the inside scoop? How much of what we saw that night was special effects?”

Kyo watched Die out of the corner of his eye, curious how he would answer. In all his attempts to work with Die in prepping for the interview, he’d never really gotten far in determining the angle Die would take; he’d just gone on insisting that he had the situation under control.

Looking at him now, it seemed that he had been telling the truth. Die didn’t appear nervous at all. He was smiling, practically rosy-cheeked as he danced around the interviewer’s questions without ever outright lying.

Even without the answers that the interviewer surely wanted, she didn’t seem unsatisfied, and moved on to question the rest of the band with a still-positive attitude. 

Most of it was pretty routine, basic questions to which the answers were interesting only because of the band’s lack of interviews prior. Overall, it wasn’t really as bad as Kyo had built it up to be in his mind.

Then she got around to asking Kaoru about the band’s name. He pointed out the tie-in to the theme of pain, so present in so much of their music, but she wanted an explanation of the “phantom” part of it, too.

Kaoru hesitated. Kyo had often seen him take his time in answering a question—he was the kind of person who put a lot of thought into his words before speaking aloud—but this time he seemed unsure. He looked to Die for guidance. How much should they give away?

Die took charge with a flash of his perfect smile. “That’s the part of the name they came up with when they brought me into the band.”

The interviewer turned back to him with interest. “You’re the _Phantom_, then?”

“It’s been said,” Die replied coyly, and they were out of time before they could delve into it much more.

Die’s answers only revealing part of the truth served to stoke the fires of their popularity. The local music scene was talking about Genshitsuu more and more, and they were gaining a following in a more long-distance capacity as well, thanks to online word-of-mouth.

Naturally, Kaoru was more focused than ever on them releasing new music, and they had their first track out on digital release by the end of that month.

“This is the perfect time,” Kaoru said with them all in the rehearsal studio again, preparing for a gig he’d booked them only another week out. “Everyone is curious, and they’re eager to take anything they can get their hands on.”

“At least they’ll be able to get excited about our music for once, instead of just rumors,” Kyo said with some bitterness.

“That’s how I feel,” Kaoru assured him. “I’m still hoping to find us some suitable management, and that can’t be done without something for them to listen to.”

Shinya nodded. “Any management company we find to represent us should be more interested in our music than our image or anything else.”

It was good to know that was something on which they were all still in agreement, even with the way they’d been riding the wave of people’s fascination with Die and his paranormal existence.

“After we’re done with this next live, I was approached by a local music magazine hoping for a photo shoot as well,” Kaoru informed them. “I hope no one minds me making some of the decisions about these things…”

“Don’t be silly, Kaoru,” Toshiya said. “If we had an issue with your leadership, it would have come up way before now.”

That was more or less true. Kyo had sometimes butted heads with Kaoru, sure, disagreeing about a direction in which he was leading them, or the manner in which he was doing so, but at the end of the day, he trusted Kaoru, and he knew they wouldn’t be the band they were without him as the driving force.

So it was that Kyo mentally prepared himself for the upcoming photo shoot. The concert didn’t seem daunting at all when there was the knowledge of the far more intimidating photo shoot on the other side of it. Kyo looked forward to getting onstage, to baring his soul to an audience, though he managed not to inflict any physical damage on himself this time around.

Die still did a few tricks—levitating during one of his guitar solos, making the lights flash—and the screams were just as loud as they’d been last time, if not louder. People loved it, and this time when the crowd demanded an encore, the band came back and delivered.

Kyo found himself smiling as he sang, looking out at the open expressions on the audience’s faces. He blew them kisses before he left the stage.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's cold and I'm sick! And here is a chapter!  
(ps please don't mind my total bs-ing about how band management etc works, shhhh shhhh)

“I’ve been reading some stuff online,” Die said. “About the band.” He was sitting on Kyo’s bed, scrolling on Kyo’s phone, and he barely glanced up at Kyo as he came in, having finished his bath.

“Don’t you know it’s dangerous to read the comments?”

“I’m just checking out people’s speculations,” Die said. “Some of them are pretty funny.”

“Funny how?” Kyo wondered. He came over to the bed and flopped down on it next to Die, sort of enjoying the fact of it, even though he kept a respectful distance.

“Oh, you know,” Die said. “Some people are arguing that I’m some kind of circus performer, and that my floating around is a feat done with wires. Some even claim to have been close enough to have _seen_ the wires.”

Kyo scoffed. “People will say anything.”

“Maybe they’re just desperately trying to make it make sense,” Die said, his brows knit together as he looked down at the screen. “Huh. This girl has an entire backstory written for me.”

“Is it any good?”

“Kind of reminiscent of Batman?”

Kyo let out a tired laugh. “Did the rest of us get some superhero origin stories, too? Dibs on Spiderman.”

“Hmm, here’s someone who seems pretty sure I’m a real ghost…” Die got quiet as he read, then hummed again. “They’ve got all their facts lined up. Oh, and this one has a lot of responses, too.”

Kyo propped himself up on one elbow. “Maybe you ought put it away for the night. Don’t wanna get eyestrain from too many screens.”

Die gave him a look, but exited out of everything and set the phone down. “It is interesting to be kind of connected to the outside world, though.” He leaned back on his hands.

The bed shifted under his weight, and Kyo looked him up and down in surprise. He hadn’t expected that Die’s energy would be focused and present enough for him to lean his weight so solidly on the bed. It just made it that much more real that he was _there_, sitting on Kyo’s _bed_, less than a meter away, in the very spot where Kyo had been lying when he’d had his fingers inside himself and had cum crying out for Die.

Heat pooled low in Kyo’s gut at the thought that he very much hadn’t meant to have. It was just difficult when Die was so _close_, and he knew how he was interacting with his surroundings, that if he touched him he’d really _be_ there, and Kyo would be able to _feel_ him.

He realized too late that he was staring, and that Die was watching him with one eyebrow raised.

“What are you thinking about?” Die asked softly.

Kyo only had to think for a few seconds before he came up with, “The photo shoot.”

“Not excited for it, huh?”

“What, and you are?”

“Might be kind of fun,” Die said, lifting and dropping one shoulder. “I’d think you’d at least like it more than an interview. It’s just another form of expression, aren’t you all about that?”

“Yeah, but I’m not great at fitting myself into someone else’s vision,” Kyo said.

“You do all right when we’re making songs in the studio.”

“That’s not the same thing,” Kyo said. 

It was true that he could see the appeal of a photo shoot; dressing up, going all out on hair and makeup, using photography to tell a story or evoke a feeling. But he doubted it would be anything he had much say in, and that made it less appealing.

“Just don’t overthink it,” Die said, as if it were something Kyo had any control over. “I’m just gonna look at it as a type of performance, and a chance to get out there.”

Kyo lay back down, flat on his back, and his thoughts carried him away. _A chance to get out there_. It had always been a dream for Kyo and the rest of the band, to be successful, to be known, and now that things were finally moving in that direction, all he could do was worry about Die.

Wouldn’t there be some backlash if they ended up famous and everyone knew that Die was dead? He could end up in danger from religious extremists, or even on a more immediate level, surely with all the publicity, people from Die’s old life would start seeing him. Kyo still wasn’t sure how long ago he’d died, how old his previous bandmates and the like would be now, but Die had never even left the very city where he’d always lived. Chances were low that he wouldn’t catch the attention of anyone he’d known back then.

Kyo was loath to bring it up; Die always seemed so confident that he could deal with everything on his own, but still Kyo wondered whether he was prepared to deal with his own ghosts.

“You fallin’ asleep on me?” Die’s voice interrupted his thoughts once again, and Kyo looked up at him, partly silhouetted by the light behind him.

“I wish. My brain is still on,” Kyo said.

“I know the feeling,” Die said, and lowered himself so he was lying beside Kyo, both of them staring up at the ceiling. “I could never sleep, either—back when I slept. I must have tried everything over the years, read books and did mind-clearing exercises, and usually just ended up drinking.” He turned his head to look at Kyo. “What do you do? Since you… can’t take prescription meds for it anymore.”

Kyo considered. What was honestly most helpful to him when trying to fall asleep was probably jacking off, but he wasn’t about to say that to Die. “I just suffer,” he said, and smirked to make it feel more like a joke. “Sometimes music helps.”

“Well,” Die said, pushing himself to sit up. “Let’s find some music to put on for you, then. I don’t want to keep you up when we’ve got that shoot tomorrow and you’re already stressed about it.”

Kyo very nearly caught Die’s arm and yanked him back down onto the bed. He had the distinct feeling that he’d sleep better pressed up against him.

Instead, he sat up as well, and watched as Die fiddled around on his phone, and then set it on the nightstand and plugged it in to charge, with music issuing from it softly.

“There,” Die said, and got to his feet. “I put on a restful playlist for you, and set your alarm for tomorrow morning. Now you can get some shuteye.”

Kyo crawled grudgingly under the covers. “I don’t know how you even got the password to my phone.”

“I pay attention,” Die said, smiling.

“Creep.”

Die laughed. “Yeah, get over it. It’s not like I’m going to hack your bank account or anything.”

“Hmph,” Kyo said, snuggling deeper into the bed. He looked up at Die through one eye. “And _you’ll_ be back in the morning, too?”

“Of course,” Die said. “If I’m running late, you can always call me again.”

“How?” Kyo said skeptically.

“Like you did that other time.” Die looked away. “With, you know, the note I wrote you.”

Kyo’s stomach flipped over and he was immensely glad Die wasn’t looking at him. “I don’t think that works.”

“It does,” Die said. “It did before.”

_Not the last time I tried it_, Kyo thought. He swallowed. Even if it _had_ worked that once, the note was long gone now. He thought of it, stained and ruined, in the garbage. “I don’t have it anymore,” he said.

“Oh.”

“I had to throw it away—you know, I was carrying it around so much, it just got all—messed up.”

“Mm.” Die frowned. “I guess… I should give you something else. Something studier, just in case you need to reach me…” He suddenly went off into the living room, returning a minute later. He held out his fist, and Kyo opened his palm so he could drop something into it.

It was a shiny red guitar pick, and he’d just fit in Sharpie, “_Call me_,” on one side, his name on the other.

Kyo turned it over and over again. “It won’t dissolve into energy along with you?”

“Not that one,” Die said confidently. “I got that pick from the venue, it’s real. And it shouldn’t get destroyed as easily as a slip of paper.”

Kyo nodded. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Die said cheerfully. “Goodnight, Kyo.”

“Goodnight.”

Die clicked the lamp off, and it was surprisingly easy for Kyo to fall asleep, the guitar pick still clutched in his hand.

The photo shoot was exactly as Kyo had imagined it in every way but one: to his surprise, they allowed him to design his own hair and makeup.

The stylist working the shoot said it was because they wanted to capture the genuine feeling of the band as they were, not just as she dressed them up to be. She was there to help with application and to offer them a selection of clothing and accessories, but she was far more hands-off than Kyo had expected and he was grateful for it.

They of course ran into a slight hiccup, when she tried repeatedly to get Die to choose something off the clothing rack.

“I need you to try it on so I can see how it fits,” she said with a touch of impatience.

“I’m sure it will fit fine,” Die said. “I can change into it once you leave.”

Kyo was sure she wasn’t used to this kind of insistent modesty from the musicians with whom she usually worked, but he could tell Die wasn’t going to back down.

“We’ll call you back in to see it once he tries it on,” Kyo suggested, and the stylist reluctantly agreed.

“Why’d she listen to you and not me?” Die complained once she was out of earshot.

Kyo shrugged. “Maybe she’s scared of me.”

“More than she’s scared of a ghost?” Die said, looking a bit indignant.

“To be fair,” Kyo said reasonably, “you seem to be going to some lengths to keep that on the down-low.” He chewed at his lip, heedless of how it might mess up his makeup. “Is that a law or anything? Something all spirits have to abide by, keeping their existence from the general living population?”

Die narrowed his eyes. “You’re thinking about the movie _Beetlejuice_ right now, aren’t you?”

Kyo opened his mouth, shocked at how he’d been caught. “That’s—not the only movie like that,” he mumbled defensively.

“I’m not Santa Claus or something,” Die said. “I just don’t want my being dead to be, like, my main characteristic. If people want to speculate, or it comes out later on, that’s whatever. But now, when we’re just starting out? I’d rather it was left more of a mystery.”

That made sense, and Kyo nodded.

“And if I tried to wear the physical clothing she gave me and then lost my concentration?” Die grimaced. “I could end up with a pretty unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. It’s better if I, well, _dress_ myself, to look like I’m wearing that outfit.”

“Not gonna lie,” Kyo said. “That’s still really fuckin’ cool.”

“It’s a good superpower, right?”

“Seriously underrated.”

The stylist didn’t question it when she returned as she’d been supposed to, to find Die apparently dressed, although she was impressed by just how _well_ the ensemble fit him.

“Like it was made for you,” she was muttering as she inspected him, followed by something about the sizes being difficult to read on the rack.

The shoot itself was over pretty quickly, and the band was dismissed to clean up. Kyo was halfway through removing his makeup when Kaoru came into the dressing area, looking the slightest bit guilty.

“What’s wrong?” Kyo asked at once. He was too accustomed to Kaoru’s mannerisms to not pick up on the fact that he had clearly _done_ something.

“So,” Kaoru began, in his businesslike way, “I had tried to set up a meeting with some possible management for today, but I’d been under the impression that it wasn’t going to work out.” 

“But?” Shinya prompted.

“But I… was mistaken,” Kaoru said. “And there is a man from a record label here, waiting to meet us.”

“_Here_?!” Toshiya said. “What the hell, Kao, why would you tell him to meet us _here_?”

“It seemed efficient.”

“But,” Toshiya looked down at himself. “I’m not dressed to meet a potential _manager_.”

It was true; since it was a photo shoot, and they’d known they’d be changing, he was in a t-shirt and sweatpants, and the rest of the band wasn’t much better off.

“I’m sure he’ll understand the situation,” Kaoru said.

“This was poor planning,” Shinya informed him. “You should have let someone else in on it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind for the future,” Kaoru said.

Kyo knew that wasn’t altogether true. Despite his claims that he liked to run things by Shinya before making a decision, this wasn’t the first time Kaoru had done something without thinking to get a second opinion, and it wouldn’t be the last.

“At any rate, I guess we’d better get out there and meet him,” Die said.

Toshiya glared at him. “Easy for you to say, Mr. Quick Change.”

Die just grinned, and a few minutes later saw the whole band coming out to find the manager waiting to meet them.

He introduced himself as Takabayashi, bowed, and shook hands with each member eagerly, stopping when he got to Shinya.

“Ah,” he said, eyes sparkling. “You must be Die. The one everyone is buzzing about, calling a _ghost_.” He looked Shinya up and down and smiled widely. “I don’t buy into such things, of course. I assure you, while I can certainly see the benefits of such a gimmick, it’s had basically no bearing on my interest in taking over management of your band.”

Shinya’s lips pressed firmly together, and then he said, “I’m Shinya. Die is that one.” He nodded towards the man in question, and he waved.

Takabayashi’s eyes widened. “Oh—Excuse me.”

“It’s fine,” Shinya said.

“It’s ‘cause you’re so pale, probably,” Toshiya teased, but Shinya ignored him.

"And if you _are_ thinking about managing us,” Die said, “I feel I should tell you that the rumors are true.”

Kyo raised his eyebrows, surprised that Die would be so forthcoming with someone they’d just met. Then again, he supposed Die was right; if this man _was_ to be their new manager, they would need to have him in the loop in order to better protect them from any backlash.

“The rumors…?” Takabayashi tilted his head.

“About me,” Die said. “I’m dead. What people have seen and reported at shows, paranormal this and that, it’s all real. I’m dead, I have been for years.”

Takabayashi gaped at him for a few seconds before managing to collect himself. “Oh, well—I—That’s good information to, um, to have, but as I said, it’s nothing to do with our interest in you as a band.”

“Why are you interested in us then?” Kyo asked suspiciously. “Die’s unusual circumstances are the main thing that’s been getting us any notice lately.” He hoped that hadn’t sounded as bitter to Die as it did to his own ears. He didn’t mean it that way, but he just didn’t see the point in denying the facts as they were.

Kaoru made some small throat-clearing noise and Kyo knew he’d be hearing later about how he shouldn’t have been so antagonistic when they were trying to make a good first impression.

But Takabayashi smiled. “Kyo, isn’t it?” he said. “The vocalist. A real powerhouse.” He nodded. “I understand your skepticism. It’s true that the press about Die here is what put you on our company’s radar, but I wanted a meeting because I listened to the digital track you released. To put it bluntly, I thought you guys have a unique and badass sound. It’s not something I’ve heard before, and I’d like to hear a lot more of it.”

That was about as good an answer as Kyo could have hoped for, and he didn’t say anything else snarky after that.

The meeting didn’t last an especially long time, and the rest of the band fell quiet to let Kaoru do most of the negotiating. In the end, everyone was in agreement and feeling pretty excited about where they were headed next.

Takabayashi left them all with copies of his business card, and promised to be in touch with information about the formation of their whole management team, hopefully setting up a meeting with everyone at the label’s offices by the end of the week.

“So I’m forgiven, yes?” Kaoru said as they all went back to the dressing area to gather their belongings.

“It worked out this time,” Toshiya said, “but you still should have told the rest of us what you were planning. I’m gonna stay moderately irritated at least a while longer.”

“I thought you knew by now to just get Shinya’s approval first,” Kyo said. “He’s got more sense than the rest of us, probably combined.”

No one argued, and Kaoru nodded resignedly.

“I do think he seems like a good fit,” Shinya said. “Even if he did mistake me for Die.”

“Yeah, I guess he really hasn’t been following the press that closely if he got you two mixed up,” Kyo said.

“I think Die almost gave him a heart attack concerning that ‘rumor’ though,” Toshiya said, snickering. “Did you see his face?”

“I’m sure he just thought I wasn’t all there, psychologically-speaking,” Die said. “He’ll find out the truth soon enough.”

They were just about to head out of the building when an especially loud clap of thunder called their attention to just how hard it was raining.

Kyo pulled his collar up. His jacket didn’t have a hood, as it hadn’t been raining when he’d left home.

“Kyo, let me give you a ride back,” Kaoru said, as if it were more a direction than an offer.

Kyo looked to Die, aware of how uncomfortable he was riding in cars. “It’s fine,” he said. “I don’t mind walking.”

Shinya and Toshiya stood, watching, like they were afraid to leave them there.

“I mind you walking,” Kaoru said. “In this downpour? We have performances lined up. You need to start taking better care of yourself.”

Kyo frowned. “Yeah, but—”

“You don’t want to get sick,” Shinya said gently.

“They’re right,” Die said, and Kyo turned to look at him again. “If you’re worried about me, don’t be. I’ll see you back at the apartment whenever.”

Kyo almost argued, but Kaoru’s hand was firm on his shoulder, and he could only call out, “Otsukare!” to the others as he was steered out the door and towards Kaoru’s car.

Kaoru was quiet as he got the car unlocked and they buckled themselves in. Kyo could tell he was about to get scolded for his attitude at the meeting and waited with dread for the lecture to begin.

They’d already been driving a few minutes when Kaoru said, “Did you hear? Takabayashi wants to get us a TV spot.”

“Mmhmm.” Kyo hadn’t asserted himself much into the latter part of the conversation, but he’d heard the idea tossed around. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it.

“That kind of publicity could be a huge deal for us.”

“I know,” Kyo said. So that was the direction it was going to take: Kyo was going to be passive-aggressively shamed for the damage his sass might do to the band’s success. “Look,” he said, “I get that a meeting with a manager is a big deal, and I’m _sorry_ for acting out—maybe if I had had more warning, and could have _prepared_ myself for—”

Kaoru cut him off with a shake of his head. “That’s not where I’m going with this.”

“Oh,” Kyo said, nonplussed. “Then what is?”

“I wanted to ask you some things,” Kaoru said, “about Die.”

Kyo should have seen that coming. “Like what?”

“Well, he said—He told Takabayashi-san that he’s been dead for _years_,” Kaoru said. “His death—wasn’t recent?”

Kyo shifted in the passenger seat. “No, I guess not.”

“How long ago did he die?”

“I don’t actually know,” Kyo said. “I knew it had been a while, but I told you before, I don’t know the precise amount of time.”

“It worries me, that we know so little,” Kaoru said.

“How do you mean?”

“His very existence on this plane is… unsteady,” Kaoru said. “We don’t know what he’s doing here, how long he’s been here, how he died—”

“I do know _some_ things,” Kyo said, more loudly than he meant to. “He’s told me stuff.”

Kaoru glanced over at him. “But not everything. Kyo, I’m not claiming to be some expert on the afterlife, but I know enough to know that spirits hang around on earth because they have some unfinished business. What happens when Die’s business is _finished_?”

Kyo couldn’t answer. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, hadn’t been willing to. It was obvious that Die had some unresolved guilt about the accident that had been the cause of his death. If Die was still holding onto those feelings, how could he ever move on?

And yet, Kyo found himself selfishly hoping that Die _wouldn’t_ forgive himself, that he’d cling to that guilt and remorse longer, because without it, what was there to keep him around?

Kaoru was right, after all. There were still things Kyo didn’t know. Much as he liked to make-believe that Die had been brought to him by some musical fate, some other explanation of ties to this world was far more likely; his old bandmates, his family, the girlfriend he’d had when he died.

They hadn’t gotten a chance at closure. Maybe she was the reason Die had been stuck here for some unknown years, and instead of going to resolve things there, Die was trapped with Kyo and his despicable need to keep him to himself.

Die wasn’t at the apartment when Kyo got home, and he thought that was probably for the best. He needed to start preparing himself for the eventuality of Die’s leaving, and he couldn’t do that with him around all the time. 

Kyo needed the space to ready himself for letting go.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh, yes, well *gestures* here's this
> 
> ps I have been doing a lot of writing lately since I've had some time, hahaha, you guys don't know, but I have. So much stuff (other fics) that I haven't posted. This one's a ways off from finishing still (should be 25+ chapters in all, not sure of the exact number yet), but currently in the works are two very separate (long) AUs, and two separate (slightly less long but tbh still like 20k or more) non-AUs, and that's not counting like ten other fics in various states of completion (including a couple short followups in the Retail AU?), and I'm just glad I have this space to share all my nonsense, and that some of you can enjoy it, too. Just feelin' nice about that. Thanks, y'all. <3

He knew it was a dream right away.

Even if there had been the possibility of Die lying in Kyo’s bed with him, pressed tightly against his back, it wouldn’t feel like that, so soft, so _warm_. No electricity.

He was still registering these details when Die ground his hips against him, and Kyo gasped. Maybe it wasn’t Die at all, maybe it was some _stranger_—fear started coiling through him abruptly, and he twisted, trying to remove himself from the warm embrace—

Die’s voice stopped him, “_Stay, like this_.” 

“Die,” Kyo whispered, grasping at the hand firm on his hip.

In response, Die’s hips rolled again, and Kyo felt his unmistakeable hardness pressing firmly against his ass.

Kyo’s mind was frantic as Die continued to move against him. It was a dream. He knew it, he could recognize it, but it didn’t stop him from moaning as Die held him tighter, strong fingers digging into the muscles of Kyo’s shoulder and hip.

“I’m close,” Die said hoarsely.

_From using me_, Kyo thought, outrageously turned on by the idea. All he said aloud was, “Oh god.”

Die pushed him more soundly into the pillows, his movements growing rougher. He took his hand from Kyo’s shoulder, thrust two fingers into Kyo’s open mouth.

Kyo licked and bit at them, clutching uselessly at Die’s wrist. He couldn’t pull himself together enough to suck on Die’s fingers properly, but he whimpered as they pressed down on his tongue, and Die’s breath was harsh in his ear as he could tell he was nearing his peak.

“F—uuck!” Die groaned, and his hips jerked a few more times before he came, and his weight settled, still half over Kyo, though he pulled his hand away from his mouth.

Kyo was still desperate to turn around, to see Die and be sure it really was him, even if only a dream version, and he took advantage of Die’s relaxed grip on him to push lightly until they were both lying on their backs.

And there was Die, clad only in his underwear, a lazy sort of smile on his face, his long hair fanned out across Kyo’s pillow. There was color on his cheeks, and Kyo felt a sharp pang of grief that he could never actually see Die in this afterglow, all boneless and breathtaking.

Kyo’s hand trailed up Die’s thigh and he gasped.

“Sensitive,” he said, but Kyo didn’t stop touching him. He just let his hand drift up higher, until he was palming at Die’s cock where it was still trapped in his boxers.

Kyo could feel where the fabric was damp with Die’s cum, could feel the heat of him, still half-hard, and he kept his eyes on his hand’s task, until Die swatted him with a disapproving click of his tongue.

“Kinky,” he scolded. “Trying to spread my cum around.”

Kyo couldn’t find it in himself to apologize. He kept staring as Die pushed himself to sit up.

“You want to see it?” Die’s voice had never been husky like that when Kyo had heard it, but he couldn’t claim not to like it.

He sat up, too, and nodded. He watched as Die slid his boxers down and revealed himself, partly hard and all messy.

One of Die’s hands came up and pushed into Kyo’s hair, fingers tangling comfortably in the strands. “Why don’t you get the head in your mouth?” he suggested.

Kyo didn’t hesitate to comply. He practically dove down to get a taste of what Die was offering.

He took more and more of him in, his tongue pressing along a vein on the underside. He felt him get harder, and when Die lay back against the pillows once more with a groan, Kyo pulled off, and focused on placing open-mouthed kisses up and down Die’s length, moaning as he sucked near the base.

It occurred to him that now was his chance to take his time to admire Die; now, when it was a dream, when it wasn’t real and there was no shame in staring.

So he stared, at Die’s cock, the lovely curve of it, its imposing size, the way it twitched, needy and wet. He leaned back in, nuzzled against it with his cheek, and savored Die’s soft sigh of pleasure above him, the taste of him still in his mouth, until the impossibility of it all overwhelmed him, and he awoke, alone in his bed.

He wasn’t surprised in the least to find himself hard when he awoke, but he was lacking any desire to show himself off this time. He couldn’t shake the feeling of Die in the dream, the _normalcy_ of it all, the warmth of him in bed alongside him. It seemed utterly unfair that his unconscious mind would torment him with such images, such feelings, when it was so far from something he could actually have.

Especially when he’d just been telling himself it was time to ready himself for letting Die _go. _How could he let go of someone who appeared in his dreams like _that_?

He thought of that sleepy, sated smile that had been on dream-Die’s face. It was so similar to the smile Kyo had seen on the real Die, more times than he could count, but just different enough that he was caught up in how badly he _wanted_ to see it, the real thing, wanted to be the cause of it.

He could imagine it so easily; Die smiling that way at him, leaning down to capture his lips in a kiss—Kyo hadn’t even gotten to kiss him in the dream. That was pretty fucked-up. He’d known it was a dream, why hadn’t he taken the opportunity to _kiss_ Die, to feel exactly how soft those lips were? What bullshit!

Then again, since he’d known it was a dream, he probably should never have let it go as far as it did. He should have forced himself to wake up from the first moment, since he knew perfectly well that it was no good for him to go on entertaining fantasies about Die like that.

It was too early to get up yet, so Kyo rolled over and tried to fall back asleep, thoughts of Die still filling his head. Maybe a little fantasizing never really hurt anyone, right?

* * *

Kyo woke again in the morning to the sounds of things moving around in the kitchen, delicious smells wafting all the way to his bedroom.

Die was cooking again.

Grabbing a sweatshirt from the pile of clean laundry on top of his dresser, Kyo shuffled out to where Die was busily working in the kitchen.

“Didn’t I tell you last time that it wasn’t necessary for you to cook for me?” Kyo said, rubbing at one eye. “I can’t exactly return the favor.”

“I’m not doing it so you’ll return the favor,” Die replied. “I felt bad I kinda ditched when we were gonna have movie night last night—that was last night, wasn’t it?”

Kyo had to think about it for a second, but then nodded.

Die smiled, pleased. “I’m getting better at that.” He turned back to whatever he had going on the stove. “Anyway, we’ve got another interview today, and I know those kind of take their toll on you, so it’s important that you’re getting enough to eat before a trying day.”

Kyo frowned at Die’s back. It didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t Die’s responsibility to make sure Kyo was eating properly, like he was some kind of housepet. Once again, he was struck with guilt over Die being here taking care of him, instead of finding peace with the girlfriend he’d had before he died.

Surely, Kyo thought, Die must have also been thinking of the incongruity of it all, must have been aware of how Kyo was monopolizing all his time and offering basically nothing in return.

“You really miss cooking or what?” Kyo said. He was about to head for the cupboard to take out what he needed to make coffee, only to realize Die was several steps ahead of him, and there was a steaming mug already sitting on the counter waiting for him.

Die made a little considering noise. “Maybe. Or it’s just nice to do something I kind of have some control over. It’s not like I was some master chef in life or anything.”

“But you’d still cook from time to time,” Kyo pressed, holding the mug of coffee with both hands. “For your family, or your girlfriend, or whatever.” He sipped at the too-hot drink as he watched Die’s face. It wasn’t quite as sweet as he usually took it, but he’d be damned if he was going to comment on such a thing to Die.

“I guess, sometimes,” Die said.

“I bet she really appreciated it,” Kyo said, and for some reason he added, “I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend really cook for me.”

Die looked at him a bit curiously, but didn’t respond.

“You were probably a better boyfriend than anyone I’ve dated in a lot of ways,” Kyo said. He still didn’t know why he was saying it. He didn’t generally talk much about his past relationships to anyone, since he didn’t see the point in dwelling on what was over and done. “You really loved her, huh?”

Die switched off the stove, nodded. “Food’s ready.”

Maybe it was wrong of Kyo to bring up Die’s girlfriend, to essentially wave it in his face that he’d lost her. Die was uncharacteristically quiet while Kyo ate breakfast, and clear through their journey to meet with the rest of the band for the interview.

Kyo didn’t want to call attention to Die’s mood and risk it turning into an argument right before they had to be interviewed, and so he said nothing, and kicked himself inwardly for never minding his own business or keeping his thoughts to himself when he should.

This interview was much the same as the last one, except Kyo felt even less like being there and talking about himself. Wherever possible, he tried to deflect, and let other members answer any questions not addressed to him specifically.

Compared to the last one though, the interviewer this time was a little bit more hip, and had clearly done her research. She knew all the variations of Die’s possible origin story, and seemed determined to get the facts to work out which was closest to the truth.

“My personal favorite is that you are some supernatural being, stranded here on earth," she said with an impressive lack of shame. “But that of course begs the question: What are you doing here? What brought you to our world?”

Kyo watched as Die’s eyebrows did a funny little furrow, like he was confused for a moment. He knew that Die tried not to straight-up lie in these situations, and he couldn’t really fathom it. Much as Kyo valued honesty and tried to tell the truth in everything he did, he felt like interviews were one of life’s exceptions. It was a kind of role they were playing, and sometimes it was fun to tell a bald-faced lie, just to see someone’s reaction.

There had been a conspicuously long pause by the time Die answered, “I’m here because I was… given an opportunity.” He wet his lips, and then smirked. “And I took advantage of it.”

Kyo was sure that was hardly a satisfactory answer for the interviewer, but she looked too uncomfortable to push it any further, and switched tracks, back to asking them about upcoming performances and hyping the digital release the band had out, with two more on the way.

It wasn’t all that satisfactory for Kyo, either, if he was honest. After all, that was one of the main points about Die’s whole story that he’d still been wondering about. He’d pretty much assumed that Die didn’t know himself why he was there, but the coy look on his face as he’d evaded the question made Kyo think that might not actually be the case.

He was still reluctant to bring it up afterwards. Die’s mood had been strange since the morning, and Kyo didn’t want to make matters worse. They returned home without him mentioning it. Everyone else had seemed so cheerful, excited about the chance to be seen and heard, in the public eye. Maybe Die could think Kyo felt the same way.

Except of course Die wasn’t completely ignorant, and he only waited for Kyo to lock the front door behind them before he started in on him.

“All right, what’s your deal? You’ve been biting your tongue since before the interview, I’m starting to worry it’ll affect your singing.” He raised an eyebrow expectantly.

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said. “I didn’t want to pick a fight with you, right before we had to—”

“You were planning on picking a fight with me?”

“Well, no, of course, I was _hoping_ it wouldn’t turn into a fight,” Kyo said. He felt cornered and panicky already, and he hadn’t even said anything yet.

“So you thought _I’d_ turn it into a fight.”

“Well, look what you’re doing right now! I didn’t know how it would go,” Kyo said. “You were in such a _mood_, and I thought it was my fault.”

Die looked genuinely confused. “Why?”

“‘Cause I was bringing up your girlfriend!” Kyo threw up his hands. “It’s none of my business, and I shouldn’t have made you feel worse about losing her, I was just being a thoughtless asshole like usual, and I’m sorry.”

“You’re not—” Die sighed. “It’s just complicated.”

“And then what you said in the interview—and I don’t know if you were just kind of saying tricky things to amuse yourself—”

“Which?” Die shook his head. “What—which what I said in the interview?”

They’d made their way to the living room, a comfortable space for Die, if it became an argument. How unfair, Kyo thought, that he’d managed to totally lose any sense of power in one of the main rooms of his own apartment.

Kyo raked a hand through his hair, mussing up how he’d had it styled for the interview, and sat himself on the arm of the couch. “She asked why you were here. And I… I’ve always wondered that, too. But I didn’t realize you’ve had the answer this entire time.”

“Oh,” Die said with a look of understanding.

“I liked to think sometimes,” Kyo went on, picking at a rip in his jeans, “that maybe you were here for me. That you appeared to me—to the band, specifically, so we could make music together. It’s too unlikely to be a coincidence, right? But I guess you’ve never believed that."

“I don’t know what I believe,” Die said. “I kind of like your idea, but why I’m here, why I showed up to you when I did…A lot of spirits move on, you know. People die, they find peace, and they pass out of this world, and I... couldn’t." He came around to sit lightly on the other end of the couch, facing Kyo, though he wasn’t looking at him. “It was like how I couldn’t fall asleep when I was alive, only this time I couldn’t just drink myself out of consciousness.”

Kyo watched as Die started to fidget absently, his hands toying with anything in reach. For the moment it was the edge of his wristband.

“I would try to just let go and drift away, but there was too much in my head, anxieties clawing at me and keeping me awake, keeping me _heavy_. Guilt and regret and a load of other generally shitty feelings.” Die closed his eyes. “Eventually I stopped even trying.”

“That’s how you got stuck here?” Kyo asked.

“That’s why I’ve been here as long as I have,” Die said. “And then came that opportunity I spoke of. The fourth anniversary of my death.”

Kyo dimly recalled Die’s asking the date that first night they met. “Four… Shi.”

Die nodded. “Death is all squares. I was granted the chance to come and tie up all my loose ends, to _appear_ to the living, so that I could make amends and find closure.”

“But you haven’t done that,” Kyo said.

“I didn’t realize it until I met you and you could see me,” Die explained. “And then I could have, could have manifested my energy, probably in any of my old haunts, could even have hung around my own tombstone, and waited for the people I knew in life to visit and pay their respects.”

“And if you’d done that,” Kyo said slowly, “you could be free.”

“I could finish everything up and leave Earth behind once and for all,” Die said.

“You still could.” The words felt like a betrayal as they left Kyo’s lips. Why would he encourage Die to move on, to leave, to leave him behind?

Only because he loved him. Kyo wanted Die to find peace more than he wanted to keep him to himself, and that realization was surprisingly painful, like a javelin through his ribcage.

“I could,” Die agreed. “I told you before that I’m too scared and ashamed to face any of them.”

“Is that really why you haven’t done it?”

It had been months by now, and it was a little hard for Kyo to imagine that Die was existing in such a state of terror of his past that he would avoid confrontation at the expense of his blissful escape from his unhappy ghosthood.

Die paused, worrying his lip. He got up from the couch, pacing soundlessly around the room. “That was what I told myself, at first. That I couldn't bear the thought of seeing any of them again, that I deserved to stay here, to _punish _myself. But things… _changed_.” He stopped pacing, and stood behind the couch, meeting Kyo’s eyes. “I met you—and the _band_,” he looked away again, “and everything was different. What I wanted and what I _could have_… All of it changed.”

He’d somehow moved even closer to where Kyo was perched, without him noticing.

“So…” Kyo swallowed. “Now you’re here by choice?”

Die nodded. He was looking at Kyo again, his eyes seeming impossibly large and earnest, like he was baring something extremely personal. “At this point,” he said—_whispered_, really, “I’m not supposed to be here anymore. But someone would have to really want to get rid of me, ‘cause I’ve made up my mind already that this… is where I want to be.”

There was such little distance between them now that Kyo could feel the crackle of his energy, almost sparking against his skin. Without consciously thinking about it, he leaned in towards Die, and Die leaned in, too, only to catch himself mere centimeters from Kyo’s face.

Die cleared his throat quietly. “I, um.” His gaze turned away. “I should leave you, to do. Whatever you need to get done. But I’ll, um, see you around. Tomorrow, maybe.” And with that he faded away faster than Kyo had ever seen him do before.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update, 'cause I might not have time tomorrow, 'cause I'm going to the Dir en grey concert!! Yesss, seeing the boys live!! I will cry and be happy and I will pass along the love from all y'all as well. If anyone else is going to the show tomorrow, be sure to say hellooo~  
(seriously I've seen them so many times but I'm stoked af, they were posting today about being IN MY CITY and I'm like YES I AM HERE TOO!!)  
This chapter's gettin' into some subplot a little, I hope it's enjoyable and keeps everyone busy till I get to do the next regular update xoxoxo!!

They didn’t talk about it.

Both Kyo and Die were apparently content to not discuss what had been something of a close call. They had almost kissed. Kyo was confident he hadn’t dreamed it that time; there had been some weird chemistry or tension in the moment, and he and Die had come incredibly close to kissing—and then they’d stopped, and Die had left and they didn’t talk about it again.

Kyo wasn’t sure what it meant. He’d seen Die of course nearly every day since then, and had no repeat incidents. It could have just been a fluke. They’d been having a sort of sensitive discussion, maybe feeling more vulnerable than usual, and things had gotten too intense. It would have been easy to accept it as such and forget it.

Except Kyo wasn’t forgetting it. He was thinking about it every day, multiple times a day, how close Die had been, the depth of his eyes, the way his lips were just parted—Was it even possible to forget all that?

It didn’t help any that Die kept _looking_ at him. There had been several moments since that day, where Kyo had caught Die staring at him, in a lingering sort of way that he found difficult to ignore. Maybe it hadn’t been a fluke as much as they’d have liked to pretend it had.

The entire thought path was becoming familiar, and Kyo was thinking through it all again as he went through his morning workout, earbuds in his ears. 

Even with how he was being active, keeping his body moving, he found it was cold enough in his apartment that he had goosebumps springing up along his bare arms. Maybe he was just getting more sensitive to temperature as he aged?

He repositioned his legs for his next set of crunches, working his obliques, and had made it through two when he gave a start as all at once he noticed Die sitting calmly on the floor, close enough to almost bump into him.

Die wore a neutral expression on his face, seemed to just be watching him. “Did I scare you?” he asked, though he didn’t seem too remorseful either way.

“Well, yeah,” Kyo said, leaning back on his hands. “You could have said something instead of just sitting there watching me like some kinda weirdo.”

“You have earbuds in,” Die pointed out, and he reached forward, tugged on the cord until one earbud popped out and fell against Kyo’s chest.

Just like that, Kyo was very aware of how shirtless he was under Die’s gaze, of how his nipples were hard in the cold of the room. He shivered.

“What’re you listening to?” Die asked.

Kyo didn’t know how he could do it, how he could sit that close and act like they were just having a normal conversation. He didn’t feel like _he_ was the one making it weird. Unless he was? But the way Die kept looking at him…

He’d paused longer than he meant to, and had to scramble to answer Die’s question. “Some band one of my coworkers recommended. They’re not bad, maybe a little poppier than I’m generally into.”

“I never think about you having coworkers,” Die said.

“Eh. I use the term generously,” Kyo said. “I don’t see them so often, ‘cause I’m stuck downstairs working the counter.”

“You never get to trade off?”

Kyo scoffed. “You need a degree to actually talk about the art. I didn’t even finish high school.”

“But you work there. I bet you know enough about the pieces to work away from the counter.”

“Yeah, it’s all bullshit, but y’know, that’s above my pay-grade. I’m lucky to work there at all, instead of it just being some intern.”

“I still haven’t had the chance to tag along with you.”

Kyo made a face, shifting to scratch an itch in the middle of his back. “I don’t know why you’d want—” Hs sentence cut off as he suddenly remembered the painting in the amateur gallery. He hadn’t even thought about it in weeks, but it came rushing back, how he’d wanted to tell Die about it, to _show_ it to him. “Actually, yeah. Why don’t you come with me today?”

Die’s face lit up. “Yeah? It won’t cause you trouble?”

“Nah,” Kyo said. “But I might pretty much leave you on your own once we get there.”

“You’re not gonna give me the tour?” Die said.

“I told you, I don’t have the degree! The others will tell you anything about the art you wanna know.”

Die looked down at his hands in his lap. “I guess. I’d rather hear what you had to say about it all.”

Kyo wasn’t altogether comfortable with the way Die’s tone made his stomach flip over. That was inconvenient. “There is one piece at least that I want to show you—want to get your opinion on.”

“Really?” Die said doubtfully. “I’m no art expert.”

“Neither is the artist.”

Die snorted. “That’s kinda harsh.”

“I don’t mean it like that,” Kyo said. “It’s in our amateur gallery. But the subject in interesting.” He didn’t want to say more about it, in case it made Die wary somehow, so he dropped back down onto the floor. “I have to finish my workout.”

He’d hoped that would end their conversation, but Die just leaned his chin on one hand, settled in like he was going to keep watching. “You do this every day?”

“I try to,” Kyo said, trying to pick up his crunches where he left off.

“Guess that explains a few things,” Die murmured, his eyes roaming over Kyo’s body. “I’ve never seen you working out before.”

“You’re not usually here in the morning.” Kyo closed his eyes, hoping it would make it easier to concentrate on what he was doing when he was less aware of how he was being watched.

“Hmm. I have always been a night owl.” Die’s voice remained neutral, patient, as he waited for Kyo to finish.

Kyo gritted his teeth. It wasn’t exactly that he didn’t want Die looking at him—it was almost the opposite. The more he thought about Die fixing him with that penetrating stare, watching every little movement of his half-naked body, the more he could feel heat coursing through him, in spite of the cold, and he was starting to worry about just how much Die might see.

“You do weights, too, huh?” Die said casually.

“Mmhmm.”

“Right, yeah. Obviously.” A pause, then, “Are you gonna do that when you’re done?”

Kyo sighed, opened his eyes, and pushed himself into a sitting position to better look at Die. “Maybe just a couple sets with my free weights. I usually go to the gym when I want to do heavy stuff.”

Die nodded. “Sure, I figured, you’d have to.” He bit his lip, then asked, “So how much can you lift?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow. _I could bench-press you_, he skillfully managed not to say. “Why do you care?”

“Curious,” Die said with a shrug. “I used to work on my body a lot, too.”

Kyo didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t want to be insulting—and certainly Die looked great in the shape he was in—but he didn’t seem to have a lot of muscle mass that Kyo could see. He was basically scrawny.

His silence must have been easy to interpret, because Die chuckled. “Yeah, I was never able to keep the weight on. I was constantly being told to eat more, and just found that so difficult. It felt like I was already eating a _ton_, but then my weight was never where it was supposed to be. I suppose it’s kinda nice to not have to worry about it anymore.”

Kyo nodded. “I have to work pretty hard to maintain it, too.”

“Looks good, though,” Die said. “Especially with the tattoos.” His eyes lingered a moment longer and then he got to his feet. “Think I’m making you kind of uncomfortable, so um. Yeah, sorry. I’ll be.” He jerked his thumb in the direction of the other room. “Let me know when we’re leaving, yeah?” Then he exited, right through the wall, and although Kyo had seen him do similar things before, it was still sudden enough to catch him off-guard, and he had to take a few seconds to process it.

The rest of his workout passed more or less in peace, and after a quick shower, Kyo roused Die from where he was lazily watching some children’s morning program on TV, and they headed out for the museum.

It was a strange new experience. Kyo had never brought someone with him to the museum; no one had ever wanted to see it. That was the thing about Die: he was always so interested, in whatever Kyo was doing, even his boring day job, and Kyo hated how worthwhile it made him feel, knowing that someone really _cared_ about what was going on in his life.

Die chattered excitedly the whole trip, trying to get Kyo to tell him about his coworkers the same way he had with the band members.

“It’s not the same,” Kyo told him. “I mean they’re good guys, but they don’t care about me, and no offense, but they’re not gonna care about you, either.”

“That’s fine!” Die said. “I don’t need them to care about me!”

As if they were waiting for this opportune moment, two college-age girls suddenly approached them with a shy, “Excuse me…”

Kyo gave them a half-annoyed once-over. “Yes?”

The braver of the two girls stepped a little closer. “We hate to bother you, but aren’t you from the band, Genshitsuu?”

Kyo’s eyebrows shot up, and he was grateful Die was there to take over.

“Yes, we are,” he said, smiling. “Nice to meet you, I’m Die.”

The more talkative girl suppressed a high noise. “I know! I mean, nice to meet you! I’m Kiyoko, and this is Yoshie, and we-we have tickets to your show on Friday!”

“That’s wonderful, thank you so much for supporting us,” Die said, and bowed.

“I listen to your songs all the time,” the second girl blurted out. “I can’t wait for the full album.”

“Neither can I!” Kiyoko said, sounding defensive.

Die laughed good-naturedly, and Kyo realized he was staring at him just as much as the girls were. He still hadn’t said anything useful.

“Do you want, ah, an autograph? Or something?” Kyo mumbled. He patted his pockets for a pen, but instead found Die’s pick, and reached into the pocket to clutch it in his hand.

The girls eagerly provided pen and paper, and both Die and Kyo signed it and handed it back.

One would think they’d handed back wads of cash from how the girls held their new treasures.

“Thank you!” they cried, bowing.

“You’re welcome!” Die said sweetly. “Enjoy the show Friday night, okay?” He waved as they went on their way, and Kyo just stood and watched them go.

They were only a block or two from the museum, and strangers were coming up, recognizing him…

“You okay?” Die nudged him gently, the accompanying spark waking him up a little.

“What are the chances?” Kyo said, looking up at him. “I walk this same road five days a week.”

“You’re probably easier to recognize when I’m with you,” Die said. “Just be glad they didn’t hug you,” he added with a grin.

They finished the trek to the museum, and Kyo could have sworn he saw more people looking at them, whispering amongst themselves.

“I know what it is,” Die said, when at last they reached their destination and were going inside. “Our article went up on that local music blog yesterday. This is the part of the city where there starts being more nightlife, performance venues, that kind of thing, so there are probably more music lovers around here. They’re starting to take notice.”

The idea made Kyo deeply uncomfortable.

“You’re not kind of excited?” Die asked. “You want to make it big in the music scene, right?”

“I guess,” Kyo said. “But I don’t want people to have a reason to talk to me.”

Die laughed. “You might just have to get used to it.” He paused, looking around the first room of the little art museum with wide, appreciative eyes. “So, this is where you work.”

“Ah, yeah,” Kyo said. He shrugged. “Ta-da.”

Die’s eyes kept moving as he nodded slowly. “’s a little dead.” 

“Look who’s talking.”

That got him a snort, and Die came over to the counter where Kyo was starting to boot up the computer.

“Really though,” Kyo said, “it’s not open yet.” He held his arm out so Die could read his watch. “I clock in at 9:45, and then we’re open to the public at 10:00.”

“Oh.” Die looked around yet again. “So I’m not supposed to be in here.”

Kyo made a dismissive noise. “Who cares, you’re fine.”

“I thought I saw someone else in here,” Die said, frowning. He looked off towards the first floor exhibit.

“Maybe one of the guys got here early,” Kyo said. He fiddled with the computer mouse in a vain attempt to get it to boot up faster. “Long black hair?”

“Mm-mm. Short.”

Kyo looked up at him. “Short hair?”

Die nodded.

“No. They all have long hair.”

“Maybe someone got a haircut,” Die suggested. “Or I could have just been imagining something person-shaped that was actually one of these art pieces.”

“Hmm.” Kyo didn’t like the idea that there could be some unknown person wandering around the museum outside of business hours, and he didn’t know if he bought Die’s claim that he might have imagined it. Could ghosts’ eyes play tricks on them?

In any event, he wasn’t keen on going around himself to investigate. He might be able to muster up an imposing stage presence, but he didn’t like his chances of taking on someone in real life, especially in the unlikely case that they could be armed.

Kyo clocked in, and his anxiety only grew as each of his coworkers arrived, hair in the same style as ever. He didn’t even bother with introducing Die to any of them, despite the fact that he was lurking around the front desk rather conspicuously, unwilling to go off and keep himself entertained.

Kyo almost warned his coworkers about the possible intruder before they went upstairs, but he kept his mouth shut. He hadn’t seen anyone, after all, and the cleaning staff had been there that morning, so there was little chance of someone remaining hidden in the locked building since closing time the night before. He was just being paranoid.

He was walking back from officially unlocking the front door when Die stood before him.

“Why are you making that face?”

“What face?” Kyo said.

“That one you’ve been making for the past twenty minutes,” Die said, “like you’re trying to get a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth and it’s causing you great distress.”

“I’m not—” Kyo sighed, getting back behind his desk. “I guess I got kind of freaked out by what you said.”

“About seeing someone,” Die said.

“But I’m just being… Don’t worry about it,” Kyo said. “In fact, you should go explore. You didn’t come to the museum just to hang around the counter with me, did you?”

Die went on frowning at him. “You’re afraid?”

“Maybe a little,” Kyo admitted. “I’m not… the biggest guy.”

“You work out, though,” Die said. “You’re hardly defenseless.”

“I’m a pacifist.”

“To everyone but yourself, hm?” Die put his hands in his pockets. “Don’t you guys have security or someone who can take a look around?”

Kyo raised an eyebrow at him. “Have you seen this place? We have alarms to protect the more valuable art, but not _guards_ or anything, we don’t have the budget for it.”

“I’ll investigate, then,” Die said. “I may not have security experience, but I’m pretty much invulnerable, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”

“There’s probably nothing to investigate,” Kyo protested weakly.

“Even better,” Die said, smiling. “I can see all the exhibits on the way.”

He set off, and Kyo missed his presence immediately. All at once it was a regular, lonely work day, just like any other, and he wished he hadn’t told him to go.

The morning passed slowly, normally, uneventfully. Kyo supposed that was a good thing. He made smalltalk with the guests who came by the counter, and messed around on twitter during quiet periods. Even when it was Kyo's lunch break, Die didn't return, and Kyo didn't go looking for him, since perhaps it just meant he was getting really into the art.

It wasn’t until after three o’clock that one of Kyo’s coworkers came down from upstairs, a strange, uneasy look on his face.

“Hey, Yuchi, what’s wrong?” Kyo asked as the other man approached the front desk purposefully.

“You know, sometimes I think we really need to invest in some proper security for this place,” Yuchi said in a low voice.

Kyo’s stomach turned. “What makes you say that?”

“There’s some guy upstairs—and he’s not acting violent or anything so I don’t want to call the cops, but he’s probably got some mental problems. He’s just standing there talking to himself, laughing and everything,” Yuchi said. “And he’s not on a bluetooth, that’s what I thought at first, but no, he’s just being… Not that I mean anything against people who are mentally ill, but some of the other guests have been mentioning it to me.”

Kyo hadn’t seen anyone come in who had been acting strangely, and could only deduce that it was the intruder Die had spotted earlier. “A man with short, black hair?” he asked.

Yuchi frowned. “He—what? No,” he said. “Why? The guy has longer hair, dyed, red.”

Kyo felt his eyes widen. “_Die_?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Red-haired guy, leather jacket, tattoo on his right hand?” Kyo said.

“Wait, you know this person?”

“Yeah, he’s my—um, he’s in my band, we’re friends,” Kyo said. “He came here with me today, to see where I work.”

“Oh. Well, does he normally do… that?” Yuchi asked. “Talk creepily to himself in public places?”

“Not that I’ve seen,” Kyo said. “Let me—Here, watch the desk.” He didn’t give Yuchi a chance to refuse before taking off for the stairs.

It didn’t take him long to find Die. He was there on the second floor, and sure enough, all the other guests were leaving him plenty of space, as he was apparently engaged in a full-blown conversation, though Kyo couldn’t see with whom.

As he got close, Die glanced up and saw him, his face splitting into a grin.

“Kyo! Come look at this!” Die reached for him, strong fingers closing around his wrist, and then Kyo was being dragged through the exhibit until he was brought to a stop, unsurprisingly in front of a certain anonymously-submitted painting.

He stared up at it for the second time, felt the same electric chill dance through him as before, but he didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Die was watching him with this gleeful expectancy.

“That’s it!” Die hissed in excitement. “The other realm, the place I’m always telling you about!”

“I know,” Kyo replied lamely.

Die’s face dropped. “You do?”

“This is the painting I wanted to show you,” Kyo said. “I’m just easily distracted, and I guess when you said you saw someone—”

“Oh, yeah, I found him, too,” Die said, gesturing past Kyo’s shoulder.

“You found…” Kyo didn’t need to turn and look over his shoulder; he knew he wouldn’t see anyone. “You found the artist.”

Die nodded. “I guess he crossed over pretty recently, but he says he used to come to this museum a lot in life, so it’s where he’s been making camp. He knows a shit-ton about art, actually.”

Kyo didn’t doubt it, of course. He believed everything Die was saying, but he got the impression that Die wasn’t looking at the bigger picture. “Die, I can’t see him.”

“You can’t—” Die’s brow was wrinkled, then it dawned on him. “Oh. Right.” He kept looking past Kyo, something plainly apologetic in his expression.

“Can you ask him, though,” Kyo said, “how he managed to get his work submitted if he can’t be seen? Or can he be seen by some people?”

Die shook his head. “People can only see me because of what I told you; I was given the chance to come finish things up. If his death was more recent, he can’t appear to anyone.” He made a face then, and Kyo realized he was listening to whatever the other ghost was saying. “Right,” Die said, after a pause, but he wasn’t speaking to Kyo. “I know, I’m sorry.”

Kyo was torn between respecting the stranger’s privacy and his overwhelming curiosity about what they were discussing right over his shoulder. He kept quiet.

Die’s gaze followed nothing as the ghost must have walked around towards him, then his eyes flicked to Kyo for a second. “No,” he said. “No, it’s—” He paused. “I’m aware. He’s a friend.”

That caught Kyo’s attention. It would seem that what was being discussed was, in fact, _him_. He tilted his head curiously and hoped Die would explain.

Die acknowledged the look. “He was hoping to speak with his family, maybe the same way I speak to you.”

“Ah,” Kyo said. He felt for the guy. It had to be hard to be stolen away from a loving family, maybe a wife and kids— “Wait a minute. Does he have a wife and two boys?”

Die looked at the empty space to his left, and turned back to Kyo. “How did you know?”

“I think I… met them,” Kyo said.

Die’s eyebrows lifted. “You met his family?”

“I just happened to,” Kyo said. “Assuming they’re the same ones, they came in to the museum a while back. His wife mentioned how much he’d liked coming here, but I didn’t realize when she said it that he had such a solid excuse for not returning.”

“But he did return,” Die pointed out.

“I didn’t know that, either,” Kyo said. “Though I did wonder.”

“Is there anything else you can share about his family?”

There really wasn’t, but Kyo still wracked his brain trying to think of something. “I haven’t seen them back here, but… I did give them a handout with information about the workshops we offer. His wife said they might check them out sometime.” He hesitated, then asked, “Couldn’t he go check on them, try to communicate with them at home, instead of staying here at the museum?”

“It’s a tricky business,” Die said. “Maybe he could, but…” He paused, listening again, then related, “He doesn’t want to turn their _home_ into a haunted house. He wants to give them the freedom to move on, he just… wishes he could say goodbye.”

“It seems like he’s very capable,” Kyo said. “I bet he could figure out a way to get in touch with them. He figured out how to submit his work to the museum.”

Another pause, then, “That was easier, he says. He was able to just leave his painting with the other amateur submissions once everyone was gone for the day, since he was here anyway. No one questioned it.”

“How did he even make it?”

Die looked to the side again, and then laughed. “That, uh, he says he got supplies from the museum gift shop. He apologizes for that.”

Kyo’s mouth hung open. “From the gift shop??” He shook his head. “At least I guess they were used to make some good art. Man.” He supposed after death, shoplifting a canvas and some paint wouldn’t seem to matter so much.

A hush fell over them for a time; Kyo was pretty sure even the ghost he couldn’t see wasn’t talking. He didn’t really know, though, what to do with any of this new information. There were other ghosts wandering around the world, going about their business, and Kyo was unaware of them. They had more suffering than he even knew, unable to appear to their loved ones, and there wasn’t anything Kyo could do about any of it.

“I have to go back to work,” he said.

“Kyo,” Die reached out to stop him from turning, and dropped his voice. “You’ve met his _family_. Don’t you think there’s some way we could help him get in contact with them?”

Kyo didn’t answer right away. He had a moment of panic. 

This entire ghost business was getting away from him. It was one thing when it was just Die, a spirit dropped into his lap in his own apartment, but this was some man he’d never heard of, and he was supposed to, what, act as some liaison to the dead? How had he gotten himself into such a position? He wasn’t qualified for that kind of task.

Yet there was something pulling him from within, calling him to do anything he could to help this unknown artist find peace. And with Die looking at him, hope stirring in those deep brown eyes, like Kyo was the _answer_, like Die believed in him, trusted him, _needed_ him, how could Kyo possibly deny him?

He took a deep breath and told him, “Count on it.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellohello, updating a little bit early again because I have karaoke plans~ but this chapter is pretty short, so there's a chance that I'll post an extra chapter this week, if I have time.  
(Side-spoilery(?)-note: I feel like. Heh, this might be the chapter where it is increasingly apparent that I'm writing nonsense, but it was always gonna be this way, so hopefully we can all just accept and enjoy it xoxo)

Kyo tossed another chocolate wrapper into the growing pile on the table before him. The meeting had officially ended, but the band was still gathered around the table in the record label conference room, and as long as he was sitting there, Kyo wasn’t going to stop eating what had been provided for him.

“Well, Kyo?” Kaoru said. “You were pretty quiet throughout the meeting, but I know you have opinions, so what do you think?”

Kyo shrugged. “I think it’s not really our style, but that what I think doesn’t matter that much.”

“Which part isn’t our style?” Kaoru asked.

Toshiya laughed. “Which part _is_? A TV commercial, all smiling on some beach, doing some company’s selling?”

“A _beer_ company,” Kaoru said. “You like beer.”

“But Kyo doesn’t. He basically doesn’t drink,” Shinya said. “And neither does Die, for that matter.”

“True,” Die said. “But in life, I loved beer.”

“And this would be a huge publicity opportunity for us,” Kaoru said. “Kyo, surely you must see that, right? Being on TV like that would get us seen on a national scale.”

“I know,” Kyo said.

“So, you realize how important it is for us.”

“I already said it doesn’t matter what I think, didn’t I?” Kyo unwrapped another chocolate. “Why is it necessary for you to hear my opinion when you’re just going to disregard it anyway?”

“I’m not disregarding it,” Kaoru said. “I’m acknowledging it—”

“And then you’re making the ultimate decision that you know what’s best for the band,” Kyo said. “Like you always do.” He didn’t raise his voice. He wasn’t even really upset, it was just how these things tended to go, and he didn’t see why Kaoru would try to deny that.

“You think you know better?” Kaoru asked.

“I didn’t say that.”

Kaoru let out a growl of frustration. “I don’t see why you’re being so difficult.”

“How am I being difficult?” Kyo said, confused. “I’m just sitting here—_you_ asked my opinion, I told you, but I never said I was _unwilling_ to do the commercial. It’s the same thing I always say: If you’d ask me to do something different from how I’m doing it, then I’d change it, no problem. You get all bent out of shape though, over whatever I’m doing in the first place. How can I know it’s not what you’re looking for, if you don’t tell me what you _are_ looking for?”

“Why are we arguing about it?” Die said. “Kyo already agreed, but you can’t make him _want_ to do it. Let it go, Kaoru.”

Die wasn’t usually one to involve himself in band conflict, and it seemed that Kaoru was surprised enough by his contribution that he let his next retort go unsaid.

“Everyone’s just tense because it was such an official meeting,” Toshiya said. “More pressure than we’re used to.”

It was true, that there had been a certain air of Professional Industry Nightmare to what they’d just sat through. Their whole new management team had been there, talking about publicity and image and contracts, and all the details that were more a byproduct of success than the music-making in which they were primarily interested. 

“I think there are other matters with which we should be more concerned,” Shinya said, and they all looked over. “You heard what Takabayashi was saying, about intellectual property, and ownership of our music, right?”

They all nodded, though Kyo didn’t feel like admitting he’d only been half-listening to whatever had been said.

“So what about Die?” Shinya said.

Toshiya leaned forward on the table. “What do you mean?”

“How is Die supposed to have legal rights to anything we make together,” Shinya said, “when he’s dead?”

Everyone went quiet, looked at Die instead.

“I don’t say that to be hurtful,” Shinya said apologetically. “I just want you to… well, get your cut.”

“No, I know,” Die said. He looked thoughtful, then shrugged. “Honestly, it’s not such a big deal to me.”

A crease appeared between Kaoru’s brows. “How can you say that?” Maybe he was just in the mood to argue.

“Money doesn’t mean anything to me,” Die said. “I have nothing to save for, I don’t eat, I stay with Kyo—if anything, he should get my share, since he pays the rent to support both of us.”

Kyo looked up from the chocolate he’d just picked up in surprise. “What? I don’t want your money!”

“Then divide it evenly amongst yourselves,” Die said. “It’s not like I need it for anything.”

“That doesn’t feel right,” Toshiya said.

Die sighed. “The contracts, the profit, none of that is why I’m doing this.” He looked down at his hands, idly tugging at each other. “It’s… the music. You guys, performing, it makes me feel—alive.” He paused. “If it makes you feel better, we could set it up so we make sure some money gets sent to my parents, so I have the secure knowledge that they’re at least taken care of.”

“No,” Kaoru said firmly.

Kyo had thought that sounded pretty reasonable, and couldn’t imagine what fault Kaoru saw in it.

“That’s not the point,” Kaoru continued. “It’s not about the money, or what we do with your ‘share.’ It’s the _principle _of it. This is music we’re making _together_, writing and playing _as a band_, and Die, you’re part of that. You should have rights to it as much as any of us, should get the proper credit for what you create.”

Die stared at him for a second before letting out a skeptical kind of laugh. “What difference does it make?”

“It makes all the difference,” Kaoru said. “There has to be some loophole we can exploit, some way to see to it that you have rights to your intellectual property the same as the rest of us.”

“How?” Toshiya said. “Even his signature on the contract can’t be legally binding if he’s not alive.”

“Maybe we could bring in his next of kin,” Shinya suggested, “and they could sign over rights to whatever he creates with the band, so we can manage it from our end, knowing that we’ve gone through the proper channels.”

“Next of—no way!” Die said. “I told you, it’s not important to me. I’d be down for sending money to my folks, but I’m not involving them in some complicated legal process.”

“Besides, how could they sign over rights to things he hasn’t made yet?” Kyo said. “Maybe things he’d written when he was alive, but things we make together from here on out? How would that even work?”

“It’s a complicated situation,” Kaoru said. “We might need to contact an attorney for some of these questions.”

“An attorney who specializes in paranormal circumstances?” Shinya said. “We’re not likely to find one of those.”

It was true that the conditions were pretty far removed from the norm. It was all kinds of unchartered ghost territory, and there wasn’t necessarily an established procedure for dealing with someone like Die.

“What other choice do we have?” Toshiya said. “I mean, what else are we gonna do, bring him back to life?”

The silence that followed was louder than any of their voices had been. 

An eternity later, Toshiya said quietly, “Is… is that actually something we could do?”

Of course it wasn’t. People didn’t come back from being dead. That was just common sense.

But it was Shinya who answered, “There are rumors…”

It was impossible. It _had_ to be impossible, and Kyo knew that. There was no coming back, because Death was the end.

Except ghosts were real. Die was more real than anything or anyone Kyo had known in years, and if he could exist as a ghost, was it so far a stretch to think a return to life might be possible, too?

“What kind of rumors?” Kyo asked, his throat dry. He wished he’d eaten less chocolate.

“About someone, a man who dabbles in the dark arts, has access to certain magics,” Shinya elaborated.

“What are you _talking_ about?” Die said, bewildered. “Have you all lost your minds? This shouldn’t even be a discussion that we’re having.”

“Who is this man?” Toshiya said, as if Die hadn’t spoken.

“He’s called Gackt,” Shinya said.

“_Gackt_?!” Kyo repeated incredulously. “From TV?” It made sense in a way. He did seem to possess some unnatural powers, and hadn’t they speculated about some explanation for his unchanging appearance? Dark magic could probably explain it pretty well.

Still, the thought made Kyo shiver. Even when he’d thought Gackt was merely a celebrity television personality he’d gotten bad vibes from him. The revelation that he was, in fact, some powerful sorcerer made him that much more intimidating.

“I’ve heard of him,” Kaoru said gravely. “Shinya, I don’t know. From what I’ve heard, he’s _dangerous_. The cost of doing business with him…”

“Would be worth it,” Kyo cut him off. He meant it. He couldn’t imagine anything he wouldn’t pay to bring Die back. He’d never known him in life, had never imagined he would have the opportunity, but if it was really something he could have?

“_Kyo_, do you hear yourself?” Die said, looking at him in astonishment. “You once told me no one could pay you enough to even _meet_ Gackt because he gave you the creeps! Trust your instincts!”

“My instincts,” Kyo repeated, and paused. He thought about it, about Die _alive_, where Kyo could reach out and touch him, and he’d be there _every time_, solid, and _warm_. “I agree with Kaoru,” he said at last. “Your—rights are too important for us to not try this.”

“You agree with Kaoru?” Toshiya said, sounding awed.

“It’s the principle of the thing,” Kyo said, well aware of how ridiculous the words were.

“Well, then,” Kaoru said. “I’m glad we’re in agreement on the subject. Shinya, do you think you have the right contacts to get in touch with this Gackt?”

The question was a mere formality; they all knew Shinya had more connections than the rest of the band combined. Still, Shinya confirmed that he could reach out to the correct people and see about getting a meeting set up.

“Have I gone invisible again, or what?” Die said loudly, and when Kyo looked at him, he’d clearly gone somewhere past irritated. “This is a _bad idea_. I don’t want you to do it.”

“Die, this is our only option,” Toshiya said. “Do you have an alternate plan?”

“I do, it’s called ‘do nothing,’” Die replied sassily. “I get you guys want to help, and the intent is appreciated, but at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I never asked for you to do any of that. It’s a made-up problem that doesn’t really require solving, and I’d rather you left it alone.”

No one knew what to say to that. It was hard to argue when it was Die’s _life_ they were meddling with. If he didn’t want to be brought back, how could they say he was wrong?

Slowly, Kaoru nodded. “Very well. If that’s what you want. We will… see that your family is provided for.”

“Thank you,” Die said.

“And you know you can always change your mind,” Shinya said. “It’s not an easy situation, and if you want to take the time to think about it some more and let me know, I can make the calls or not. We just want you to be… We want to help you, however we can.”

“I know,” Die said. “I appreciate it.” He stood up from the conference table. “I think it’s time for us to start heading out of here, isn’t it?”

The others agreed and started collecting any stray belongings, disposing of coffee cups and water bottles.

Kyo was the last to stand. He felt numb and overstimulated at the same time, his mind screaming like the space between radio stations; too many sounds playing at once, and none of them coming in clear enough to hear properly. He wordlessly gathered up his candy wrappers and threw them away, then waved goodbye to the rest of the band, and went with Die out to face the grey of the afternoon.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heh heh heh thank you everyone for your reactions to Gackt. It's always pleasing when something has the intended effect. So here's the week's bonus chapter~

Kyo still couldn’t find his voice as he and Die began their walk home.

Some part of him had a lot to say, wanted to grab Die, and scream, and spill everything, but he couldn’t even get his mouth to open if he tried.

He was probably just being stupid; he wasn’t too far gone to realize that. Throwing a tantrum because he’d been told he couldn’t bring someone back from the dead would have been beyond childish.

It was just that he hadn’t considered it. He’d known from the beginning that Die’s being dead meant he was 100% unobtainable, and always would be, and then with one casual suggestion, that had all changed. All at once he’d seen a future where Die was a possibility, a future where Die could be in his life and _he_ could be in _Die’s_.

_Die’s life_.

Seeing only a glimpse of that future and then having it ripped away again was just too much, and it felt like something had been ripped right _out_ of Kyo at the same time.

Die walked alongside him in uninterrupted silence, and Kyo watched him, searching his unreadable expression. He seemed unaffected, like he truly thought nothing of the conversation they’d just come from.

Kyo had never felt so close to losing him. Die didn’t want his presence to be permanent, Kyo realized. He was still waiting for his opportunity to move on from Earth, to move away from Kyo, from everything. There was nothing truly keeping him here.

The time for letting go was approaching far more quickly than Kyo was prepared for. 

Despite his trying not to grow too attached, Kyo had allowed Die to set up a full residence in his heart, and evicting him was no easy task. Every infinitesimal thing Die did only made Kyo appreciate him more.

His feeling of security and comfort hadn’t gone away with more time spent together, and he looked forward to coming home from work and finding Die there just as much as, if not more than, before. And having seen Die onstage, where he was clearly happiest and most himself, Kyo couldn’t imagine any fate for himself that didn’t involve being rather hopelessly in love with Die.

And for a split second, it hadn’t seemed as hopeless. For that snatch of time when Kyo had seen a Future for them, there had been hope, just visible peaking through the clouds of doubt surrounding him, only to be snuffed out with a few words from Die’s own lips.

Those same clouds chose that moment to open, a gentle rain starting to fall as Kyo and Die continued walking.

Around them, other pedestrians pulled folding umbrellas out of purses and briefcases, always prepared for an untimely change in the weather. Kyo didn’t have an umbrella. No matter how often he walked or how frequently he was caught in the rain, he never seemed to be prepared. He just let the rain take him by surprise.

Kyo looked over at Die again, but he still wasn’t showing any emotion, even in response to the downpour. His face was tilted up as it had been last time they were caught in the rain, but after a few seconds, Kyo realized the difference: the rain wasn’t going through him this time. Instead, there were wet trails like tears streaking down Die’s perfect face, and, outside of a slight shiver, there was still no visible reaction.

Unable to stop himself for once, Kyo reached out and grasped Die’s hand. Sparks shot up his arm, but it was cold, and Kyo was half-tempted to start trying to shove both his and Die’s hands together into his jacket pocket to warm him up. He did manage to remember why that might not work.

Die looked down at him in a kind of quiet surprise, but he didn’t take his hand back. He let Kyo lace their fingers together, and they walked the rest of the way to the apartment like that.

Only when he had to unlock the door did Kyo reluctantly free his hand from Die’s. They still hadn’t said anything to each other since they’d left the meeting. Kyo didn’t know how to break the silence, couldn’t think of what he could say that wouldn’t be Too Much.

He was saved from having to think of anything as Die spoke up while Kyo was still taking off his shoes.

“Are you mad?”

The words were enough of a surprise that Kyo was distracted from everything he actually _was_ feeling, for the time being. “What, at you?”

Die nodded. His usually glorious hair was dripping and scraggly. Kyo supposed he was right about it hating the damp weather.

“I’m not mad,” Kyo said slowly. He walked past Die and took a couple spare towels out of the closet in his bedroom. He came back and found Die hadn’t moved from where he’d left him. He offered him a towel. “I’m not sure what would make you think that,” he said.

Die hid his face in the towel, his voice coming out muffled. “You’re being quiet.”

Kyo cocked his head to one side. “Yeah, so I’m quiet sometimes. It’s not a punishment for you.” He found it slightly troubling that Die would read into his mood something that seemed like deliberate cruelty. There were plenty of times when he and Die had shared companionable silence, and just now he’d gone so far as to take Die’s hand when they were walking. How did Die interpret that as an act of anger?

Die sighed, running the towel through his damp hair. “I guess… I would probably be mad. If I were you.”

Another surprise. “How do you mean?”

“You…” Die frowned, deep in thought. “You’ve done so much for me, supported me, welcomed me into your band… I must seem ungrateful.”

“I don’t think so at all,” Kyo said. “I know you said that before, but our offer to help, it’s not—”

“I don’t just mean refusing the offer,” Die cut him off.

“What…?” Kyo didn’t bother to finish the question.

“Everything you’ve done,” Die said again. “Trying to find a way to make sure I get my share, that I get to be a person independent from my identity as a ghost, like I’ve told you I want. Instead I say I’m content to keep leeching off you, ensuring you never have a private moment to yourself… I’m an asshole.”

“Oh my god, Die, no, you’re not.”

“I didn’t even ask if it would be more convenient for you to have me—not haunting you like this.”

“Who the fuck cares what’s convenient for me?” Kyo said. “It’s your _life_. What’s convenient for me should have absolutely no bearing on that kind of decision.”

“I must seem… inconsiderate. I am inconsiderate.”

“_Stop_,” Kyo said. He was perplexed by how Die was so set on taking the blame, but for all the wrong reasons. “I don’t think you’re inconsiderate or a leech or any of that shit. It’s not—Really, I just don’t see why you’re so against it in the first place. Meeting Gackt and everything, I mean.”

Die paused, thinking. “I know you guys think you’re just trying to help me out, but I don’t feel like I need things to change. I’m dead. I accepted that a long time ago.”

“But what if you didn’t _have_ to be?” Kyo said, the strain coming out in his voice. “Isn’t it worth exploring?”

“To what end?” Die shook his head sadly. “I get that you think it sounds pathetic, but I’ve adapted, you know? Even if I don’t want it to be my _whole_ identity, being a ghost is part of who I am now, and I’d just be more lost if I didn’t have that part of myself.”

Kyo just looked at him. Die didn’t get it at all. He couldn’t see that it was something bigger than him now; he had no idea what he meant to other people, to _Kyo_.

Die folded the towel loosely. “I’ve learned so much. I really don’t feel like I’m missing out on much by not being alive, so just don’t worry about me, okay?”

“What about—?”

“Okay?” Die said, louder. “You’ll drop it, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said, his voice small in comparison to Die’s. 

Sure, he would drop the one little flicker of hope that he’d come across in recent years, and pretend it had never existed.

“I’m going to work on guitar stuff for a while,” Die said, and headed for the living room, clearly finished with the conversation.

“I think I need to shower,” Kyo said, though Die wasn’t listening to him anymore. He went into the bathroom, and closed the door, leaning heavily against it.

Die had _adapted_ to being dead. He was making the choice. He would _rather_ be dead than be alive, rather be dead than be with Kyo.

Kyo shut his eyes tight, tried to force that kind of thinking down. It wasn’t helpful. It was a narrow way of looking at it.

But he didn’t want Die to be dead, and despite what he’d promised…

Kyo pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up his LINE chat with Shinya.

**[k]**: _Just got done talking to Die more about this Gackt stuff_

Kyo bit his lip and kept typing.

**[k]**: _He’s changed his mind. Make the call._

_——————_

“So here’s the letter he’s written,” Die said, setting an envelope on the counter in front of Kyo.

Kyo looked down at it, plain and elegant, a round red seal holding it shut. “I could just mail it, couldn’t I? He knows their address.”

“He’s trying to avoid freaking them out.”

“They’re going to be freaked out either way,” Kyo said. “Someone is speaking to them from beyond the grave,”

“But it’s easier to believe something when someone is there, in person, telling you,” Die said. “We could send the letter, sure, but we’d never know how it was received, _if_ it was received. She might not take it seriously, and then she’d never come at all.” He shrugged. “This way at least we have some control over the circumstances of her receiving the letter.”

“And then?”

“Whether or not she agrees to take the meeting is up to her,” Die said. “But you can use the pick to call me if she does, and I’ll be here to help them talk.” He looked Kyo over. “You still have the pick, right?”

“I have it.” Of course he had it. He always had it. He was more likely to leave the house without his wallet than without that little piece of plastic.

“And you’re sure you’ll recognize the wife if she comes in?”

That, Kyo was less confident about. “Maybe he could give me some sign if he sees her?”

Die looked at the empty air beside him for a few seconds, then turned back to Kyo, nodding.

“And he really believes she’ll come to this worksop,” Kyo said. “_Calligraphy in Modern Art_.”

“It’s a particular interest of hers.”

“So?” Kyo didn’t mean to be harsh, but he was skeptical. “Who says she’s even been keeping track of upcoming workshops? Or she could be busy, or out of town?”

“Then we’ll figure something else out.”

“This whole plan is so convoluted,” Kyo said. “I’m sorry, I know I said I’d help, and I will, but there’s gotta be an easier way to contact her.”

“This is what we’ve got right now,” Die said. His eyes were dark and hopeful. “You just need to have faith that it will work.”

Kyo scoffed.

“I can come with you that day,” Die said. “If it’s easier than calling me. I can help be on the lookout for the wife, put less pressure on your part of the plan.”

“No, it’s fine,” Kyo said quickly. “Calling you shouldn’t be a problem.” He’d practiced it a couple times since this whole thing was concocted, and while it had made him nervous at the beginning, he felt reasonably sure that he could summon Die when the time came, and that Die would appear as he was meant to.

Besides, there was no way he could take Die with him to work Friday morning; he had—prior obligations.

With everything set in motion as far as helping this other ghost in his efforts to contact his family, Die left Kyo to finish his work day in relative peace.

It bothered Kyo that he felt a sense of relief knowing that Die was gone. That wasn’t how he wanted to feel about Die.

And generally speaking, it _wasn’t_ how he felt about him, but their relationship had been a little bit on-edge lately.

For one thing, Die had been more zealous than Kyo really expected, with all the museum ghost business. Kyo felt like some manga character, fated to be a human mediator, helping spirits find their way safely to the afterlife, but Die seemed even more invested in it than that. Perhaps it had to do with how he hadn’t gotten to make that type of contact with his own family; he wanted to ensure that this other poor soul didn’t miss out on his opportunity as he had done. 

Kyo’s heart hadn’t been as fully in it, partly because he’d been distracted with other matters.

The call he’d been expecting came just as Kyo was leaving the museum for the night, and he pulled out his phone to answer it.

“What’s the word, Shinya?”

“We’re not even bothering with greetings now?”

“What do you care whether I say hello first or not?” Kyo said impatiently.

“It’s just common courtesy,” Shinya replied. “But since you’re in such a hurry to know, we have confirmation. The meeting is arranged. He’ll meet us at the coffee shop as planned, 7:30 Friday morning.”

Normally, the early meeting would have made Kyo groan and try to find a way out of it, but for once it was exactly what he wanted. “Does he need us to bring anything?”

“No, but he said to come open-minded,” Shinya said. “He’ll discuss price with us in person, once we describe the full situation.”

“Right,” Kyo said, hovering at the top of the stairs to the underground so he wouldn’t lose signal in the middle of the call. “That sounds reasonable.”

“I’m not sure, Kyo,” Shinya said. “I know I’m the one who suggested Gackt, but… he’s a little strange. I think we’d better be very careful going into this.”

“We will be,” Kyo said. “But, you know. It’s Die.”

“I know,” Shinya said. “Gackt is looking forward to meeting him Friday. I guess even in his line of work he doesn’t encounter actual ghosts face-to-face terribly often.”

“Yeah, hmm.” Kyo scuffed his boot on the ground. “Die’s looking forward to it, too, I think.”

Of course Kyo hadn’t told Shinya that Die wasn’t in on the plan. As far as Shinya was aware, Die had come to his senses and agreed to meet Gackt, and Kyo would be damned if he was going to reveal the minor detail of his deception before everything was taken care of.

It was also a huge risk he was taking. Already Toshiya had offered to come over for a movie night, and Kyo had had to refuse. He couldn’t risk one of the band saying something to Die, giving away what they’d been working on without his knowledge, and so he couldn’t let them see each other until it was properly arranged.

He was sure Die was starting to notice the enforced isolation, and he felt guilty, sure, but he also felt like he didn’t really have a choice. 

If, when all was said and done, Die wanted nothing to do with him, hated him for going behind his back, Kyo would accept it, because at least he’d been able to try and give Die a second chance at life. He’d never be able to forgive himself if he didn’t do everything he could to _try_.

Kyo hastily wrapped up the phone call and just managed to catch his train home. Not for the first time, he tried to tell himself it was all worth it. It would all be worth it, as long as he could keep it from Die just a little while longer.


	21. Chapter 21

Kyo paced back and forth in front of the doors to the coffee shop, eyes watching for anyone approaching, then darting to his watch, again and again.

7:18 am.

Die hadn’t been there when he’d left his apartment, not that he’d expected him to be. He didn’t know what he would have done if Die _had_ been there, and had asked why he was heading out so early. He wasn’t a particularly adept liar when he was really put on the spot. As it was, he hadn’t even had to sneak out, and now all that was left to do was wait for everyone else to arrive.

He checked his watch. 7:19.

He didn’t see how that could be right, but his phone corroborated the claim, and he huffed out a frustrated little noise as he resumed his pacing.

“The others aren’t here yet?”

Kyo nearly jumped at the sound of Kaoru’s voice, and turned to find him looking sort of sleep-rumpled and bored. He wasn’t used to seeing him so early in the morning, he realized.

“No, not yet,” Kyo said. “Morning.”

Kaoru grunted. “I just want it on record before everything starts, that I think this is a bad idea. Gackt is dangerous and we’re probably all going to regret getting into something with him.” He rubbed his chin. “I’m only here for Die.”

“Yeah, of course, me too,” Kyo said, swallowing around the fear that Kaoru would bring up Die’s conspicuous absence. “You wanna go in and grab coffee?”

“What, I look like I could use some?”

“Hey, I didn’t say it,” Kyo said.

“Why are we standing around out in the cold?” Toshiya said as he walked up. “It’s too early for this shit.” He breathed into his cupped hands. “Gackt’s not here, I guess?”

“He’s not late,” Kyo said, “yet.”

“I think he’ll be here on time,” Toshiya said. “It’s not very _charming_ to be late to an appointment.”

“But it’s charming to show up exactly on time, isn’t it?” an unfamiliar voice interrupted their clustered muttering, and all three of them started as they found Gackt standing in their midst with a somewhat unsettling smile.

“Gackt,” Kyo said, and cleared his throat. “You came.” 

It was unclear from just which direction he had appeared, but he was there. In person, he wasn't _that_ creepy. Outside of his unnaturally clear skin and a troubling glint in his eyes, he honestly looked like a normal human man. Which, okay, was to be expected, but Kyo had half-expected him to travel in a cloud of spooky mist, or leave a trail of something dead behind him wherever he walked.

Gackt frowned around at them. “Which one of you is Shinya?”

“He’s not here yet,” Toshiya said. “Can we go in?”

“We shouldn't wait for him?” Kaoru said uncertainly. “It’s not like him to be late…”

“No one told me this meeting was going to take place outdoors,” Toshiya complained.

“Calm down,” Kyo said as he spotted Shinya approaching from the direction of the underground station. “Look, he’s coming right now.”

Shinya looked mildly surprised when he reached the group. “I didn’t expect everyone to get here before me, I apologize.”

“I’m going in now,” Toshiya said loudly, and charged through the door without waiting any longer.

The rest of them shrugged and followed him inside.

It was much warmer in the coffee shop, and Kyo sighed, feeling some of the tension easing out of his shoulders. Shinya had arrived, and finally they could get the plan actually in motion.

Toshiya was already at the counter ordering coffee, so Kyo offered to find them a table where they could all sit, if Toshiya would order for him, too.

That was of course his downfall, because as soon as he commented that he needed a table for five people, Shinya turned abruptly towards him and then looked around.

“Where’s Die?”

Shit.

Kaoru and Toshiya looked around, too, until their eyes settled on Kyo.

“He’s not here?” Gackt’s eyes wandered over their heads.

Kaoru snorted derisively. “You can’t sense him, can you?”

“Kyo?” Shinya said. “Where is he?”

Of course Kyo had known this would happen; they were bound to notice sooner or later that Die was supposed to be there and wasn’t. He’d just hoped it would be later. Like, maybe after the meeting was over.

Still, he had prepared for the inevitable, and had a super convincing cover story ready.

“Something came up, he said to go ahead and have the meeting without him,” Kyo said, careful to maintain eye contact with Shinya as he spoke.

“‘Something came up’?” Shinya repeated, his eyes narrowing.

“This ghost friend of yours is quite the busy guy, eh?” Gackt said. “I suppose we can get started, and then he can come the next time we meet.”

“His thoughts exactly,” Kyo said. He smiled tightly and went off to find a table where the others could join him once they got their drinks.

He was on-edge as he sat alone at a table in the back corner of the shop. This was his only shot at bringing Die back to life, and it would be pretty much a bust if anyone found out that it wasn’t Die’s idea.

He wondered who would be the most pissed to learn the truth. Shinya was the one putting himself out there and using his contacts, and Kyo definitely didn’t want to incur his wrath. Then again, Toshiya already had some trust issues when it came to Kyo, and this probably wouldn’t do anything to improve that situation…

He did his best not to look guilty as the rest of the group came to join him at the table. To his moderate discomfort, Gackt opted to sit right beside him, and Shinya placed himself across the table, where Kyo could feel his eyes on his every move.

Toshiya scooted the drink he’d gotten for Kyo towards him, and sat next to Shinya, warm cup cradled in his hands like something precious.

Gackt cleared his throat and leaned one elbow on the table. “So.”

Kyo would have been more annoyed by his arrogant attitude if he hadn't been kind of grateful that at least he was taking the initiative to start negotiations.

“I want to make sure I’m clear on the situation before we begin,” Gackt said. “Your friend, one rock guitarist by the name of ‘Die,’ is dead. You’d like him not to be.”

“Nailin’ it so far,” Toshiya said.

“Can that really be done?” Kaoru asked, sitting on Kyo’s other side. “Scientifically, it’s impossible.”

“I wouldn’t expect such limited and uncreative thinking from you,” Gackt said condescendingly. “It can be done.”

“You’ve done it before?” Kaoru pressed.

There, Gackt paused. “Not this exact situation, but I have every confidence that it can be accomplished, and so should you. I’ve performed countless other supernatural tasks.”

“Such as?”

“If you want a resumé, check out my website,” Gackt said with a lazy wave of his hand. “Time is money, and while we’re all here, there are more important matters for us to discuss.”

“You can really bring him back to where he’s _living_?” Toshiya said. “Not just 'communicate with his spirit,' or reanimate him, like necromancy, but _revive_ him?”

“As long as I have the right materials.”

“What will you need?” Shinya asked.

Gackt reached into an inside pocket of his blazer and took out a folded sheet of paper, which Kyo could see listed easily a dozen items, maybe more.

“These are the ingredients that I’ll expect you to provide,” he said, and let Kyo take the paper from him. “And then, there is of course the issue of payment.”

Kyo had expected that to come up, and nodded impatiently for Gackt to name his price. He was more than willing to drain his savings to get Die alive and well, and he knew the rest of the band wouldn’t refuse to pitch in either.

“Will you want a certain amount upfront, and then once it’s done—”

Gackt gave only the smallest shake of his head, but it silenced the table. “Please. Do I seem like someone who needs money?”

Kyo stared at him in confusion. To be fair, no, Gackt gave off the impression of being vastly, unnecessarily wealthy, and the notion that he might have further financial need was laughable. But if he wasn’t interested in cash, what kind of payment was he expecting from them?

There was a disconcerting smirk on Gackt’s face as he settled back in his chair. “Your band is on the rise, gaining attention, gaining followers. I see here an opportunity that would be mutually beneficial.” He folded his hands on the table in front of him. “Kyo. I want to have you as a guest on my show.”

“_What_?” That wasn’t something Kyo had ever seen as being on the table. He was a private person; he didn’t want to parade around, humiliating himself for the entertainment of viewers across the nation. “No, I never said I would do that.”

“That’s my price,” Gackt said with a shrug. “Come be a guest on my program, let me teach you a few tips—”

“I’m not so desperate that I need your weird-ass tricks for picking up girls,” Kyo snapped. He knew he should probably be more careful, speak more respectfully to someone who held Die’s life in his well-manicured hands, but he wasn’t willing to let go of his dignity so easily.

His smile seemed too sharp and too white as Gackt said, “They work on guys, too.”

“No,” Kyo said again.

“Kyo,” Shinya said warningly.

“_No_,” Kyo growled. “I’ll pay whatever money you request, but that—It’s not who I am, and it honestly feels creepy as hell for you to insist.”

Gackt gave another unrepentant shrug of his shoulders. “I’ve told you my terms. If you’re unwilling to accept them, perhaps you can find someone else to help with your situation.”

There was a grinding sound that Kyo realized was coming from his own teeth, and it was taking all his strength to keep from leaping at Gackt and knocking him forcefully to the ground. The smug bastard held all the cards and he knew it. To refuse him was to resign Die to unending death, and Kyo could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes as he weighed his options. This was no time to be tough and stubborn and defiant. The was _Die_ on the line.

Kaoru’s hand was on Kyo’s arm, and a glance in his direction was enough for Kyo to read what he wasn’t saying: The price was too high. They could find another way.

But what other way was there? Kyo couldn’t see it. All he could see was the chance of having Die slipping away from him, the knowledge that that loss was his own fault, his choice, his _pride_ keeping him from making the necessary sacrifice.

He looked back at Gackt. There _was_ no choice. From the beginning, Gackt had known there was only one answer Kyo could give.

Kyo opened his mouth and was very surprised to find a voice that wasn’t his come out to say, “I’ll do it.”

All eyes at the table turned to Toshiya.

“I’ll go on your show in Kyo’s place,” he said again. “I know you think you want Kyo, but believe me, he’s a disaster in front of a camera, and if you’re forcing him to be there against his will, holding Die’s life hostage, he won’t make for a very good piece of television.”

“Toshiya is something of a fan favorite,” Shinya said. “The right ‘type’ to learn your charm tips and tricks.”

Gackt was scowling. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, but finally he relented, “Fine. I accept Toshiya as an alternative to Kyo.” He smirked again. “I like the way you think, Toshiya. You might do quite well on my show.”

“And you’re not wrong about it being mutually beneficial,” Shinya said. “Toshiya’s appearance could be very good publicity for the band.”

“I suppose we’d better bring it up with our managers?” Toshiya said.

_Shit_. There was no way they could have a conversation like that with management and keep Die from finding out. Kyo’s mind was working as quickly as possible but there was no readily available excuse for leaving their management team out of their plans. It would only make him seem suspicious to suggest it.

The meeting wrapped up quickly from there, with Kyo letting the others do the talking, busying himself with how he could delay Die’s discovery of the whole scheme. Why hadn’t he accounted for this?

He was still distracted with his thoughts when everyone was pushing their chairs back from the table and getting up to leave. Kyo hadn’t even touched the drink Toshiya had gotten him. He hastily stood up too, for the sake of looking like he knew what was going on.

Gackt handed him his card. “If you need to reach me with any questions—or if Die does. I amstill so looking forward to meeting him.”

“Right. Thank you,” Kyo said, not even bothering with some lie about how Die was eager to meet Gackt as well. He couldn’t really see the point in it.

He put the card, along with the list of ingredients into his pocket, his fingers brushing the guitar pick there like a security blanket.

They all said goodbye, thanked Gackt, who promised to be in touch with details regarding Toshiya’s appearance on his program, and started off in their own directions.

Kyo was relieved when Shinya left without saying anything, but he couldn’t very well ignore the look he shot him that promised he would be hearing more from him later.

Toshiya was the last to leave, messing around on his phone like he was waiting for Kyo. It made Kyo wonder whether the other members were still trying to discreetly supervise him.

In an attempt to choose something else over anger and bitterness, Kyo said, “Thank you.”

Toshiya looked up at him in surprise.

“For, you know, throwing yourself down on the chopping block like that,” Kyo explained. “You didn’t have to do that for me.”

“Not to shit on your gratitude, but I didn’t really do it for you,” Toshiya said. “I did it for Die. I know you think we don’t care about him, or that we’re only using him for the band, but it’s not true. If I can help…” he trailed off, but Kyo didn’t need the rest of the sentence.

“I know,” Kyo said. “It means a lot.”

“Besides,” Toshiya said, “after how you reacted to us doing a simple beer commercial? I can only imagine how much you’d suck at something like Gackt’s show.”

“Sure, while you will be finally realizing your potential to shine as a star of the screen.”

Toshiya shrugged. “What can I say? I’ve got a face for television.”

Kyo laughed. He wasn’t sure how much he believed Toshiya’s claim that his sacrifice had been only for Die’s sake and not for Kyo, but whatever the motivation, he appreciated it.

“Where is Die, by the way?” Toshiya asked, cutting off Kyo’s laughter. “You said something came up but… I mean, isn’t he usually just around?”

“Usually, he’s around,” Kyo said, thinking fast for an explanation for his absence. He settled on a half-truth: “He’s been kind of preoccupied lately with this situation—he met another ghost.”

Toshiya’s eyebrows jumped. “Met—how do you mean? Romantically?”

“What?! Why would I mean romantically?”

“I don’t know! It was just how you said it, like he _met_ someone,” Toshiya said hurriedly. “But you just meant that he happened to encounter another dead person?”

“Yeah,” Kyo said. “There’s nothing romantic there at all. He’s trying to help the guy contact his wife.”

“His wife—who’s living?”

“Yes, the wife is living,” Kyo said.

“Wow, that sounds exciting,” Toshiya said. “So that’s why he couldn’t come to meet Gackt.”

“Unn,” Kyo said, avoiding direct eye contact with Toshiya. “And actually I’m supposed to help make contact with the wife today, so I’d better be going.”

“Oh, okay,” Toshiya said. “If there’s anything I can do to help, you guys can call me, too!”

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” Kyo assured him, and then he was walking past him, out of the coffee shop and into the chilly morning once more.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry once again for my tardiness with the update! Love to all of you~

The whole morning felt like Kyo was counting down to something, like there was some ticking time bomb tucked under the counter where he worked, and at any moment Die would show up, having found out that he was working with Gackt and the others behind his back, and it would all explode in his face.

It wasn’t plausible, he knew. Die couldn’t come to the museum on his own, not without being called, and it was unlikely that news could have reached him already. Still, Kyo felt the list of ingredients in his pocket as if it were radiating heat, broadcasting his guilt over the whole situation.

On top of that, he was trying to keep an eye out for the museum ghost’s wife. As the scheduled start of the workshop drew nearer, Kyo was peering almost suspiciously at every woman who walked through the front doors.

He was reasonably confident that he would recognize the one he was looking for, despite having only seen her once before, and he knew that her late husband was watching for her as well, and would alert him if he didn’t spot her himself. What Kyo was less confident about was that she would show up at all.

He’d agreed to the plan that Die had come up with, but he was still extremely skeptical about it working. There was no guarantee that the wife would come to this particular workshop.

No sooner had he had this thought than a whole stack of pamphlets fell inexplicably off his counter and a cold wind blew across the back of his neck.

“What the shit?” he muttered to himself, shivering as he bent to pick up the papers. Then realization struck, and he snapped his head back up to see a distantly familiar woman, hair pulled back into a low ponytail, walking past him. Instantly he dropped everything back on the floor and dug the envelope he’d been given out of a drawer before scrambling after her.

“Excuse—Excuse me! Ma’am!”

She was already a little ways ahead of him and he was loath to raise his voice in the middle of the quiet museum, so he was half-running after her, calling in a frantic whisper until she finally paused and looked over her shoulder at him.

“Hi, excuse me,” Kyo said, relieved to have gotten her attention. “Takeyama-san.”

She looked him up and down, clearly apprehensive. “Yes? Do I know you?”

Kyo shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I’m—an employee here at the museum, but I was asked to-to give you this.” He bowed as he handed over the envelope.

She hesitated before taking it from him, and he couldn’t blame her; this whole situation had to be very strange and unsettling, and she hadn’t even gotten to the weirdest part yet. But after a long pause, she did take the envelope.

She only had to glance at it before she looked back at Kyo with narrowed eyes. “Where did you get this?”

Now it was Kyo’s turn to hesitate. “I… think it’s all explained, in the letter.”

Takeyama still looked wary, but she nodded and slowly turned to continue on towards where the workshop was being held.

That done, Kyo returned to clean up his work station, letting out a breath that he felt like he’d been holding for days. He gathered his thoughts as he gathered the pamphlets that had fallen on the floor. In a way, the hardest part was over. He hadn’t thought the wife would necessarily appear at all, but there she’d been, and presumably she was reading the letter from her late husband as they’d hoped she would.

How she reacted to that was certainly still up in the air, but Kyo figured he had some time while she was in the workshop before he had to hear her decision, and after that he could leave the matter in Die’s hands.

The museum always saw a bit less traffic up at the front when a workshop was going on, so Kyo made sure to enjoy the time he had to himself. He dug the list of ingredients from Gackt out of his pocket and looked carefully at it, mentally sorting the items by where he would be able to obtain them.

Most seemed easy enough; herbs and oils that he could get from some well-stocked apothecary, though the names of some were unfamiliar and might be harder to find. Then there were a few that had certain time restrictions on them. If he wanted the process moving quickly, he needed to be fast in obtaining the “ginseng tea leaves steeped for ten days in Holy Water” so that he could deliver them to Gackt in a timely manner. Then there was the wolfsbane—wasn’t that toxic?—that needed to be harvested just after midnight, so he had to time that correctly as well.

Kyo shook his head, chuckling darkly to himself. The whole thing was ridiculous if he let himself think about it for too long. How would this list of arbitrary materials magically restore Die’s life? How could he even hope for something so obviously ludicrous?

He wondered whether Gackt had evidence that this would work or if he’d just pulled this list out of his ass, thinking everything on it sounded potentially mystical and that Kyo and his friends seemed gullible enough to fall for it.

Once again Kyo was reminded that he didn’t really have any choice but to take Gackt at his word, to _hope_ that this jumble of random shit mixed together would perform the miracle on which his heart was set. Maybe he could avoid getting his hopes up, but whether he _hoped_ or not, he had to _try_.

He hadn’t quite read all the way to the bottom of the list when rapid footsteps pulled his attention and he looked up to see the museum ghost’s wife, striding purposefully towards him with a severe, determined expression on her face.

Kyo stowed his paper in his back pocket, but before he could ask what he could help her with, she was slamming the letter down flat on the counter, glaring at him.

“I don’t know if this is someone’s idea of a sick joke, but I’m not laughing,” she said in a low voice. “Where did you get this letter?”

Kyo ran his tongue over the points of his teeth. This was, he supposed, a natural reaction, but that didn’t mean he knew exactly how to handle it. Anything he said to explain himself would just sound like more bullshit, and really she kind of needed to be open to _believing_ in order for Die to help her communicate with her husband.

“I… received that letter,” Kyo said carefully, “from a friend, who, from my understanding, was in contact with your husband. Your late husband, who also made an anonymous submission to our amateur gallery. It's on display right now, on the second floor.”

Takeyama’s hard expression flickered. “Masa submitted a—what, a painting?”

Kyo nodded. “It’s quite powerful, in my opinion. Does it surprise you that he would paint something?”

“No,” she said. “He always said that he—he wanted to. But he couldn’t find the time, with work. He said it was a goal of his to get something hung in this very museum, before he moved on from this world.” Her eyes had gone lost and sad as she looked at Kyo. “He never told me he’d actually done it.”

“Er,” Kyo said awkwardly. “I guess he didn’t… find the time, until, um, after he… passed.”

She stared at him. “This is insane. You know what that sounds like, don’t you?”

“I do,” Kyo said. “I’ve had a while to come to terms with how these impossible-sounding things can be real, but I still have to take a minute to process it sometimes.”

There was a long pause then, and Kyo didn’t dare pressure her while she was thinking. Eventually she took a deep breath, her eyes on the letter. “So how do we do this?” She glanced back up to Kyo’s face. “The letter said it was possible for me to—to talk with him, to have some kind of ‘mediated’ conversation. How does that work? Is it like a séance or what?”

Kyo pursed his lips. He hadn’t read the letter of course, since it had been personal, meant for the widowed Takeyama only, so he wasn’t sure what kind of information she had. He also wasn’t sure exactly what Die and his ghost friend had envisioned as far as a meeting with the wife. It was an awfully intimate thing for Die to place himself in the middle of.

“I wouldn’t be the one mediating,” Kyo explained. “But if you like, I can—contact my friend, and get that set up for you.”

Takeyama checked her watch. “How soon could your friend be here?”

“Right away,” Kyo said.

She nodded. “All right, let’s do this, then.”

“Um. Please excuse me for a moment,” Kyo said, bowing, and he went from his counter down the hall to the privacy of the staff restroom, which was the most protected place he could think of for Die to appear without attracting attention.

He didn’t think he would have accepted any of this as easily as the wife seemed to be doing. If he were in that situation, Kyo was sure he would be more skeptical, slower to believe what he was being told, but in a way, he admired her trusting nature. This time it wouldn’t come back to bite her.

Even having practiced calling Die as many times as he had, Kyo felt nervous standing there in front of the sink preparing to summon him. It shouldn’t have been his primary concern at the moment, but what if Die showed up, and somehow already knew about Gackt? What if Kyo gave himself away with a guilty facial expression?

He tried to push it all to the back of his head, and closed his eyes, focusing only on reaching out to Die. The pick dug into his palm as he closed his hand around it and he spoke to the empty bathroom, “_It’s time, Die. I need you here, now._”

Opening his eyes, Kyo was confronted with his own reflection in the mirror, and behind him, Die—bloody and gaunt once more. He spun around quickly, unwilling to face that grisly image for more than a few seconds.

The Die that he looked up at when he turned was healthy-looking and bright-eyed, dressed for the recent cold weather. Kyo smiled when he met his eyes. “Hey.”

Die’s eyes darted around. “She’s here?”

Kyo sort of would have appreciated at least a, “_Hey there, Kyo_” before they got down to business, but he understood Die’s eagerness, and nodded. “She wants to meet right away.”

Die’s arms moved like he was about to give Kyo a hug, but then he was nodding, too. “Take me to her.”

Kyo didn’t stay to witness the actual reunion. He let them into an empty room where they sometimes held smaller lectures or workshops, and left them to it. He knew Die was more than capable of taking care of things, and to tell the truth, it all made him highly uncomfortable to be around.

He’d never actually lost anyone like that, not someone he was that close to. An old classmate of his had taken his own life some years ago, and he’d taken it hard, felt like he’d failed to be there for him, but he could’t imagine trying to speak to him once he was already gone. What was there to say, when it was too late for it to make a difference?

It made him think again of Die’s girlfriend. Here Die was, going to all this trouble so this ghost and his wife could have some closure, but he wasn’t willing to give his own girlfriend the same opportunity.

Then again, what would she say, if he did talk to her? Kyo knew Die loved her, but it had been four years; it wasn’t like she could have waited for him. If she was receptive to him actually existing at all, Kyo couldn’t imagine that they would be able to work things out beyond officially laying any history to rest. No wonder Die wasn’t in a hurry to have that conversation.

They were in there a long time, and Kyo was grateful to have his actual job to keep him distracted, instead of having to just stand around wondering how it was going. He took it as a positive sign that the wife hadn’t come running out straight away and left in tears or something, but he still felt a nervousness that he knew he had no personal right to.

It was almost closing time when she finally came out, eyes red, but wearing a small smile. She came to Kyo at his counter and held his hand for a long, quiet moment before exiting without comment. Kyo decided to take that positively as well.

Die came out a few minutes later, smiling more broadly than she had been, and, if Kyo wasn’t imagining it, emitting a soft kind of glow. It wasn’t a bad look on him.

“Everything went okay?” Kyo asked, trying not to be as nosy as he felt like being.

There was a light in Die’s eyes as he nodded. “It was amazing, Kyo. I wish you could have seen it.”

That was a bit more than Kyo had really expected, and his eyebrows rose. “Yeah? That’s great. You’ll have to tell me all about it.”

Except then he did.

For the remainder of Kyo’s work shift and their entire journey home from the museum, Die was talking at a constant; how deep the connection was between the museum ghost and his widow, how it had been the most romantic thing Die had ever witnessed, how lucky he’d felt to get to be party to it.

Apparently, the ghost’s death had been rather unexpected, which was why he’d gotten stuck on earth. There had been too much left unsaid and undone, but with Die’s help, he’d been able to communicate most of it to his wife from beyond the grave, and she was able to share information and stories about the family that he’d left behind.

At first, Kyo wasn’t sure exactly why he was bothered by the way Die was talking about it, but as he continued on and on, Kyo settled on what he didn’t like about it: Die was selling the resolution as this beautiful, pure act of love, something to aspire to—the love of a man deceased and the woman he’d abandoned in the land of the living.

Surely, he had to see how it lined up with his own circumstances, as Kyo had. If that was the way he really felt about it, was that his ultimate goal as well? To reunite with his girlfriend, all tears and embracing until he found the peace he’d been lacking all this time?

Kyo didn’t voice his complaints even as they climbed the stairs of the apartment building and Die was describing the final moments—how the husband had faded from existence right before his eyes, in a shimmer of light, bound for the afterlife with no need to return—for the fifth time, at least.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Die was saying. “That was all he needed, you know? He’d just been waiting for that chance to say goodbye, and now he’s moved on, and she can, too.”

Kyo didn’t spare him a glance as he unlocked the front door. “Guess that’s what you want, right?”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Some pretty lights and a hug and then you could be free,” Kyo said, all too aware of the bitterness coloring his tone. “You could have that.”

Die followed him inside, no longer chattering excitedly. “I don’t feel like… I need that.”

“Isn’t that why you’re so worked up about it?” Kyo said. “Because you finally saw what _you_ could have, if you just sucked it up and made the call. It’s not like it would be hard for you to get in contact with your girlfriend.”

“My—That’s different,” Die said. “It’s been _years._”

“You still have feelings for her,” Kyo argued. Die was just saying the same thing Kyo had thought to himself, but it only made him more upset, hashing it out aloud. “You’re just too much of a coward to reach out.”

Die’s mouth was set in a grim line. “You don’t know how I feel.”

“Not if you don’t tell me. Bet you’d tell her, though, and then you could be on your merry way, not stuck with us anymore.”

“When did I ever say—?”

“But you won’t contact her, right? You’re too scared, too ashamed. So maybe I’ll do it myself,” Kyo went on. He dug in his pocket, fingers fumbling as he pulled out the guitar pick and held it up. “I'll find her, then once I have her in front of me, I can just use this to call you, and you’ll have to actually fucking face things for once.”

Die didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t even look at Kyo, just kept his eyes focused on the floor between them.

In fact, after a long moment of staring, he knelt down and actually picked up something from the floor, though it took Kyo a while to realize what it was.

Oh. Oh, no.

Slowly Die rose to his feet, eyes still on the business card in his hand, the name “Gackt” embossed on it in flashy gold letters.

_Shit_.

“Why do you have this?” Die asked quietly.

“It’s not what you think,” Kyo lied.

“You met with him,” Die said. It wasn’t a question, left no space for Kyo to deny it. “You went to see him, even after I told you not to. Kyo, you said that you would drop it and then you went behind my back.”

For a split second, Kyo considered dragging out the lie, but his resolve crumbled and he spat back, “What fucking choice did I have?! I get that it’s your life, but you’re not the only one affected by whether you’re dead or alive!”

“I’m _dead_!” Die cried. “That’s established!”

“But how can you turn your nose up at a chance to change that?” Kyo said helplessly. It was just a repeat of their previous argument, but he didn’t know how to make Die understand.

“You don’t know what the hell you’re doing,” Die said. “Raising people from the dead is _dark magic_. You can’t _play_ with that shit!”

“I’m not playing,” Kyo snapped. “I know it’s serious, that’s why we’re hiring a professional.”

“Do you have _any_ idea how much could still go wrong?” Die shook his head incredulously. “I really thought you were smarter than this.

Of course Kyo had some idea of the things that could go wrong. He’d woken from more than one or two nightmares since this all began, where he watched Die crumble to dust right in front of him. He’d spent hours imagining horrible scenarios where he lost Die and it was all his fault, and he’d seen enough horror and sci-fi movies to have a wide range of inspiration for those scenarios.

But no matter how many ways he reworked it, he always knew he’d hate himself more if he lost Die without even trying to keep him.

“I know I’m being selfish,” Kyo said. “That if it doesn’t work and something happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself, but that’s why—”

“I don’t give a fuck if something happens to _me_,” Die said impatiently. “I’m talking about how dangerous this is for someone who’s _alive_.”

Kyo didn’t know for a moment what to say to that. He valued his own life so little that some dark magic backfire coming back to hurt _him_ had never been something he’d spent the time stressing over. He shook his head. Die was just trying to distract him from the point of all this. “You don’t get it.”

“I do,” Die said. “But you’re still wrong.”

“No, you _don’t_,” Kyo insisted, his fist clenching around the guitar pick he was still holding.He took half a step towards Die. “You’re—_more_ to me, than a—a bandmate, or an undead roomie, or a—” The words were catching in his throat, and he swallowed around them. “I know you have some girlfriend somewhere, and maybe she is just _waiting _to reconnect with you, but I—I…”

“I know,” Die said. “I _have_ known, Kyo, for a while.”

Kyo shivered. “You… how?”

“I—well,” Die said uneasily. “It was hard to ignore, when you—summoned me, right in the middle of your…” He gestured vaguely and sniffed. “I can’t claim to know exactly what that meant to you, but clearly, ah, more than bandmates.”

Kyo felt like his pallor must have actually outdone Die’s for once, especially when he took into account how much Die was blushing. “You saw—that?”

“I. Yes. I’m sorry.”

“You never said anything.”

“I was ashamed,” Die said with a grimace. “I was supposed to be respecting your privacy, and instead I was—_watching_.”

Heat was pooling rapidly in Kyo’s core. “You watched?”

“The first time was an accident,” Die said. He wouldn’t meet Kyo’s eyes. “But the second time—when you called me here—I couldn’t look away. I knew I shouldn’t be watching, but I heard my name, and you looked so—I didn’t keep my control very well. I should have told you, I violated your trust, and—”

“I wanted you to see,” Kyo admitted.

At that, Die surged forward, and Kyo heard Gackt’s business card hit the hardwood in the split second before he felt the freezing electricity of Die’s fingertips passing _through_ his cheek.

Kyo searched Die’s face, willing him to concentrate long enough to touch him, to _kiss_ him.

“It won’t work,” Die said, sounding defeated. He dropped his hand.

“But—that’s why—if you’re _alive_, we could—” Kyo’s desperation was making complete sentences difficult. “Don’t… Don’t you want to be able to touch me?”

“Of course I do,” Die said. “I want you—so much. But I’ve had my chance, to live, to have—Just because I want you, that doesn’t mean it’s up to me, the power of life and death. And more than I want to be alive, I want _you_ alive.” He looked down at the card on the floor once more. “It’s too dangerous. And even if Gackt has the power to pull it off, his prices are too high.”

Kyo couldn’t believe what he was hearing. People always acted like _he_ was stubborn, but this was ridiculous. “It’s worth it. We’ll pay whatever it takes if it means bringing you back,” he said.

“That’s not the first time you’ve said, ‘we,’” Die said. He looked seriously at Kyo’s face. “Who’s doing this with you? Have you got the whole band involved in this?”

Kyo weighed his options. Maybe he could save one or two members from Die’s wrath by claiming they weren’t in on it, but most likely, Die would find out the truth sooner or later. After all, Kyo hadn’t even managed to keep the plot under wraps for a single _day_ after their meeting with Gackt.

“The whole band came to talk to Gackt,” Kyo said finally, “because we all care about you.” Seeing an opportunity, he added, “But actually, Toshiya really hit it off with him. Gackt wants him as a guest for his TV show.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, and it gave them a story for when Die eventually found out about that part of the arrangement.

Die’s eyebrows lifted. “Really? Bet management’ll love that.”

“It’s good publicity.”

“Then keep that the kind of professional relationship we have with him, yeah?” Die bent to pick up the business card again and held it out to Kyo. “No more of this dark magic behind my back.”

Kyo stared at the card before taking it, and meeting Die’s eyes. “If that’s what you want,” he said, echoing Kaoru’s words from when Die had first rejected the idea of involving Gackt.

Die’s smile was sad, but he nodded.

Kyo tucked the card into his back pocket, right next to the list of ingredients. He’d start shopping first thing tomorrow.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some brief self-harm ideation towards the end of this chapter.

It was unbelievable how lucky Kyo had been.

It was an hour into the band rehearsal before their next gig, and so far no one had mentioned Gackt or the plan at all. He knew it wouldn’t last, and in a way, that made it worse, because he was just waiting for some ugly blow-up, but he was still clinging to the dregs of hope that he might make it through the evening without being skinned alive for his various deceptions.

He’d half-expected it to be the first thing out of Toshiya’s mouth when he’d come in with Die, some burning question about how Die had been too busy to come meet Gackt along with everyone else, but then instead Toshiya had approached almost cautiously.

“Hey, Die,” he’d said. “How’s everything going?”

Die had given him a suspicious look, and Kyo had been ready to face-palm himself into another realm, but Toshiya had continued, “Did you manage to get everything worked out with that, um, ghost you met?”

Die had glanced at Kyo in surprise before turning back to Toshiya. “Kyo told you…?”

“Yeah, I let him know I was down to help, too, if you needed it.”

Oh, right. Kyo had had to cringe at the reminder that he’d neglected to ever mention that offer to Die. He really hadn’t spent that much time thinking about the entire business with the museum ghost in the week since it had all gone down. It just reminded him of the subsequent fight he’d had with Die, and he’d had other things to focus on anyway.

Still, Die had smiled. “That’s a nice offer, thanks.”

He’d gone on to tell Toshiya about the situation in some detail, which Kyo figured was a little more than he’d bargained for, but that was no one’s fault but Toshiya’s himself.

When Die had finished, Toshiya had said, somewhat cryptically, that now Die would have more time and energy to focus on his _own things_, and Die had agreed, without questioning what he meant specifically.

The whole conversation had been a close call, but ultimately harmless, and Kyo was more than grateful for that fact.

It didn’t erase his terror that something would be said at some later point in the rehearsal though, and he was starting to feel utterly paranoid with the tense way he watched every interaction between his bandmates.

Die had been content not to make any mention of Gackt again since their argument, and Kyo suspected he was just going on under the assumption that it was a closed subject. He couldn’t say of course whether or not Die really _believed_ that, but he hadn’t brought it up.

Then again, he hadn’t brought up _much_. It wasn’t exactly like he was avoiding Kyo; he still hovered around the apartment every day, talked to Kyo about band-related stuff, about Kyo’s work, about whatever he’d been watching on TV (though Kyo hadn’t missed the distinct absence of Gackt on his television lately). It was still obvious though that there were certain things Die was choosing _not_ to talk about. He’d admitted to having watched Kyo masturbate, to _wanting_ him—but then he’d tried once again to just return to their normal routine, and Kyo was kinda struggling with that.

He thought about maybe using the new information to his advantage. Die’s attraction to him could be just the thing to bring Die around and convince him that life was worth living. If Kyo could just provoke Die until he was too desperate for him to keep arguing, then maybe he’d finally be open to getting help from Gackt.

Because in the end, Die needed to be open to it. Kyo could sneak around and get everything set in place, but when it came down to it, he wasn’t going to bring Die back to life against his will. Die would have to agree to it, and as things currently stood, it was hard to see how he was going to get to that point.

Kyo had to scrap the idea of manipulating Die with sexual frustration, tempting though it was. He’d never wanted so badly to put himself on display for Die, to drown himself in pleasure and know that Die was watching, but he decided against it, no matter how many times the urge came into his head. He didn’t want to risk doing something that would make Die uncomfortable, or that could make him angry all over again. If he recognized Kyo’s motivations, it might only strengthen his resolve against everything, or piss him off so badly that he didn’t even _want_ Kyo anymore, and that obviously wasn’t Kyo's aim.

So, he’d spent the week quietly obtaining materials from Gackt’s list, and not saying anything about what had gone on between him and Die, to anyone. He’d met privately with Gackt, early in the week, just to hand over some of the ingredients that needed to be added earlier, and though Gackt still seemed disappointed to have not met Die yet, he didn’t question his failure to appear. In some surreal twist of fate, Kyo was less worried about Gackt than he was about any of the people involved in his actual life.

After all, Gackt had been pretty straightforward with Kyo, from the beginning. He’d stated plainly what he needed from him, and he’d been receptive to Kyo’s questions and concerns.

There were still a couple items on the list that Kyo had some issues with, namely _Something belonging to the Deceased_ and _Something belonging to the Deceased’s True Love_.

Upon first reading them (the last two ingredients on the list), Kyo had spent a full minute staring, trying to decide if he was being pranked. Those couldn’t be actual things Gackt expected him to deliver.

He’d confronted Gackt the first chance he got. “His ‘True Love’? For real? C’mon, that’s some fairytale bullshit, that’s not real life.”

Gackt had merely chuckled. “It is, but that’s magic for you. Won’t work without it.”

That had been the only thing to bring Kyo close to tossing out the entire plan. He couldn’t imagine how Die’s “True Love” should have anything to do with bringing him back to life. There had to be other things to live for.

For his part, Kyo had never even been sure if he believed in things like true love. It was like soulmates; too many people believed different things, and it was too hard to define. It was hard enough to believe in what he could see and touch.

Then again, he thought of the ghost from the museum and his wife. Just their reunion had been enough to bring him the peace necessary to pass on from the limbo in which he’d been stuck. If that was true love, maybe it was something Die had, too. Kyo didn’t know how he could go about hunting down Die’s old girlfriend without his help, but if that was what Gackt’s spell or whatever the hell it was needed, he would just have to find a way.

As the rehearsal ended, Kaoru reminded them all yet again that they had a meeting with their management team the next day, to discuss the details of the TV spot they were supposed to shoot, and the possibility of Toshiya’s appearance on Gackt’s show.

Die rolled his eyes at the mention of it, but didn’t make any further fuss, and Kyo was glad he’d thought to tell him in advance, a version that left out the details of Toshiya’s obligation.

All in all, there had been no uncomfortable revelations during the band’s first gathering since setting the ball rolling with Gackt, and, determined to keep it that way, Kyo headed for the exit as soon as all the business was finished. He almost made it, too, until he was stopped by the immovable object known as Shinya.

“Kyo, I was hoping to speak with you before you take off,” he said calmly.

Not being an idiot, Kyo knew what Shinya must want to talk to him about, and started thinking as fast as he could of a way to get out of it. He glanced over his shoulder at Die, who was just crossing to join him. “Uh, we were just going—maybe we could talk another time?”

Die frowned, looking between Kyo and Shinya as he reached them. “Something wrong?”

“No, nothing,” Kyo said. “It can wait, yeah, Shin?”

But instead of nodding like Kyo hoped, Shinya turned towards Die. “Actually, I need to borrow Kyo. You wouldn’t mindgoing without him?”

Die looked a little surprised, but said, “Yeah, of course. Um. Guess I’ll see you later then.”

With Die accepting it, Kyo really had no basis for protesting, so he tried to force a smile. “See you back at the apartment.”

Die didn’t bother sticking around longer than that, and just faded neatly away, leaving a chill in the air behind him.

Although Kyo wanted to complain that Shinya was making him stay, he had to appreciate the fact that he had at least sent Die off and given them some privacy.

In fact, that didn’t make any sense. Why would Shinya want to speak to Kyo alone if it was something about the spell?

“What did you want to talk about?” Kyo asked, genuine confusion taking out the snarl that he’d originally intended in his voice.

Shinya nodded towards the door and Kyo followed, his curiosity increasing as it was apparently something Shinya didn’t want any of the other members to overhear.

“What’s going on?” Kyo said once they were alone. “Is everything okay?”

“I heard how Die was talking about meeting that other ghost and his wife.”

Kyo blinked a few times. That wasn’t the direction he’d expected this to go at all.

“You’ve been around him more,” Shinya said. “Do you feel like he’s—Is that what he wants? I know we’ve been trying to find this other way to help him, but should we be putting our efforts into helping him resolve his issues so that he’s no longer trapped on Earth instead?”

There was so much more pain and uncertainty in Shinya’s face than Kyo was used to seeing there, and it seemed to twist around his heart like a vise.

“I don’t know what we should be doing,” Kyo admitted quietly.“I… I had the same thought, when I first heard him talking about—but I don’t think Die’s unfinished business would be quite that easy to resolve. A lot of it is internalized, and forgiving himself might be harder than getting that forgiveness from someone else.”

Kyo had still never shared with the others the details of Die’s death. He didn’t think it was his place and he didn’t think it was their business, but it was hard to explain Die’s complicated emotions surrounding it without any context.

Shinya however didn’t press for more information. He just looked thoughtful. “You don’t think it’s worth a shot, though? If it could bring Die peace…”

That's where Kyo started to feel himself crack. If it could bring Die peace, then he’d lose Die forever. If he went against Die’s express wishes, he _might_ stand a chance at keeping him. That is, if Die even wanted anything to do with him at that point.

And why would he? Kyo was the most selfish person alive, couldn’t even respect Die’s telling him to stop, couldn’t put Die first enough to work towards his freedom instead of the opposite. Kyo needed to be punished, he _deserved_ to be punished, for being so selfish and despicable, and in some part of himself he could already feel a blade dragging into the skin of his arms, could imagine the bright red blood welling up—

“Kyo, stay with me.” Shinya was holding on to him, and the gentle shake he gave him broke through the haze of his spiraling thoughts.

Kyo’s palms were still itching, but he nodded, trying to focus on Shinya in front of him, the weight of his hands on his shoulders.

“What are you thinking?” Shinya said.

Well, that wasn’t something Kyo wanted to get into, so he had to come up with something else to tell him. “I was already thinking about trying to find… his girlfriend.”

“Die’s girlfriend? From when he was alive,” Shinya said, eyebrows climbing his forehead. “Why would you try to find her?”

“One of the ingredients on the list Gackt gave me,” Kyo said. His throat felt dry, and he swallowed as if it would help somehow. “We need something belonging to his True Love.”

Shinya paused, staring at Kyo. He lowered his arms back to his sides. “His True Love. And you’re sure that’s… her.”

“I know it’s stupid,” Kyo said, “but Die and I have talked about her before, how he never got to say goodbye, and he misses her and he loves her, so that’s kind of all I’ve got to go on.”

“Then what kind of thing are you supposed to get from her?”

Kyo shrugged. “It’s not specific.”

“And how are you planning on finding her?”

Kyo, too, was stuck on that point. He didn’t know a single thing about Die’s girlfriend, and even if he could ask Die without raising his suspicions, it seemed like a personal matter for him to go prying into. But—

Kyo frowned. Shinya would surely think it would be a fairly easy thing to just ask Die.

Unless…

“How long have you known?” Kyo said, his eyes narrowed.

“Known?” Shinya tipped his head to the side. “That whatever we do, it’s behind Die’s back? You can’t have thought you were fooling me saying ‘something came up’ when we met with Gackt.”

It was true that Kyo probably _should_ have guessed that Shinya didn’t buy that for a minute, but since he hadn’t been scolded, he’d just assumed he’d gotten away with it.

“Why didn’t you call me out?”

“I know how much this means to you,” Shinya said simply. “How much _Die_ means to you. Even if he said it’s not what he wants, I don’t think it hurts to make the arrangements, so he can have that option when the time comes.” Some of that pain came back into his eyes as he added, “But I think you’d agree, if we could do something else that would be better for him, we kind of have no choice but to aim for that instead.”

Kyo couldn’t argue. Of course Shinya was right, they had no choice. No matter how badly Kyo wanted to keep Die, wanted the chance to hold him and feel him, warm and alive in his arms, if they could bring him the same kind of peace and joy he’d admired between the museum ghost and his wife, that was what they’d have to do.

He didn’t realize he’d started crying until Shinya was silently offering him a kleenex from his bag.

“It doesn’t mean we have to give up,” Shinya said with his trademark gentleness. “As far as I can tell right now, there isn’t some immediate time limit on anything we do, so for the time being, we can just keep making our preparations, and find out what Die would rather do once we have our ducks in a row.”

Kyo sniffed. “What about the others?”

“What about them? They’ll keep doing their parts as well.”

“No, I mean—Did you tell them?”

“That you lied about Die being onboard? No. I understand your reason for not being upfront about that, and I’m not so sure Kaoru would go along with it if he knew the truth. So, your secret’s safe with me.”

Kyo couldn’t really understand why Shinya would be willing to keep his secret for him, especially when he’d had a less than high opinion of Die at the beginning. When he hadn’t even believed that Die was real at first, why would he side with Kyo now?

Something twisted inside Kyo, saying that Shinya was merely humoring him again, that when it came down to it, he wouldn’t be able to count on hm, but he pushed it down in favor of being glad that he had an ally in all this.

Kyo thanked Shinya, and told him he’d be in touch if he got any more information about the last ingredients, or a way for them to find Die’s girlfriend. He had a lot to think about, but he couldn’t turn his nose up at having someone to share some of the burden, even he wasn’t completely sure he could trust him.


	24. Chapter 24

Kyo blinked blearily up at the outline of Die seated on the edge of his bed. He was less sure whether it was a dream this time. He could tell the mattress was dipping under Die’s weight, but there was a familiar chill in the room that made Kyo burrow deeper under his covers.

He was distantly aware that Die was looking at him, though he wasn’t radiating any particular emotion. Most likely, if he knew what Kyo and Shinya had been discussing the day before, he would have seemed angrier, so in that way Kyo wasn’t too worried. Then again, with how they’d been tiptoeing around each other recently, Die’s sit-and-stare behavior was a little less common, so there was probably something going on.

“What’s up?” Kyo asked, his voice coming out even rougher than he expected.

“I was just waiting for you to be awake.”

Kyo didn’t exactly buy that. “Nothing better to do?”

Die shrugged. “I didn’t see you last night.”

It was true that when Kyo had gotten back to the apartment, Die hadn’t been around. He hadn’t thought much of it, hadn’t considered summoning him or anything. He loved Die’s company, but after talking to Shinya, Kyo had been too emotionally exhausted to put on a brave face for him.

“Is Shinya all right?” Die said then, eyes on the subtle pattern on Kyo’s comforter.

“Shin’s fine,” Kyo said. “Everything’s fine.”

Die made a face, and Kyo could tell he wasn’t saying whatever he was thinking right then, but he didn’t ask about it.

“What time is it?” he asked instead.

“Almost time to get up for the meeting,” Die said. He hesitated, then, “I was wondering whether you’d told the others anything about—Well, I know Toshiya said you’d mentioned the stuff with Takeyama, and—But you didn’t say how I… what we talked about, after?”

Kyo was lost for all of a few long seconds until he realized Die meant about his _interest_ in Kyo, what he’d witnessed and all that. 

“Of course not,” Kyo said truthfully. “That would have required also telling them some of my own personal shit, you know? Not my style.” He pushed himself up on one elbow and attempted a smile.

Die didn’t return it. “It’s not because I’m ashamed of what I told you—No, that’s not—I _am_, I’m ashamed of _that_, I just—Kyo, you’re so damn beautiful.”

“Huh?” Kyo was lost again.

“I didn’t mean to watch you sleep,” Die said miserably. He covered his face with his hands. “I’m the creepiest ghost, shit.”

Kyo leveraged himself into a sitting position. “You’re not creepy, Die, I don’t care.” He was so perplexed by Die’s behavior he was back to wondering if it was a dream after all. He reached out, thinking of it as a test, and laid his hand on Die’s thigh.

He could practically _see_ the sparks flying as Die jumped, startled, and looked down at Kyo’s hand. A wheezing little laugh leaked out of him and all at once he was up out of the bed, just a bit translucent.

“Do you want breakfast? I have time to cook something while you get ready,” Die said, his words coming too fast. “You should eat before the meeting, something besides all that chocolate. I’ll go get it started.” He was still talking indistinctly as he turned and left Kyo’s room.

It was enough for Kyo to decide that it wasn’t a dream. Something was evidently on Die’s mind, but he wasn’t interested in pressuring him to discuss it. Either it would come out eventually or it wasn’t that dire to begin with.

Trying to put it out of his head, Kyo reluctantly exited his cocoon of warm covers and started getting ready for the day ahead of him.

By a couple hours later, Kyo had more or less forgotten about Die’s weirdness in the morning. His stomach was pleasantly full of a breakfast better-balanced than anything he would’ve come up with on his own, and he was standing beside Die waiting for their train. His thoughts were fully absorbed yet again with how he was going to obtain the remaining materials for the spell.

It didn’t take long for Die to notice his distracted manner, and Kyo, without thinking about why he shouldn’t, asked Die bluntly, “What was your girlfriend’s name?"

Die shook his head like he’d misheard him. “What?”

“Your girlfriend,” Kyo repeated. “You never told me her name.”

“No,” Die agreed warily. “I guess I didn’t. Why would I?”

“You’ve told me a lot of other stuff from your life,” Kyo said. “Just seems like this detail that I’m missing.”

“Missing?” The suspicion rang loud and clear in Die’s voice, and Kyo avoided looking at him as their train arrived and their attention went to boarding without getting trampled.

“_Kyo_,” Die said sternly as the doors closed behind them. “Tell me this has nothing to do with what you were saying the other day, about me finding her, and—and making peace. That’s not what this is about, right?”

“It’s not,” Kyo said. He was almost surprised by how believable it sounded. “I’m just curious, things about you.”

Die didn’t answer for a moment. Then he said, “I don’t want to tell you.”

It was ridiculous to be shocked, but Kyo felt his mouth drop open. Not so terribly long ago, Die had told Kyo that he’d answer him anything he wanted to know, and Kyo had already damaged his trust so badly that that was no longer the case.

“There are just some things I’d prefer to keep private,” Die said, keeping his voice pitched low. “And since you don’t know her, there’s no real reason for you to know her name. I’m dead and it’s not my business to go giving out people's information.”

Kyo sputtered indignantly. “_Information_, I just asked her _name_, not her social media passwords, Christ.”

“Please don’t act like I’m stupid,” Die sighed. “I know you want to find her. You’ve given up trying to bring me back to life, so now you’re trying to get me closure, but you’re just not _listening_ to me.”

“Of course I’m listening to you,” Kyo said. “That doesn’t mean you can’t be wrong. I just want you to have _options_, and then if choosing to stay a ghost here on earth is what sounds best, at least it’s not your choice by default.” Kyo was relieved that at least Die seemed to believe he’d given up on the other plan (which he most certainly had not). Maybe that meant he’d be a little less quick to catch on to activity related to to that.

“Not listening,” Die repeated, more to himself, and Kyo ignored it.

They didn’t really talk the rest of the journey to their record label’s offices, and it made Kyo kind of sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to argue with Die. No one understood him better, and the accusation that he wasn’t listening in return was like a slap in the face.

They were the last to arrive to the meeting room, and Shinya gave them a curious little look as they came in, clearly sensing the uncomfortable tension there right off the bat. If Die noticed, he didn’t say anything, and Kyo just figured he’d have to fill Shinya in later.

That was easier said than done. Kyo was content to tune out the meeting going on around him and text Shinya under the table, but even when Kyo nudged him with his foot, silently urging him to check his phone, Shinya was painfully slow to respond.

It seemed like an hour had passed when Kyo’s phone buzzed at last.

**[S]: **_He’s absolutely refusing to even share her name? That does make things difficult…_

**[k]: **_And it’s not like you can ask instead, he’s already suspicious af_

**[k]: **_There could be the possibility of hunting down his old bandmates, trying to get her info from one of them? But that’s some extra steps, and fuck knows I don’t wanna reach out to any more ppl than necessary_

“Kyo, you cannot seriously be texting in the middle of this meeting,” Kaoru said, sounding tired, and Kyo lifted his head to find everyone staring at him.

He would have pointed out that Kaoru had only drawn more attention to it by announcing it out loud, but it really seemed like everyone was looking already, so, swallowing guiltily, Kyo shook his head and slid his phone safely into his pocket.

The remainder of the meeting was probably the most important part anyway, where they talked about when and where they were meeting to shoot the commercial, who was transporting what instruments and equipment, and what generally was expected of the band.

Perhaps the most surprising part was that, having talked to various involved parties, the team was proposing for the filming of the TV spot and the episode of Gackt’s show featuring Toshiya to take place on the same day.

“It’s not even a full thirty-second commercial,” their publicist explained. “The bit featuring you guys is so limited, I would be surprised if the whole shoot took more than a few hours. Then, since obviously we want all of you there in the studio audience to show your support for your bandmate, it just makes sense to get both done at the same time!” He looked tremendously pleased with himself, and Kyo felt like his chair was sinking into a puddle of sludge.

That feeling increased when Kaoru said, “So if we’re filming Saturday—we won’t expect to see the finished product on TV for at least—what, six weeks?”

“Wait, wait, Saturday—what Saturday?” Kyo said.

Kaoru gave him a look, clearly annoyed that he wasn’t paying better attention. “_This _ Saturday, Kyo, the 23rd.”

“I thought it was the 23rd of _next_ month!” Kyo said, trying to keep a lid on his rising panic.

“Is there a problem with this Saturday?” Takabayashi asked, his face lined with concern. “I was just going by the availability Kaoru reported to me.”

“There’s no problem,” Kaoru said. “Kyo just hasn’t been listening.”

“This is an ongoing issue with him,” Die said with a sigh, and Kyo scowled in his direction. He didn’t really feel like he needed to be attacked from more sides right then.

Saturday was soon. Maybe it wasn’t technically a problem, but it was a deadline, and Kyo always wanted to find a way around those. If the whole band was supposed to be there for the filming with Gackt in less than a _week_, that was how long Kyo had to round up the remaining ingredients. If they were all there with Gackt, there would be no way to hide from Die that they hadn’t given up on the spell, and he might put a stop to the whole thing.

Sure, there was a chance that Gackt would be sketchy enough to continue working with Kyo even with the knowledge that Die was against it, but that wasn’t really how Kyo wanted it to be. He’d much rather have it ready to go when Die found out, so it would be easy for him to accept it, to see there had been no harm in trying.

The meeting ended with Kyo spaced out again, but he couldn’t be bothered with feeling bad about it. If it was important information, someone could fill him in later, and if it wasn’t, then his thoughts were more worthwhile, and he didn’t regret giving them his attention.

Die and Shinya were talking as everyone got up from the table, and Kyo’s eyes fell on them, nervous about what they could be discussing.

Thus he was caught by surprise when Toshiya approached him from the other side with a quiet, “Hey, how’s it going?”

“What?” Kyo said, trying to play it cool, after he’d obviously jumped. “Nothing. I mean, it’s fine. What’s up?”

“You seem distracted,” Toshiya said. “I know Shinya said we were all supposed to kind of leave you alone and not mention Gackt and everything ‘cause it would stress you out—and I’m fucking that up right now.” He grimaced guiltily. “I just hate feeling like I’m not contributing. So how’s it going with getting all the _stuff_?”

Kyo’s eyes flicked over to where Die was still occupied talking to Shinya. “Um, it’s going—okay. Some items are harder to get a hold of than others.” He looked back at Toshiya. “But don’t—don’t feel like you’re not contributing, Toshiya you’re doing the show, that’s _huge_, that’s fucking everything.”

Toshiya waved a hand, but Kyo could tell he was pleased by the praise. “I’m glad I can help. What about your end of things though? Need a hand with any of it?”

Kyo chewed his lip, glanced over at Die again. He wasn’t being subtle and he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Maybe there was something Toshiya could help with; hunting down Die’s girlfriend without any help from him was likely to be a lot of work. But once again he was faced with the struggle of trying to find an excuse for why they couldn’t just ask Die and look her up with his assistance. He was still sitting there not answering when he noticed Shinya looking his way sort of pointedly, and then Die was turning towards him, too, and Kyo had to mutter that he would text Toshiya later before standing to join Die.

“Ready to get going?” Die asked. He was smiling, so it couldn’t have been too bad a thing he and Shinya were talking about.

“Sure,” Kyo said. He nodded towards Shinya. “What was all that?”

“All what? Shinya?”

“Just curious, you guys were over there a long time.”

Die shrugged. “Nothing exciting. Talking about the CM, mostly, beer.”

“Oh.” Kyo could tell he sounded paranoid, but he didn’t really know how to recover form the damage already done. “Hmm, yeah, beer.”

“You’re not a fan, right?”

“Eh, not really,” Kyo said. “I’ve had some bad experiences with drinking.”

“I think that’s part of it,” Die said, chuckling. “Bad choices, bad experiences…” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make light of your stuff. I don’t know what your bad experiences have been.”

Kyo wobbled his head from side to side. “Probably pretty standard.” He didn’t feel much like getting into details about past events that would only make Die uncomfortable. “I guess that’s why they warn you to drink responsibly though, right?”

Die laughed. “I guess so.”

Whatever bad tension there had been between them before the meeting seemed to have cleared up, and Die was his cheerful self, but it left some residual awkwardness on the inside of Kyo’s brain. He didn’t want to think that Die was faking, lying, pretending everything between them was okay when it wasn’t. The idea that Die was hiding things from him made Kyo irrationally and hypocritically upset. He knew he didn’t have any right to be hurt by something like that, and yet, he couldn’t stand thinking about whatever Die wasn’t telling him.

As had become their custom recently, Kyo and Die didn’t really hang out once they got back to the apartment. It was ridiculous, but admitting and acknowledging their mutual attraction to each other had put a distance between them that was difficult to ignore.

Kyo didn’t really see why it had to be that way. Really, he couldn’t understand a lot of things about Die’s feelings, but he never wanted to push and damage the fragile but mostly comfortable thing they had going, so he let Die disappear quietly into the other room, and holed himself up in his bed, opening up his messages on his phone to talk to both Shinya and Toshiya.

He texted Shinya first, thanking him for his discreet instruction to the other members to not bring up the spell in front of Die. Kyo didn’t know how he would ever manage to get anything done if he didn’t have Shinya in his corner.

His message to Toshiya was a bit more carefully crafted, and he sent it off with a knot in his stomach.

**[k]:**_ Re:helping with ingredients—I’m trying to get in touch w/ Die’s gf from when he was alive but it’s proving tricky and taking up a lot of my time._

Much as Kyo would have liked to shove the social outreach duties off on Toshiya, he couldn’t enlist his help without at least a name for the girlfriend, so instead he sent him a shopping list of the last unrelated items he needed to purchase. That way he could keep Toshiya helping, distracted from suspicions, but leave the more delicate matters for Shinya and himself. Naturally, Toshiya accepted without question, happy to do whatever Kyo asked of him.

Shinya texted back a minute later, as well.

**[S]:**_ I’ve spent the evening doing research about Die’s old band._

**[S]:** _Have you seen any of the photos?_

The next message was an image; someone who was clearly Die, onstage with his guitar, but wearing way too much makeup and way too much fake leather. His fire-engine-red hair stuck out at all angles, but he was smiling in an entirely recognizable way. Kyo found himself zooming in on that smile, his heart feeling like it was being squeezed mercilessly.

He was so distracted staring at the perfect curve of Die’s mouth that he didn’t fully process what he was looking at for a minute. Shinya had found photos of Die’s band from when he was alive. He had information about Die that Kyo himself didn’t have. That Kyo wasn’t _supposed_ to have, because Die hadn’t provided it himself.

The guilt was back, like a bucket of ice water dousing him, and Kyo quickly closed the picture and returned to his chat with Shinya. If he’d been doing research, he had presumably also found out the story of how Die had died, something Kyo had never divulged to the rest of the band. It was done to help Die, Kyo knew. Shinya might have found out things Die didn’t want found, things even Kyo had deemed too personal to let the rest of the band in on, but it was done with Die’s best interests in mind.

It didn’t make Kyo feel much better.

After taking another few seconds to hate himself, Kyo asked Shinya what else he’d come up with.

**[S]:**_ I think this is her._

Another photo followed, this one backstage, Die and two of his bandmates, a beer in one hand, and his other arm thrown around a girl with a pixie haircut and a smile almost big enough to rival Die’s own. The date on the photo put it at over five years ago, but it still hurt like Kyo was seeing it take place right in front of him.

**[S]:** _She’s in a lot of the pictures._

Kyo was grateful that Shinya had only sent one. 

**[k]:**_ So then those bandmates must know her._

**[S]:**_ Or they did. It’s a starting point. I already found one guy online, but I was checking with you before I messaged him._

In a way, Kyo kind of wished Shinya hadn’t waited for his go-ahead; then he could have felt less responsible for whatever happened next. Then again, he knew this was all his undertaking, and he deserved any consequences, no matter how negative.

Kyo thanked Shinya and gave his blessing to send the message. Then he scrolled up and deleted the last several texts, including the photos, trying to get rid of the evidence. It was harder to delete the photos than he expected, and he stared at each one so long he was sure the images were seared into his brain, but in the end he managed to get rid of them.

He felt dirty, having carried all this out behind Die’s back, while he sat ignorant in the other room, and was just getting up to go get in the bath, when to his surprise, he received another text from Shinya.

**[S]:** _We don’t have a lot of time before Saturday._

That was stating the obvious and not super helpful for Kyo to hear at the moment, so he waited to see if Shinya was planning on saying more.

**[S]: **_I hope you have some kind of back-up plan. If Die finds out and we’re not ready, most likely he’s just going to be upset._

Did Shinya _want_ to just add to Kyo’s mental breakdown?

**[k]:** _I’m aware of that, but I don’t have a plan yet._

**[S]:**_ All we need is the girlfriend?_

**[k]: **_I gave Toshiya a list of the last minor things aside from that._

That wasn’t the whole truth, though. Really, Kyo still didn’t have an item belonging to Die, either, and he didn’t even know where to start with that.

**[S]:**_ And that’s everything?_

It was too hard to keep things from Shinya, and Kyo explained about the other ingredient he was missing, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal.

That kind of thing never worked on him, and Shinya replied immediately.

**[S]:** _What does that mean? Something of Die’s, from when he was alive? Is he even capable of owning things now?_

Kyo didn’t have the answer to those questions, and was tempted to just hide his phone under his pillow and pretend it didn’t exist. Then he could go bathe in peace and try to forget all this stress for a single fucking night.

**[S]:** _I’m not going to rob his grave, Kyo, I have to draw the line somewhere._

That got a snort out of Kyo, and he texted back.

**[k]: **_Didn’t know you were so squeamish._

**[S]: **_It’s just disrespectful. I’m not willing to terrorize his family asking for things either. If we had his permission, it would be different._

**[k]: **_I know._

It wasn't like Kyo disagreed with any of that. He didn’t have many other ideas for how to get his hands on something of Die’s, though. With a sigh, Kyo pushed himself up and rolled his shoulders back. They would figure this out. The deadline wasn’t _tomorrow_, after all; they still had a little bit of time. He decided to think on it more in the bath, and started to empty his pockets, dropping everything on top of his dresser, when he froze, staring at the guitar pick in his hand.

Die’s pick.

Kyo scrambled for his phone, feeling more hopeful about things than he had in ages as he reopened his chat with Shinya.

**[k]: **_I’ve got something of Die’s. All we need is the gf._


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope anyone who celebrates Christmas had a really lovely holiday, and that everyone else has been having a great week anyway!  
Warnings in this chapter for, I guess, a panic attack/emotional breakdown? I don't think it's too bad, but there's some heavy stuff in this chapter, so I don't want to pretend there's not. Also, you may recognize some of what Toshiya says about Kyo as based on his real life comments! Inspired by true events.  
We're starting to get sort of towards the end of this, and I have noticed and understood some of y'all's apprehension about what's going on, but if it's any comfort, remember that it's meee, when have I ever abandoned my characters to wither away in utter angst? Whatever happens, well, we'll see, but don't be too disheartened, eh? <3

Kyo had been having an unusually high number of nightmares all week.

He’d always been prone to them, but it was still overwhelming to have them every single night. Gone were the pleasantly sexy dreams he’d had about Die before; now it was always visions of fighting, of Kyo losing Die over and over, of Die’s girlfriend laughing as Die walked purposefully out of Kyo’s life forever. Even the knowledge that they were just dreams didn’t bring Kyo much comfort when for the most part they seemed plausible.

Die was going to be angry with him. He knew that, and he’d accepted it as a price he was willing to pay, but it didn’t mean he was looking forward to it. He deserved Die’s anger, deserved any and every punishment that Die might devise for him, and he would gladly get started with them on his own, if it meant Die might also forgive him in the end. Kyo sat alone in the apartment doodling in a sketchbook, remnants from his recent nightmare, things that were all teeth and too-long limbs. Sort of like Die, if he became a true monster and not just a ghost.

There was a knock at the door, and Kyo rose to answer it. He’d invited Toshiya over while Die wasn’t around, so he could drop off the items he’d gathered for the spell.

“Okay, so I didn’t know what you meant by ‘mugwort,’ like I went and they had three different kinds,” Toshiya said, charging into the apartment as soon as the door was open, not even pausing for a greeting. “Fresh, dried, powdered—I didn’t know what to get, so I just bought all three. The wormwood’s in there, too, and the rest of it is here.” He shoved two paper bags into Kyo’s arms and worked his shoes off. “I’m sorry it took me so long to find everything.”

Kyo shook his head, peering into one of the bags. “It’s fine, perfect. What do I owe you for all of this?”

Toshiya gave him a dirty look. “Don’t even start. Anyway, I would have brought it over sooner, but the quail eggs I got at first got broken on the drive home, and I had to make another trip to get more.”

“It’s great, Toshiya. Thank you.” Kyo made sure to meet his eyes. “Seriously.”

“I’m glad I could help.” Toshiya came further into the apartment and looked around. “It’s been a while since you had me over.”

“Did you want to come over?”

“Not particularly,” Toshiya said. His eyes followed Kyo as he moved to stash the paper bags safely in the closet with the other ingredients. “Die’s not here, eh?”

“Haven’t seen him today,” Kyo said over his shoulder. He hated that that fact was actually a relief. The way Die had been acting around him recently was just another source of stress, and at least while Die was in the other realm it didn’t feel as much like he was avoiding him. “It’s probably good for him to get some of that extra recharged energy before tomorrow.”

Toshiya was nodding when Kyo came back to the living room. “We have everything ready now, right?”

“Nearly.”

“How’s it going with hunting down Die’s ex?”

“She’s not his _ex_.”

“Well,” Toshiya said, frowning, “they didn’t ‘break up,’ but they’re not together anymore. Did you find her?”

“We… have a lead,” Kyo said, and sat on the couch. He was so _tired_, his sleep not affording him any rest lately. The truth was that they weren’t all that much closer to locating Die’s girlfriend than they had been at the beginning of the week.

Die’s bandmate had eventually gotten back to Shinya, told him her name was Miyuki, but their luck had run out after that. Just a first name wasn’t enough to look someone up, and the bandmate couldn’t offer any further information as to her whereabouts.

“The shoot’s tomorrow,” Toshiya said.

“I do know that, actually,” Kyo said, his exhaustion letting his irritability leak out.

“But, it’s not like that’s the deadline, right?” Toshiya said. “Gackt will be there, and we can let him know where we are—maybe he’ll have some advice about how to get that last item.”

Kyo didn’t answer. Toshiya was an innocent, and he couldn’t understand just how much of a deadline it was. If they didn’t have everything ready by tomorrow… Not that Kyo was giving up, but he couldn’t really see how they’d get another chance.

“I’m just saying, don’t look so heartbroken about it,” Toshiya said with a smile. “We’ve put all this work in already, and I’m sure if all we still need is something from Die’s ex—his girlfriend, then we’ll get it, and Gackt won’t mind waiting to perform the spell. He’s probably got a crazy schedule tomorrow anyway, you know?”

Kyo still didn’t know what to say. Gackt wasn’t his concern, and he didn’t think he could explain his stress nightmares to Toshiya, not in a way that he would fully understand.

“How is Die?” Toshiya asked quietly, like he didn’t want to interrupt Kyo’s thoughts too aggressively. “How are you guys?”

Kyo shrugged. “Fine. I mean, I’ve been working and everything. Die’s usually around. He works, too, on music.”

“And the two of you together…?” Toshiya’s gaze wandered pointedly to Kyo’s sketchbook still lying open on the coffee table.

“We’re not together,” Kyo said. “We haven’t been spending a lot of time together, is what I mean.”

“Since when?” Toshiya asked. “You had gotten really close, I thought. Why aren’t you spending time together?”

Kyo closed his eyes, debating how much he should tell him. It had seemed like Die wasn’t comfortable with the rest of the band knowing he was attracted to Kyo, although Kyo still wasn’t totally clear on why not. He knew he was embarrassed about how he’d seen Kyo in a couple private moments, but it wasn’t like that was a part of the story Kyo would go around announcing.

After a long pause, Kyo opened his eyes, and said simply, “Die is interested in me.”

Toshiya punched the air. “_Yes_, I totally called it! Didn’t I tell you I thought he was?” His smile faded abruptly. “Wait, how is that a reason for you to _not_ spend time together? You’re interested in him, too.”

Kyo nodded. “I am. More than interested.”

“Well, did you tell him that?”

“I thought he didn’t get it,” Kyo said. “But he does. He knows, and he’s been more or less avoiding me ever since we talked about it.”

Toshiya looked devastated by this news. “But _why_?”

“Because he’s a ghost,” Kyo said. “He doesn’t think we can be together.”

“Sure, right now it’s tricky, but then you should both be even more excited,” Toshiya said earnestly. “The spell will mean you can be together without any complications! Isn’t he… happy?”

Kyo felt like he was crumbling from the inside. “I think he… Maybe neither of us has much confidence that it’s going to work out.”

“Why wouldn’t it?” Toshiya said. “If I’m selling myself to Gackt like this, it had _better_ fucking work! I know it’s not your MO to think positively, but you gotta have at least a little more faith.”

“It’s hard to explain this stuff to Die.” Kyo dragged a hand through his hair. “He’s so bright, and so—his smile lights up the whole damn world, but when it comes to _him_, he’s so hard on himself. He thinks he’s used up his chance at life, that I… I don’t even know, that I’d be better, happier, with someone already living.”

“He really _doesn’t_ get it,” Toshiya muttered. “Look, I know I gave you shit about it before, but _Die_ makes you better, he makes you happier, and if he can’t see that he’s got his little translucent ghost eyelids glued shut.” He faced Kyo more on the couch, looking at him seriously. “It’s not what I would have said I wanted for you, obviously it’s unconventional. But you guys support each other and balance each other out.”

Kyo wanted to curl in on himself, but he worked hard to keep looking at Toshiya, to hear what he was saying.

Toshiya went on, “I spend… so much time worrying about you. I know, even when you seem okay, that I don’t know what’s going on, that you’re fighting battles the rest of us can’t see, that you go out into the world armed with nothing but your fists and your spirit, and you never stop fighting. I admire you.” He took a breath. “But it scares me, too, that you’re out there struggling. When you’re with Die, I don’t have to worry about you.”

Kyo swallowed, and wrapped his arms more tightly around himself against the chill of the room.

“I don’t mean that as that I think you’re weak,” Toshiya said, “that you need protection, or supervision. You’ve always been stronger than you realize, and I do believe you can handle yourself. But with Die… I trust him with you. And I trust you with him.”

That was some breaking point for Kyo, and he dropped his face into his hands, sniffing loudly before he could stifle the sound. Toshiya’s arms were around him in an instant, and Kyo let out another ugly wet sound in response. Toshiya _trusted_ him, and Kyo was an unforgivable piece of shit. He’d lied to everyone who cared about him, again and again, and he didn’t deserve to be comforted when he brought all his pain upon himself.

He couldn't breathe, and he didn’t even have the energy to push Toshiya away as he kept rubbing his back, shushing him softly and speaking meaningless, reassuring words.

Then another voice cut through the static, low and concerned, “Is he okay?”

He really wasn’t. Kyo tried to make himself smaller. He couldn’t face Die right now, not like this. He was a disgusting, snot-covered, _lying_ fuck-up, who manipulated others into caring for him and he didn’t even deserve to _live_; he couldn't stand to hear that worry in Die’s voice.

Then there was the shock that ran through him as Die’s hand fell gently on his shoulder, and Kyo was half-convinced it was another nightmare. He wanted that touch more than anything, but he didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve kindness, he didn’t deserve—

“_Kyo, hey, stop_.” Die’s voice was soft, but firm, and Kyo realized he’d been speaking his thoughts aloud. “C’mere.”

Kyo didn’t move. He felt Toshiya’s warmth drifting away from him, and he cried harder in spite of himself.

Large hands pulled him to his feet, though he couldn’t imagine supporting his own weight. He kept his own hands over his face, tried to collapse back onto the floor, but the hands on his arms wouldn’t let him.

“Come here, Kyo,” Die said again.

Kyo just shook his head. He couldn’t go into Die’s arms, couldn’t take that unearned comfort from him. “Can’t,” he managed to say.

“Please,” Die said. “Do you remember—you told me once, that if I wanted to, I could hug you. Well, I’m cashing in. I want my hug. I _need_ it, now.”

Kyo lowered his hands from his tear-tracked face, just enough to peer up at Die, who was fixing him with such a sad, hopeful look. He opened his mouth to argue, but all that came out was another strangled sob, and in the next second he was being crushed against Die’s chest, solid but cold where he pressed his face into him.

Die’s hand cradled the back of Kyo’s head, and Kyo cried. He went on crying so long he lost track of time, harder than he had in years. He clung to the fabric of Die’s t-shirt, felt it grow wet with his tears, and that was real, wasn’t it? He could feel it, the tangible, physical way that they interacted, more than just energy, and it calmed him down in a way that he couldn’t process consciously. Gradually he stopped being fully aware of why he was crying, of the floor beneath him or the world around him.

The next thing Kyo properly registered was the uncomfortable feeling of having fallen asleep wearing his jeans, and he groaned, as he pushed himself up in his bed, head pounding.

He had the impression that he’d had a very bad dream, but before he could call up any details, Die was there, standing at the side of his bed with a glass of water.

He forced the glass, somehow gently, into Kyo’s hands. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Kyo said, and obediently drank the water. He tried to remember why he wouldn’t be feeling well. If Die was concerned, that meant it hadn’t just been a bad dream after all. Had he hurt himself again?

As he lowered the glass, Kyo took stock of a few things; nothing aside from his head really hurt, he was fully dressed, and at least he was in his own bed, not a hospital or anything. It couldn’t have been anything too serious.

Although he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer, Kyo asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

It was a look he hated, one he’d seen too many times to count, a look like Kyo was fragile and small, like he couldn’t be left alone. It wasn’t how Die usually looked at him, not how he wanted Die to look at him, ever.

“Because I was… I know I’m not great with time, but you’ve been out for the past five hours,” Die said. “I don’t know if you’re sick, or—Kaoru won’t be happy, but if you’re not feeling well, I’m sure we can postpone the CM.”

“I’m just tired,” Kyo said. It must have finally caught up with him.

“I sent Toshiya home,” Die said. “But if you’re up, you might want to shoot him a text. He was pretty worried about you.”

Toshiya? Oh. _Oh_. That was why Kyo felt so shitty. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes as he remembered everything Toshiya had said to him, how he’d ended up breaking down.

Fuck. He hadn’t meant for Die to see him like that. No wonder he was giving him that look.

“Listen,” Kyo said, keeping his hands against his eyelids. “I don’t know what all Toshiya told you about what we were talking about…”

“He didn’t,” Die said. “It’s none of my business, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

It was hard to know what to say to that. In the grand scheme of things, Kyo supposed that he was pretty much okay. Maybe there had been a little panic attack back there, but he was no worse really than usual. But the way Die had been avoiding him hurt, and that was exacerbated by the fact that he deserved it. The way he’d been lying to everyone was making Kyo very much Not Okay, and that wasn’t something he got to complain about.

So he mustered up another lie, dropped his hands from his face, and told Die, “I’m really fine. I’ve just been tired.”

Die nodded. Maybe he believed it and maybe he didn’t, but he wasn’t arguing.

Kyo didn’t know if arguing would have been better. He hated the concerned little crease between Die’s eyebrows as he turned to leave the room, hated the memory of Die’s arms, strong and reassuring around him. It would have been better if Die had yelled at him, berated him, never forgiven him. At least it would have been clear where they stood, instead of this liminal space in which they were trapped, between caring for each other and hurting each other.

Die didn’t come to check on him again, and after sending off a message to Toshiya, Kyo eventually went back to dozing in his bed. If there was nothing he specifically _had_ to do before the shoot the next day, he wanted to be conscious for as little of the time as possible.

It was past two in the morning and Kyo was in a state of shallow, uneasy sleep when he was awoken by his text alert.

He rubbed at his eyes and dug his phone out from the tangle of blankets where it was buried, checking the time before opening the new message.

All it was was an address, but Kyo’s stomach folded in on itself reading it. Shinya had found Die’s girlfriend. The missing piece of their puzzle was finally right there in Kyo’s hand—but what hope did he have of getting in touch with her before tomorrow?


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is presumably my last update of 2019, I'm gonna get a little personal here (you can skip past this and just read the chapter, I won't be offended).  
This was a really awful year. For everyone, I think, with the children being kept in cages and the mass shootings and terrible politics, etc. For me, too. This year, I ended a relationship, I was surrounded by death all summer (two family members, someone I knew from work, and my next-door-neighbor/friend), and I quit the job I've had for the past four years because it was destroying my mental health. It's been a real struggle, and I'm thrilled to put it all behind me. But writing, sharing my writing with everyone here, has been so special, so helpful to me. I've made a point to write every single day this year, and have some estimated 200k+ words to show for it (I'm bad at keeping count). Your comments and kudos and support have meant the world to me, given me something to smile about even when everything sucked, and I am grateful.  
I wish everyone the very best in the New Year, and thank you for listening to my hundreds of thousands of words of nonsense. I appreciate every one of you, and I hope 2020 is better for all of us. <3

Honestly, Kyo really mulled over the idea of going to the address Shinya sent right when he got the text, just charging up to some stranger’s house in the middle of the night, but ultimately he had to decide against it.

The trains didn’t run that late, and he could have taken a taxi, but it would have been putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Showing up at that hour is rarely acceptable even in emergency situations, and while he trusted Shinya, there was no way to know for absolutely sure that the girlfriend would be there and be willing to help. He only had so many hours until they had to be at the shoot for the TV spot, and even if he didn’t care much about being late to it, he wasn’t willing to do anything that might hurt the other band members, when Kaoru could hardly keep his mouth shut for two seconds about what an Important Opportunity it was for them.

Still, he didn’t fall back asleep, because that just wasn’t going to happen. He spent the hours coming up with the best plan he could, which wasn't much. They would simply have to tell Gackt that they were missing that last ingredient, that they had only just managed to hunt her down. He would understand, and they would just have to go speak to her as soon as they had a chance. It would still be hard to conceal it all from Die the whole day, but if he could get to Gackt _first_, relay all the necessary information… It _might_ not all be botched.

They had to leave the apartment at some obscenely early hour, and Kyo wouldn’t deny that he was worried how Die would act around him after the events of the day before.

But to his surprise, Die struck up a conversation with him as they traveled, pointing out the full moon, still large and looming in the sky as they walked through the dark of the early morning.

“I used to have a book that talked about all these different names for the full moon,” Die said, “based on the month and everything. I think they were names given by, maybe, Native American tribes? It’s been a long time since I read it, but I was always interested in American stuff.”

Kyo looked up at it. The full moon and the days surrounding it were supposed to be the best for doing most types of magic, and originally he had hoped to have all the necessary materials to Gackt in time for him to perform the spell this month. He’d read a frankly embarrassing number of articles about when was the most effective time to work different magics, but he supposed now they might have to wait until next month.

“So, then,” Kyo said, welcoming the discussion, as it took his mind somewhat off the weight of the various ingredients crammed in his bag. “What’s this one called?”

Die considered it, then said, “This one’s the Worm Moon.”

Kyo looked at him in surprise. “Worm?”

“It probably has other names, too, but that’s the one I remember,” Die said. “It’s supposed to be the season when worms are coming out of the earth, symbolizes life returning after the winter, rebirth, all that.”

Kyo’s heart sank. That was the moon he needed. There was no way it was a coincidence. He wasn’t superstitious in general, but when it came to making sure this spell went right, he’d take all the extra help he could get. “What’s next month?”

Die made a face like he was struggling to remember. “Pink? It’s a flower thing, I think.”

Kyo grunted. That fucking sucked in comparison. The worm moon was the one that made sense and he’d gone and fucked up the timing.

“Were you interested in the moon growing up, too?” Die asked.

“Um, sure, I guess so,” Kyo said. “Moreso aliens. Which is more outer space in general than the _moon_.”

“Stayed up late watching for UFOs?” Die said with a smile.

“A few times,” Kyo admitted. “I came up with some theories, about why we haven’t encountered any aliens yet—For example, maybe they’re already here among us. Countless alien species, seamlessly integrated into out world without our even knowing it.”

“Hmm.” Die rubbed at his lower lip, thoughtfully. “Possible, but unlikely.”

“How would you know?” Kyo snapped.

“I don’t _know_,” Die said, “but I have a hard time believing that many species would _all_ unanimously and independently choose the stealth route when making contact with Earth. I think it’s more likely that the alien lifeforms are out there and just haven’t reached out to us, yet.”

Something about the serious consideration Die put into it made Kyo feel warm all over, made him want to pin Die down on the ground and kiss him until he ran out of air, but all he could do in context was hum and wobble his head from side to side like he wasn’t sure he agreed.

It took longer to get to the studio where the filming was to take place than most of the other places Kyo went, and he and Die had a while to entertain themselves. They shared a pair of earbuds between them, took turns playing their recommended songs for each other on YouTube on Kyo’s phone. Die’s somewhat dated selections showed he had good taste, but perhaps an obsessive adoration for the band D’erlanger, particularly their guitarist. He mumbled a few things about his playing and style, but Kyo could see the hearts in his eyes as he looked at the phone’s screen. For a minute he was wondering if he was barking up the wrong tree trying to find Die’s girlfriend; maybe he ought to try to reach Cipher instead.

When they finally arrived, Kyo didn’t have a chance to speak to Shinya, or to any of the other members, really. They were all herded into makeup and wardrobe without much time for niceties, and had to wait quietly as the director and his assistant went over the vision for the CM.

Kaoru and Toshiya asked a few questions for clarification, but Kyo was mostly tuning them out, his mind focused on counting down the hours until they met with Gackt.

In a way, that was the one positive thing about the insane amounts of stress Kyo was under: he was so preoccupied thinking about Gackt, about Die and his girlfriend, that he hardly paid any attention at all to the filming he had so been dreading.

It moved along without Kyo being aware of it, as he was dressed and styled, told where and how to stand, and props were placed in his hand and then removed again. It left him free to think about matters that he deemed much more important.

In fact, he really only tuned back into his surroundings when he realized the director was addressing him specifically.

“Kyo-san, could we get a _smile_ for the closeup?”

Fortunately the entire band rushed to answer for him, Kaoru even suggesting that a real smile from Kyo would go against their image.

“Maybe a kind of smirk instead?” Toshiya offered. “He can pull that smug asshole look off really well.”

Kyo snorted. “Thanks.”

“Just the look!” Toshiya said placatingly.

The director pursed his lips but accepted the compromise, and the other members smiled in their far more marketable manners. After that, there was a moment they wanted to capture of all the members up on a stage, as if they were performing, though they would add the audience later with special effects. It was quite a dramatic scene change for maybe a total of five minutes they spent actually filming the bit—long enough for them to play one song, although there was no guarantee any of the audio would be used in the final cut. Then the director was calling it a wrap, and Kaoru and Toshiya were handing their instruments back off to the on-site technicians to put away.

“That’s it?” Kyo said to Shinya, disbelieving.

“What, you wanted it to go on longer?”

“No, geez,” Kyo said. He was glad it was over, but the whole thing seemed a bit ridiculous. How could it have been worth the trouble?

But everyone applauded and bowed and thanked one another, and there were small bouquets of flowers waiting for the band when they returned to the dressing area.

From there, a driver was waiting to take them as a group to a location on the same lot, where Gackt’s variety program was filmed. They had about two hours to get ready.

“I never thought about them filming this stuff in the middle of the day,” Kaoru mused as they filed into another dressing room. “I guess there’s no real reason why they would need to shoot it at night.”

“It’s probably more convenient to do in the daytime,” Shinya agreed.

“Funny to think we’re gonna be part of that studio audience, after seeing the show on TV all these years,” Die said, but he didn’t sound all that amused.

Despite how friendly he’d been with Kyo on their way to the studio, Die hadn’t been talking to him much since they’d gotten there, and Kyo sort of suspected he was still annoyed that they were in league with Gackt at all. He could only imagine how much more upset he would be if he learned the truth of the arrangement.

The styling for Gackt’s show was much simpler than what they’d had for the TV spot, and it wasn’t long before they were nearly done, with nothing left to look forward to but waiting for filming to start.

A crew member had already come to take Toshiya away and get him settled in with the show’s other actual guests. Kyo was the last one still getting his hair worked on, and he sat stoically in his chair in front of the mirror, trying to remain calm even in this incredibly precarious situation. His ears were open, listening for any mention that Gackt himself was on-set, so that Kyo could have a chance to speak to him before anyone else did. Everything was so time-sensitive that it was probably hopeless, but he hadn’t given up yet.

“Hmmm,” the stylist said behind him, and Kyo glanced at her in the mirror. “Just this part in the front is a little bit long. Do you mind if I trim it so we can see your face better?” She held up a small pair of haircutting scissors from the pocket of her apron.

Kyo shrugged. “Go for it.” He wasn’t ever overly concerned with how his hair looked. He liked to play and experiment with it himself after all, so any change she made wouldn’t be very lasting.

She snipped away, Kaoru went out for a smoke, and the room was quiet. Kyo slid back into his thoughts. Even if he managed to speak to Gackt before the whole plan was blown, there wasn’t a high chance that they could salvage things, and Kyo wasn’t sure he couldn’t handle much more of the tension created by hiding it from Die anyway. He wanted more time like they’d had that morning, sharing things, comfortable, the way it had been from the time he met Die months ago. 

His thoughts were interrupted as someone popped their head in the door, to tell the stylist, “Gackt-san is ready as soon as you’re available.”

Kyo nearly got a face full of scissors as he whipped his head around, fixing his gaze on the wide-eyed assistant in the doorway. “Gackt is here?” he demanded.

“Er, yes,” the assistant said, clearly ruffled by Kyo’s tone. “He’s in his dressing room at the moment, but he’ll probably want to speak with your band before filming begins.”

“I want to speak with him _now_,” Kyo said, already standing up from his seat.

“You can’t leave now,” the stylist squawked. “Your hair is all lopsided!”

“Asymmetrical is what I’m going for,” Kyo said. He snatched the scissors from her and dropped them on the counter. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

“Since when are you such a Gackt fanboy?” Die said from his corner of the room.

Kyo paused, turning to look at him. Die had been so quiet Kyo had nearly forgotten he was there; he hadn’t meant for Die to witness his urgency to see Gackt, and hadn’t been prepared for the obvious judgment in his face as he stared back.

“I just need to talk to him,” Kyo said. It was too late to say much to defend himself. He grabbed his bag and slipped out past the assistant, ignoring his half-formed protestations, and walked briskly down hallways until he found Gackt’s dressing room clear across the building.

He knocked twice and entered without waiting for a response, closing the door firmly behind him.

Gackt looked up from his phone in alarm, ready to scold whatever staff member had come barging in so rudely, but his expression changed as his eyes settled on Kyo.

“Well, well, well, to what do I owe the pleasure?” he said with that smile that kept Kyo from coming any closer.

“I have things for you,” Kyo said. He gestured with his bag, but didn’t move from his safe place near the door.

Gackt held out his hands, waited for Kyo to step jerkily forward and pass him the paper sack from within his messenger bag, containing all the remaining ingredients. He peered inside. “This everything?”

Kyo swallowed. “Almost.”

Gackt lifted his gaze to him. “Almost? That won’t cut it.”

“I know.”

“What are we missing?”

Kyo reached into his pocket, closed his fist around Die’s pick. “Just—the two items I told you before I was struggling with.”

“You still haven’t been able to come up with them?” Gackt let out an exasperated sigh. “I know it’s not easy, but it’s the terms of the spell—It won’t _work_ if we just leave it out.”

“I know,” Kyo said again. He knew the facts, even if he still couldn’t understand the reason behind it. Sure, part of him still wanted to argue, to demand what possible explanation there could be for requiring the property of a woman Die hadn’t spoken to in years. “It’s just—I have this, anyway.” He pulled out the pick and offered it to Gackt in his outstretched palm. “It’s Die’s.”

“Clearly,” Gackt said with an arched eyebrow. He took it gingerly from Kyo and turned it over in his hand. “And the other?”

“I haven’t managed to get it yet.”

“What’s the hold-up?”

“There just hasn’t been time. Die’s girlfriend—she was hard to locate, and now I’ve—we’ve got her address, but I haven’t had time to go.”

Gackt leaned back in his chair, pursing his lips. “So what are you asking me to do about it?”

“I just need a little more time.”

“I can’t change the phases of the moon, Kyo, my dear. Or, maybe I could, but it’s a little above my paygrade.” Gackt spread his hands. “Tonight is the full moon—you want me to wait until next month?”

“I don’t think we have a choice,” Kyo said. “Unless you could do it without the full moon.”

“I could, technically. Are you willing to risk the fact that the magic won’t be as strong at another time?”

Kyo growled. It was all such bullshit he couldn’t think how he’d gotten himself so deep in this mess to begin with.

“Do you have a supernatural response to a full moon as well?” Gackt asked, somewhat wary.

“Just tell me what to get,” Kyo said. “If I get the right item, it’ll be strong enough, right? So what do I need?”

“You know what you need, something from—”

“From Die’s _True Love_, I _know_,” Kyo said through bared teeth. “Like _what_? Anything? A paperclip, a sock, a contact lens—it doesn’t matter? All the same potency?”

“Oh, hmm.” Gackt frowned thoughtfully. He hesitated, then said, “I mean, organic is always best in these situations.”

Kyo’s nose wrinkled. “Organic?”

“Blood is traditional,” Gackt said, like he didn’t want to admit it. “But not the only option—a lock of hair is also good.”

Kyo stared at him. How the hell was he supposed to convince some stranger to hand over her genetic material like that?

“If it’s not doable, another item will work fine,” Gackt went on. “It might not have the same energy, but—particularly an item of some sentimental value will do the trick all right.” He gestured to the guitar pick. “This should be perfectly acceptable, since I know it’s more difficult to obtain possessions from someone who’s been dead a while.”

“Right,” Kyo said, feeling distinctly discouraged. “I’ll work on it.”

“I’ll be here whenever you’re ready,” Gackt said with a shrug. “Just remember that tonight would be an especially auspicious night to perform the spell, if at all possible.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

“And I’ll get everything prepared, just in case,” Gackt said.

Kyo muttered his thanks and turned, his hand on the doorknob when Gackt’s voice stopped him.

“I am so looking forward to having you on the show tonight. As my guest would have been preferable, but even in my audience… I hope you’ll enjoy watching.”

That was pretty fucking ominous, but Kyo just nodded and let himself out of the dressing room.

He moved sluggishly back through the halls. It hadn’t been a complete loss; Gackt was willing (if not eager) to perform the spell at a slightly later date, and perhaps since he knew they were in the process of obtaining the last ingredient, he wouldn’t _need_ to say much about it to Die himself.

That last ingredient, though… Surely an item of high sentimental value would be more difficult to get Die’s girlfriend to contribute, and that was with the assumption that she even believed their promises to bring Die back, that she didn’t slam the door in Kyo’s face without hearing him out. He knew he had to try, but he was starting to feel like he’d already failed.

When Kyo reached the dressing room the band was using, the only member in there was Shinya, and Kyo was relieved to get a moment alone with him. He was allowed to show his true face to Shinya more than to anyone else lately.

He collapsed heavily in a chair beside him.

“Feeling all right?” Shinya asked.

Kyo shook his head. “I’m just so fucking done. Why did you let me get into this?”

“Hmm.” Shinya looked in the mirror, smoothed his hair down. “I’m not sure any of us could have stopped you once you got it into your head. I take it you went and had a word with Gackt?”

Kyo grunted. “Not encouraging.”

“And still nothing from the girlfriend?”

“How could I have gotten anything from her?” Kyo said. “You only sent me the address in the middle of the night.”

“I sent it as soon as I got it,” Shinya said.

Kyo really looked at him, and could see the faint signs that it was all getting to Shinya, too. He looked _tired_, though it was covered by makeup and poise. Shinya had probably slept as poorly as Kyo himself, he just hid his discomfort well.

“Thank you,” Kyo said. “For getting the address, for everything. You’ve been invaluable, as always.”

“As always,” Shinya agreed. He paused, then, “It’s not too late?”

“No,” Kyo said. “Gackt can do the spell whenever we’re ready.” He didn’t add that the late timing meant the chance of success went down. He didn’t say that they basically needed Die’s girlfriend to offer up a DNA sample. He just tried to give Shinya a reassuring smile. “We have time.”

A voice on the intercom announced that the studio audience would be ushered in in thirty minutes, and directed anyone who would be wearing a wireless mic to go do a final soundcheck.

“Guess it’s almost time to get this over with,” Kyo said. He looked around. “Where are the others?”

“Kaoru went out to smoke a while ago,” Shinya said. “I’m not sure where Die wandered off to.” 

“What?” Kyo tried to quickly tamp down on the panic stirring in him. “You didn’t see where he went?”

“Not particularly,” Shinya said. “He just went to walk around a bit.”

“How long ago was that?” Kyo wanted to remain calm, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility that Die had been left unattended, and gone to the other realm. Kyo wouldn’t be able to call him back without the pick he’d given to Gackt. Maybe he should have kept it until the last minute; suppose now he needed it to reach Die in an emergency, and Gackt had already added it to whatever concoction he was cooking up?

“I’m going to go look for him,” Kyo said, heedless of whatever answer Shinya had given to his previous question. “I’ll see you in the audience or whatever.”

“Kyo, I don’t think you need to be that worried—”

Kyo was already halfway out the door and couldn’t be bothered with Shinya’s platitudes. There was too much else for him to worry about without losing Die on top of it all.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome back! I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years!  
This story is finally winding down! Well, we're getting there, I mean. Love~

Kyo still wasn’t panicking. If it came down to it, he would simply have to go back to Gackt and demand that he return the guitar pick. If it wasn’t too late. Actually, maybe he should have just done that anyway.

He’d been up and down the halls, peeking in every unlocked room he passed, to no avail. Maybe Die didn’t want to be found. Or maybe he’d faded out without even meaning to.

Kyo made for the back door; there was always the chance that Kaoru had a better idea than Shinya which way Die had gone.

But to his immense surprise and relief, Kyo found as he stepped outside, that Die was standing right there with Kaoru.

Kyo took in a deep breath, like he was coming out of the water for air. “Die, Kao, there you are. Shit, I was looking all over for you.”

Neither of them spoke, but stayed standing still and serious. They didn’t even seem to acknowledge that Kyo had said anything.

“Um,” Kyo said, unsure how to respond to the uncomfortable atmosphere. “I think they want us in there, kinda soon.”

Die finally turned and gave Kyo an impassive look, his arms folded loosely over his chest.

“I… What’s going on?” Kyo asked, his voice shrinking by the word. He looked to Kaoru, who was scowling, smoke curling around him. “Kao?”

Kaoru grunted, a derisive sound, and Die just shook his head once before backing up and heading into the building.

“I—wait, Die—what—” Kyo’s heart was chasing after Die, but something told him it was a bad idea to leave Kaoru here like this, so he faced him with as much steadiness as he could. “What happened?”

Kaoru flicked some ash off his cigarette. “You lied.”

The world tilted awkwardly. “What do you mean?” Kyo said.

“_You_. Lied.” Kaoru still didn’t look at him. “To me, to _Die_, to everyone. Lied right to our fucking faces, and let us think—”

“You told Die,” Kyo choked, unable to focus beyond that.

Kaoru’s eyes narrowed at him. “That’s what you’re concerned about?”

“I’m _sorry_,” Kyo said earnestly. “But you must understand _why_ I—”

“I don’t _give_ a fuck what your excuse is for lying,” Kaoru snarled. “I _believed_ you. I told you from the beginning that I didn’t trust Gackt, and you convinced me, for _Die’s sake_—”

“It _was_ for Die’s sake,” Kyo said. “You heard how unreasonable he was about the whole thing—I just wanted to give him the _option_, I figured if we could—”

“You should have left the rest of us out of it.”

“I… I needed your help,” Kyo said weakly.

“Then you should have been honest with us,” Kaoru said. “How the hell am I supposed to believe anything you say?”

“There were circumstances,” Kyo said. “I thought… It’s not as big a deal as you’re making it out to be.”

“It is, to me,” Kaoru said. “Or have you forgotten the last time you lied to all of us about something?”

Kyo stopped dead, and then a half-hysterical laugh hiccuped out of him. “That—_That’s_ what this is about? That’s why you’re pissed?”

“What am I supposed to think?”

“Jesus Christ, it always comes back to that shit with you guys.” Kyo tugged restlessly at his recently-styled hair. “This isn’t _like_ that.”

“How would I know what it’s like?” Kaoru said. “I didn’t see it coming last time, either, you know, I trusted you then, too.”

“It’s not about you,” Kyo said in a strained voice. “It’s not like it was then—I don’t see why you can’t leave it in the _past_.”

“Because it _scares_ me!” Kaoru threw his cigarette down on the ground and stared at it for a long moment, his jaw working. “You have no idea what it was like—_I’m_ the person Toshiya called, fucking terrified when he first found you. It’s not the past for me. _I _have to live with that memory, not knowing if you were gonna make it, wondering what the fuck I _missed_. That shit doesn’t go away, Kyo.”

Kyo closed his eyes. “I’m not gonna do that again.”

“It’s not like you announced you were gonna do it that time,” Kaoru countered. “All I have to go on is patterns. You starting to lie, not just to me, I know it’s not about _me_, but to everyone?”

Kyo opened his eyes when Kaoru didn’t continue, but Kaoru was still just frowning at nothing. It felt wrong to try and cut in with his own words, so Kyo just waited.

“I can’t lose you like that,” Kaoru said finally. “I’d never forgive myself.”

“I’m sorry,” Kyo said again. He didn’t want to worry his friends like that, and was disturbed to have had two of them express such concern for him in as many days—and that wasn’t even counting Die, whom he was sure was freaked the hell out as well, and just hadn’t put it into words like the others. Maybe he wasn’t doing as great a job as keeping it together as he’d hoped he was. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he told Kaoru.

“Why couldn’t you tell us the truth?” Kaoru asked. “I know we don’t always—we’ve had our disagreements in the past, but…”

“There was too much at stake,” Kyo said. “You don’t want to lose me, but the thought of losing _Die_ makes me…” He swallowed, tried again. “I’ve never met anyone like him, anyone who makes me feel like I could be worth something, like I want to see tomorrow, and the next day, and I want to see it all with him.”

Kaoru paused, a familiar _processing_ look on his face. At length, he said, “You’re in love with him.”

It wasn’t a question, so Kyo didn’t answer.

“I’m slow on this uptake, aren’t I?” Kaoru said. He rubbed his chin. “All right, I can understand that. Doesn’t mean I’m not still pissed.”

“I can understand that, too,” Kyo said.

“Oh, hmm.” Kaoru grimaced. “And Die… is also pretty angry. So you might have thought that one through better. Lying to someone you love is rarely the correct course of action.”

“Thanks for that bit of wisdom.”

Kaoru looked towards the door. “They need us inside soon?”

Kyo nodded. “They’re letting in the studio audience, and I think Gackt wanted to speak to all of us before the show starts.”

“Gackt,” Kaoru said disapprovingly. “Did _he_ know the truth?”

“No, definitely not,” Kyo said. “And I—Could you please not tell him? I don’t want him to change his mind about performing the spell…”

Kaoru’s eyebrows crawled up his forehead. “You’re still thinking you’re going to go through with it?”

“I mean,” Kyo said awkwardly, “almost everything is already in place…”

Kaoru shook his head. “I can’t keep Die from saying something though.”

Kyo accepted that, and the two of them went inside. And maybe Kyo was being crazy thinking the spell was still going to happen at this point, but he wasn’t ready to let go of it yet. After working on it so hard and so long, letting it go unfinished without a fight wasn’t really an option for his psyche.

The rest of the band was waiting when they got inside, and Gackt was standing beside Toshiya, wearing a well-tailored suit and smiling like he was some kind of king, looking down on his subjects.

“I couldn’t be happier, having you all join me today, in support of your charming bandmate, Toshiya,” Gackt said. “I know some of you had your doubts about agreeing to be here, but I hope that’s behind us now. We all get something out of this, and hopefully we can have some fun, too.”

Kyo didn’t anticipate much in the way of fun, especially not with the way Die was so pointedly refusing to look at him.

They were whisked away to sit in the front of the audience and wait for the show to begin, and Kyo was sure to squeeze himself in so he could sit beside Die. He knew he deserved his anger, but he’d rather they worked it out as soon as possible.

“I understand you’re upset,” Kyo began, although Die showed no sign of hearing him. “It… It was never my intention to do something that would hurt you. I… don’t know what exactly what was said between you and Kaoru, but I’m hoping we can talk about—well, whatever needs to be said.”

Die ignored him as if he were no more than a gentle breeze.

Shinya, on the other hand, nudged Kyo’s other side, and hissed, “What did you do to him? Don’t tell me he found out.”

Kyo winced, whispered back, “He found out.”

“How did you let that happen??”

“I don’t have any control over Kaoru,” Kyo said helplessly.

Shinya’s eyes were round and his expression was grave. “This is bad.”

“Ya think?” Kyo grumbled, and then they were shushed loudly by a staff member, and the signal came for the audience to applaud. The show was starting and Die was going to keep pretending Kyo didn’t exist. Somehow Kyo hadn’t been prepared for how much that would hurt.

He’d expected Die to be angry when the truth came out, but he had hoped to have more control over the circumstances. He couldn’t handle just being shut out without warning. It should have ben easy to regret all the actions that had brought him to such a state, and yet as he sat there, he was still thinking about the spell, about Miyuki the girlfriend, about what needed to be done.

Kyo didn’t notice anything that was happening on the set before him until Toshiya finally came out, to the overpowering cheers of the girls in the audience behind them. Kyo looked over his shoulder in surprise, and the camera caught the action, eliciting a laugh from the crowd that Kyo would have been embarrassed by had he been a little more tuned in to what was going on.

Toshiya really looked more at home standing up there than anyone expected, tall and handsome, with a sort of coy smile on his face as he was introduced. In a strange way, Kyo felt proud of him, coming into his own like this. After all, this would be broadcast nationwide, and he couldn’t deny that it was fantastic publicity.

Gackt started by asking Toshiya a few questions about himself and the band, giving him a chance to promote upcoming lives or releases.

“What would you say your role is, in the group?” Gackt asked. “Outside of being the bassist. Are you the rebel, the peacemaker…?”

“Hmm.” Toshiya thought about it. “I’m more often a neutral party. Sometimes it feels like I’m the kid. Kyo and Kaoru are more likely to argue, Shinya draws them back from that, Die’s got an almost maternal vibe about him—”

“Maternal? I wouldn’t have expected that,” Gackt said. 

“No, I think most people wouldn’t,” Toshiya said. “But just his presence can be very… comforting. Reassuring.”

“How lovely,” Gackt said. “And since you brought him up, would you mind responding to a few of the rumors circulating, that Die has—How shall I put it?—some supernatural abilities or origins?”

“Oh, I think you’d do better to ask him that himself,” Toshiya demurred.

The cameras closed in on Die, but he remained stoic, one elegant eyebrow mysteriously arched.

“Ahh, I did think you’d say something like that,” Gackt said, still smiling. “You know, I’ve had some rumors of that nature spread about me, too. Maybe that means Die and I have a kind of kinship, don’t you think?”

“I could see that, yeah,” Toshiya said reasonably.

“I would love to have him as a guest on here sometime,” Gackt went on.

The studio audience responded enthusiastically, but when Kyo cast his gaze sideways to look at Die, he made no visible reaction.

“But you’re here with me, today, and it’s a pleasure to have you,” Gackt said, reining the attention back in towards Toshiya. Conspiratorially, he continued “So, tell me, is there anyone special on whom you’re hoping to use some of the tricks I teach you tonight? A lucky lady in Toshiya-san’s life?”

Toshiya rubbed his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “Hmm, I don’t know if I should say… Suppose she’s watching right now, she’ll realize where I learned all my charm.”

Gackt laughed heartily. “Not all of it! You might do well tonight, it seems like you’re starting with some natural talent here!”

He only asked a couple more standard questions, then thanked Toshiya, and sent him to sit with the other guests for the episode: two guys from up-and-coming bands that Kyo wasn’t familiar with, but that were considerably poppier than Genshitsuu aimed to be.

They took a break to change up the set for the next segment of the show, where the guests would start earning points, and Kyo leapt at the chance to once again try speaking to Die.

“You can’t ignore me forever,” Kyo said, leaning into Die’s space. “It doesn’t solve anything, and _yes_, okay, I deserve—whatever shit you wanna throw at me, but I want you to at least understand why I did it, because I thought you got it, but you—” 

He was cut off as a member of the hair and makeup crew came over and started touching up his foundation without so much as asking.

“I’m not even the one on the show!” Kyo protested, trying to shrink away from her attack.

“They’ll want closeups of you, though,” she said. “And what happened to your hair?” She picked at the uneven strands.

“I like it like that,” he said, and batted her hand away as politely as he could manage.

By the time she backed off, they were blinking a two-minute warning at the audience, preparing to resume filming.

“Die, come _on_,” Kyo pleaded. “You’re one of the only people I’ve always felt comfortable talking to, please don’t shut me out. What do you need me to—”

“I still haven’t even heard a fucking apology,” Die said, still staring straight ahead.

Kyo blinked, not expecting Die to speak so suddenly. “I… what?”

“You haven’t said you’re sorry,” Die said. He kept his arms folded over his chest, turned only his face towards Kyo. “You’re saying you want me to talk to you, but you’re not saying what I want to hear.”

Kyo bit down on the inside of his cheek. He wanted to say whatever Die needed, but it was more difficult than he would have anticipated.

“So say it,” Die said. “Tell me you regret it.” His eyes were sparking, _daring_ Kyo, and piercing straight through him.

Kyo’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lie to Die again by claiming to be sorry for what he’d done, when he still believed it had been his only choice. “I… I regret… that I had to lie to you…”

Die scoffed and turned away again, just as the studio audience was instructed to start applauding once more.

Kyo clenched his jaw. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He couldn’t force himself to regret and he couldn’t lie to Die’s face when he looked at him like that. He wanted to growl and kick things because no, he _wasn’t_ fucking sorry, he was trying to _help_ Die, and maybe it was for selfish reasons, but if he was faced with the same choice now, he’d still do it the same way, because he wasn’t willing to let Die fade away without putting up a fight.

He couldn’t focus on anything that happened in the next segment, all his mental energy going into keeping his body still and calm in front of so many people. He did breathing exercises and hoped he wasn’t attracting attention. He could only imagine the scolding he’d get from Kaoru and Takabayashi together if he ended up damaging their positive publicity from the show because some girls sitting behind him spread the word about his weird anger management issues. They wouldn’t take kindly to his defensive claims that there were extenuating circumstances.

He gathered his wits enough to applaud when it was Toshiya’s turn, though he didn’t really have any idea what he was supposed to be accomplishing; it was something with picking up an item the girl actor had dropped and returning it to her in a seductive manner.

Kyo shot glances at his bandmates to see their reactions to Toshiya’s attempt. Both Die and Shinya were looking sort of uncharacteristically serious, watching like lives hung in the balance, while Kaoru looked vaguely confused, and Kyo suspected he might be taking mental notes.

The guests received their scores for the first round, and Toshiya had lost points for his utter lack of subtlety, meaning he was in second place.

Watching Gackt there giving his guests feedback and making them look like fools, Kyo was reminded of when he and Die had first watched this show together, back when they were just trying to navigate their new situation as roommates of sorts, back before Kyo had become consumed with finding a way to bring Die back to life.

Did Die really want him to regret it? Of course, he’d said over and over that he wanted to remain a ghost, that it wasn’t a problem—but he’d also said he wanted _Kyo_. Did he honestly expect Kyo to ignore that confession, and to carry on with his life, never knowing if he could have had him?

Toshiya was performing the next task now, attempting to lean against a doorframe in the alluring way that Gackt had just modeled. It didn’t look quite the same on Toshiya; his face was too serious and his limbs were too long, but one of the other guests lost his balance and nearly fell over, so Toshiya ended up moving into first place.

They took another break to reset, but Kyo couldn’t find the words to speak to Die, and spent the quiet minutes staring at his hands folded in his lap. It was strange, existing in this limbo. He’d betrayed his friends, but they were trapped by social conventions, unable to take their anger out on him or to escape him. He’d most likely destroyed any hope of his spell succeeding, but rather than race cinematically across town for the missing ingredient, he was forced to sit there, waiting to just sit there some more. Nothing was able to progress naturally, frozen in time by this television program Kyo would never have even chosen to watch.

The last trick Toshiya and the other guests had to learn was how to catch a woman falling dramatically from a ladder, and swoop her automatically into the right position for a kiss. Gackt made it look easy, which really just raised the question of how the hell did he get into situations where he would need to perfect such a move?

One of the other guests was on the scrawny side, and Kyo found himself paying more attention as he feared for the actress’ safety should he fail to catch her. Another guest, whom Kyo had mentally dubbed “_Mr. Chicken Hair_”, seemed more intent on showing off than on protecting the actress from injury. They laid a soft mat down on the floor before any of the amateurs got a chance to try it themselves, which made it a little less exciting.

There was no contest; Toshiya’s performance was unquestionably the best. He’d been training so much Kyo supposed it had finally paid off, as he caught the girl with relative ease, and maneuvered her into position with flair, due to his natural showmanship. The actress was giggling by the time he set her upright.

As Toshiya was the clear winner, he got to sit by Gackt, laughing gaily as the other guests were punished by being dropped into an enormous bowl of jello. The budget for this show had to be impossible, Kyo thought.

After another break to clean up, Gackt said some final words, recommended that everyone watching check out Toshiya’s band, and that was a wrap. It felt like a waste of time, but at long last, the event Kyo had been dreading since first meeting Gackt was over.

Meaning time would unfreeze, and all the consequences of Kyo’s recent actions would finally be catching up with him.

They were led out separately from the rest of the audience to protect them from swarms of girls, and Kaoru headed straight out for another cigarette. Honestly, Kyo was tempted to join him, despite having given up the habit a few years ago, but in hopes of getting the right words out of his mouth this time, he returned to the dressing room with Die and Shinya.

Shinya gave them a wide berth, presumably expecting sparks to start flying once they got around to talking, and Kyo sat at his spot once more in front of the mirror, staring at himself. Die had steered clear of the mirrors, Kyo noticed, even going so far as to drape his cardigan over the one nearest him.

Wasn’t that enough of a reason for the spell to be worth it? To be able to get through a day without a painful visual reminder of his own death? Kyo wanted Die to be able to look in a mirror and see what Kyo saw when he looked at Die.

It was a bit cheesy, but this sentiment was still what Kyo was considering leading with, when Die surprised him by speaking first.

“So, with how long you’ve been plotting behind my back, I assume it’s ready by now.” He raised and dropped his shoulders, looked around pointedly. “Where is it, this magical remedy for my _condition_?”

The door swung open, and Gackt, in perfect answer to Die’s question started off without a second’s greeting or hesitation, “I haven’t stopped thinking about your problem since you told me,” he said. “It really will be more potent if we can do it tonight—What about going to see the girlfriend right now? I have the resources, I can have a car take you straight there.”

“Wait, wait, what girlfriend?” Die interrupted.

Gackt looked like he was just noticing him for the first time. “Your girlfriend.”

“I don’t—from when I was alive?” Die glared at Kyo. “_This_ is why you were asking me about her, I fucking knew it, knew you were up to something.”

Kyo threw up his hands. “It’s not like I _wanted_ to find her, I—”

“Didn’t have a choice, yeah, I’ve heard that one.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here,” Gackt said, gesturing between them.

Kyo ignored him. “It was one of the stupid ingredients for his spell”

Die made an incredulous noise. “The spell calls for—my girlfriend from over four years ago!?”

“I realize it seems archaic,” Gackt said, “but it’s the nature of magic to sometimes require something from one’s True Love—”

“_True Love?_”

“And we just haven’t gottenchance to pay her a visit,” Kyo rambled on, “although I don’t know if we can convince her to help anyway—Gackt says it works better with something of sentimental value—”

“Or something organic,” Gackt cut in.

“Just—Stop,” Die said, holding up his hand to silence them. “Stop everything you’re saying, right now.” He walked up to Kyo, looked down at him, eyes fiery and dark. “I cannot actually believe how stupid you are.”

Kyo opened his mouth to argue, to perhaps make some sarcastic remark about how sure, it was stupid for him to value Die’s life, but then Die was picking up the pair of scissors the stylist had left on the counter, and Kyo was being threatened with violence, so he shut up.

Except Die merely snipped the uneven section of Kyo’s hair off, and dropped the tuft into Gackt’s hand.

Kyo was slow to process what was happening. Gackt was staring at the lock of hair, and Kyo was, too, but he couldn’t understand it until Die spoke.

“Stick that in your damn magic potion.”


	28. Chapter 28

There was no point in Kyo continuing to argue.

Gackt had hustled out of the dressing room, intent on preparing the spell right away, but Kyo hadn’t moved from where he stood, half-coherent complaints struggling to make their way out of his mouth.

“But, your girlfriend… you never said… you mean…”

“I think he was perfectly clear,” Shinya said gently.

Kyo hadn’t really registered that he was still there, but he was grateful for it, since Shinya could probably explain to him the scene exactly as it had happened, rather than Kyo’s distorted perception of it.

Die meanwhile stood leaning against the makeup counter, wearing a smug sort of expression, and Kyo hated how much he liked the look on him.

“_But_,” Kyo said again, “you’re so fucking pissed at me. You wouldn’t speak to me, you didn’t want me to do the spell at all.”

“So?” Die said. “I was pissed at my cat every single day when I was alive. Didn’t mean I didn’t love him.”

Kyo wasn’t sure how he felt about being compared to Die’s pet, but found it didn’t actually bother him as much as he’d have hoped.

Anyway, he was more hung up on how the word _love_ had just left Die’s lips.

“Then you really—you meant that.”

“That I love you?” Die nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He looked down at his feet, bashful suddenly. “And I—That’s why I can’t really stay mad at you for what you did, either. I’m upset that you went behind my back, I’m hurt that you lied, but I know… I know you love me, too. I think, in your position, I’d have done the same thing—or, almost.”

Kyo was at a loss for what he was supposed to do next. He’d severed from reality somewhere, and didn’t know how to return to it, didn’t know that he _wanted_ to.

Kaoru coming into the dressing room helped to ground him a little, smelling like cigarette smoke and looking disapproving. He seemed, for once, to pick up quickly enough on the weirdness of the atmosphere he’d just entered, and wisely turned to Shinya for an explanation.

“Is Die not angry at him anymore? What’s going on here?”

“He’s still kind of angry, but now they’re in love,” Shinya said flatly.

Kaoru looked at Die for confirmation.

Die just shrugged. “I mean, that sort of sums it up, yeah.”

“Hmm.” Kaoru seemed troubled, but in time he nodded slowly. “Where’s Toshiya, is he missing this, too? At least it’s not just me.”

“Is he still with the other guests from the show?” Shinya said. “He’ll probably want to come back and be here at least for the spell and everything.”

“The spell,” Kaoru echoed. “It’s happening, then? Tonight?”

Shinya nodded. “Die gave Gackt the last ingredient and he left to finish preparing everything. I’m not sure how long that’s supposed to take, though.”

“One to two hours,” Kyo said, making himself jump at the sound of his own voice. He’d thought perhaps his brain had evaporated too fully to be able to process speech anymore, but that bit of knowledge regarding the spell was something he remembered from a much earlier conversation he’d had with Gackt, and it came out automatically.

“You have any idea where he’ll want to meet once it’s finished?” Kaoru said. “Are we supposed to just wait here in the dressing room, or…?”

“We may not have permission to do that,” Shinya said.

“Then where do we go?” Kaoru said. “Is there some place that’s more sacred, or more… auspicious or what have you?”

It wasn’t something Kyo had considered. It seemed like location probably ought to make a difference, but he didn’t know what was the most significant and appropriate place for this. Die’s gravesite? The spot where he’d died? Both of those seemed too gruesome to even suggest.

“We’ll have to ask Gackt,” he decided. “I’m sure he has an idea of some specific place to perform the spell.”

He grabbed up his belongings and charged out of the dressing room, somewhat amused when everyone else followed after him. He didn’t know exactly where he was going as he went through the halls in search of Gackt, but figured he’d start back at the dressing room where he’d found him earlier in the day.

On the way, they came upon Toshiya, looking tired but happy, more so when he ran into his bandmates.

“You’re all here!” he said, throwing an arm in a haphazard hug around Kyo, since he was at the front of the group. “I was afraid you’d all have gone without me! Where—where are we going?”

“Gotta talk to Gackt,” Kyo said, gently releasing himself from Toshiya’s embrace. “We got all the ingredients and we’re doing the spell tonight.”

Toshiya’s mouth dropped open. “Even from the ex-girlfriend?”

“Turned out we didn’t need that one,” Die said with a smirk.

“Holy shit, so this is really happening,” Toshiya said.

“Hard to believe, isn’t it?” Kaoru muttered.

“It shouldn’t be,” Shinya said. “We ought to know by now that anything Kyo sets his mind to is going to get done.”

“Right now, my mind is set to finding Gackt,” Kyo said quickly. He couldn’t stand a scene of them getting mushy on him in the middle of the hallway. He nodded for Toshiya to join them, and continued to the journey to Gackt’s private dressing room at the far end of the building.

What they found waiting for them there was a bit of a surprise: Gackt had changed into—Well, one would have to call it a _robe_, dark and nearly sweeping the floor as he moved around the space, adding pinches and sprinkles of various ingredients that Kyo vaguely remembered obtaining to a full-on fucking cauldron in the middle of the dressing room.

“Isn’t this a bit over the top?” Kaoru grumbled.

Kyo didn’t have an answer. He couldn’t honestly tell whether it was over the top or not, having no real basis for comparison.

Gackt however had also heard the comment, and grinned, spreading his arms wide. “I’m a performer, can you blame me? I live for the theatrical.”

“Is it more effective that way?” Shinya said curiously.

“Let’s say yes,” Gackt replied. “But it will still be another hour at least until it’s ready… Was there something I can help you with?”

“Did you want us to just wait here?” Kaoru asked. He sounded like he sure hoped that wasn’t what Gackt wanted.

“Oh, hmm.” Gackt looked thoughtful, and turned more to Die. “Where did you first appear? Not immediately after death, but to others?”

“Like, where did they first see me?” Die frowned. “Back at my—at Kyo’s apartment. It used to be mine, when I was living.”

“We’ll do it there, then,” Gackt said. “It must be somewhere with strong paranormal energy. I think it will be a positive environment for the ritual to take place—I assume Kyo doesn’t mind?”

Kyo shook his head, still feeling like everything was happening around him, out of his control. They’d all just head back to his apartment and try to raise the dead. Typical Saturday evening. Luckily he was on pretty good terms with his landlady.

“You can go ahead and I’ll meet you there,” Gackt said. “Clear a space so we can make the sacred circle on the floor, light some candles, probably you’ll want to open a few windows, secure anything especially breakable.” He looked the group over. “Maybe take a rest and eat a snack. We’ll want everyone at full strength for this. I’ll text you when I’m on my way.”

Kyo agreed, left Gackt with his address, and led the band back out into the hall.

Everyone stood silent for a moment until Toshiya said, “This is weird, right? I mean—a _cauldron_? Is he for real with that?”

“Maybe there are too many ingredients for a regular pot,” Shinya posited.

“Don’t try to find explanations for it,” Kaoru said. “Some people are just…”

“_Helping_ us,” Shinya reminded him. “Although, I do hope Die won’t have to _drink_ that concoction. It has human _hair_ in it.” After allowing himself a shudder, he looked to Kyo. “Should we all just head over to your place in one car?”

“Oh, um.” Kyo cast a sideways glance at Die, who may have been trying to appear neutral, but wasn’t disguising the furrow between his brows. Even after all this time, car rides still made him uncomfortable, and Kyo didn’t see any reason to put him through that. “Actually, Die and I will take the train. If you guys could stop somewhere and pick up candles? I’m not sure I have any at home. Then we can just reconvene back at the apartment.”

Shinya agreed easily, and Toshiya and Kaoru went off with him, bickering indistinctly about what type of candles Gackt meant for them to use.

“Thanks,” Die said, once it was just the two of them.

Kyo just shook his head. He looked at Die’s hand, hanging at his side, and found how badly he wanted to grasp it and not let go. Was he allowed to do that now, finally? Would Die still give him some sad, regretful look and pull away?

It was sort of disorienting to be left alone with Die now that everything was out in the open. Just that morning they’d made their journey to the CM shoot, wrapped in gauzy layers of deceit and distrust, and now that the truth of things had been revealed on both sides, Kyo was unsure how to act.

“Guess we’d better head back to your place,” Die said,

“I guess,” Kyo said. They only made it a few steps before he turned to Die again. “You know you don’t have to do it if you really don’t want to.”

Die raised his eyebrows. “Wasn’t this whole thing, like, your passion project?”

“Well that’s kind of my point,” Kyo said. “I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t being selfish in putting it all together. I wanted you alive, because _I_ want you alive. It hurts me that you’re not, it scares me to think how easily I could lose you forever. It doesn’t matter how much I try to act like it’s in your best interest; ultimately, I want to bring you back to life for my own personal gain of knowing you, alive.”

“I think it’s very big of you to admit that,” Die said. “But that’s pretty much why I changed my mind, too.” He put his hands in his pockets as they continued walking. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I’ve adapted to my existence as a ghost. I’ve come to terms with all that that entails, and I don’t feel like I’m really missing anything—except you changed that. I got to know you, and suddenly there was something I _wanted_ that I couldn’t have if I was dead. And for a long time, I tried to deny it, didn’t think I deserved another shot at anything, but… Seeing how much you wanted me, too, seeing you _love_ me…” He shrugged, a soft chuckle leaving him. “I dunno who the fuck I think I am, trying to fight that.”

“I always wanted it to be your choice, though,” Kyo said.

Die was smiling as he met his eyes. “I know. It is.”

They walked in silence until they reached the train station, not uncomfortable in the least.

Die spoke again when they went through the turnstiles, “Ahh, man, it’s gonna suck though, being alive again.” At Kyo’s questioning look, he went on, “Being a ghost is so _convenient_. Everything costs _money_ when you’re alive, and I’ll have to _eat _all the time, getting around will be more work…”

Kyo found himself laughing, even if he couldn’t tell whether or not it was supposed to be funny. “If these are your reasons for not living…”

“I know, I know, there’s other stuff that makes up for it, right?”

“I’m the wrong person to ask,” Kyo said, as they headed downstairs to the correct subway platform.

“No, but,” Die said, stepping closer and dropping his voice, “there are definitely somethings I’m looking forward to, about being alive. Having a flesh-and-blood body and all that.” He gave Kyo an unexpectedly hungry look, which went straight to Kyo’d dick, and then their train arrived.

It was no mystery what Die was hinting at, and Kyo didn’t even know how he was supposed to respond to that here in the middle of the subway, so he just didn’t say anything. Maybe words weren’t necessary anyway, as he stood there, close enough to Die on the train that, if he were alive, he would have been able to feel his body heat.

It wasn’t something Kyo let himself think about all that often, but suddenly it was within reach, _Die_ was within reach. It was all really happening, and he would get to be that close to Die and _feel_ that warmth, get to touch him, _kiss_ him.

That was a little too much for Kyo’s delicate mental state, and he reined himself in, intent on getting home with some of his higher brain functions still intact.

He still didn’t know what to say to Die when they got off the last train and started walking back from the station. He could hardly make some funny conversation about how ridiculous Gackt’s show had been, or about the TV spot earlier in the day, when other, more important things had happened since then and were obviously more prominent in everyone’s minds.

Die had to have been on a similar train of thought because he asked, all of a sudden, “Are we okay to, like—Can we talk?”

“What do you want to talk about?” Kyo replied nervously. He wasn’t sure he was ready for a discussion about plans for the future or what he wanted to happen between them.

“Normal stuff,” Die said. “I just feel like I’ve been holding in my comments on that other guest star’s hair so long I’ll have an ulcer when I come back to life.”

Kyo covered his mouth with his hand. “Oh my _god_, you mean the one with the rooster hair?”

“So I wasn’t the only one thinking it!”

“On the bright side, I was kept busy looking at his hair, instead of thinking about how he was going to drop the girl on her ass.”

“It wasn’t the other guy’s fault he had no muscle mass,” Die said. “I actually he thought he was kind of cute in that mass-produced sort of way.”

“Not my type,” Kyo said, his nose wrinkling.

“Well, no, I wouldn’t think he would be.”

They’d reached the apartment building, and spent a moment paused outside before climbing the stairs.

Kyo looked at Die, the absence of wind in his hair, falling around his face as if each strand were perfectly arranged. “What happens now?”

“Now, we go upstairs,” Die said. “Whatever happens is going to, whether or not we talk about it, so. Let’s just find out together.”

It wasn’t long until the rest of the band arrived, arms loaded up with four varieties of candle. Die and Kyo had barely had time to do more than move some furniture around to make space for Gackt’s magic circle or whatever he’d called it.

“Gee, I wish I’d had more time to tidy,” Kyo joked. Well, half-joked. He truly hadn’t had so much company over in all the time he’d been living there, and while the apartment wasn’t trashed or anything, he still regretted not having the chance to at least clean the bathroom.

“I can’t believe this is the first time we’re all being invited to Kyo’s place, after he’s lived here this long,” Toshiya mused as they came into the space, making the already-small apartment feel more crowded with so many bodies. “I don’t mean I _actually_ can’t believe it, because of course it’s not really surprising, but that the reason we’re all here is, like, necromancy is slightly unexpected.” 

Kaoru made a small noise of disagreement.

“I said ‘_slightly_’.”

“I think it’s nice,” Shinya commented. “What with how we all worry about you from time to time, it’s nice to see that you have a kitchen and a bed, aren’t living in hermit-style clutter and chaos.”

“Clutter and chaos, sounds like a good album title,” Kaoru said.

“But not a great lifestyle,” Shinya said. “Where would you like us to put all of these?”

They were all still holding about a dozen candles each, in an assortment of sizes, and Die gestured to where they'd cleared the furniture away. While Kyo went about cracking some windows and fiddling around to temporarily disable his smoke detector, the others went ahead and arranged _all _the candles in a good-sized circle on the floor, and began lighting them with Kaoru’s lighter.

"Gackt texted, he's leaving now," Shinya said, tapping away on his phone.

“He’ll probably be here soon, then” Die said, checking the clock. His voice betrayed just a bit more of his nerves than his indifferent facial expression.

“Should I put on some mood music?” Toshiya pulled out his phone.

“What’s the _mood_ for getting brought back from the dead?”

“Don’t say Michael Jackson,” Kaoru warned.

Kyo let them work that out, his eyes wandering over his group of bandmates—_friends_. Shinya was on his own phone, the rest of them squabbling endearingly over playlist construction, and for a minute Kyo thought he himself wasn’t really there. Maybe he had slipped through some looking-glass or entered some dream just to the left of reality, able to look at his loved ones without his direct presence factoring into the observation.

At the same time, he was aware that his presence _did_ factor into it. They were all gathered there, in _Kyo’s_ home, preparing for a spell that _he_ had planned and for which _he_ had made all the arrangements. They wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for him. 

The tangibility of his worth and his place in the world left Kyo short of breath. He’d never seen it quite so vividly before, and it was such a sudden realization that it knocked him out of his dissociative state and left him standing, as he was, on the kitchen floor that he hadn’t had time to sweep, his friends talking around him.

Just then, though, Shinya, Toshiya, and Kaoru headed out to the balcony, only their voices drifting back into the apartment. Kyo wasn’t sure what had drawn them outside until he found Die standing beside him, watching him with a vague curiosity.

“I thought you might be getting kind of overwhelmed with everyone in here,” Die said. “So I suggested they get some air for a second.” His head tilted slowly. “How are you feeling?”

It seemed wrong for Die to be the one asking _Kyo_ that, when _Die_ was the one about to be resurrected, and yet Kyo knew, in a way, he had more riding on this than Die did, and his checking in only showed that Die knew that, too.

Kyo’s gaze returned to the rest of the band outside. “That’s where I first saw you, you know. Sitting on the railing out there, playing your guitar.”

“I used to do that a lot,” Die said. “I still do sometimes, when you’re not home. Not sure it’ll be as appealing though, if I’m alive, and could fall.”

“Just tie your leg to the railing or something, in case you lose your balance.”

“Yeah, right, you come home to just find me dangling, waiting to be pulled back to safety.”

Kyo laughed at the mental image, but his heart skipped a beat at the implication that Die would continue to stay in his apartment, even after coming back to life.

Die didn’t say anything about that detail, and Kyo didn’t call his attention to it, in case he retracted that part of his comment. They stood in silence for a minute, until Kyo felt sparks skimming along his arm.

“Kyo,” Die said, and paused until he had his full attention. “You know, there’s still a chance it might not work, right?”

Kyo swallowed. “I know.”

“Or it might not work the way you’re imagining, there could be side effects.” Die sighed. “I just don’t want you to have… to get your hopes up.”

“I won’t,” Kyo said. “I know that… magic is unpredictable, blah blah blah, but that’s why it has to be your choice. If you want to take the risk or not, that it might not work out perfectly.”

“I’m prepared for that,” Die said. He reached out towards Kyo again, brushed his choppy bangs back from his face. “I want to touch you.”

“You can,” Kyo said. He turned his face towards Die’s hand in invitation, shivering at the shock it sent though him.

“Not the way I want to,” Die said, frowning. His eyes flicked to Kyo’s hair again and he smirked. “I like your new haircut by the way.”

“Shut up,” Kyo said, ruffling his bangs up again, self-consciously.

He didn’t actually want him to shut up, though. Die’s voice was kind and reassuring, and when they were talking Kyo didn’t have time to think about what he would do if the spell didn’t work. Which, that just wasn’t something he could stand to consider at this point.

The rest of the band came back inside when they heard a knock at the front door, and Gackt was there, with a folder of paperwork he’d prepared for Die, and the contents of his cauldron safe in a large, airtight tupperware container.

The folder was set off to the side for them to deal with later, and Gackt laid the tupperware in the middle of the sacred circle, and pried off the lid.

“All right, I admit,” Kaoru said, “it does lose some effect without the cauldron.”

“Glad that you’ve come round to my way of thinking,”Gackt said. “Now we’ll just have to get you to be on my show,” he added with a wink.

As everyone gathered uneasily around him, Gackt dug in his bag for the rest of his supplies, and looked around at what they’d set up so far.

“I see you went all out with the candles. No, that’s good, it never hurts to have a few extra. I like the scented ones, that’s nice.” He gestured to Die. “You feel ready to get this started? Is that what you’re wearing?”

Die looked down at himself. “What’s wrong with this?”

“Well, not to be rude, but is it real clothing?” Gackt asked. “Remember, once you’re fully corporeal, you might find yourself somewhat… underdressed.”

“I’ll help him find something,” Shinya offered, and for some reason, Kyo didn’t contest the two of them going to his room to look for some clothing that would fit Die.

He was too busy waiting for Gackt to tell them what they needed to do. When it seemed like Gackt wasn’t going to be very forthcoming, Kyo cleared his throat. “Is there anything I can do to help? How much involvement are we going to have in whatever this is?”

Gackt glanced at him in surprise. “The ritual? It’s completely centered around you, of course. Besides Die, there are four of you.”

Four, again. 

“What does that mean?” Kaoru said.

“It means I hope you did as I said and ate a granola bar or something,” Gackt said with a sigh. “We’re going to be channeling your combined life force into Die.”

“We’re doing _what_?” Toshiya didn’t disguise his fear at all.

“Not _all_ of it,” Gackt said. “You’ll probably hardly notice the drain, outside of being low-energy for a while, after we’re finished, but the four of you are close to him. You’re the ones who wanted this for him, and I figured you wouldn’t mind giving a little to bring him back.”

It was too late for anyone to really complain about it now, and even though it was pretty shady for him to not have been upfront about this detail, Kyo found he was sort of grateful that Gackt hadn’t left anyone more of a chance to back out. 

“What did we miss?” Shinya asked as he returned with Die, wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of Kyo’s sweatpants (several centimeters too short for him).

“Nothing, just Gackt is planning on draining our life force with his _ritual_,” Kaoru said.

“Oh, if that’s all.”

From there, things happened in a literal blur. Gackt had Die stand in the middle, next to the tupperware container, and positioned everyone else around him. The lights were turned off, and everything started before Kyo had much time to consider that it had begun.

Gackt was chanting, but Kyo wasn’t tuned into the words at all, or even whether they were in a language remotely familiar to him. He was frozen, staring at Die where he stood in the center of them, candlelight casting unusually sharp shadows on his face. He was holding a cup Gackt had handed to him, which looked like it was carved out of some kind of bone, his eyes were closed, and there was a deep furrow between his brows, though Kyo couldn’t tell if he was in pain or just concentrating. Either way, it made him want to leave his position so he could be closer to him.

A wind had started blowing around them, with no apparent source. Kyo felt a subtle pain in his chest and throughout his body, like a burning in his veins, but still he didn’t dare move. The liquid in the tupperware was bubbling menacingly, the air was filled with that same electricity Kyo had come to associate with Die’s touch, sparks were flying—and through it all, Kyo kept his gaze locked on Die. Everything else was background chaos; sounds and smells and completely meaningless.

Die’s eyes opened, and he glanced towards Gackt, then knelt and filled his cup from the potion. He stood again and drained the cup without hesitation, red smoke billowing around him as he did so.

Kyo stayed rooted to the spot, even as the floor began to shake with a steadying rhythm, and Gackt was still speaking, practically shouting now. A slow trickle of blood started from Die’s nose as soon as he lowered his cup.

Tense though he already was, Kyo tensed up even more, seeing Die unsteady on his feet. What they were doing was _hurting_ Die, but even if Kyo wanted it to stop, they couldn’t turn back at this point. The smoke rose and spread, obscuring Kyo’s vision, and then there was a _thud_, and everything stopped.

All the candles went out at once, and all was still and silent.

With a soft clink, Kaoru’s lighter opened. He flicked it on and used it to light first his own candle, then Kyo’s.

The smoke was still clearing, and Kyo blinked, readjusting to the low light. He couldn’t see Die. He stepped forward, and too much air and smoke tried simultaneously to fill his lungs and he couldn’t breathe, but then, as the other members re-lit their candles, too, he finally made out the shape of Die, collapsed on the floor.

“_Die_,” Kyo whispered. He retained just enough cognizance to thrust his candle into Kaoru’s hands rather than toss it carelessly to the floor, and then he was there, kneeling beside Die, grasping his hand. “What did you _do_ to him?” he demanded, looking over his shoulder at Gackt.

“He’s back,” Gackt said. “_Die_ is now _live_.”

“You hurt him,” Kyo said, but he realized he’d never seen Die like this before. Die couldn’t sleep, was never unconscious, but here he was knocked out. Without thinking about it, he laid two fingers against Die’s wrist to check for a pulse.

There was one.

Holy shit.

Kyo choked out a breath and put his palm flat over Die’s chest, just to feel the steady th-thump of his heart, a rhythm that he recognized from the shaking of the floor a few minutes earlier.

“Kyo…?” Shinya’s voice was timid, prompting him.

“He’s alive,” Kyo said, around a lump in this throat. “He’s… He’s here.”

“Is he all right?” Toshiya asked.

“Yes, but… Well,” Gackt said. “Now might be a good time to remind you, he’ll probably have some side effects.”

“What kind of side effects?”

“And what was that nosebleed about?” Kaoru said. “Is he going to have suffered some type of brain injury?”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Gackt said. “It was merely the result of trying to force his consciousness back into a body—or to essentially form a new body _around_ his soul. You’ve gotta expect a little bit of bloodshed for that.”

Kaoru grunted. “Then what side effects are we talking about?”

“He’s been dead for a while,” Gackt said, as close to sheepish as someone like him got. “He’s tethered now to this realm, and he shouldn’t have trouble remaining corporeal, but there could be some… aspects of his ghost characteristics that carry over. I can’t say for sure what, but I don’t want you to say I didn’t warn you.”

“It’s done though,” Toshiya said, sounding uncertain. “Not temporary or anything.”

“The ritual is complete,” Gackt confirmed. “And Die’s life should last… as long as he lives.”

No one spoke for a minute, then Kyo registered the quiet shuffling as the rest of the band started to clean up the mess the spell had left.

Kyo didn’t move, and no one asked him to. He sat beside Die, touching him, feeling the impossible warmth of him that made it seem so much like a dream. He was afraid to force him to wake up, and just watched the rise and fall of Die’s belly as he breathed.

A light went on in the kitchen, and distantly Kyo heard Shinya say something to the others about putting on some rice. A muted part of Kyo’s brain said that _he_ should be the one in the kitchen. It had been a long day, and he was the host, so he should have been providing for the whole group, but there were louder voices, too, keeping him from leaving Die’s side.

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there when at last, Die stirred, his hand twitching in Kyo’s grasp.

“Die?” Kyo said, squeezing back. All other sound in the apartment shut off.

And Die’s eyes slowly blinked open. He smiled the instant he brought Kyo into focus. “Did it work?”

Kyo laughed brokenly. “It worked. You’re flesh and blood. Here.” He turned Die’s hand to rest on his chest so he could feel his own heartbeat. “See?”

Die closed his eyes, feeling it for a few seconds before he pulled hard on Kyo’s hand and kissed him without another word.

Kyo returned the kiss, entranced by how Die felt against him, warm and real and still crackling with some faint electricity. He tasted kind of like whatever the fuck nastiness had been in that potion, but Kyo couldn’t have cared less.

Die pressed his lips to Kyo’s again and again, until it was less of a kiss and more just the two of them laughing against one another’s mouths.

Kyo nuzzled Die’s cheek, damp with tears that might have come from either of them, and they were finally interrupted by Gackt’s polite cough.

"I believe my work here is done,” he said.

Kyo turned to look at him. “Gackt,” he said, “I… Thank you. You really did it. How… How can I ever repay you?”

Gackt smiled then, a real smile, not the one he used for the cameras. “I’ve already received my payment. I’m happy to have been able to do this for all of you. I assume you’ll have more important things to do tonight, but when you’re ready, everything Die should need is in that folder I brought; ID card, Family Register, everything. If there are any problems, you know how to reach me. Don’t hesitate to call me for anything in the future, I mean that.”

Die nodded. “I’ll go through it in the morning. And… sorry for not trusting you.”

“It’s part of my well-earned reputation, and I accept that,” Gackt said, and bowed.

Kaoru walked him to the door, and Toshiya came to crouch by Kyo and Die.

“I think the rest of us might take off in a minute, too.”

Kyo couldn’t find the words he wanted to express everything inside him. “You don’t know what it’s meant to me. I can never thank you enough—all of you. Even after I lied and fucked things up so much, you were all here to support me.”

“To support both of you,” Toshiya said. A small frown crossed his face. “What did you lie about?”

Die stifled a snort.

“Uh,” Kyo said, his cheeks heating up. “I think you can ask Shinya about that one.”

Toshiya still seemed puzzled, but he shrugged it off. “As always, if you need anything…”

“I know,” Kyo said. “Thank you.”

The rest of the band bade them goodnight, but left some rice for Die and Kyo, which they sat on the couch to eat.

Even with Kyo telling him to pace himself, Die devoured his bowl of rice in two minutes flat, tears in his eyes as he said repeatedly how he’d never before eaten anything so delicious.

Kyo was reluctant to go to sleep. If he was honest, he was sure that Die would be gone when he woke up, and he didn’t want him leaving his sight for a second. So they stayed up, talking and touching and sometimes kissing, until they couldn’t keep their eyes open.

“I can sleep on the couch,” Die offered when it became clear that they couldn’t stay awake much longer.

Kyo gave him a look. “Why the hell would I want you to do that?”

“I just didn’t want to assume that—”

“Die,” Kyo said, stopping his rambling excuse before it began, “I don’t want to stop holding you.”

“You might have to, eventually,” Die said with a wry smile. “Now that I’m eating and drinking again, there will probably be some trips to the bathroom you won’t want to join me for.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Kyo said, and he held Die’s hand as they brushed their teeth, stripped down to their boxers, and climbed into Kyo’s bed.

“Are you comfortable?” Kyo asked, his arms tight around Die’s middle as they spooned in the darkness.

“More than I’ve ever been,” Die answered. “You?”

The arm trapped under Die’s body was already losing feeling, and Kyo almost always slept better on his back, but, “Same,” he said honestly, and he drifted off to sleep more peacefully than he had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3<3<3   
This is kind of an Ending of sorts, of the main story. The last couple chapters could be taken as a kind of epilogue, the aftermath, you know. So, if you'd like to think of this as The End, that's fine.  
That said, I really want to thank everyone once again for coming on this journey with me. This story has been very dear to my heart, something I've thought about and worked on for such a long time, and it's been such a joy to share it with all of you. My greatest appreciation for all of your comments, kudos, and support, and I can't wait to share whatever comes next!!  
(Of course I'll still be posting the "epilogue" chapters, but I wanted to thank everyone in case some people aren't interested in checking those out xoxo)


	29. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are so awesome. Thank you. Everything is stressful in real life! Here is some story! Should be one more little chapter of epilogue after this, probably to go up Sunday/Monday xoxo

Kyo’s pleasantly dreamless sleep was cut short by Die thrashing around in bed next to him, his breathing strained and punctuated by little pained noises. Any momentary joy at finding that Die was still alive and with him was sideswiped by concern about whatever was hurting him.

He lightly shook Die’s shoulder, said his name a few times, and then Die was sitting bolt upright, eyes wide and panicked as they darted around in search of something familiar.

“Hey, hey,” Kyo said softly, sitting up with him. “You’re okay, wh-what’s wrong, what do you need?”

Recognition filtered across Die’s features as he looked at Kyo, and then he dropped his face into his hands with a sigh. “_Shit_.”

Kyo rubbed Die’s back, careful touches on his clammy skin. “Nightmare?”

Die nodded.

Kyo didn’t need to ask what it was about; Gackt’s spell might have brought Die to life, restored him to peak physical health, but how was magic supposed to cure PTSD? Somehow “surviving” one’s own death didn’t seem like the kind of thing from which one could totally recover.

They sat quietly, Die breathing, Kyo _with_ him, until Die spoke again.

“I think… I need to get in touch with my old bandmates.”

That was moderately surprising, but Kyo just waited for Die to elaborate.

“If the CM is as widely seen as everyone’s hoping, they might get wind of it,” Die said, removing his hands from his face. “I’d rather they hear from me directly that I’m—back. Even if it might be hard to believe.”

Kyo hummed, his lips to Die’s shoulder. “That makes sense.”

“Would you come with me?” Die asked quietly.

“Of course, if you want me to.” Kyo couldn’t picture exactly what Die would want him to do if he tagged along, but he wouldn’t deny him the support.

It was hard to fall back asleep after that, and they began their day lazily, lying around in bed until the sun rose, then going about a casual workout they did together, showers, and breakfast.

Kyo cooked while Die finished showering, relieved that he could finally pay Die back for the times he’d made food for him, despite Kyo never asking for such a thing. He also made sure to contact his supervisor and get the next several days off from the museum, due to what had to be called some sort of personal emergency. He wanted to ensure that he would be available while Die was adjusting to the land of the living.

There was rice, eggs, miso, and ham ready when Die finally came out of the bathroom, significantly later than Kyo expected him.

“I can honestly say,” Die told him, “that I had forgotten just how good showers are. But damn. I think that alone is worth coming back for.”

“Glad you enjoyed it. Wonder what you’ll think of baths.”

“Bet they’re fantastic.” Die gasped suddenly. “Do you think we could go to an onsen?”

Kyo grimaced. “You might have to go with someone else for that. I’m not exactly…” He gestured vaguely to his arms, covered in tattoos, and Die’s face fell. “Toshiya would probably go with you.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Die said, his enthusiasm dampened.

“Meanwhile,” Kyo said, eager to change the subject and get Die smiling again. He waved Die to have a seat in the living room so he could set his breakfast in front of him. “I’m afraid I don’t have a really good idea of what you like, so you’re just getting whatever I had available.”

“Looks amazing,” Die said, staring down at the array of food before him. 

Kyo shrugged, more pleased than he wanted to admit, and sat down to eat with Die.

They went through all Die’s paperwork as they ate, made sure everything was in order. It was a relief to not have to worry about some of the more mundane realities of Being Alive, and left them room to move on to a discussion of a game plan for the immediate future; which old bandmate(s) they would try to reach first, what Kyo’s role would be in offering some kind of outside proof that Die wasn’t a mere hallucination. Die wanted to get it all over with as soon as possible, and Kyo couldn’t blame him. He’d been carrying around the guilt from the accident all these years, and even if he’d said before that he didn’t want to face any of them, he finally had this chance to make amends and carry on with his life.

They headed out by train to see the drummer from Die’s old band before noon, and actually ended up going to see the bassist that same day. They found out the vocalist was living abroad, and ended up skypeing him from the bassist’s house, and by the time they headed home, there was only one bandmate they hadn’t gotten to speak with.

Die was in a weird mood when they got back to the train station. He sighed irritably, and when Kyo looked at him questioningly, he gestured to where they’d just come through the turnstiles. “Did you see that guy just now? He snuck through without paying!”

“Which guy?”

“In the brown suit, there,” Die said, pointing.

Kyo tried to follow his gesture, but in the masses of people heading every which way, he couldn’t make out the individual in question. “Well,” he said. “Oh, well.”

“Just sucks that I have to pay now, and some people still get away with using the train for free,” Die grumbled.

“What, you wanna report him to security?” Kyo said dubiously. He could tell that Die was under a lot of stress, but it was odd to see him lashing out at strangers like that. “I don’t think it does you any good to get hung up on these things.”

Die just made some noncommittal noise, and the whole way home he stayed quiet and pensive, perhaps lost in thoughts of the past, or of the unfavorable present.

It had been a strange day for Kyo, too, so he couldn’t really blame Die for being thrown off-balance. He hadn’t thought what it would be like, meeting these people who had been such an important part of Die’s life, but who meant virtually nothing to Kyo himself. He didn’t even have stories and anecdotes from Die’s past that he could attach to each individual, and was painfully aware of what an outsider he was, showing up in their space. 

No one seemed bothered by his presence, though, when there were far more significant things on which to focus. Die had expressed his concern that his bandmates would be angry with him for his role in the accident, but instead, both men they met wept, and clung to Die like he was their long-lost brother.

Kyo supposed he was, in a way.

One of them had tried to embrace Kyo, as well, which made him pretty uncomfortable, but he did his utmost to stay polite about it. He could tell Die was snickering behind his hand at the interaction.

They got a quick dinner when they left the train station, and Die’s mood finally picked up when they were arriving back at the apartment and he said, with amusement in his voice, “You know, for someone who hates being touched so much, you’ve barely let go of me for five minutes since I mastered my corporeal form.” As Kyo started to pull away, Die caught his hand. “I’m not complaining. It’s just funny. I saw how you looked like you wanted to sink into the floor when Kei hugged you earlier.”

“I’m just picky about who touches me,” Kyo explained. “I’m comfortable with you, have been since we met. That’s part of what I like so much about you.”

“That makes me really happy,” Die said. “I’m glad I can be something special for you, like you’re so special to me.”

Generally speaking, Kyo didn’t like to be called special, or to have someone notice him at all, but he couldn’t find it in him to complain when Die said that sort of thing, and actually found he wanted to hear more of what Die liked about him.

They sat on the couch, turned on the TV, and in a way, it wasn’t all that different from how they’d hung out back when Die was a ghost. They still made snarky comments about whatever they were watching together, and laughed more at each other than at what was happening on the screen.

But Kyo spent most of the time leaning heavily against Die’s shoulder, his hand resting on Die’s knee. They weren’t sexual touches, but they were intimate and Kyo had hardly known how much he needed them until they were offered to him.

It wasn’t at all how he’d imagined his first day with Die being alive, in dreams or fantasies. Even in the boring, not-sexy versions, he’d have expected them to go shopping for Die’s new wardrobe, show each other their favorite places, take Die out for the best dessert in the city. Instead they were weighed down with everything that had been, before they could look towards whatever came next.

All the same, it was more than Kyo could have ever asked for, as they eventually ended up with Die lying across the couch, his head in Kyo’s lap, long hair spilling over Kyo’s thighs, and the TV no more than background noise.

“There’s still so much to do,” Die said distantly. “I never really thought about all the hoops I’d have to jump through, completely restarting my life from scratch.”

“It’s not as bad as it could be,” Kyo said. “At least Gackt got all your documents for you.”

“True, that saves me from waiting in a few queues, answering some impossible questions.”

“And you don’t have to do it all at once. You have time.”

Die half-smiled up at Kyo. “I kinda like this optimism from you. It’s refreshing. And you’re right.”

Kyo ran his fingers through Die’s hair. “What do you want to focus on first?” he asked, trying to work past how he felt with Die smiling up at him like that.

“I think I need a phone,” Die said. “You can’t call me with the guitar pick anymore, so it’s probably time for me to get another tool of communication. Maybe we can go tomorrow?”

“Sure, that should be easy,” Kyo said.

“And of course, talking to the last guy from my old band. I’m hoping he might also have a lead on hunting down my old guitars, since I can’t exactly whip one up out of thin air anymore. Then, getting in touch with my family…” Die hesitated, bit his lip before adding, “and probably Miyuki, too.”

“Oh,” Kyo said. He hadn’t been expecting that, though maybe he should have been.

“You still have her address?”

Kyo nodded. He knew Die wouldn’t disappear from this plane if he reunited with his old girlfriend, knew that he’d named _Kyo_ as his True Love, and that he was lying in his lap at that very moment, but he couldn’t deny that it made him nervous to think of Die seeing her.

“You don’t have to come with me, if it makes you uncomfortable,” Die said.

“That’s not really the problem.”

“I just want her to know,” Die said. “And to find out if she knows what happened to my cat.”

“I understand that,” Kyo said, because of course he did. “I just…” He played with the ends of a few strands of Die’s hair, let his eyes focus on that. “I also understand if you decide you want that back.”

Die’s eyebrows rose. “Miyuki?”

“All of it,” Kyo said, and swallowed. “You have this second chance at life, and if you want to re-form your old band and reconnect with the woman you loved, I mean, that makes sense, and I don’t want to get in the way of it.”

Die’s hand closed over Kyo’s, stilling his fidgeting. He met his eyes, serious in a way that Kyo wanted to look away from. “I didn’t come back for them,” he said. “I’m not going to choose to leave your band—_our_ band. I wouldn’t, even if the rest of the guys wanted to pick up where we left off.”

Kyo couldn’t really handle the implication that Die had chosen to come back to life for _him_ rather than for the people he’d known in all the time before, so he just shrugged.

Die looked less than pleased with that response. “You’re never in the way. I like having you there when I talk to everyone.”

“Okay,” Kyo said. He probably preferred it that way, too, since he didn’t have to have the lingering doubt over whether Die would come back to him if he just stayed by his side.

Practically, he knew it couldn’t always be that way. Eventually, he would have to get used to Die going out and doing things on his own, and returning to Kyo if and when he felt like it. But he wasn’t ready for that yet.

After Die’s first full day of running on sleep and food instead of his own manifested supernatural energy, he was exhausted, and it wasn’t long before he was dozing off right there in Kyo’s lap. Kyo didn’t mind, but he figured Die would be happier sleeping in bed, so he roused him gently and made sure he got properly tucked in.

He stayed awake just a little while longer, after he heard Die sleeping soundly beside him. His brain was in chaos thinking about the day they’d had together, about what the next day would entail. He wasn’t what he’d call a Jealous Type, but he was still intimidated by the idea of coming face-to-face with someone with whom Die had had a serious relationship. Miyuki had been with Die longer than Kyo had even known him, she’d grieved for him when he died, and no matter how Die felt about Kyo currently, there was history there that was undeniable.

The sleep Kyo stumbled upon was not quite so peaceful as the night before’s, filled with dreams too confusing to follow even in the moment.

To his surprise, when he awoke again, with Die warm and half-naked and pressed up against him, Kyo remembered his deep-seated attraction to him, seemingly all at once. It wasn’t a dream this time, and his body wanted to make sure he knew that, just by how it reacted to Die’s mere proximity.

There was nothing Kyo could really do about it, though. Die had so much to deal with that Kyo could hardly pressure him for more physical intimacy. Sure, with how they kissed Kyo was sort of amazed that they’d made it through an entire day without things escalating, but he felt like it was important that anything of that nature happen on Die’s terms, when he was in a place where he felt safe and ready.

Still, that didn’t mean it was easy, when Die was sprawled next to him, long legs spread and arms stretched over his head, vulnerable and _there_. Kyo tried to content himself with holding him closer, nestling in so he could smell his own shampoo in Die’s long hair, and waiting for some alarm to go off, so they could start their day and go pick out a phone.

The last bandmate they visited was much the same as the rest, barely getting the door open before there were tears in his eyes. It turned out all this time he’d felt responsible for Die’s death, just as Die had felt responsible for everyone else’s injuries.

“We never should have made you drive,” he said as they sat around his table with coffee. “You said you were tired and we should have listened.”

“It was ultimately my decision to get behind the wheel,” Die said.

His bandmate just looked at him for a long time. Finally he said, “You know, not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Your brother took your acoustic, but he left two of your guitars in my care—I haven’t ever been able to bring myself to play them, but I’ve kept them in good condition for you. Are you still making music?”

Die nodded. “That’s part of why I wanted to come see you. I’ve got a new band, and we’re doing well enough that you might see me around.”

“Does that mean you’ll be paying Miyuki a visit, too?”

It was the first time Kyo had seen any of Die’s bandmates refer to her directly. He figured they saw it as some sensitive subject, but maybe this one was just a little less tactful.

“I’d heard from some friend of yours—Terachi something?—who was looking for her,” the bandmate continued, looking into his coffee cup. “I hope you won’t be too upset, finally seeing her.”

“Is she doing all right?” Die asked, his face carefully neutral.

“She’s doing well.”

Die nodded again. “I’m glad.”

The atmosphere had gone all wrong in just a few short minutes, and Die and Kyo didn’t stay long after that. Die was excited to take out his new phone, so they could exchange contact information, make arrangements to come pick up the guitars later that week, and then they were on their way.

Die’s old girlfriend was their next stop on the list, but neither Die nor Kyo said anything about it as they headed for the train station. There had been a definite ominous quality to what Die’s bandmate had said about her, and Kyo was sure Die had gotten the same vibe.

In all his worrying about how meeting Miyuki would go, Kyo hadn’t been imagining that it would _upset_ Die; he’d thought it would bring him peace, or that he might want her back. But then, Kyo didn’t know her at all. Maybe she was the type to make Die feel worse about things, maybe she would say something hurtful to him. Kyo didn’t know how much he was supposed to step in and get in the middle of things if it seemed like Die was getting upset. Did Die want him involved like that at all? Should they come up with some kind of code word or signal?

Kyo had to be pulled from his thoughts by Die’s hand on his shoulder.

They’d reached the right stop and it was time to leave the train. “Let’s get this over with,” Die said.

Kyo still didn’t know how to ask any of the questions eating at him, about how he should act, if Die was sure he wanted him there, so he stayed silent as they walked up out of the underground.

It was a bit of a walk to their destination, out into a more suburban area, houses rather than apartment buildings. It was a nice neighborhood, but funny to imagine the woman Kyo had seen in the photo Shinya had sent living there.

“She’s moved since when you knew her, eh?” he said to Die.

“Unn,” Die said, frowning. “I… don’t really know what to expect.”

Kyo took his hand, tried to be reassuring just with his presence, but he knew that was more Die’s skill set than his.

“You probably think I’m an asshole,” Die said. “Going to see my old bandmates and my ex before my family.”

Kyo was taken aback. He really hadn’t had an opinion on that one way or the other, and it seemed like sort of a non-sequitur. “I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

“Family should come first, though, right?”

It was unclear to Kyo whether Die _wanted_ Kyo to agree with him, to call him out for being a bad son. Maybe he needed to hear it from someone else so he could stop beating himself up about it.

If so, Kyo was the wrong person to provide that kind of criticism, as he said instead, “Have you ever heard me even _mention_ my family? I would never judge you for how you manage your relationship with yours.”

“It’s not like I don’t like them,” Die said. “My brother is one of the people I missed—_miss_—most, and I thought about going and visiting him various times when I was a ghost… It’s just a lot to deal with. And I’ve been putting off facing everyone after the accident for so long, it felt like the people directly involved were a priority.”

“You don’t have to make excuses to me,” Kyo said.

“It’s not excuses,” Die said. “I just don’t want you to think… We haven’t known each other forever, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea about what kind of person I am, if we’re going to be together.”

He’d stopped walking, and Kyo stopped, too. This whole concern was coming out of left field. They hadn’t spent much time at all talking about a real _relationship_ between them, and what that would mean, but in a way, Kyo hadn’t thought they needed to. He was sure that just from their sharing an apartment for so long, Die had learned all about him, and that with his being alive and available to touch and kiss, things had progressed, somehow, naturally. Were there things he should be warning Die about, too, about “what kind of person” _he_ was?

“I know you’re not judging me,” Die said, but he wasn’t quite looking at Kyo. “I know you wouldn’t. But I think—I’m not really ready for you to meet my family.”

Realization dawned on Kyo as Die winced: _that_ was why Die was being so awkward. He didn’t want to take Kyo along to meet his family, and he was worried Kyo would be upset.

“Okay,” Kyo said. He really _wasn’t_ upset. After all, they’d barely been “dating” for two days, and meeting someone’s parents usually came later in the relationship, right?

“I don’t want you to think it’s because I’m ashamed of you or anything,” Die said quickly. “It’s just, I never had a chance to come out to them as bisexual, and I don’t think they’d have a problem, but they might still have the thought that I could get back with—Not that I’m going to, but I don’t know, having to explain the whole back-from-the-dead thing, and a _boyfriend_ on top of it—It might be a lot to drop on them at once.”

Die wasn’t leaving Kyo much room to get a word in, so he just nodded. It was sad to see Die so worked up when it wasn’t a big deal to Kyo at all. He couldn’t think of a supportive way to tell Die that he just didn’t care.

He tried to redirect him a little bit. “So, will you go see your parents tomorrow, then?”

Die looked surprised at the suggestion. “No, no! Um, they’re not local. My brother lives maybe an hour from here, but he’s the only family I have nearby… I guess I’ll go see him, try to contact the rest of my folks from there. Should be kind of easier to believe with my brother there vouching for me.”

“That sounds good,” Kyo said. “I’ll still be around if you end up needing me for anything.”

“You really won’t be offended if I don’t bring you?” 

“I don’t… No, Die,” Kyo said, honestly confused how Die would get that idea. “It’s completely your choice whom you’re out to, and when you want to share that kind of thing with people. I respect that.”

Die sagged in visible relief. “Thank you.”

“Do you want me to wait here at the curb while you talk to your ex, too?” Kyo offered uncertainly. A glance around them showed they were just across the street from the address he’d saved as hers. “I won’t be offended about that, either.”

Die shook his head firmly, and linked his fingers with Kyo’s. “I want you there when I talk to her, as long as you’re not too uncomfortable.”

And maybe Kyo was uncomfortable, but not so much that he couldn’t be there for Die when he was asking for him.

They crossed the street and walked up the driveway to a cute but understated little house, knocking at the door when they reached it. They exchanged a glance, took a shared breath as they heard shuffling within the house, and then the door opened to reveal a woman with shoulder-length hair, and a toddler balanced on her hip.

It took Kyo a few seconds to put together that this was the same woman he’d seen in Die’s old band photo, but it didn’t take her that long to recognize Die, as was evident by the pallor of her face, and the way her grip on her child tightened.

She didn’t speak—Kyo couldn’t really imagine what one could say in such a situation—but her eyes were glued to Die’s face and she was frozen in place.

“Long time no see,” Die said awkwardly, and Kyo resisted the urge to facepalm.

“It’s really you,” Miyuki said. “It’s… How? No. This isn’t possible.”

“It’s me,” Die said. “And it’s kind of a long story, but I can explain the whole thing, if you want.”

She hesitated, but invited them both inside, and they sat in her dining room as Die related the events of the past several months to her. In exchange, she told him about what he’d missed: she had gotten married to a salaryman, and then had her daughter, Hana, almost two years ago. She was doing well, and she was happy to see that Die had found a new partner as well.

“There is someone else who will be even more excited than me to see you,” she said. She disappeared briefly into the kitchen, and at the sound of the can opener, a tinkling little bell came hurtling down the hall towards them, worn around the neck of a Russian Blue.

Die’s mouth fell open and he dropped to his knees without a moment’s pause, gathering the cat up in his arms joyfully.

“You still have him?” Die said, his voice somewhat muffled as his face was buried in the cat’s fur, and the cat’s purrs could be heard from across the room.

“Of course, I was happy to give him a home,” Miyuki said, watching them with a fond look on her face. “But I expect you might want to take him back now?”

Die looked hopefully to Kyo, who would have been helpless to deny him, even if he’d wanted to.

“Sure. I might have preferred a dog, but I think a pet of any kind would be a good addition to the apartment, don’t you?” he said, and Die beamed.

They stayed a while longer, with Die sitting on the floor playing with his cat while Miyuki and Kyo looked on. It didn’t feel as strange as it should have.

Finally Miyuki said quietly, “Is this real?”

Kyo glanced over and realized she was addressing him. He nodded. 

“He’s…. It’s not a dream,” she said. “It can’t be, because I never would have put you in the dream. I wouldn’t have known to.”

“It’s not a dream,” Kyo said. “But I’ve had my moments of wondering, too. Like it can’t be real.”

“You made it happen,” Miyuki said, meeting Kyo’s eyes. “I guess I should thank you. Even if I’ve moved on, the world is better with Die in it, and I’m glad I’m not the only one to see that.”

“You’re definitely not the only one.”

The toddler joined in whatever Die was playing with the cat, and it became a much higher-stakes, more dangerous game, so it didn’t last too long after that.

“Do you want to take him now?” Miyuki asked as Kyo and Die put on their jackets. “Not that I’m trying to rush him out the door, but you could take everything with you…”

“Er, we don’t have a car to load up, actually,” Kyo said.

“Oh,” Miyuki said, frowning. A brief expressionof comprehension crossed her face, and she bit her lip.

“I can come back for everything another day?” Kyo offered. He was sure Toshiya wouldn’t mind making a trip to this part of town…

“I’ll bring him to you guys!” Miyuki said brightly. “It’s no trouble at all. Where’s your place, Kyo?” She took her phone out, ready to make note of his address.

“It’s my old place,” Die said. “Same one where I used to live.”

“Oh, right.” Miyuki seemed confused, and Kyo couldn’t blame her. “So, it’s just the same… Yeah, okay. Right by that Mister Donut.”

“That actually closed last year,” Kyo said. “But yeah, used to be.”

Miyuki slid her phone back into her pocket. “Right. Well, I’ll bring him over tomorrow afternoon then, if that’s okay? I’ll bring everything he needs, litterbox, food, all of that. He’s up to date on his shots…”

She went on to give Die the information for the vet she’d been going to and mentioning some last details about adjustments in the cat’s diet, but Kyo wasn’t listening anymore, too distracted thinking about the glow radiating from Die as he held his cat in his arms and lovingly kissed him goodbye. Kyo hadn’t seen nearly enough of that smile since they’d been busy tying up loose ends from Die’s life, and Kyo was determined to make some time and change that, when this was all over.


	30. Epilogue pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, sorry, things have been so busy and I've been surprisingly stressed and unmotivated to get anything finished, but! Here is the end of the end, please enjoy xoxo

It was early the next day when Die left for his brother’s place, and Kyo got up and shuffled to the front door to see him off. He was still afraid that somehow Die would disappear if he was out of Kyo’s sight for too long, but he tried not to let it show on his face.

“I’ll be back in time for dinner,” Die told him. “And I’ll text and let you know how it’s all going.”

It was embarrassing to Kyo that he had become such a smothering, overprotective boyfriend in only a matter of days, but he really had a better excuse for it than most people.

He kissed Die goodbye and wished him luck, and as soon as the door closed, Kyo was struck by just how empty his apartment was. He was completely alone for the first time in ages, and it was actually kind of nice.

The morning was spent doing basic stuff around the house like showering and laundry. More mess had built up in the days since Die’s revival than Kyo was used to. On the surface it seemed like little had changed, but in fact, Die now did many things he hadn’t done when he was a ghost, like wear (Kyo’s) clothes, and use (Kyo’s) dishes. Two people lived in the apartment.

It turned out that this didn’t bother Kyo whatsoever. He’d enjoyed the time he’d spent living alone, sure, but the idea that he and Die were _living together_ lit something warm and comfortable in him.

Die’s being alive also meant he had to eat, and Kyo found when he tidied the kitchen that they were in dire need of groceries. He headed for the store before lunch, and bought as much as he could reasonably carry home on foot.

He was relieved to finally get word from Die as he was on his way back from shopping.

**[D]:** _Still in the middle of talking things out, but wanted to check in and let you know I’m alive :-P_

Kyo was pretty sure that was some kind of inappropriate humor, but he appreciated it anyway. Before he could reply to say as much, Die sent another message.

**[D]:** _In less good but more interesting news, pretty sure i can still see/talk to ghosts? I asked my bro about his neighbor who I met coming into the building_

**[D]:**_ Turns out she died like two years ago of some heart condition. So. That’s fun._

Kyo nearly burst out laughing. It was so bizarre and yet unexpected, and Die’s apathetic attitude towards it was rather fitting.

**[D]: **_Wish i could say more but we’re probably gonna try to call my parents in a minute here. I’ll talk to you soon._

Kyo texted back quickly to wish him luck, again, but there didn’t seem to be much else he could offer in the way of support or wisdom so he let that be enough.

Without Die at home to worry about, Kyo ate a simple lunch of instant ramen, and relaxed, as much as he could. It was hard to keep his mind off Die and the excitement he was having out in the world without him, but in all honesty, he had his own things to worry about, too. Mentally he went over his budget, trying to work out how long he ought to keep his day job to support himself and Die, as the band and their music started to gain priority and provide more of an income.

Just then, Kyo’s phone started vibrating, and somewhat surprised, he answered the incoming call from Toshiya. “Hello?”

“Hey—Is this an okay time? I can call back later. Maybe I should’ve texted…”

“It’s fine,” Kyo said, setting his empty ramen bowl aside. “What’s up, is there anything wrong?”

“Well, no,” Toshiya said. “I just wanted to check on you guys. It’s been a few days, and you haven’t really been in touch.”

Kyo grimaced. He’d known he was dropping the ball somewhere, he just hadn’t been able to think where. Of course he should have been keeping the rest of the band updated about Die’s adjustment and wellbeing. “Oh, right.”

“Is Die there now?”

“Actually, no,” Kyo said. “He went to see his brother. I’ve been going along with him while he reconnects with various people from his life, but his family was a visit he wanted to make alone.”

“Wow, I can only imagine.”

“Yeah, it’s been an intense couple of days.”

“And are you guys—you're _together_ now?” Toshiya asked.

“I guess so,” Kyo said. “We haven’t talked about it that much, but we’ve been… pretty close. So I think it’s kind of established.”

“That’s good,” Toshiya said, “considering how you tricked us all into helping you bring him back to life behind his back.”

“Ah. You talked to Shinya about that, then?” Kyo got up and headed to the kitchen with his dishes.

“I’m not mad,” Toshiya clarified. “I probably would’ve done the same thing in your position. I just hate that after all this time you still don’t feel like you can tell me what’s going on.”

It wasn’t something Kyo had been looking to feel guilty about today, and he sighed. “It’s nothing personal. I just couldn’t risk Die finding out.”

“I’m also troubled by how even with your deception and sneakiness, things essentially worked out the way you wanted them to. What kind of lesson is that going to teach you?”

Kyo rinsed his glass in the sink. “Life isn’t lessons.”

“Isn’t it?” Toshiya paused. “By the way, semi-related, I was cracking up, seeing Kisaki on twitter.”

“Ugh, noo,” Kyo said, setting everything to dry on the rack. He dried his hands on the dish towel. “Why would you even follow that?”

“I don’t _follow_ him, but sometimes it’s gratifying to see karma biting him in the ass,” Toshiya said. “He was bitching about the group he’s been playing with, and the guitarist saw his posts and straight-up booted him out of the band right there on twitter, it was hilarious. Can’t wait to see his reaction to our CM.”

“And to seeing your triumph on Gackt’s show,” Kyo said knowingly.

“It just feels good to show him how much we don’t need him,” Toshiya said. “Which reminds me, have you heard from Kaoru?”

“Should I have? I haven’t checked my email…”

“He’s concerned that Die won’t be able to play guitar anymore now that he’s alive,” Toshiya said, “or something.”

“Oh, well, he’ll be glad to know we were able to track down some of Die’s old guitars, since the ones he’s been playing were made out of, like, him.”

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear that, but he wants to schedule a rehearsal with the whole band for as soon as possible.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to Die about it.” A thought occurred to Kyo and he said, “Actually, you know, Die finally got a phone.”

“_What_.” This was clearly the most interesting thing Kyo had said so far. “You mean I can speak directly _to Die_, without passing messages through you? This is a huge development!”

“I know, it’s wild,” Kyo said. “I’ll text you his number when we hang up.”

“Hang up now! I want to send Die the zombie emoji!!”

“Thanks for calling, then,” Kyo said, bemused.

Toshiya barely managed a rushed, “_bye!_” before ending the call.

Kyo dutifully sent Toshiya Die’s new phone number, only the smallest pang of regret hitting him with the knowledge that now yet another person could access Die as easily as he could.

He’d moved on to hanging laundry to dry when there was a knock at the front door, and he frowned at it in confusion. He’d sent Die out with his spare key, so he shouldn’t have been knocking, and it was earlier than the mail was usually delivered, even if he’d been expecting a package.

He realized who it was only a beat before Miyuki’s semi-familiar voice carried though the door, “Die? Kyo? Anyone home?”

He rushed to open the door and her relief at seeing him was palpable.

“Oh my god, if you hadn’t been home, I don’t know what I would have done,” she said. Her daughter was tucked under one arm again, her other hand clutching the handle of a good-sized cat carrier, which she held out towards Kyo. “There’s more in the car.”

“I’ll help you bring it up,” Kyo said hurriedly. He set the softly-meowing cat taxi down on the floor and slipped on some shoes so he could follow Miyuki down to her car.

“I’m sorry,” she said over her shoulder, “I should have called, but I realized I didn’t get your number—and I wasn’t sure if Die even has a phone, since he’s been…”

“He does,” Kyo said. “We just got it set up yesterday.”

“Oh, good,” Miyuki said. “Well, but I don’t have his number still, either, obviously. Is he not here?”

Kyo shook his head, but Miyuki wasn’t looking at him, her eyes focused on the minivan they were quickly approaching. “No, he went to see his brother. He’ll be back later this evening.”

“Have you met his brother?” she asked, shifting the child on her hip so she could unlock the car.

“No, I… haven’t met any of his family,” Kyo said, but he didn’t add the “yet” to the end of his sentence, even if he was tempted.

“Hmm, it took a while for me to meet them, too,” Miyuki said thoughtfully. She opened the back of the van and started pulling out bags and boxes of cat food, toys, litter, and a small bed, handing them all to Kyo. She took a scratching post to carry herself, and closed the car up again. “His brother is cool, though.”

Kyo couldn’t shake the weirdness of it all, like Miyuki was his predecessor and he was just the next in line, taking on his role as Die’s partner, despite her superior knowledge and experience.

“I don’t think I really have to tell you,” she said suddenly, “how hard it was, losing him.”

Kyo really hadn’t asked, but he waited for her to go on, since apparently this was something she needed to say.

“You don’t need to know the details of how hard I took it, but… For months, I dreamed something like this would happen, that somehow he’d come back, that he wouldn’t really be gone.” She started for the stairs, and Kyo followed her. “Of course in all those fantasies, I never imagined that he’d return having met someone else.”

Kyo didn’t know if he was supposed to apologize. He couldn’t imagine how it would feel to lose someone so tragically, only to have them move on, in a romantic sense, even after death. But he supposed she’d moved on, too.

Hana peered at him over her mother’s shoulder. She was really a very well-behaved toddler.

Miyuki went on, “But even if I couldn’t have imagined you, I’m glad that you and Die found each other.” She shifted everything she was carrying when they reached the landing, and then resumed walking. “You don’t need my blessing, but you have it anyway. I got a chance to have a life with love and a family, and I’m happy that Die can have that chance, too. I don’t resent you at all.”

Kyo laughed, just because it was such a peculiar thing to say. “I guess I don’t resent you, either.”

Once they had everything set up for the cat, Kyo offered Miyuki tea, and some cookies he found that weren’t expired. Even after shopping, he hadn't stocked up on anything for potential guests. “Sorry, I’m not really accustomed to having company,” he said. “I don’t have much that’s suitable to offer Hana-chan…”

The little girl was sitting on the floor, playing with one of the cat’s toys, and the cat was crouched a fair distance away, watching with interest.

Miyuki waved a dismissive hand at Kyo. “She doesn’t need anything.”

“She does seem preoccupied.”

“Oh yeah, I can keep her happy by sticking just about anything in her hands,” Miyuki agreed. “She’s still just learning everything.”

“Mm.” Kyo sipped his tea. He felt a little like that himself lately, like he had to relearn his whole life. He only hoped he could face it with as much enthusiasm as this baby.

When their tea was finished, Miyuki stood without any awkwardness. “We should probably get going.” She gathered her daughter up in her arms, and she barely complained.

“Thank you again,” Kyo said. “For bringing everything over and helping set up.” 

“My pleasure,” Miyuki returned, smiling. She dug a little handwritten card out of her purse and passed it to him. “My number, so we can keep in touch. Don’t hesitate to call, if you guys need anything.”

“Thanks,” Kyo said. “I’m sure Die will be glad to have it.”

Miyuki nodded. Her gaze wandered around the apartment for a moment. “Take care of him.”

For a beat, Kyo couldn't be sure whether she meant Die or the cat she'd dropped off, but in either case, the answer was the same. “I will,” he assured her.

He offered to walk her down to her car, but she scoffed and brushed him off, and a minute later he was alone in the apartment again, except with a cat now.

He spent a while trying to bond with the animal, and all things considered it could have been worse, but he figured it would go better once Die was there to give his cat the proper signals and indicate to him that Kyo was an ally.

By the time Kyo took out his phone to add Miyuki to his contacts, he had a missed text from Die.

**[D]:** _Did you really have to give Toshiya my #? He’s been sending me zombie emoji all day…_

**[k]: **_Sorry man, he warned me he was gonna do that, he’s just excited._

Die’s text was from an hour ago, so Kyo didn’t expect to get an answer right away, but then he received another one with an embedded image, of Die and an unfamiliar man with short, dark hair.

**[D]:** _Me and my little bro. _

**[D]: **_Well—used to be my little bro, but if i didn’t age during the 4 yrs i was dead i guess _ _he’s older than me now?? How does that work??_

Kyo laughed, but it was kind of a good question.

**[k]: **_I dunno, want me to ask Gackt about it?_

**[D]: **_Nah, i’ll just make it up myself. My life my rules!_

**[D]: ** _I’ll be omw back soon_

Kyo smiled. Die seemed to be in a better mood than the day before, he and his brother were both smiling in their selfie, and he would be coming back soon. There wasn’t much else Kyo could ask for.

He snapped a selfie of his own, of him and his new feline friend, and sent it off.

**[D]: **_Baby! I forgot he was coming today!_

**[k]: **_Haha yep, Miyuki helped him get settled in_

**[D]: **_Sorry i wasn’t there. Hope it wasn’t too weird?_

**[k]: **_Actually no, she was really nice._

**[D]: **_Good. I always thought so._

**[D]: **_Ps i showed my brother that pic and he says you’re cute. He’s psyched to meet you next time._

Butterflies swirled in Kyo's stomach. He didn’t think any of his past partners’ family had been really excited to meet him. Most just disapproved of him, saw him as some weird, bad influence, or someone who could never make it in Real Society. It shouldn’t have surprised him that Die’s family was a little more accepting than average. Although he didn’t usually care for the “cute” label, it felt nice that Die’s brother didn’t see him in any negative light.

They texted a bit more, Die talking about the emotional experience of speaking with his parents on the phone, after they’d mourned his death for years. It was heavy, he said, but an ultimately joyful reunion.

**[D]: **_Don’t be surprised if they wanna show up for a visit in the near future tho_

**[k]: **_I’m sure I would, too, in their situation._

While Kyo waited for Die to return to the apartment, he did some writing, nervous at first that it would be hard to come up with anything on-brand when he was feeling so much lighter and happier than usual.

In time though his creativity flowed as it always did. He was inspired by Miyuki’s unfathomable loss, by Die’s parents’ mourning. Then he wrote of his own securities and doubts, the near-crippling fear that he could never hope to deserve anyone or anything as good as Die, and that he’d only be hurting him by trying to cling to him. 

For once, writing seemed to be a real outlet, enough to get some of that thinking out of his system, so that when Die actually walked in the door, acoustic guitar slung over his back and tired grin on his face, Kyo was able to be genuinely happy to see him.

Naturally, Die was more interested in his cat.

He sat on the floor with the cat for a long time, distractedly eating the dinner Kyo had put in his hands, but otherwise not speaking to Kyo or honestly acknowledging his presence.

Kyo didn’t interrupt, as he could tell they had a lot of lost time to make up for. 

But he was surprised when Die spoke only to say, “I was thinking, I should start looking for apartments.”

Trying to keep his cool, Kyo asked carefully, “What do you mean?”

“I’ve been a parasite since you met me,” Die said with a rueful smile. “Now that I’m going to be an actual strain on your resources, and I’ve got this cat… I should get out of your hair.”

Kyo was at a loss. Where had Die gotten such an idea? He didn’t want Die out of his hair, he wanted him even _closer_. Had he done something to make Die feel unwelcome?

Or had this been where it was all heading from the beginning? Maybe Die had never wanted to be tied down to just one person, and now that he was alive he could finally have the freedom to pursue who-or-whatever he actually wanted.

“It isn’t that I don’t appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” Die said. “But I’d just… feel too guilty, carrying on like this, taking advantage of your hospitality, invading your space…”

“But you’re _not_,” Kyo said. His tight rein on his desperation was threatening to slip. “I want you here.”

“You don’t have to say that just because—”

“Don’t you dare try to make up excuses for something I say,” Kyo cut him off. “If I say something it’s because I mean it.”

“You never signed up for this,” Die said.

“Didn’t I?” Kyo gave Die a doubtful look. “I invited you to stay, back when you were a ghost, _and_ I’m the one who made sure you came back to life. I knew what I was getting into.”

“But there’s a cat here now.”

“Your cat,” Kyo said. With a shrug, he added, “Part of the package.”

Kyo didn’t know exactly what to make of the way Die was looking at him, some combination of disbelief, awe, and perhaps a touch of fear.

“You really want us to stay?”

“I wouldn’t want to force you to be here, even if that was something I could do,” Kyo said. “But believe me when I say you are always welcome here, and that I would _like_ for both you and your cat to continue calling this apartment your home.”

Slowly, tentatively, Die's smile started to return. “Might get kind of cramped in here.”

“We managed fine when you were dead.”

“And if it _does_ end up too small, we could always find a new place, together?” Die’s eyes met Kyo’s, still nervous, but not so unsure.

“Sounds like a plan,” Kyo said, calmly, like the implication of commitment didn’t have him screaming internally.

Die got up from the floor, crossed to where Kyo was sitting on the couch, and bent to kiss him with such overwhelming sincerity that it felt like more than a kiss; it was some deeper communication, more than words, more than touch; everything Kyo had been waiting to hear and feel from Die, and perhaps everything that Die had been waiting to give him.

It went on for a long while, shifting gradually into something more physical, something needier, and Kyo found himself pulling Die down towards him until he was straddling his lap.

For so long he’d been waiting, and now things were happening so suddenly that Kyo hardly knew how to react as Die settled both hands on the back of the couch behind Kyo’s head and started grinding against his lap. His kisses moved down to Kyo’s neck, more teeth than Kyo was expecting, and he gasped, fingers clutching at Die’s shirt.

“Okay?” Die murmured below his ear.

Kyo nodded. “Y-yeah. Don’t stop.”

Die’s hips pressed down against him a little more purposefully. “What do you want?”

Kyo tried not to laugh. What kind of question was that, when Die was right there on top of him? “Want you. More.”

“Mm.” More kisses, down Kyo’s neck, to his collarbone. “Want me to kiss you? Touch you?”

“All of it,” Kyo said, eyes closing as his head tipped back. “Anything you want.”

Die pulled away slightly at that, an argumentative hum leaving him. “You don’t know what I want.”

Kyo wondered whether it could really be that different from what he wanted himself. It sure _seemed _like they were on the same page.

The weight in his lap hadn’t stopped moving, but in the absence of kisses, Kyo opened his eyes to look at Die, and stated, “I want you inside me.”

Die tensed, and swallowed audibly.

“You don’t want that?” Kyo asked.

“I—fuck, I do,” Die said. “You have no idea. I’ve wanted… ever since you first—” He cut off, like the words just ended there.

“When you watched me?” Kyo said. “When you found me touching myself—_fucking_ myself—right where I knew you would see me?”

“You called me, so I would see you.”

Kyo nodded. “Wanted you to want me.”

“Well, shit, it worked,” Die said, laughing a little. “I would have anyway, but seeing that… _pleasure._”

“Yeah? You wanna give me that?” The way Die’s eyes had gone so dark was bolstering Kyo’s confidence. “Wanna make me cum on your cock?”

“Will you—god, yes. You want it?”

Kyo didn’t know how he could still be asking. “I’ve just been waiting.”

Die licked his lips. “Bed,” he said, and scrambled off Kyo’s lap to stand up—except there was something _off_ about how he stood up, and Kyo quickly realized it was that he was actually floating just slightly off the floor.

“Um.” Kyo stared down at the floor, at the several centimeters of space between it and Die’s feet. “Are you—Did you know you can… still levitate?”

“Hm?” Die looked down, too, and yelped in alarm. His arms flailed and he landed back on the floor with a thud. “The fuck??”

“Dude, you can still fly? That’s awesome!”

“No, I can’t!” Die said. “That’s not right!”

“Gackt did mention there would be some side effects, right? Leftover ghost shit from the spell. Between this and your encounter with your brother’s neighbor, looks like he knew what he was talking about.”

“I… don’t know how to feel about that.”

“You’ve retained magical abilities, even though you’re fully alive. I’m sure Kao will be thrilled.”

“Can we not talk about Kaoru when I’m _finally_ about to get to fuck you?” Die requested with a grimace.

Kyo raised an eyebrow. “You don’t need a break to examine this whole levitating thing?”

“Absolutely not,” Die said. “I need _you_.”

Kyo held back a smile, biting his lip. “Here I am.” He let Die help him stand up from the couch, and in another second he was being tugged by the hand into the bedroom.

Die pushed him lightly so he fell onto the bed. “Lube?”

“Under the bed,” Kyo said, pointing to the box stashed there. He tried not to get too excited as he watched Die kneeling and rummaging through the box for what he needed, but he couldn’t stay as cool when Die stood again and started to undo his pants.

There was no point in pretending not to watch eagerly. Kyo had been waiting an almost absurdly long time to see the cock that he’d dreamed about, fantasized about, and he held his breath as it was revealed to him.

If he was honest, it wasn’t like there could have been anything under those jeans that he would have complained about, but he still couldn’t help but fixate on how Perfect Die was, and he was reaching for him, curling his fingers around his length before he could think of any reason not to.

“Oh,” Die said, sounding half-surprised.

“I’ve wanted so long to be able to touch you like this,” Kyo said. “You feel so right in my hand.”

Die nodded, looking down at Kyo with hooded eyes. “You feel… yeah.”

Kyo ducked his head to hide his smile, but he doubted Die missed it. It was just nice to know he could reduce Die to quiet gasps and partial sentences. He could hardly wait to hear the sounds he’d make when he was buried inside him.

In fact, he really couldn’t wait at all.

“Do you wanna open me up?” he asked abruptly, mostly just to enjoy the blush that sprang up high on Die’s cheeks at the words. “Or did you want to just watch me do it myself?”

Die’s eyes went unfocused for a second, and he took hold of Kyo’s wrist, halting his teasing movements over his cock. “I’ve… already had a chance to see that,” he said quietly. “And… it was one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen, dead or alive, but now… I want to get to feel you, if that’s all right.”

Kyo hadn’t thought that he himself had much preference either way, but hearing Die’s answer he found himself nodding enthusiastically, elated that that was what he chose. Really, Kyo could finger himself easily enough any old night; his first time with Die meant he wanted as much contact as possible.

Die didn’t waste any time. He finished undressing, and climbed onto the bed to rid Kyo of his clothes as well, tossing them haphazardly across the room, his eyes only on Kyo.

He sucked in a sharp breath as he took out Kyo’s cock. “God, look at you.”

“You can do more than look,” Kyo offered, raising his hips off the bed, just a bit.

“I intend to.” Die pushed lightly at Kyo’s knee. “Spread your legs for me?”

Kyo let his legs fall open, his breath shuddering out of him at the way Die’s gaze stayed on what he was showing him.

“Let me know if I’m going too fast or anything,” Die said as he poured lube onto his fingers. “I haven’t had much practice in this area recently.”

“I’m happy to guide you as much as you need,” Kyo said, and moaned as a finger slid into him with little resistance. “B-but I think you’ve—hah—probably got a pretty good handle on it.”

And Die definitely seemed to know exactly what he was doing. His fingers were bigger than Kyo’s own, and when he added another, they filled him in a way that was just shy of satisfying, and had Kyo rocking his hips up trying to get more. 

He was sort of dizzy with just the fact that he finally had Die touching him. After wanting it so long, he could feel those sparks shooting through his nervous system from Die’s touch, deep inside him, and he was _warm_, no longer just a ghost of sensation, but solid and so, so good.

Actually, he was starting to worry that he was going to cum just on Die’s fingers, and that really wasn’t how he wanted this whole thing to go, so by the time Die was thrusting three fingers in and out of him, stroking his prostate like he was trained for it, Kyo couldn’t stop himself from whining out loud.

“Am I hurting you?” Die asked, pausing in his ministrations.

Kyo shook his head, his jaw set. “You’re—I don’t mean to be impatient, but if you want me to cum on your cock, you might wanna get it in me soon.”

“You’re close?”

Kyo chuckled weakly. “You really don’t know—you feel so fucking good in me.”

“You’re so tight, I just want to be sure you’re ready.”

“I’m ready,” Kyo assured him. “Maybe a little past.”

“I didn’t see any condoms in that box under the bed. You have some somewhere else…?”

“No,” Kyo admitted. “But unless you’re gonna give me some sexually-transmitted ghost disease—which, let’s be honest, sounds pretty badass—I’m not worried about it.”

Die laughed, and Kyo wondered if he noticed how his cock twitched in response. “I’m not a ghost anymore. It would be a post-ghost disease, if anything.”

Kyo shook his head disapprovingly, but gasped as Die pulled out of him, poured more lube over his own cock, and wiped his hand on his discarded boxers.

“Kyo,” Die said, drawing his attention back to his face. “I love you.”

It wasn’t surprising that Die would be the kind of cheesy romantic, stating his love before he’d have sex, but Kyo didn’t really mind, either. He was even smiling as he answered, “I love you, too.”

Die leaned over him, kissing up his neck and jaw until he could kiss his mouth properly, like it was the most natural thing in the world and they had limitless time for it. Fitted as he was between Kyo’s thighs, he reached down and started to push his cock into him without ever breaking the kiss.

Kyo moaned at the dual sensations of Die’s cock breaching his asshole and Die’s tongueslipping past his lips. Fuck, he was being _filled_, like he hadn’t been in god knows how long.

“Holy shit,” Die whispered, the words right out of Kyo’s mind.

“No kidding.”

Die breathed out hard. “Kyo, you feel…”

“I know. You, too.”

Slowly, Die rocked deeper into him and back out. It was sweet and lazy, and it let Kyo feel how completely Die filled him.

“I’m… probably not going to last long,” Die said, a blush rising on his cheeks. “It’s been a while.”

Kyo shook his head. “I know. It’s okay. We have time to do this again.”

“God, yes,” Die said, thrusting in a little harder. “You just really… You’re perfect.”

“Die…”

“To me,” Die said. “I love you, and you feel _amazing_, and _this_—this is perfect.”

“I’ve wanted you inside me so long.”

“Like you were made specifically for my dick,” Die mumbled, nuzzling against Kyo’s neck.

Kyo let out a quiet moan, arched his back. “_Yes_.”

“So perfect for me, so beautiful, tight and hot—all mine.”

Kyo nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. It was everything he wanted to hear, but he couldn’t keep looking at Die while he said it.

The truth was, Kyo was pretty sure he wouldn’t last long either, with how close he’d been just from Die’s fingers. His nails dug into Die’s back as he tried to pull him closer, and his legs hooked around Die’s waist. He felt utterly _connected_ to him, emphasized by each little shock that went through him when Die brushed his prostate.

“Die,” Kyo said, almost surprised that his voice was still working, “touch me?”

“Fuck yes,” Die breathed, and one hand snaked between them, steady and skillful around Kyo’s aching cock. “You about ready to cum for me?”

“Mmhmm.” Kyo didn’t dare open his mouth again for fear of what embarrassing sounds might come out of it. His whole body was pusling, tight, felt like something was burning him from the inside out. Die’s hand stroking calmly and evenly up and down his length was sweet relief and damnable torture at the same time—just a centimeter off from scratching some unknowable itch. Kyo was so close to breaking that he might scream, but he wasn’t quite there.

“I’m close, too,” Die said, and it was so much rougher than the voice Kyo was used to that he opened his eyes to look at him.

And what a sight he made, flowing hair fallen around his face, lips parted, eyes blown dark and wild. Kyo wanted to look at him forever.

“I’ve wanted to be the one to make you cum,” Die said, “ever since I first saw you shoot all over yourself… It was… I couldn’t forget it if I wanted to—but I never want to forget. I want to see it again. I want to feel you so tight around me while you lose it. Will you do that, for me?” Die tightened his grip just right on the next upstroke and commanded Kyo, “Cum _for me_.”

Kyo was helpless to do anything but obey, a loud cry ripping out of him as everything snapped at once, and wave after wave of pleasure coursed through him until it bordered on painful.

Die was still talking, little murmured praises and appreciations, still _fucking_ him like he wouldn’t get another chance, and within a few moments he was tumbling over the edge after Kyo, moaning beautifully as he held him close and filled him up.

Pushing himself up on shaking arms, Die simply said, “Oh, my god,” and laughed. He was still panting for breath, but his smile could have lit up the whole apartment complex and Kyo felt warmed by it.

The earth hadn’t opened up in some supernatural catastrophe—Hell, the lights in Kyo’s bedroom hadn’t even flickered and gone out like he’d imagine they might when he and Die could finally be together. And in place of any and all of these terrible things, there was some sense of peace that was almost unrecognizable to Kyo.

Die wasn’t gone. He hadn’t disappeared, and even as he pulled out, he was actually settling in to stay as close to Kyo as possible. Kyo could hear his still-heavy breathing, could feel his elevated heart rate. Die was alive, there with Kyo, and not going anywhere.

And Kyo found, without a doubt in his mind, that he wanted to be alive, too. He would fight any force necessary to stay beside Die, to let Die know that _he_ wasn’t going anywhere either.

When Kyo fell asleep, it was to the soft music of a cat purring, curled up at the foot of his and Die’s bed, and in the warmth of Die’s arms, and that was well worth living for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for making it through this entire thing with me. The boys get a soft ending because it's me, and Kaoru gets to keep his floating guitarist, and everyone lives happily ever after, thank you very much.  
Seriously though, this story has been a great joy to me and a lot of fun, and I hope you all had a good time reading it, too.  
I will try really hard to get everything in order so there's not too much delay before whatever I post next! See you then!


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